Meeting friends when you go ‘home’

[ChilliPB]

I live in a different city from where I grew up and lived in my 20s (which was London). I go back twice a year or so and stay with family, and when I’m there try and catch up with friends. I have a few different groups of friends - from school, a couple of different jobs etc.

Every time I go back, one friend wants me to go to her house. Trouble is it’s London, she lives on the outskirts in an area that’s a bit rubbish for transport (no train station within walking distance) - to get to hers is 1 hour 40 from my family’s place. I keep saying ‘let’s meet somewhere central that’s easy for both of us’ and I must have said this 10 times over the last couple of years. But every time she wants me to go to hers. I’m visiting soon and she’s suggested on a group chat with our mutual friends we all go to hers. In one way it’s nice that she’s offering to host but honestly it’s a pain to get there and back and often I’m trying to fit in a couple of things in one day - someone for lunch, someone else for dinner etc. Much easier to plan if you’re somewhere central.

I’ve said again I’d like to meet somewhere central and she’s just reiterated that she’s happy to host. I don’t mind just repeating myself and saying it doesn’t work for me, but it’s starting to grate that she doesn’t seem willing to make it easier for me, considering I’ve travelled several hours to get there. Surely if someone has travelled to be in your city, you might work around them a bit and be a bit more considerate?

Those who have moved away from where they grew up, do you spend your visits running around to meet up with people or do you hope they’ll work around you a bit?

No I go home and it’s a 3.5 he drive.
I message my old friends a few weeks in advance and tell them what my plans are and invite them to meet up if they want /are free .

I don’t have time to accommodate everyone and everything individually

Just reply “no it has to be central” then give a couple of suggestions that work for you. Are you being too soft with your responses and she’s thinking you’re saying no because you don’t want to impose or something? You’ll have to tell her straight.

This. I contact people in advance, tell them my dates, times and any fixed plans that I've already committed to, and either invite them to come along to things I'm doing (a gig, a night out), or to propose other plans that fit with mine. I couldn't accommodate everyone individually, and I wouldn't want to -- too exhausting.

In fairness, I think most of my friends have been the person visiting from elsewhere at some point, and understand that while I do want to see people, I don't want to leave again at the end of my stay absolutely drained.

Thank you for the replies.

I do feel completely drained after visiting. It might feel easier in a smaller city but getting public transport around London to do 2 or 3 different things in one day is exhausting.

I have repeated myself so many times with her and I’ll reply to this last suggestion really clearly. I guess it’s just starting to annoy me as she seems to want to control where/when we meet, even though she knows I’m only around for a couple of days and must know I’ll be trying to fit in a few different things. I think it’s one thing that I have to repeat myself but it’s another thing that she seems to totally lack awareness or consideration! I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but if someone was visiting my city for a weekend I’d be like ‘would be lovely to meet up - if you have time, let me know where and when might work for you’.

Sounds like she's happy to see you and meet up with you but could something be holding her back from going out? I know you've told her your reasons for suggesting somewhere central but has she given you her reasons for suggesting her house?

Is she agoraphobic? Struggling with money? Childcare? Controlling partner?

I know it doesn't solve your problem but it might help knowing she's not doing it out of awkwardness or laziness.

Good point@DatingDinosaur. She does have children but their dad (her DH) is around so although she has to plan around childcare I don’t think it’s impossible for her to get out for one afternoon/evening. Or she could just say she can’t make it (and I’d completely understand).

Could she be short of cash? It’s much cheaper to host someone nicely at home when you’re broke.

I don’t think she’s short of cash, it’s possible but from what I know about her lifestyle - eg she’s been away on a couple of holidays this summer - I don’t think she is.

She could say if that was the case though and I’d be happy to meet central and do something cheap (eg just get a coffee) or free (wander around a gallery etc).

I moved away from where I grew up about 20 years ago. I visit regularly because of family and when I first moved away, when I went back to visit I was here, there and everywhere trying to see people, and keep them happy. As time has gone on, I've realised i can't do it anymore. I message them all in advance and give them the dates I'm around and if they want to meet up somewhere, let me know.

Funnily enough a few people now don't bother replying - unless I go to them they don't want to see me, which is fine. Real friends would make the effort.

I'm form the country side and I host some tea and cake and I go to visit them for tea an cake depending on the availability. If I'm going for just a few days I tell them to come to mine, if I got more spare time I go to theirs. Sometimes we can't see us, sometimes we can, it depends on everyone agenda tbh.
It is not something you must do. You do it if it's fit everyone, friendship is not going to disappear just because one time you can't meet.

I suppose she can't be bothered to travel either or something is keeping her at home. It's a pain dragging yourself round on visits like this. Next time try proposing a meeting point for the whole group which is central and accessible for everyone. Then see who makes the effort. Those are your 'real' friends!

I'm going to be at xx between 2 and 4 on the 28th, would love to see you there

I dunno. I still think there's a reason for it. Could you ring her and ask her one to one if everything's okay?

