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Original poster

Really scares of hurting new guy, some icks

160 replies

elainey87 · 27/11/2023 19:43

Hi ladies.

Changed username for this one.

I'm really hoping aome of you ladies will give me some honest thoughts / feedback on this situation, sorry in advance for the word vomit.

I'm 36 single, OLD at the moment. Long story short met a guy for a first date in early October. I wasn't super physically attracted to him at the outset but not unattracted either if that makes sense. I really really liked his personality and manner around me so agreed to a second date. We've been on a good few dates since and had 3 sleepovers but there are some issues that I'm just not sure about or that are holding me back I guess and would love to hear what you think.

Totally aware that i probably sound like a complete bitch so open to hearing that too. He has been very straight with me that he is very interested in me and keen to pursue a relationship. I guess I have my reservations but going along trying to get to know him but really don't want to hurt him either

I'm 36, he's 31 so a bit of an age gap. I have a pretty decent career going after years of hard work but not earning 6 figures either if that gives context. He didn't go to uni, nothing wrong with that, kind of floated in his 20s working dead end jobs and living week to week from talking to him, and is now embarking on a degree part time over the next 4 years which is v admirable and working full time in a related line of work while he does this. He earns half of what I do - don't mind this but I worry that it could become problematic but nothing we can't figure out. I would see myself as quite ambitious and driven so I like that he is determined to make a go of things for himself.

He lives at home with his parents which while not ideal is not a deal breaker. He moved home recently while starting to study part time so at least there's a reason for this. He does pay quite a significant amount of rent to them approx 400 per month.

I know this sounds so so mean but I really don't like how he dresses. He's a big guy, fairly overweight so not my usual type tbh but the size doesn't matter to me, its that his arse crack is constantly showing and I'm genuinely embarrassed by it. Iv said once or twice oh your pants have come down etc but I don't think he cares but I do find it inappropriate and genuinely just cringe. Yesterday we were out having lunch and I came back from the loo and saw half his arse exposed from the back of the chair. T genuinely makes me uncomfortable but I don't want to be mean about it either. I know this can be sorted but I just think I'd be mortified introducing him in those clothes to family or friends. It's not really the clothes but the exposed arse is a deal breaker as petty as it might sound. I dont ant to hurt his confidence either and make him self conscious.

Two more concerns I guess I have. He's very small in the penis department. I was quite shocked the first time but genuinely trying to overlook it now because I really do like him in lots of other ways. Penetrative sex is not great and he says he does lose his erection from time to time which I suggested very gently he could go to GP about or maybe it might help mpw that he is exercising and trying to get fitter. He is receptive to both. He does satisfy me in other ways too. Iv noticed that he does go to gym but seems very uneducated on basic nutrition in some ways etc.

Last thing and probably the biggest concern is that he confided in me that he made a suicide attempt just over a year ago. I'm so grateful that he told me this but I also cried for hours when he left after we had that conversation as it honestly scared the living daylights out of me. It seemed to stem for after a bad break up and he was in a dead end job at the time etc but it shook me to my core hearing about it. He has done therapy etc and was on antidepressants for a number of months after and assures me he is doing great now and that it shocks him that he did that but I am genuinely terrified that something might happen if we were to ever end things etc and just s bit concerned about his mindset overall i guess. I'm not saying that it would be over me but it profoundly shocked me.

Anyway, I know iv done nothing hut complain and sound like horribly selfish in ways but I do really like this man at the same time. He has a lot of redeeming qualities and we get on great and i enjoy his company. He's treated me much better than a lot of men in my life but I do wonder if there is too much to overlook etc. I'm worried about how to approach things i guess. I do see potential with him in some ways and in other ways I think God what are you doing, he's so not your type of for you etc. I also don't want to try to change all these aspects of a man or make him feel not good enough.

All advice welcome please and thank you so much if you've read my essay.

OP posts:
Symphony830 · 27/11/2023 19:51

There’s a lot that’s not good here. A LOT.

I will hone in on the exposed ass. Many years ago large men wore trousers with braces . That is the only way to prevent this happening. That alone would be a deal breaker for me. It’s simply gross and I’d consider it indecent exposure.

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 27/11/2023 19:57

Sounds as if he’s not for you. I think you overlook some negatives if you’re really into someone. These are issues because he isn’t right for you. End it before he gets in too deep.

I dated a man with a good personality/looks/jobs but there were a couple of issues (in his case bad teeth/breath and erectile dysfunction) and after a while I just did not look forward to seeing him. I felt relief once I ended it.

lincolngirl1097 · 27/11/2023 20:01

I stopped reading at the arse crack - you can do better, move on. No need to go in to detail just say you're not compatible

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 20:01

Seeing exposed ass crack wouldn’t inspire me to see the whole thing.
Just let this one go

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 27/11/2023 20:03

Can you friend zone him?

Mmmmdanone · 27/11/2023 20:04

I would say there are too many things about him that bother you. And for good reason.

LBFseBrom · 27/11/2023 20:06

You may like him because he is a nice chap but there are too many negatives for the relationship to be serious.

Keep it light, don't always be available. Someone else will pop up who is more your type and may be a keeper. This one isn't.

Btw, at 36 you are certainly not old.

