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Relationships

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Partner unsure about wanting kids

33 replies

Lilmisspinky · 29/11/2023 19:47

I (f25) have been with my partner (m27) for over three years now and we moved in with each other earlier this year. When we first got together I was unsure as to whether I wanted kids or not and so was he. However in the past year or So I have solidified my decision and definitely want kids in the future without a doubt. I brought it up to my partner recently and it turned into an argument. He assumed that neither of us wanted kids. I definitely never said I never wanted kids, only that I was unsure.

anyways, he said he can’t make a decision now and he said we can come back to the decision when I want to start trying to have kids. I’m 25 now and would like to have my first child maybe around 29/30. Am I being unfair to bring this up to him now? It’s literally on my mind 24/7. He did say he would rather have a child with me than break up with me, but I’m afraid he will resent me in years to come.

should I just wait a few years and see how it pans out or am I wasting valuable years?

thanks

OP posts:
Morecladding · 29/11/2023 19:51

You're very young but I wouldn't wait until you're ready to start trying to bring it up again. As then if he says no you'll need to split up, meet someone new, wait until you're ready as a couple ect and that can take years. Maybe give it 2 years and then see where you're at?

justalittlesnoel · 29/11/2023 20:00

I would say it's a discussion to have now - you've been together a few years and live together. Honestly I think if he's saying he'll have a baby rather than split up with you that's worrying to me - a baby isn't something to "have" just to keep someone around.

At 25 if you know you definitely want kids and your partner doesn't (and isn't willing to have the conversation now) why would you wait a few years to hear a no? Don't waste years waiting for the conversation, those years you could be finding someone who really wants children. What happens if at 28 you have this chat and he says definitely no - at that point you've got to spend valuable time to find someone else. It's tricky!

Leo227 · 29/11/2023 20:04

difficult one as at 27 I categorically didn't want children and at 37 I did and had one, so he could be totally ready in 10 years time, but if you want one much earlier then you do need someone who also knows they want one earlier too. you're going to just have to have the serious discussion about your timeframes and expectations a d to understand whether he just doesn't want one now but definitely does long term, or if he really isn't sure.

AgentJohnson · 29/11/2023 20:13

The balls in your court, not his. As for his suggestion to have a child just avoid a break up, hell no, that would be the worst decision of all.

MerryChristmasToYou · 29/11/2023 20:18

You need to have the 'getting married and starting a family' conversation.
You might be the 'great girlfriend but not wife material'.

After 3 years you should both know.

Pinkbonbon · 29/11/2023 20:18

Never have a kid unless you really really want one. Never have a kid with anyone who doesn't also really really want one (or more, as twins happen).

They are not a novelty or an entitlement or a way of keeping a relationship together. More likely they would also end a relationship where one side wasn't fully on board.

Tbh op...I feel most men under 30 don't really think about kids. Perhaps that's why some women date older men.

I wouldn't expect a 27 year old guy to necessarily be thinking about kids any time soon either. I'm sure he was surprised that a 25 year old woman would be too tbf.

And it sounds like this guy...doesn't want them.

If someone doesn't want children and you do, the worst thing you can do is wait around expecting them to change their mind.

Kids should always be something both parties are enthusiastic about before having. He doesn't sound like that'll ever be him. Sorry.

Maybe in a decade maybe. But by then it might be a lot harder for you.

What about marriage? What are your plans for that? Ideally that comes before kids and so will give you an idea of his commitment to you and of his timeline.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/11/2023 20:25

If you want them soon, split up.

If you want to wait, give yourself a deadline.

And is marriage on the cards?

GwenGhost · 29/11/2023 20:28

Honestly, just dump him. Find someone who actually wants a family life.

Potatopies · 29/11/2023 20:36

If he was older I’d say it probably won’t work but at his age I don’t think it’s uncommon. I didn’t want kids until my 30s and most friends didn’t have them until then either. Maybe if you would like them sooner he’s not the right man for you!

MerryChristmasToYou · 29/11/2023 20:40

Do not stay with him hoping he'll change his mind. If you have moved in together set a deadline for marriage or it won't happen.

At 25, you have many fertile years left, but the years can fly past, and I know many who started trying in their mid-30s, and found it didn't happen.

MyInduction · 29/11/2023 20:46

I wouldn't waste my fertile years on a man who didn't want children in the hope that he might change his mind. Unlike other posters, I don't think you're 'very young' to become a mother. I was told at 25 that I would never conceive naturally (I was seeing doctors for non fertility issues but issues with fertility were discovered). However, against the odds I conceived a year later. I now have a beautiful baby that I may not have had had I waited until my 30s to ttc because fertility declines in your 30s.

MerryChristmasToYou · 29/11/2023 20:50

I don't think you are 'very young to be a mother' either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/11/2023 20:59

MyInduction · 29/11/2023 20:46

I wouldn't waste my fertile years on a man who didn't want children in the hope that he might change his mind. Unlike other posters, I don't think you're 'very young' to become a mother. I was told at 25 that I would never conceive naturally (I was seeing doctors for non fertility issues but issues with fertility were discovered). However, against the odds I conceived a year later. I now have a beautiful baby that I may not have had had I waited until my 30s to ttc because fertility declines in your 30s.

