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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

2 year relationship not met his daughter

76 replies

brokencrayons · 29/11/2023 09:53

Hello I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 26 mi the now. I have three children who he has met and he has a daughter who I’ve yet to meet. He keeps telling me it’ll happen next week, then he creates an argument. I’ve been very respectful of his decision and haven’t pushed the issue until last week. He shouted at me down the phone “do t ever bring up my daughter again!!!@ he’s also got me blocked on social media and never posts me on there. I’m really feeling insecure about myself and the relationship and I’m thinking of ending it as I feel disrespected and like I’m not good enough to be shared in his world. Am I being silly? I need advice

OP posts:
brokencrayons · 30/11/2023 12:35

Thank you everyone. Im going to end it over the weekend. Just plucking up the courage to do so

OP posts:
Aprilx · 30/11/2023 12:52

brokencrayons · 29/11/2023 15:55

He’s never been married. His kids mum has a fiancé

How do you know this? Did your boyfriend tell you by chance.

I think he is in a relationship, but even if he is not, there is no good explanation for why you are blocked on his social media. If my husband did that to me (if we were on it, which we aren’t but hypothetically), I would take that as a sign that our relationship was coming to an end, it is really that bad.

DidiAskYouThough · 30/11/2023 13:00

Never date a man who shouts at you.

Why do you need courage, are you scared of him? Just text him you no longer find him attractive,the relationship is over, all the best. If he tries to fight with you, decline, just say you’re not happy.

hjytrjulykuyh · 30/11/2023 14:44

He blocked and deleted you... I think he has ended it OP? I wouldn't bother telling him you're done with the relationship too, it will just look a bit 'you can't fire me, I quit!'. He's already ended it with his actions. I would go no contact and move on.

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 15:08

I wouldn't have been introducing a man to my kids if he wasn't introducing his to me and mine.

If he was going to introduce you now, to me that's actually about the right timing. A couple of years.

But he's not.

He's flying off the handle, telling you its not happening, telling you to shut up about it, and engineering arguments.

So, for whatever reasons, he still - at this reasonable time period, doesn't want you introduced to his child. As others have said, that suggests he doesn't see this as long haul.

If he did, now would he a very reasonable time to introduce you.

He's happy to take advantage of your company, happy to take advantage of your time, happy to take advantage of your money/resources to pay for a bolthole caravan. If he could afford it on his own, I imagine he'd just have gotten it on his own.
No doubt also happy to have regular sex on a plate.

Yet apparently doesn't see this as long-term/settled.

If you were in the same page - and if you were presumably you'd not have introduced your kids to him - that would be ok but, like many women, you're not.

(Interesting that he never married his child's mother either).

He's getting far too much commitment and openness and resources and intimacy etc from you; for a man who's apparently not committed enough to introduce his child after a reasonable period of time.

He's also got a nasty, immature way of dealing with things.
And he seems to think you're under his thumb. You can just shut up about this subject. There's little fear of you walking away, apparently.

This isn't an equal relationship.

I wouldn't be investing in it further. He doesn't seem invested in it. It's maybe just convenient for him.

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 15:15

The social media blocking is extremely suspicious and disrespectful too.

He doesn't want you to see his business, he doesn't want people knowing you're his partner, he doesn't want you connecting with his DD/other family members etc. Why?

Ain't no way I'd be letting a man's dick near me, if I wasn't welcome on his SM. That's very very two faced and compartmentalised. If I'm good enough to fuck and hang out with and co own a caravan with, and spend weekends with; I'm good enough to be on his SM and acknowledged as his partner.

There's something totally off about the SM thing.

He's happy to use you for whatever, but wants to put you in a box - outside his sphere - socially/in a wider setting. I'd really wonder why.

I'd be very suspicious he's got other women on the go, or is open to.

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 15:22

As for his Mum, maybe he doesn't actually live with her full-time.

I've been taken to places men professed to live with a friend/relative; they didn't actually live there full-time.

His Mum may or may not know what else he gets up to.

It's perfectly possible she doesn't and so has contact with you innocently.

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 15:26

I've even met relatives who know a man is cheating or double dealing or playing the field (or who suspect he is) who go along with it.

In one case, a weird (but not hostile) situation happened which had my spidey senses going when a married man's Mum and sister arrived at his yacht, and acted like they were the interlopers, not me (I'd just been taken on for tea, having bumped into him) and had a funny attitude. I left quite quickly and was scratching my head the whole way home about it. Later I found out he had had several affairs. I think they thought I was his latest. They were pleasant and sheepish, and I didn't get the impression that he'd be getting any challenge/shit from them at all.

Others clearly have experienced family going along with cheating/playing situations too, from posts on here.

Why, who knows . Maybe they take the "none of my business","whatever" approach to things. One of the guys I saw this with; it seemed like his female relatives were very indulgent towards him, possibly even submissive, and had a very laissez faire attitude. They presumably didn't want to fall out with him and wanted to be on good terms with golden boy no matter what. Women would come and go, their family relationships would always be there. It's amazing how people act.

