Calls every day?

Fassbender2020 · 2023-11-27T16:38:49+00:00

I'm doing some work on myself and my own boundaries and just wanted to sense check myself Are multiple calls a day normal in a friendship and would you be OK with your dp or dh doing that with a female friend? Or if not multiple calls, talking to them every day in some way?

Toomanysquishmallows · 27/11/2023 16:40

hi , I honestly wouldn’t be happy with that at all .

category12 · 27/11/2023 16:44

No, I don't think it's normal really. Actual calls? 😯

I have ongoing conversations with friends via messenger, but there would be days we wouldn't add any replies and other days we'd chat a lot.

The only person I chat to every day is the boyfriend, and that's like good morning good night check ins plus messages during the day as we don't live together.

LucyvanderPelt · 27/11/2023 16:45

It depends on the context for me. Are they colleagues and have to be in contact to discuss work? If not then I think the amount of contact you describe is excessive.

Cleopatra234 · 27/11/2023 16:51

I'd not be happy with this and don't think it's normal as such, but context needs to be applied. How open and honest is the oh about this friend and the nature of the friendship etc?
I found my oh had a female friend who he spoke with and messaged often that he'd kept from me recently and it didn't sit right with me, not because he had a female friend but because he's kept it from me and lied about parts of it. That was pretty hurtful, and if he'd have just been honest about this friend from the start it wouldn't have been such an issue for me.

Channellingsophistication · 27/11/2023 17:00

No not normal in my experience… i wouldnt call anybody multiple times a day (unless my boss for work) why would you need to?

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 27/11/2023 17:12

LucyvanderPelt · 27/11/2023 16:45

It depends on the context for me. Are they colleagues and have to be in contact to discuss work? If not then I think the amount of contact you describe is excessive.

No just friends

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category12 · 27/11/2023 17:12

LucyvanderPelt · 27/11/2023 16:45

It depends on the context for me. Are they colleagues and have to be in contact to discuss work? If not then I think the amount of contact you describe is excessive.

Yeah, I guess if they work together or perhaps run a club or activity together, it would be more explicable.

If it's just shooting the shit, it's a lot.

GoldDuster · 27/11/2023 17:14

I think the gender of the person wouldn't be important for me, if they made or received multiple phonecalls every day to anyone that wasn't a work related thing, I'd be thinking it was excessive. It sounds a bit intense and teenage.

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 27/11/2023 17:17

Cleopatra234 · 27/11/2023 16:51

I'd not be happy with this and don't think it's normal as such, but context needs to be applied. How open and honest is the oh about this friend and the nature of the friendship etc?
I found my oh had a female friend who he spoke with and messaged often that he'd kept from me recently and it didn't sit right with me, not because he had a female friend but because he's kept it from me and lied about parts of it. That was pretty hurtful, and if he'd have just been honest about this friend from the start it wouldn't have been such an issue for me.

What happened with your situation?

With my now ex I only found out he spoke to her so much thanks to a dash cam that starts recording when you get in and I synced it up to my phone and heard him calling her when he'd get in the car to drive, like to the shops or somewhere or just drive and speak. Nothing sexual but to be that's relationship stuff, the frequency if nothing else. I knewthey were friends but it's the 10 minute call here, 30 minutes call there, actual phone conversations as well as texts and if no calls, there would be a text or too most days. Sometimes up to 60 a day. That doesn't seem what you'd do with a platonic friend

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MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/11/2023 17:18

I mean, I message my best friends daily and I frequently message other friends (and them me) several times a week (they're male). But constant phone calls feels a bit more, personal. And I'm not someone who can't believe males and females can have 100% platonic relationships..

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 27/11/2023 17:50

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/11/2023 17:18

I mean, I message my best friends daily and I frequently message other friends (and them me) several times a week (they're male). But constant phone calls feels a bit more, personal. And I'm not someone who can't believe males and females can have 100% platonic relationships..

Neither am I, I just wouldn't ever feel the drive to call my make friends every day or my female ones

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Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 27/11/2023 17:50

Male not make

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Cleopatra234 · 27/11/2023 19:42

Just found out accidently (he gave me his phone to do something on). Was shocked that there was a woman's name on there I knew nothing about and they had been calling very frequently (several times a week) as well as messaging a lot too. I assumed there was more to it then there was due to the secrecy, but my oh was then very open, let me look at all the messages(which were all mainly pretty boring and normal stuff). He never got angry or defensive, he was really upset that he'd upset me. He could never really explain why he never told me about her. I was and still am quite hurt by it all to be fair. We still don't agree on it, as my opinion is even though it was nothing physical or sexual, it still crosses a line for multiple reasons (secrecy, the amount of contact etc). His opinion is it was never more then friends, there was nothing in it bla bla bla.

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 27/11/2023 20:19

I'm glad that was all it was for you I wusg I could say the same

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qqq82 · 27/11/2023 20:42

I'm having this issue at the moment
I've only been with him 6 months
Never met his female 'best friend ' but she must text him 100 times a day and I know there are phone calls too and he has to go see her every week. I honestly dont know what they have left to talk about .

I'm not ok with it
It seems absolutely obsessive and we've argued over it twice when he's 'forgotten ' he had plans with me and then gone off to see her .

qqq82 · 27/11/2023 20:45

I also ask myself how I would feel if it was a male friend and in all honestly I think I would have ended it a while ago . I would think he was in the closet and find it even more uncomfortable.
I don't have any friendships like this male of female . It would absolutely do my head in the amount of contact from one person .

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 28/11/2023 07:23

Thank you for replying, I just read them again now and I feel better,

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qqq82 · 28/11/2023 07:29

Is she the reason you broke up op ?

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 28/11/2023 08:38

He says no but he lives with her now

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qqq82 · 28/11/2023 09:51

@Fassbender2020 hmmmmmm
Yes. How convenient.
My dp has been 'best friends' with this clingy woman for 20 years apparently. I really don't think there is anything going on as such but I think it's a really unhealthy situation and he knows I'm unhappy with it .

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 30/11/2023 17:43

I don't know if I'm just ranting to myself now but it helps to write it down here and have an outlet. I've been going through his things that are still here to give back and I saw his old laptop and curiousity got the better of me so I switched it on and saw his cloud had synced some messages. He still insists that nothing happened before he left and they were just friends but I saw a message from her saying something like she can't believe he got hard from hugging her. I felt sick. Even if nothing else did happened, a man doesn't get hard from a woman he doesn't fancy or doesn't want?!

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category12 · 30/11/2023 19:06

Fassbender2020 · 30/11/2023 17:43

I don't know if I'm just ranting to myself now but it helps to write it down here and have an outlet. I've been going through his things that are still here to give back and I saw his old laptop and curiousity got the better of me so I switched it on and saw his cloud had synced some messages. He still insists that nothing happened before he left and they were just friends but I saw a message from her saying something like she can't believe he got hard from hugging her. I felt sick. Even if nothing else did happened, a man doesn't get hard from a woman he doesn't fancy or doesn't want?!

No, you were right. That was them being open about being sexually interested in each other and very likely cheating.

solice84 · 30/11/2023 19:16

What's the actual back story op?
Of why you split up ? In a nutshell

Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 30/11/2023 21:26

I don't think there is a nutshell but I suppose he stayed with me as he didn't want to leave the children and had a female friend he insisted was a friend and now he lives with her

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Original poster

Fassbender2020 · 30/11/2023 21:27

category12 · 30/11/2023 19:06

No, you were right. That was them being open about being sexually interested in each other and very likely cheating.

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I couldn't believe what I was reading. Even if you then didn't have sex, him reacting like that to touching her isn't what you would do to a friend

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