If she went away twice in the summer she's possibly now skint. Foreign holidays for a family now run into many thousands and with easily available credit, there are a lot of people realising they've been living well beyond their means.

That would annoy me. If I go home I suggest meeting up but like you my home city is London so it is a large place. Over the years I have dropped people who won't make an effort to accommodate my plans considering I have already had a 5 hour drive to get there so don't want to travel to the other side of London to meet up. The only exception is older/disabled or sick people for whom I know travel is an issue. I assume this is not the case with your friend.

I now just have a few close family/friends that I see. Maybe you should just suggest somewhere central and say coming to hers is not going to work. If she still refuses to meet you halfway I would not bother seeing her.

I am going to offer a different perspective, albeit not one I condone now 🙈
Could it be she is under-estimating the impact of the travel on you.
I have to admit when I use to have a friend come ‘home’ I used to perceive her as being on a break and as she was ‘off’ just seen her as less busy.
I suppose the context was I knew she had a very undemanding job, so tbh didn’t really value her time off. She was visiting when she had annual leave at a time that suited me and very much wanted to see me - I had incredible busy work/ caring commitments so kinda expected her to fit in with me ( as her trip home didn’t coincide with any of my leave)
When I visited family in her country - I took similar approach going to meet her at her preferred location, as I thought of it as me fitting into her life ( as I was the one on a break)
Still understand your conundrum- have you spelt out in basic terms impact of all travel on your friend. Ie- I only have 4 hours free so if I travel to you we will only have half an hour max together
’I can meet you half way but if that doesn’t work for you - no worries maybe on my next trip. Can’t come to yours unfortunately’

I think she's just being lazy and can't be bothered to go out of her way to see you unfortunately.

I'm going home at the weekend to meet friends and we're out to the pub- but it's a small, walkable town, so totally different scenario.

I am more likely to travel to visit friends than vice versa, though, because I'm the childless one with more flexibility. This is becoming less the case now we're in our 50s, as the children are at uni now, which has freed up people.

Can you just not go this time (to hers I mean)? She might think you always give in because you don't really mind. It would push the point and make the trip easier this time.

Is it a group of friends who meet up. Can you take the lead with the others and propose a central meet up and she can join or not.

I had a friend who was very like this. She wasn't agoraphobic or skint. She just couldn't be bothered to travel though was willing to host. If the rest of us met somewhere else she'd say she would come but not turn up.

Is she a bit controlling about things generally? I had a friend who always HAD to decide things like where we’d meet, when, what time we’d travel etc. It wore me down after a while and I ended the friendship. She said it was linked to her ASD that she likes to plan and decide things, but it didn’t feel good on the other end and I felt controlled.

Anyway, with your friend I’d just be very blunt in your next message. Say you’re not going to be able to make it to her because the travel time is unfortunately too far when you are coming from another location earlier in the day. Offer to meet up somewhere half way ish and if she doesn’t accept then let it be. You won’t see her this visit. Or arrange with others to meet in the middle location and ask if she is coming.

I agree it is unfair to expect you to travel 1hr 40 and not to meet half way.

This.

I have several friends like this and realise its because I am much more accommodating and less selfish.

It has taken a while to realise that though!

Tell her you will meet centrally and leave it at that. Either she will meet you halfway there or
she can't be bothered. But be firm!

Normally yes, but we have a car and we might only see max 3 people / families. The people that we always make the effort for but don't put themselves out to come to us have dropped off the list I think now. Someone said that we could come for 30 minutes max, don't think we will be fitting them in again. It's very different when you can zoom about with the car. However I'm loath to loose friends so maybe a compromise would be to see them next time your down

Hey everyone, thanks so much for all the replies.

I think @Rabbitrescue your POV does sound like it could be right - that she thinks I’m just down on holiday and have plenty of time free whereas she is busy. In reality, I’m travelling down on Friday night, off work for the weekend as she is, and then WFH from my family’s house on Monday before I go home in the evening. She’s generally not great at seeing others’ perspectives so I think it’s a bit of unintentional lack of empathy.

I’ve done as a few of you suggested and texted the group and said when I’m around and suggested meeting up somewhere central - will see how it goes! I think I’ll just have to keep saying it’s too far to hers but I’ll be free to meet centrally if she keeps asking going forward.

In my friend groups if it's London then at best you take into account which xone 1 station someone may be going into.

So if someone training from the south you meet near Waterloo or Victoria train or if north Euston or Paddington. (If they have long train and avoid tubes)

If you both live say.zone 3 on tube lines you find the tube stop where you intersect.

That's the extent of compromise. I have seen my London mates houses once each if that in 20 years.

Thats a really good and logical idea

Some of my friends habe created almost unspoken meeting points of where is middle travel wise for us both/all.

If people aren't willing to do that then you either have to accept you are always going to be the one to put yourself out or you stop meeting. I hd to be very blunt with one friend but it worked and now she sees my travel/money/time viewpoint.