DidiAskYouThough · 30/11/2023 15:29

Four posts back to back, @EyeInTheSky23 is invested! 😄

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 15:38

DidiAskYouThough · 30/11/2023 15:29

Four posts back to back, @EyeInTheSky23 is invested! 😄

No, I just have verbal diarrhea.

And keep thinking of things I should have said.

NosamLDN · 30/11/2023 15:45

Possibility from experience, He still has a wife and he likely wanted to end things with her when he met you but didn't but now he fears his daughter will go and tell her mum when you meet her.

Just being frank

DidiAskYouThough · 30/11/2023 15:57

@EyeInTheSky23 😄 I’m the same

Lilithlogic · 30/11/2023 16:00

Maybe the more you push to see his child the more he will pull away. I'd find it incredibly weird if a man was nagging at me to meet my children.

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 16:02

NosamLDN · 30/11/2023 15:45

Possibility from experience, He still has a wife and he likely wanted to end things with her when he met you but didn't but now he fears his daughter will go and tell her mum when you meet her.

Just being frank

Where does his wife think he is every other weekend when he's at the caravan with op?

How come she hasn't noticed he's co-bought a caravan with another woman?

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 16:03

Lilithlogic · 30/11/2023 16:00

Maybe the more you push to see his child the more he will pull away. I'd find it incredibly weird if a man was nagging at me to meet my children.

It's been two years (and he's gone along with meeting her children).

Hardly weird to increasingly wonder why an intro is not happening.

Pinkbonbon · 30/11/2023 16:09

Random but...'don't ever bring my daughter up again!' seems like a protective thing to say. It feels like it might be projection.

You mention you have kids who he has met.

Just pointing out that paeodophiles exist and like to groom single mothers. I'd expect they're very paranoid about their own kids saftey because they know monsters are out there.

Men who cheat like to accuse you of cheating.

I wonder if similarly...monsters suspect other people of being monsters all the time.

Its estimated that up to 4 in 100 men (so 1 in 25) are ONLY attracted to kids. And many more have some attraction to them.

I mean even just think back to the MSN era, how many 20 something year old men would hit on 13 year olds.

I'd have a chat with your kids, make sure nothing suss is going on, just incase.

Seaoftroubles · 30/11/2023 16:10

If he lives with his Mum no wonder she is nice to you. She's probably hoping to he's going to move in with you so she can get shot of him!

Pinkbonbon · 30/11/2023 16:11

And side thought, maybe he experienced abuse in childhood and so is extra protective of her.

But after knowing him 2 years, he trusts you or he doesn't.

Lilithlogic · 30/11/2023 16:14

Yes, you are quite right, I was thinking out of my backside for a moment

EyeInTheSky23 · 30/11/2023 16:21

My best guess is that;

He doesn't see it as long term/exclusive and doesn't want to intro his DD knowing that (which is obviously super hypocritical given hes gone along with meeting your kids).
Alongside that he wants to be free to potentially meet other woman and so doesn't want you seeing his SM or to acknowledge you as his partner on SM.

You've seen (recent?) photos of his DD with him, at the caravan etc (??) so it's not that he's lying about having access and there's some dodgy/legal shit going on around that, that you might see stuff about on SM.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2023 16:22

brokencrayons · 30/11/2023 09:12

We don’t do anything other than go to the caravan every other weekend when we both don’t have our kids. The rest of the time he goes to the gym and I go to my gym or we come to my house. There’s no social life, he doesn’t drink so that’s why he doesn’t like the pub scene he says. Understandable x

I don't drink

I still like going to the pub/out for meals.

You're being used.

isthismylifenow · 30/11/2023 16:27

Well something isn't right.

I would have said either he is in a relationship or the child isn't real. You say neither of these are the case though. But that doesn't matter. You don't go into a relationship and have to work out where you stand. Especially after 2 years.

This is not an investigation you have to make. Things don't add up, he isn't treating you well. Isn't that enough reason to put yourself first, and walk away?

It's odd that you share a caravan together, so have pooled finances but are not able to meet his child.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 30/11/2023 16:34

So he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you either?
Definitely something else going on here.

Startingagainandagain · 30/11/2023 16:59

You have only visited the place where he lives (supposedly with his mum) a couple of times? so you only meet at your place or the caravan?

OP, this man is living a double life and is lying to you...

He is probably seeing you and other women, potentially his 'ex' too.

Or he doesn't want you to meet his child because there is some bad blood with the mother (a history of him being abusive) and he does not want you to find out.

Do you even know if the women you met is really his mum?

Frankly I would run a mile from this man if I were you.

His social media probably has his other partner(s) all over it...

brokencrayons · 01/12/2023 12:12

She has actually said this 😅

OP posts:
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