And for many people no children would have been better than an early child. Everyone is different. Your experience means you think women should consider earlier conception. Mine, a terrible 'starter marriage', makes me believe the opposite.

Olika · 29/11/2023 21:00

'anyways, he said he can’t make a decision now and he said we can come back to the decision when I want to start trying to have kids.'
^ so you end up having the same convo in few years time and then you have less time on your side.

Daffodilsandbees · 29/11/2023 21:06

I’m afraid I think you should leave him if he’s not willing to commit to kids on a timeline. Agreed that many men don’t want kids in their 20s but there are plenty who already know that they definitely will in their 30s and can plan and dream about it with you. My opinion may be biased by my IVF experience (early 30s, successful twice!)

LameBorzoi · 29/11/2023 21:10

There's this classic tale on mumsnet. Woman wants kids. Man says maybe, let's talk again later. Years go by. Woman in in mid 30s. Man says no. Couple break up a few years later. Woman has developed fertility issues and is single. Man repartners with younger woman and has kids.

I don't think that you should count on him changing his mind. In your late 20s, I think most people have some idea of what the next 10 years looks like, and his does not include kids.

Loopytiles · 29/11/2023 21:14

Wouldn’t continue living together with this large incompatibility hanging over you: would pursue whatever things you want to do and would do were you single.

Loopytiles · 29/11/2023 21:15

Many 27 year old men don’t want DC yet, but there’s a big difference between that and him thinking he may well never want DC.

EarthSight · 29/11/2023 21:26

It's a real risk to wait for him because it might bring you problems. He might change his mind, but he might not, and if he doesn't, you will be left having to start all over again at the age of 30. Lots of people do meet other at that age, but unless a man wants to commit and marry quickly, they will try to go for someone younger, to buy themselves time. It's a lot of pressure because if they do want to split up from you because things just don't work out, it means potentially breaking up with a woman at quite a crucial time, and some men won't want that responsibility or pressure on their shoulders.

You probably don't want to think of your boyfriend in this way, no one does, but do consider that despite how nice he is in many other ways, you may not be 'The One' for him.

In my opinion, this is how a lot of men show their pickyness. They will even have kids with the woman......but they won't marry her. It's a way of keeping her at arm's length. They will shrug their shoulders and put a massive wet blanket over the whole idea, knowing it'll discourage the woman from expecting it. Or they will string the woman along for literally years, always promising that it's going to be next year, or when they get a promotion.

It doesn't matter how you feel about marriage - you may be quite ambivalent about the whole idea or might be politically against it even. But it's not about you, it's about what it means to the other person.

Please don't be one of those women who end up coming on Mumsnet, who at a crucial stage in their lives are dumped by their partners, only to find out that he'd found a younger model, married her and had kids in quick succession. No messing about. Suddenly he has no problem with marriage being 'a piece of paper'! Fancy that! The woman will often risk being left childless and alone.

EarthSight · 29/11/2023 21:28

LameBorzoi · 29/11/2023 21:10

There's this classic tale on mumsnet. Woman wants kids. Man says maybe, let's talk again later. Years go by. Woman in in mid 30s. Man says no. Couple break up a few years later. Woman has developed fertility issues and is single. Man repartners with younger woman and has kids.

I don't think that you should count on him changing his mind. In your late 20s, I think most people have some idea of what the next 10 years looks like, and his does not include kids.

This.

Also, you could end up having medical issues. I had no idea that at the age of 28 - 29 that I would develop migraines like I did. They came out of nowhere and walloped me.

I went from having no headaches at all (I was the most headache free people I knew) to having 13 hour migraines, vomiting the whole time, and they would often make me feel unwell even into the next day. I've wasted many days of my life having migraines. Imagine juggling that and having a baby when your migraines are aggravated by a lack of sleep!

EarthSight · 29/11/2023 21:31

MerryChristmasToYou · 29/11/2023 20:50

I don't think you are 'very young to be a mother' either.

I also agree that you're not too young. It just depends on you, and you deserve to be with someone who is sure and ready to have kids.

MaxTalk · 29/11/2023 21:47

Way too young. Why do you want to be burdened with a kid and a partner who doesn't want one at this age?

Dump him, go out and live life for the next 10 years then see where you are.

LameBorzoi · 29/11/2023 23:14

@Loopytiles exactly. OP didn't say to him "I want kids now", she said "I want kids in the future". His answer was as unambiguously "no" as you could reasonably expect in the situation. It wasn't really a maybe. It was a "no, but we've just moved in together, I don't want to break up, and I'm hoping you will change your mind / delay until it's too late"

Morecladding · 30/11/2023 07:21

Sorry I meant you're very young to be worrying about this. Most men don't until later. I actually had my first at 25 and second at 30. My experience is that I was a much better parent in my 30s.

Paddleboarder · 30/11/2023 07:27

It sounds as though he was probably a bit shocked if it came up out of the blue. He's still young so maybe will want them in a few years and maybe not. He might just need a bit of time to get his head around it. I would wait a while before really pushing the issue but make sure it's clear to him that you do want children.