Would you be mad at this?

[ChotHocolate]

The other night I was sat on the couch with DP and his mum called him. They spoke about a few things and then she said that his ex girlfriends dad was having a birthday party at the weekend and it would be good if he could go.

After he hung up I said it's weird that his mum would ask him to go to his ex girlfriends dad's party when he is nothing to do with that family anymore. His mum has remained friends with his ex, which is fine, that's her business and she can be friends with who she wants. But still trying to get my DP to go to his ex's family events is strange to me and I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with him going. He doesn't know her dad anymore, they don't speak. There's no need for him to go. Anyway DP agreed.

On Saturday I was very ill and spent the whole day on the couch with a blanket watching movies. DP went out to help his friend move into his flat and when he came home he said "I just went for a drink with Pete and completely forgot it was Michelle's dad's birthday party in there! I didn't want to walk straight back out but I felt guilty for being there when you didn't know so I left after one drink" I just said ok and left it at that.

Now, I have never ever snooped on his phone, I've had no reason to. Even if I did have reason to, I still think it's wrong so I feel quite guilty and in the wrong for this next part. His iPad pings with new texts all the time while he is at work but I just ignore it usually. But today I happened to have his iPad out and was using it (we share it because I don't have one and he says I can use his any time) when a text came through from his ex girlfriend. So I opened the text. I know I shouldn't have done, I already know I am in the wrong for that. But I just couldn't help myself. I saw the preview of the message which said "why did you leave so early yesterday?" And I couldn't help opening it. The few text messages above that were my DP asking what time her dad's party was on that day and saying he will be there.

I feel hurt that he lied. If he really really wanted to go to the party for some reason then he could've just explained to me. But it's the fact that he knew I didn't want him to go, went anyway, and then came home and pretended that he forgot about it, when all along he hadn't forgotten, he texted his ex a few hours before asking her for the time.

Now it's not the worlds greatest betrayal. I have also betrayed him in a way for reading the text and I feel ashamed at myself for it. But also I do feel like why was the party so much more important than my feelings? Why did he feel like he simply couldn't miss it and it was worth going behind my back to go? I have spoken to my sister about this and she thinks I should bring it up to him tonight, but I feel guilty that I read the message. Is him going to that party such a big deal? Would anyone else be hurt by this?

I wouldn't be happy about this, he's gone out of his way to lie to you about something he knew you'd feel uncomfortable with. Why is he prioritising his ex/ex's family over your feelings when he has zero relationship with them!

I'd have read the lot! You need the full story and your spidey sense is telling you there is more to it. Trust yourself! 😘

Do you have children together? Does he have children with his ex?

I can actually understand why he didn't feel like he could say it would be nice to pop along without you getting upset or paranoid about it.

What a horrible family .

Are you sure you want to be entwined with people who are liars and antagonists.

Nasty people, get away from them.

Agree. He does sound like a wet lettuce, though.

I agree that you now know he is an absolute liar.
As for reading his texts, I wouldn't be apologising.
His mother isn't nice and her son is a sneaky dishonest liar.

Not nice people.
You have my sympathy because you deserve much better.
I would be thinking long and hard about wasting further years with such a liar.

I certainly wouldn't trust him.

@OhComeOnFFS no we don't have any children and he doesn't have any with her.

I spoke to him last night. I asked to see the rest of the texts and he showed me. They were innocent, they were from a couple of months ago and she asked him if he would be able to do a job for her friend (he's a joiner). She sent some pictures of what needed doing and he replied saying yeah that's fine and then she passed on her friends number. Then there weren't any more messages until the ones about the party.

He also said that he does still see her dad because he sees him in the pub every week when he goes for a drink on Fridays. I didn't know this, I just thought he hadn't seen him for years. So that's why he just popped in for 1 and then quickly left. That's why she text him asking why he left so early. It wasn't an argument or anything actually he just apologised

Then why the lying? Why lie that he just happened to go there with Pete and had totally forgotten that the party was being held there … when he had actually called the Ex beforehand to inquire about the plans?

@ChotHocolate, proceed at your own peril. He feels entitled to lie to you, to deceive you. He’s not a good guy.

Why would he need to lie to me about a party for a guy who he hasn't seen in 7 years? Because you made it sound like he needed your permission. He didn’t and there didn’t need to be a ‘conversation’ to justify to the going to the party either. I

He shouldn’t have lied but given the ease with which he did, makes me think Mr path of least resistance has already done so before.

You have control issues and he lies so that he doesn’t have to defend himself, not a healthy dynamic in relationship.

After his mum called about the party, why didn’t he just tell you that he sees his Ex’s dad in the pub on Fridays? That’s not threatening in the least, yet he didn’t correct your supposition that he hadn’t seen him in years. That was lying by omission and completely uncalled for.

I think you still have something to sort out.

My first thought when reading your opening post was that you immediately told him you wouldn't be comfortable with him going. It would have been more appropriate to ask him how he felt about his mum's suggestion. He may then have said 'well I do see him every week in the pub, so I might pop in for an hour'. Entirely reasonable.

It sounds as though there is a very unhealthy dynamic (in this situation if not in your wider relationship) of you telling him he can't do something, and him lying to you for an easy life.

He was wrong to lie. Very wrong. He needs to explain why he lies, and give you his assurance that he realises how wrong it was.

But I also think it's worth asking yourself if you jumped to telling him what to do - when you didn't have all the facts. If you trust him you wouldn't mind him going to the party. If you'd just asked him about it you'd have realised he still sees the man every week. You might have even ended up going together.

Aside from all of the above, it sounds like his mum has ideas about them getting back together, but that he and she don't share her view.

He's been lying by ommision for years, others say it's because you are controlling, but I've a feeling he wouldn't be too happy if you were to do the same to him.

