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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be mad at this?

48 replies

ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:07

The other night I was sat on the couch with DP and his mum called him. They spoke about a few things and then she said that his ex girlfriends dad was having a birthday party at the weekend and it would be good if he could go.

After he hung up I said it's weird that his mum would ask him to go to his ex girlfriends dad's party when he is nothing to do with that family anymore. His mum has remained friends with his ex, which is fine, that's her business and she can be friends with who she wants. But still trying to get my DP to go to his ex's family events is strange to me and I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with him going. He doesn't know her dad anymore, they don't speak. There's no need for him to go. Anyway DP agreed.

On Saturday I was very ill and spent the whole day on the couch with a blanket watching movies. DP went out to help his friend move into his flat and when he came home he said "I just went for a drink with Pete and completely forgot it was Michelle's dad's birthday party in there! I didn't want to walk straight back out but I felt guilty for being there when you didn't know so I left after one drink" I just said ok and left it at that.

Now, I have never ever snooped on his phone, I've had no reason to. Even if I did have reason to, I still think it's wrong so I feel quite guilty and in the wrong for this next part. His iPad pings with new texts all the time while he is at work but I just ignore it usually. But today I happened to have his iPad out and was using it (we share it because I don't have one and he says I can use his any time) when a text came through from his ex girlfriend. So I opened the text. I know I shouldn't have done, I already know I am in the wrong for that. But I just couldn't help myself. I saw the preview of the message which said "why did you leave so early yesterday?" And I couldn't help opening it. The few text messages above that were my DP asking what time her dad's party was on that day and saying he will be there.

I feel hurt that he lied. If he really really wanted to go to the party for some reason then he could've just explained to me. But it's the fact that he knew I didn't want him to go, went anyway, and then came home and pretended that he forgot about it, when all along he hadn't forgotten, he texted his ex a few hours before asking her for the time.

Now it's not the worlds greatest betrayal. I have also betrayed him in a way for reading the text and I feel ashamed at myself for it. But also I do feel like why was the party so much more important than my feelings? Why did he feel like he simply couldn't miss it and it was worth going behind my back to go? I have spoken to my sister about this and she thinks I should bring it up to him tonight, but I feel guilty that I read the message. Is him going to that party such a big deal? Would anyone else be hurt by this?

OP posts:
RetinolStings · 27/11/2023 16:14

I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with him going. He doesn't know her dad anymore, they don't speak. There's no need for him to go. Anyway DP agreed.

He agreed because you’d obviously said so much about how he shouldn’t go. He wanted to go so lied.
Him lying is wrong, but he obviously felt that was easier than trying to persuade you it was okay for him to go. Snooping on his messages is wrong too.

Why did you have an issue with him going to this blokes birthday drinks? I’d be mad at that in his shoes tbh.

5128gap · 27/11/2023 16:16

I'd be more worried than mad OP. Because I'd recognise that I'd a pretty unhealthy dynamic in my relationship. Relationships where one person chooses to lie in order to do something the other doesn't want them to are always a mess. Because it either means one party is controlling and the other too scared to stand up to them, or one party is determined to do what they like while deceiving the other. Either way it's really unhealthy and needs an honest review.

Loubelou14 · 27/11/2023 16:19

I'd be upset he lied too. I can understand there was no reason for him to go but if he thought he should pop in for a pint he should have been honest with you. I agree you snooped but he should have been honest from the outset.

Hoosemover · 27/11/2023 16:20

Obviously you’re competing with another woman…..either his ex-girlfriend his mother or both.

How is your relationship with his mother?

Honeyroar · 27/11/2023 16:21

I get on well with my ex’s mum. I’m not bothered about staying in touch with my ex. I’d be upset if my husband had tried to stop the friendship (he wouldn’t). My husband gets on well with his ex wife’s dad too. So no I wouldn’t be upset. Yes he lied, but it was because he didn’t want to upset you, not because he was going to meet his ex. Best case scenes would have been if you went too.

Original poster
ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:22

@RetinolStings he never actually told me that he wanted to go. He hung up the phone and his mum had been on loudspeaker and I was there. We have been together for 6 years and in that 6 years as far as I know he isn't in contact with his ex girlfriends parents. So I just said "that's weird that your mum asked you to go there" and he said "I know, I thought that too" so I just mentioned I wouldn't feel too comfortable with him going, because it's his ex. However if he would've just explained to me that he really wanted to go and might be nice to see them etc I'd have probably said ok if it was something important to him. I don't really know many people in my life who still go to their ex's family events. I've never heard of it before so just seemed strange to me. However, I had no idea that it was something that he REALLY wanted to go to for whatever reason, so I'd have liked to think that he could bring this up to me if he wanted to go and we couldve had a conversation about it.

