Partner unsure about wanting kids

[Lilmisspinky]

I (f25) have been with my partner (m27) for over three years now and we moved in with each other earlier this year. When we first got together I was unsure as to whether I wanted kids or not and so was he. However in the past year or So I have solidified my decision and definitely want kids in the future without a doubt. I brought it up to my partner recently and it turned into an argument. He assumed that neither of us wanted kids. I definitely never said I never wanted kids, only that I was unsure.

anyways, he said he can’t make a decision now and he said we can come back to the decision when I want to start trying to have kids. I’m 25 now and would like to have my first child maybe around 29/30. Am I being unfair to bring this up to him now? It’s literally on my mind 24/7. He did say he would rather have a child with me than break up with me, but I’m afraid he will resent me in years to come.

should I just wait a few years and see how it pans out or am I wasting valuable years?

thanks

He assumed that neither of us wanted kids.
Personally I don't think you should spend the next few years getting more & more entangled and settled with a guy who you may have to leave because you want children & he doesn't.

It seems a waste of both your time and energy.

Maybe revisit the conversation in case once he's thought about it more instead of assuming, his answer is more encouraging.

If a man does not say yes to kids, he means no.

Leaving it until 35 to think of settling down then ttc is leaving it late.

At 25 your are right to start thinking about babies... as others have said. However I think some are jumping the gun it is not easy to date nowadays. I would set a time scale and discuss again in 12 months and make sure he agrees with this plan and he unfortunately would have to decide solidly if he wants future children. I understand both parties can be unsure... however I had my baby at 24 and I have had a miscarriage 6 years later. Tomorrow isn't promised OP.

If everything else is good, I'd probably say 'I'm going to spend the next six months thinking about what I want from the future and I hope you will too. I already know I want marriage and kids, and I hope we're the right match for one another. If you don't want the same things we will have to think about our futures'

You would be taking a huge risk to wait until you're ready to try for them and then see what he says then. As you may end up having to go through a breakup, heal, date, meet someone, spend some time together, start trying, let alone engagement and marriage. That takes years if you're not rushing.

PS: I know you won't want to hear this, but if he doesn't say 'yes I want kids', he doesn't want kids. Parenthood is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Birth is hard. It's all hard, and you deserve to do it with someone who is all in and excited about becoming a father with you, who wants to cuddle up and talk to the baby when you're pregnant, who can't wait to tell everyone you're expecting, who will be the first to get up at night to feed the baby, who tells you to go for a nap while he takes the baby for a walk, and it only gets more challenging as they grow older and more conscious and you get to think about parenting styles and how you raise them and all that. It would be a living hell to do it with someone who didn't want that child in the first place. It rarely turns out well. Don't give him more than six months, and I'd be inclined to say by then you need to be moving forward with an engagement so you're taking steps towards the commitment you need before a baby comes along. Otherwise he could just string you along for years saying he wants it until crunch time comes and he's off.

You two are incompatible. Also, the fact that he'd rather have a kid to hold onto a relationship than to breakup is a huge red flag. He genuinely doesn't want children..Not understanding why you two decided to move in together or continue the relationship.

Don't try to trap him with a child, don't become intentionally pregnant and continue the pregnancy. You'd be raising a child alone.

Find someone you're compatible with. Take the time to get to know them. Make sure your values and goals align. Don't ignore red flags. Don't rush and have a child with anyone, because you have "baby fever".

Why waste time waiting to revisit this in later years when the answer would probably still be no, or him stringing you along with uncertainty??.. Also, there isn't any guarantee that you two would even still be together.

At 30 I was 100% positive I did not want children. At 35 I started to wobble, at 38 I got divorced and met someone else, at 39 I had DS and at 42 I had DD. Best best thing I have ever done in my life, they are my entire world and have brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined.
You may change your mind...you may not change your mind...but time is still on your side.

If a man does not say yes to kids, he means no.

This. He isn't saying he does but not yet. He said no.
But then said he would have kids with you just to stay with you.

Thats a carrot dangler right there.
Classic, and adding in the we'll talk about it in a couple years/when you want to have a baby has just confirmed that one.

He won't even discuss it now.

He will keep you dangling as long as possible because you've just moved in together and his life is currently rosy, and he doesn't want that to change.
For now.
So as long as he can dangle that carrot of possibility for as long as he can get away with it, he will be a happy man.

I fully expect his answer will be the exact same in 1, 2, 3,4, 5 years time. Until you are fed of carrots and leave and he'll then be married and a father within a year, with someone else.

If he doesn't want to discuss it now, he never will.
I mean you are both a good age to start thinking about a family. You are in a commited relationship and have just moved in together. if he doesn't know now how he sees his future with you, he likely never will.

He'll be the same with marriage I expect. have you broached that one?
If he is coming at you with 'not sure' or its 'not the right time' or he 'hasn't thought about it yet' or even 'yes I want to marry you, but we'll wait a couple more years' then it sounds likely he hasn't really considered an actual future with you in it.

Don't let him sit on the fence. Tell him it needs a discussion and he needs to seriously think about it because you do not want the same conversation in 2 or 3 years time when you are ready to actually start a family.