Should I get out now or give it time

[Someshop]

I'm not really sure what is happening in my relationships. Sometimes I think he is mentally abusive and that he actually hates me. There are young children involved. If there weren't I would go no contact for a month to get my head clear.

He is very cold and snappy with me. There is little affection and sex is very infrequent and when it does happen he finds it difficult to finish (this is new)

He keeps me off his socials and steers clear of mine (doesn't like family pics or engage at all but will engage with other people)

He's very protective of his phone and is on it all the time. It's caused arguments as on rare occasions when we do something together like a dinner date or family activity with him he is giggling and texting (ALOT) and I'm not included on the joke. When I try and talk to him, he looks bored or sometimes interrupts to say something completely unrelated.

We don't spend alot of time together, he is always out, working or socialising. He can be hard to get the hold of sometimes.

Money has been an issue at times. I carry most of the domestic,childcare and financial load.

I just feel sometimes this man holds me in complete contempt. I get to a breaking point where I ask him to go and then he reels me back in very easily I'm ashamed to admit. I hate confrontation. I am worried of a massive fall out if I insist he leaves.

I have a history of abusive relationships and very low confidence.

I just want advice what to do. I'm thinking should I get Christmas over me and get my self mentally prepared to get him out or do I need to do it now. Am I overreacting or catastrophising? Sometimes I wonder am I the abusive one?

An abusive relationship doesn’t only mean verbal/sexual/physical abuse. From what you write, it sounds very much as if you are in an abusive relationship. Where is the fun, the laughter, the sharing, the love and respect? Where is the standing together, being there for each other? It’s your choice of course, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

If you're unmarried and he's not on the tenancy and you live in the UK, he's got no home rights. Living together, even for a long time, does not confer rights in this country.

Just tell him to go. You could even pack up his stuff, put it on the doorstep and change the locks (if the landlord is OK with it). He has no rights to live there. Check with CAB or something if you're worried.

Stop giving him all the power and consideration.

This is not healthy no, he's very likely to be involved with someone else. He's stealing your energy you have for your children from you. Absolutely get him out promises of change don't come although he will hold onto that to keep a hold over you. He doesn't love you by what you've said just remember that he's there for convenience and you deserve much more.

If he isn't on the tenancy he has no legal recourse.
So you can get him to leave. Any problems ring police.
I work at Womens Aid. Ring us and have a look at the freedom programme. Well worth the 12 quid

I am sorry you are in this situation but there is hope to change this for you and your children.is he the children’s father,is he on the birth certificates? You are in a strong position rethe house,you have 2 jobs and manage everything now.Now is your time to change your life.Be brave.

Please don’t imagine that life is worse after he goes. Life is so much nicer without his negative energy dragging down the house. When you go out with the children you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself because you won’t be always worrying about his rude behaviour.
I can tell you from experience that when you are on your own and lonely it’s way , way better than lonely when he’s right there.

Thank you all for your advice. I am listening and it is good to get outside perspective. One of the things that helps alot is we tend to have very separate lives. I am already living my life like a single parent.

I looked into freedom programme but I don't think I fit the description of a DV victim. I think he can be hurtful and a bit gaslighty at times. There is a history of lying also so massive trust issues on my part. The trust issues make me feel like the abusive one because I often don't believe him. I don't challenge him (unless it is glaringly obvious and I have caught him out) but he has picked up on my suspicions at times.

The lack of intimacy is concerning and all the things that @Onthemaintrunkline listed as normal things in a relationship seems like fantasy stuff to me now. I'm not saying we don't have the odd conversation but I definitely couldn't tell him how I feel.

The last time we were out together, maybe only the second time in a year I was just looking at the top of his head as he spent nearly all the time on his phone texting and laughing. I tried to engage him in conversation as did other people in our company and he just waited for me to finish talking, looked round the room when I was talking and didn't respond. It was excruciating. I'd paid for all the drinks and food as well (which he complained wasnt nice). I think I knew then without a doubt that he has no respect for me and it felt like he was trying to hurt and embarrass me or goad me into an argument. Am I being oversensitive or do I have a point?

I don't know that his behaviour classifies as abuse but I feel that this is convenience for him. A way to see his kids in between being out or me being out with the kids without having to make alot of effort or pay child maintenance. Keeping up appearances too perhaps.

I'm worried I'll be the abusive one as it breaks me sometimes, causes me to start difficult conversations which end up in arguments, my sleep is affected wondering where he is late at night when i know hes finished work hours ago and there is the trust issues.

I know what I need to do. I just need to find the strength to do it and i only want to do this once, no coming back. I probably won't do it this side of Christmas as it could potentially and probably likely ruin Christmas for the kids. I can put on a smile and get through it. We'll be round alot of family which will help and I have some Christmas treats planned just me and the kids without him. I could stay out of his way quite alot for now.

I should probably mention for context, as this event is on my mind alot when I'm thinking about a separation.

I was in a toxic relationship with a narc. When I tried to break up he worked very hard to get me back. When he got me back he was absolutely horrible to me, said horrible things to put me down, sexually assaulted and humiliated me when i refused sex, this was after he had ignored my request to put on a condom and just went ahead. It was like I got his full wrath for splitting up with him. On top of all this he was cheating as he gave me an STI that left me very ill treating what I thought was a UTI. I think the fear of hoe bad a man can turn if you break up with them is paralysing me with fear tbh.

You don't want this horrible mess hanging over you into the new year!!

You really think that YOU struggling to have a nice Christmas for the kids is going to be less painful for them? They will continue to witness his abuse and your desperation!!

No, just no. Get him out of your life and have a truly lovely Christmas.

Someshop - hi, I didn’t mean any unkindness when I wrote to you above, truly I didn’t. But when reading your opening post, it was all the ‘lack ofs’ that struck me. You sounded so sad, so demoralized. The way this chap was/is treating you has become your normal. I’m not one to say split lightly, but on reading your comments I honestly feel you have nothing to lose.

This relationship does on the surface, appear to have run its course, his disrespect is impossible to ignore here.
You deserve so much better, I haven’t been in your shoes so maybe easy for me to say, but you have one life here, one life - make it the best you possibly can. You’ve a lot to weigh up, I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world x

I'm sorry you went through that, @Someshop . You could speak to Rape Crisis regarding what your ex did to you, for support.

If you feel in danger from your current partner, please don't hesitate to involve police. The home is yours, so you get to say who is in it.

I do think your current relationship is emotionally abusive (on his side).

It may not be as bad as previous relationships you've had, but you still deserve far better.