Should I get out now or give it time

[Someshop]

I'm not really sure what is happening in my relationships. Sometimes I think he is mentally abusive and that he actually hates me. There are young children involved. If there weren't I would go no contact for a month to get my head clear.

He is very cold and snappy with me. There is little affection and sex is very infrequent and when it does happen he finds it difficult to finish (this is new)

He keeps me off his socials and steers clear of mine (doesn't like family pics or engage at all but will engage with other people)

He's very protective of his phone and is on it all the time. It's caused arguments as on rare occasions when we do something together like a dinner date or family activity with him he is giggling and texting (ALOT) and I'm not included on the joke. When I try and talk to him, he looks bored or sometimes interrupts to say something completely unrelated.

We don't spend alot of time together, he is always out, working or socialising. He can be hard to get the hold of sometimes.

Money has been an issue at times. I carry most of the domestic,childcare and financial load.

I just feel sometimes this man holds me in complete contempt. I get to a breaking point where I ask him to go and then he reels me back in very easily I'm ashamed to admit. I hate confrontation. I am worried of a massive fall out if I insist he leaves.

I have a history of abusive relationships and very low confidence.

I just want advice what to do. I'm thinking should I get Christmas over me and get my self mentally prepared to get him out or do I need to do it now. Am I overreacting or catastrophising? Sometimes I wonder am I the abusive one?

It's easy for a stranger to say but you need to accept that this relationship is over. From what you've written you know this, your question is really about timing.
I can't see any reason for you to stay and prolong the misery, but before you tell him it's over seek advice on your position with be house and finances.

You can speak to Citizens Advice for free help, they can advise about local solicitors if necessary make to appointment to see them today, and start the leaving process on your terms

Are you married? Who owns/rents your home? Do you or he easily have somewhere to go? Who does most of the childcare? If possible, I’d get him out before Christmas and then you can actually relax and enjoy it.

Are there any positives? At all?

I think you'd do well to try to work out why you feel that you need the advice of others on this. You have a relationship that makes you feel bad: what do you think you should do?

Who makes the 'shoulds' in your life? Who is in charge of telling you how you should live?

Well, this relationship is clearly over, so why not focus on the practical aspects of ending it.

What's the housing situation, do you work, do you have childcare sorted, will you be able to manage?

And draw a line in the sand. No having him back.

I'd go now. No point dragging it out.

Get out now. He sounds one you should throw back.

There's not many positives. No. We seem to go in cycles. Weeks of this coldness then I break, have an emotional outburst. He gets angry. I apologise and feel like I'm an insecure mess. Then things are OK for a few days, he'll says he really loves me, talk about plans to do more, then rinse, repeat.

I just don't take the break up of a family lightly. I won't struggle with the workload, finances or childcare. I do nearly everything as it is. He helps sometimes but not alot and never has any money. I will struggle with the guilt and worry can things get anymore lonely. I don't get out at all because I work 2 jobs and like to enjoy free time with my children so I'm isolated. He will have no problem finding someone else, he may already have found someone he likes.

I also don't know where he will go. What way does it work legally? I was here first and as far as I'm concerned this is my children's home. He never wanted to marry and I didn't mind that due to his financial instability.

Don't wait until after Christmas, do it now so you're ready for a lovely Christmas without this awful man spoiling it for everyone.

He sounds revolting, OP. He holds you in contempt while allowing you to carry him in every single way. I'm so glad you haven't said he's a great dad, because this is not what great dads are made of. I bet the whole atmosphere in your house feels lighter whenever he goes out.

Practically, do you own or rent? Is he on any paperwork? If not, it'll be fairly straightforward as you're not married. Does he have family he could go to in the short term? Earn enough for a room in a shared house? Not that it's your problem, of course...

Please look at doing the freedom programme.
Hes either checked out of this relationship and staying for convenience, hes cheating or watching a lot porn (E.D)..
Get rid OP

Like you said yourself, you are already doing it all anyway. It will make no difference to your life other than a massive weight lifted from your shoulders. From what you have written, I can only imagine that you will feel so much lighter and freer once his gone.