But yes of course you are right, I shouldn't have looked at the text. It's the first time in 6 years I've ever done that and I feel awful. I shouldn't have done it and will not do it again

OP posts:
Original poster
ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:25

@Honeyroar me and his mum do not have a good relationship. We just tolerate each other at this point. When I first got with DP she said to me "it's a shame really, because his ex is newly single so it would've been nice for them to reconnect if he hadn't got with you"
She actually said that to me in the toilets of DPs birthday party. And it's never gotten any better

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 27/11/2023 16:26

Honeyroar · 27/11/2023 16:21

I get on well with my ex’s mum. I’m not bothered about staying in touch with my ex. I’d be upset if my husband had tried to stop the friendship (he wouldn’t). My husband gets on well with his ex wife’s dad too. So no I wouldn’t be upset. Yes he lied, but it was because he didn’t want to upset you, not because he was going to meet his ex. Best case scenes would have been if you went too.

Seriously? Why are you minimising and making excuses for lying? I mean where do we draw the line?
He went to the party and lied about it. If he was too weak to say he was going in the first place then he isn't to be trusted at all.
How can you rely on someone who can't just be honest ?

He's out of order and it looks like he's still tangled up with his ex.
He's a liar either way

Original poster
ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:30

@Honeyroar but you have a good relationship with them. He doesn't have ANY relationship with his ex's dad so it's different. I've never tried to stop any friendship because there isn't a friendship to stop. They don't speak. Haven't seen each other in 7 years. He isn't part of his ex's families life. So that's why I said it would be weird and he agreed.
Why would he need to lie to me about a party for a guy who he hasn't seen in 7 years, that's why I'm hurt because it seems like this random party was more important?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 27/11/2023 16:35

Are you sure he’s not in contact with ex or ex’s family? It seems strange if he’s been with you for 6 years and no contact with them to randomly go out of his way to go to ex’s dad’s party. He is very wrong for lying about going, he should have been upfront about wanting to go then which ever way that turned out at least you both could discuss it. Yeh it’s wrong to read your partners message whilst you had the iPad so you’ve both betrayed each other. If you bring it up he sounds the type to make a big deal out of you reading his message to deflect from his betrayal

RedDoughnut · 27/11/2023 16:36

I'd be bloody furious!

Original poster
ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:43

@Coconutter24 well it's possible that he does and just never told me. I never question anything he says because I don't have a reason not to trust him. But it seems that he is still in contact with his ex because there was a text message chain there. But I didn't read them because I already felt bad for opening the text. I just read the last few which were him asking what time it was at. I didn't look at anything else

OP posts:
Cleopatra234 · 27/11/2023 16:44

Yeah I would personally be annoyed and a bit upset too op. It's not really fair that you were blatantly lied to like that and he was texting his ex behind your back.
Yes it was wrong of you to snoop, but in this case obviously you found out he lied so your gut was right.
I've had it where I've snooped because of a gut feeling and found out I was lied to and it's not nice.
Don't really have any advice but yes it must not feel very nice for you x

itsmyp4rty · 27/11/2023 16:45

His mother obviously wants him back with the ex and is doing all she can to facilitate that. What a horrible situation for you to be in the middle of.

I'd just tell him straight that a message came through from his ex, you didn't like the idea that she was messaging him and wanted to know what it said and now know he lied about the party. I wouldn't feel bad or guilty for checking his messages in that situation - and you were right too as it's now clear he's a liar. You wouldn't have known that if you hadn't looked.

Let's face it OP, the party wasn't about seeing the ex's dad - it was about seeing the ex, well as far as he and his mum were concerned, Now you know he's a liar and you're in a messy situation.

Bookworm20 · 27/11/2023 16:46

Hmmm, so he is the sort to do exactly as he wants, but will lie to 'save you getting upset'. Your feelings on it obviously do not trump him being able to do whatever he chooses.

And I bet when you confront him, he'll say he lied so as not to 'hurt your feelings' and it was no big deal. He sounds a bit like he is in the what you don't know won't hurt you camp.

Perhaps remind him that if he didn't want to hurt your feelings, maybe not do the thing you asked him not to do in the first bloody place. THAT is the easiest way to not hurt you FFS.
I'd be furious.
I'd also be thinking of what else he has lied about in order to spare my feelings and allow him to continue as he wishes.

Don't feel bad about reading the messages. I'd be reading a few more quite frankly, because he just came home from somewhere he said he wouldn't go and lied right to your face.
He has created mistrust. The fact you happened to find out about his lie by seeing the message is neither here nor there now.