If your parents were still in touch weekly with your ex boyfriend, how would he feel, if your mother phoned you up to go to your ex boyfriends birthday party, how would he feel.

One rule for him.

I would honestly extract myself from this clique, where you seem to be the outsider.

I hate lies.

So you didn't ask him why he lied to you about not knowing the party was in that pub he went to?

Seeing how controlling and out of line his mum is, I would not be surprised if he had grown up learning that agreeing out loud and then doing his own thing and concealing it was the best way to keep peace.

he needs to UN-learn this. He needs to learn that healthy communication is important, for the sake of your partnership.

You have sorted little.

He's very comfortable lying and his mother is far too involved.

You are wasting time and pushing this down the road.

Liars lie, that is what they do.

He is not honest and that goes to the core of a person.

Likely learned from his unhealthy dynamic with his over involved mother.

Ignoring an elephant this size is only wasting your time.

What am I supposed to do lol.... End a 6 year relationship because he lied to me once about going to a party? We have discussed it, I just haven't put every single detail on here of what he said. But it has been discussed and I will hope he doesn't do it again. If I find out that he does then yeah I agree I would have to seriously consider whether I want to be with him as it would then be a regular occurrence. But as far as I know, he's never done this before, I can't just assume he has and break up with him for it.

It doesn't really an appropriate response to end an otherwise happy, long term relationship, sell the house and leave everything behind because he lied about going to a party once. It was wrong and hurtful of him to lie, but do you all dump your partners and husband's as soon as they do one thing wrong??

No we don't OP. But, depending on the wrong thing, some of us wish we had. Because it doesn't become one wrong thing, just the first wrong thing, that sometimes, with hindsight we see as the first step in a long and miserable journey filled with new chances and further disappointment. Sometimes the one wrong thing is the first reveal of a character trait that will go on to cause us long term unhappiness, because we realise he's a liar. Or a cheat. Or weak. Or has a problem with alcohol.
Obviously this one wrong thing for you could be a one and only, or just one of a serise a minor things you can live with, and I really hope for you that it is. The zero tolerance people are often those who weren't so lucky, and want to spare you, is all. But I do agree with you, it's normal to give a second chance over something like this.

I understand where you are coming from. he is sorry and its just one thing because he didn't want you to know that he wanted to go.

However, Maybe being old and crabby I'm alot more cynical.
Amazing how the very first and only time he lied, you happened to stumble across it.

And of course he is sorry. he is sorry he lied because you found out. He isn't sorry he went to the party. He isn't sorry he didn't tell you. He is sorry you now know about it and its upset things.

He actually went out of his way to find out the details and turn up there. And not only that he actually told you he had been and how guilty he felt at 'having forgot' the party was going on. To your face. Not only did he go but he felt comfortable enough to then make up a second lie and say it to your face.

Most people, in fact all people, who are fundamentally honest, would not have been able to do that.

Learning from bitter experience. The first time a liar is found out. Isn't the first time they have lied.

I've had an ex who could lie to my face. So convincingly that I absolutely accepted the apology and his look of devastation as genuine, and the whole act each and every time. Because they were such trivial things. No reason to lie! So I couldn't understand it and thought he must of made a genuine mistake. Until, the lies unfolded that covered much bigger issues than simply whether he'd spent a tenner or 50 at the pub, or had forgotten to drop off the dry cleaning.
Lies that ultimately devastated me.
So just be careful. He has done it before. No one lies so casually to your face, in fact goes out of their way to lie to your face, unless they are comfortable doing it.
I really hope it was just a one off. But if anything else surfaces, don't waste your life on a liar. Yes, you've had 6 years. I ended up having 18 with mine. I wish I'd of left after 6 years when those little 'innocent' ones started to crop up.

In my experience it is always a mistake to attempt to be the "cool" wife or girlfriend. If you have suspicions about loyalties you should always act on them. You will, at the very least, be respected by your partner. You need to be okay with your standards and also with the consequences. I would have been a lot clearer about my unhappiness. I would have asked him not to go. I would have tried to get off the sofa, even though ill and maybe done something nice for him in recognition of him acting according to what I wanted. The real problem here is not the ex, it's his mother, and his relationship with her and how that is going to test his loyalties. He's fundamentally weak and will never have your back. I have been in situations like this, tried to be "cool" and all it has done is lose respect and make me ill with misery. Oh and the relationships always end anyway!

Poor lamb, he can't say no to his mom, he also can't put boundaries in place with his ex and she feels free to act as an agent to find him work for her friends. Well that keeps the communication going doesn't it.

He lies to save your feelings, wrong !

He lies because it suits him, to keep in touch with his ex, it's an ego boost to still be needed. Will she have him do work for her over the years, probably.

Your MIL is being disrepectful to you, I bet she wouldn't like the same situation with her husband, but her connections and friendships obviously trump your displeasure.
He's not going to stop this attatchment, he will lie if another situation crops up, guaranteed.

I personally would have nothing to do with that woman (his mother) we all as parents navigate our children moving on to different partners and we know to stir the pot and promote ex relationships is unkind to present partners.

I think she's a stupid, selfish woman, tell her to get lost, she doesn't deserve a relationship with you, I know exactly what type of woman she is.

All of the above posters have given you really excellent advice yesterday.

30 years married and nearly 60, and I certainly am a believer in when someone shows you who they are, believe.

Of course people should be given a second chance, if appropriate.

This is your life and you should do whatever feels right for you.

However, I would strongly recommend you read and re read the above posts carefully.

Those that lie with such ease, with a toxic mother who actively dislikes you, are unlikely to be a good long term bet, that is all that people are trying to impress upon you.

In essence, mind yourself and be wary of looking the other way for a short term fix.

You deserve better than a liar with a mother who is actively trying to sabotage your relationship.

Wishing you well.