Meeting friends when you go ‘home’

[ChilliPB]

I live in a different city from where I grew up and lived in my 20s (which was London). I go back twice a year or so and stay with family, and when I’m there try and catch up with friends. I have a few different groups of friends - from school, a couple of different jobs etc.

Every time I go back, one friend wants me to go to her house. Trouble is it’s London, she lives on the outskirts in an area that’s a bit rubbish for transport (no train station within walking distance) - to get to hers is 1 hour 40 from my family’s place. I keep saying ‘let’s meet somewhere central that’s easy for both of us’ and I must have said this 10 times over the last couple of years. But every time she wants me to go to hers. I’m visiting soon and she’s suggested on a group chat with our mutual friends we all go to hers. In one way it’s nice that she’s offering to host but honestly it’s a pain to get there and back and often I’m trying to fit in a couple of things in one day - someone for lunch, someone else for dinner etc. Much easier to plan if you’re somewhere central.

I’ve said again I’d like to meet somewhere central and she’s just reiterated that she’s happy to host. I don’t mind just repeating myself and saying it doesn’t work for me, but it’s starting to grate that she doesn’t seem willing to make it easier for me, considering I’ve travelled several hours to get there. Surely if someone has travelled to be in your city, you might work around them a bit and be a bit more considerate?

Those who have moved away from where they grew up, do you spend your visits running around to meet up with people or do you hope they’ll work around you a bit?

Surely if someone has travelled to be in your city, you might work around them a bit and be a bit more considerate?

I see it the other way around, and in my case I'm the one who moved away. I come from Dublin and my friends are now scattered around a few counties, mostly working fairly local to where they live, mostly with two or three children. If it suits them better for me to go to them, I go, because I (the one who chose to leave) am in town visiting whereas they are fitting me into their existing busy lives.

When are you proposing to meet up? If your friend has children then school nights are homework or clubs or beavers, and weekends are birthday parties and football and playdates. The fact that she has a husband/partner does not mean it's easy for her to get out - lots of people who live around London don't get into the centre much. She is offering to meet up in a way that works for her. If it doesn't suit you, just say "I can't make it out to X this time, let's catch-up next time", but I don't think she is at fault here. If anything I appreciate friends inviting me to their homes because we have better chats and I get more of a feeling for their current lives.

@TheYearOfSmallThings thanks for a different perspective! I suppose I just don’t have the energy to run around London to fit in two or more things in one day. And I’m ok that that might mean I don’t always catch everyone - I moved away and I’m ok with seeing friends now and then when it all works out.

It’s a weekend I’ve suggested to meet up, I’d completely understand if she can’t make it due to kids stuff or other commitments. It’s just that she’s very insistent and always (not just for this visit) wants me to come to hers.

I’ve always followed the logic of @burnoutbabe that in London you meet somewhere easy for both of you/for all of you based on where your public transport connections go eg near one of the mainline stations. We have mutual friends who live in a commuter town that would join a central meet up as they can get a direct train into town, but would find it difficult to get to hers.

I also don’t find it better to have a catch up at hers with her husband and kids there - can be difficult to have a conversation with her husband on his PlayStation and kids playing games etc.

I think I’ll just get ahead going forward and say ‘I’m around X date, if anyone meets to meet up in X area, but no pressure and completely understand if you can’t make it - will catch up next time’.

It gives her a way to politely decline.

Have you considered she may have health issues that you don't know about? Mental or physical, that mean getting out is difficult. I love seeing friends but they have to come to me as I can't get out easily without having a massive knock on effect on the rest of my week. Friends I haven't seen for a while wouldn't know that and it's not easy to say in a message. I would generally invite them here and then explain why if and when they came.

I generally make an effort and do exhaust myself doing it, but it’s because I want to see them, and it’s generally within a specific window so it’s on me but I get why others don’t do it. I enjoy it though and afterwards feel satisfied that I’ve seen the people I want to

This is exactly how I feel.

Thanks @FrustratedMumofBoys its possible of course but not to my knowledge - she does go out and have an active social life, although I don't think she goes into town much - most of her friends are from her work (which is near her home) and school mums.

I must be lucky as my friends try to work around me. I consider driving 220 miles to my 'home' town as far enough and certainly wouldn't be driving for another hour or so to see a friend, MH issues or not.