Bookworm20 · 27/11/2023 16:51

But it seems that he is still in contact with his ex because there was a text message chain there. But I didn't read them because I already felt bad for opening the text.

Read the rest before you confront him about seeing the last one. Why is there a text chain if they have had nothing to do with each other for the last 6 years? It will at least put your mind at rest if its just inane chitchat, as he, after all, is the one who has got it spinning with a few questions. And it shouldn't be anything personal should it? They are no longer in each other lives apparently.

At the end of the day you can always look him in the face and lie, tell him you didn't read them. I mean, thats what he does, so.

Original poster
ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:52

He's on his way home from work and I feel nervous. I'll obviously have to say something because he will know there's something wrong anyway. But just knowing that it's probably going to end up an argument is giving me anxiety. I don't know if can be bothered with it

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 27/11/2023 16:55

itsmyp4rty · 27/11/2023 16:45

His mother obviously wants him back with the ex and is doing all she can to facilitate that. What a horrible situation for you to be in the middle of.

I'd just tell him straight that a message came through from his ex, you didn't like the idea that she was messaging him and wanted to know what it said and now know he lied about the party. I wouldn't feel bad or guilty for checking his messages in that situation - and you were right too as it's now clear he's a liar. You wouldn't have known that if you hadn't looked.

Let's face it OP, the party wasn't about seeing the ex's dad - it was about seeing the ex, well as far as he and his mum were concerned, Now you know he's a liar and you're in a messy situation.

This 100%

5128gap · 27/11/2023 17:03

I think you'll have a fight on your hands with this one OP. His mother doesn't like you and wants him back with his ex. His ex seems pretty friendly. At worst he's not adverse to the idea himself. At best he's a wet lettuce who follows the instruction of whoever's standing in front of him at the time, then lies to get out of the inevitable bother it causes. Is he worth it?

Coconutter24 · 27/11/2023 17:28

ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:43

@Coconutter24 well it's possible that he does and just never told me. I never question anything he says because I don't have a reason not to trust him. But it seems that he is still in contact with his ex because there was a text message chain there. But I didn't read them because I already felt bad for opening the text. I just read the last few which were him asking what time it was at. I didn't look at anything else

I don’t think I could have resisted to not read the rest to just check it’s innocent conversation 🙈 The only way to find out if he’s in contact or why he lied about going to the party is to ask him. Just remember if he does have ago about you reading the messages his lying doesn’t get swept under the carpet

Honeyroar · 27/11/2023 18:22

ChotHocolate · 27/11/2023 16:25

@Honeyroar me and his mum do not have a good relationship. We just tolerate each other at this point. When I first got with DP she said to me "it's a shame really, because his ex is newly single so it would've been nice for them to reconnect if he hadn't got with you"
She actually said that to me in the toilets of DPs birthday party. And it's never gotten any better

Ah well that’s different if she’s not nice to you and it was possibly done to be goady. And also if you’ve been together so long and he’s never been. It changes things imo.

MsDogLady · 27/11/2023 18:56

@ChotHocolate, don’t feel guilty for reading the message. (I would have read the whole thread.) Your instincts were niggling because of the recent oddness over that party: his mum prompting him to attend; his ‘accidentally’ finding himself at the party; and his Ex suddenly texting him. It’s good that you looked, as his story was a pile of bullshit, and he’d actually contacted the Ex to get the party details. Not only is she messaging to find out why he left early, but it looks like they’ve been in secret contact for a while.

He’s a devious, untrustworthy guy, @ChotHocolate.

Catoo · 27/11/2023 19:05

Odd one this OP.

I don’t believe you necessarily need to lead with confessing about the text.
I would probably pick a relaxed time to say something like, ‘It’s obvious you remembered about the party the other day, and I just wondered why you didn’t want to tell me. ‘ I would do it in a matter of fact calm way and just patiently wait for him to tell the truth.

My guess the two families are still closer than you think. But he’s with you and he left early without telling the ex so my guess is also that he’s not too bothered about seeing her.

💐

RunningFromInsanity · 27/11/2023 19:09

What gets me is that he specifically said ’I felt guilty for being there when you didn't know so I left after one drink’ so he even used the sneaky situation to gain extra brownie points with you!

wildwestpioneer · 27/11/2023 19:58

I'd not feel bad for reading the texts, tbh I'd have read all of them.

In my eyes he's lied to you, so he can go to a party he knows you're uncomfortable with him being at. Plus he's lying, by default as he's speaking to his ex and not telling you.

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