No. He's not on the tenancy but I would assume some tenancy rights and would require notice which I would be prepared to give him. We're not at each others throats and there is no abuse as such. I just get very down about the fact that it appears that he has moved on, nothing i do will satisfy him or make him happy. It feels like the efforts I make are usually sabotaged or criticised. I'm quite easy going most of the time so we do "get along fine", civil etc so I'm willing to give some notice. I'd like to be as amicable as is possible.

I'm asking advice as I genuinely have never experienced a healthy relationship before, most of the people in my immediate and extended family have had no luck with partners.

But from what I've told is this definitely dead in the water? His feelings for me are gone?

What do you mean there is 'no abuse as such'?

He is very much abusive. Just because he doesn't knock you about doesn't mean he isn't abusive. He is cold, calculating and cruel and treats you with utter contempt. He has also now got you thinking that it's your fault. It isn't.

You need to end this as soon as possible, because by abusing you he is by default also abusing your children. Do you want your dc to grow up thinking this is normal?

I don't know where he will go. That is, fortunately, not your concern.

What does he bring to your family apart from this painful futile cycle?

I agree in that breaking up a family isn't to be taken lightly, but it sounds like you will be much more than fine moving forward without him, and your children won't have to witness this cycle of abuse and will have a better chance of finding and maintaining healthier relationships for themselves in future without this as a role model.

The Freedom Programme is an excellent shout, give it a go, seek help and accept it. You deserve more. Break the chain.

Are you happy with him?

That is literally the only question you need to answer here. And I'd say the answer is no.

If so, end it. There will be consequences, there will be fallout, but in the long run they will be less bad than not ending it.

Your decision should be based on how you feel about him, not how he feels about you.

You feel taken for granted, abused, walking on eggshells, scared, angry with him. You feel unloved, disrespected.

Those are all good reasons for you to end the relationship.

You grew up surrounded by unhealthy relationships - you don’t want that for your children.

Throw him out. He’s not on the tenancy and you aren’t married and you are able to live independently without him. Tell him your relationship is over and that he has to move out. If you think he will kick off (especially physically) have your phone in your hand and call the police at the first sign of trouble.

I'd leave now while you feel you can.

Please end this cycle of misery and get rid of him. It's the best Christmas present you can give yourself.

Is he the father of your children?

@GrazingSheep yes

I know he wouldn't kick off physically but I reckon he'd not go quietly. He is out alot so I have the place to myself alot and with work we are like 2 ships sometimes.

I understand about the children not being set a healthy example of what a relationship is about and when anything involves or happens in their presence I find my backbone.

Last night I self referred myself for counselling as I know I have alot past trauma that has left me damaged and I used to think I had it together. Around 2 months ago I felt very hopeless and suicidal. Like a massive loser, that my children would be better without me. It was very intrusive thoughts and I sought help and was referred but by the time the appointment (not counselling but assessment) was offered I felt a lot better mentally, no longer suicidal and was worried SS would be involved. The details of the appt sounded like I could be admitted to hospital possibly.

As it stands now I do believe it can be a cruel world that seems to work out better for cruel people but I know my children need me and despite the mess my relationship is I make alot of happy memories with them.

What does the Freedom programme do? I need something to build up my confidence.

@Someshop "The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed."

I'd really recommend the counselling you mention. You sound more worried and sad about how he might not like you anymore as much as his treatment of you and this makes me wonder about your self-esteem and how many other supportive people you have in your life. You could create a calm, happy friendly home with your children x

This is not a healthy relationship OP, a supportive partner would be next to you every step of the way in your journey to good mental health and children rearing, carry your load whilst you are getting better, not make you carry him in every way possible. You don't mention him at all in regards to his support with this, so I reckon he may be using your fragile state against you, possibly in relation to the kids as well, custody, etc. My advice would be in conjunction with the therapy, consult a lawyer as well where you stand if you separate. If he doesn't have a pot to piss in, as it sounds this may be the case, you re in a very strong position, just start planning your exit, you deserve so much better. Good luck x

You aren’t married and he’s not on the tenancy? You don’t need to give him notice, just tell him to go and change the locks. Why are you doing this to yourself? He sounds like an abusive arse.

I am new here and I am sad to say I relate. I honestly will say this. You are young with young kids and getting out now is probably a really good idea for your sanity and their well being.