Original poster
elainey87 · 27/11/2023 20:08

Thanks ladies. I'm reading through all the replies here. I genuinely am surprised that the general consensus is a no and that the arse crack is the biggest issue for people. I had this down to I'll fitting clothes and was maybe thinking he could get him some well fitting trousers... it is embarrassing though I get that and more of a lack of self respect from him.

Anyway I'll keep reading the replies as they come in. I really really really do not want to hurt him but at the same time don't want to lead him on or give him the expectation this is definitely going to get serious as I know that is where he thinks it's going if nothing changes.

OP posts:
artemis9 · 27/11/2023 20:10

Absolutely no. He's not for you. No need to compromise and by this point you are doing if you continue it. It's not kind to continue it so best not to be worrying about hurt feelings by ending it.

PurpleChrayne · 27/11/2023 20:12

He sounds pretty vile, TBH. Not a great catch.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 27/11/2023 20:13

He's a grown man but still acts very childlike. And you aren't his mum.

The kindest thing to do is end it soon, before any further attachment develops from his side.

The work he needs to do on himself is up to him, not you.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 27/11/2023 20:13

So he’s not horrible, lots of people are not horrible, doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. You don’t owe this guy a relationship just because he’s not a twat, not unless not a twat is your only qualifying criteria. It’s been less than two months, and you haven’t signed a contract. Get a grip woman.

GarlicMaybeNot · 27/11/2023 20:15

I think you overlook some negatives if you’re really into someone. These are issues because he isn’t right for you.

Absolutely this. Yours sounds like the perfect case for "It's not you, it's me", @elainey87. He's a nice man, who doesn't deserve to be misled about the relationship. There's no mileage in telling him everything that's wrong with him (from your point of view), and it is a fact that you like him but, regrettably, aren't feeling it. So tell him that.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/11/2023 20:16

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 27/11/2023 20:13

So he’s not horrible, lots of people are not horrible, doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. You don’t owe this guy a relationship just because he’s not a twat, not unless not a twat is your only qualifying criteria. It’s been less than two months, and you haven’t signed a contract. Get a grip woman.

To the point. And correct.

Brexile · 27/11/2023 20:16

I think the small penis is worse than the butt crack. So many icks to choose from!

KinS24 · 27/11/2023 20:16

Nope. You’re trying too hard to rationalise reasons to carry on with this at the stage where it should be all positive.

butterycrispness · 27/11/2023 20:17

It's a clear no sadly. The quicker you are out of this the better

MaliciaKeys · 27/11/2023 20:18

He must know his arse hangs out the back of his trousers, so by not buying bigger clothes or wearing a shirt to cover his bum, he's showing you he doesn't care. His penis size is unfortunate but he's only 31, why the ED? Has he other health issues?

You sound kind and thoughtful, but to be honest, I don't think this man is a keeper.

He's doing everything right to make his life better, and he will meet someone who will be his everything, someone who can persuade him to dress better, lose a bit of weight and give him the happy ever after he wants.

Don't put yourself in the position of saving him. You can be friendly with him, but let him go.

Missingmyusername · 27/11/2023 20:20

Sorry, the butt crack 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It sounds like you enjoy his company like a friend, not a lover. You want to make it work because he’s “nice”. I’m sure he would be mortified to see what you’ve typed here. If it were a man posting about his lovely, fat, saggy breasted girlfriend. He’s not forcing you to date him, you are forcing yourself because he is nicer than past dates.

I’m not saying put up with it, but if YOU feel embarrassed by him that says it all. I think it’ll just get worse, he could get fatter, unable to get an erection at all, his mental health sounds like it’s improving, but I don’t think you should string him along if you aren’t happy/have doubts.

Sconehenge · 27/11/2023 20:21

This has to be a wind up/troll post 🤣🤣🤣🤣

friendsfiend · 27/11/2023 20:21

You don't like him enough and that's ok.
Some of it short term and surmountable if you want it to be but honestly, this isn't the guy for you.
It sounds to me that you feel you should like him but don't really. It's kinder to end it now.

bonzaitree · 27/11/2023 20:21

I don’t know how this is a question really… he really really doesn’t sound like a catch.

Whiskerson · 27/11/2023 20:21

Maybe I am old fashioned.... But do you not want and expect to fall in love? You talk as if this man has been assigned to you by the powers that be, and that you'll need to fill in a long form if you want to return him. You're reviewing his finances in quite some detail, but you're already turned off by the sight of him in a restaurant! It doesn't feel like this should have gone as far as it has gone (or at least, as far as it's gone in your head). He sounds like a nice guy and it's very sad about his suicide attempt, but I think you need to pause this one before you get too entangled in a very lukewarm relationship of convenience.

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/11/2023 20:22

Hi op
Sorry to sound so well horrible
But this is sounding more and more like a mercy shag
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to split
And unfair on him
You don't owe him anything, except to be honest with him and yourself

Shivermetimbersmearty · 27/11/2023 20:24

I had a similar dilemma with ex.

He was great guy in many ways, but took no interest in his appearance to the point where I was embarrassed to be out on a date with him ( turning up with muddy old running trainers and ill fitting jeans).

I wish I’d got rid of him- he was telling me who he was and what he was happy with ( try living with a slob like that!)

Society makes you feel that it’s wrong to judge on outward appearance. One example on mumsnet recently was a ‘D’H being ripped to shreds for not fancying his partner who had gone up 4 dress sizes since they met.

but attraction isn’t PC.

Also, the ED would be it for me.