Do you ever really fully heal after discovery of affairs/secret lives?

[25wondering]

My ten year relationship came to an abrupt end 18 months ago after I found out he had had a secret life with another girl (who didn't know about me either) for 2 years. (I'm 29 and had been with him since 18)

We both had keys to his apartment, his family and friends knew about me - given the 10 years - his colleagues and work friends knew about her. I found gifts from her in his apartment and called him out. He said it was a short flirtation and she had come on to him and nothing sexual had happened. I got her number from his phone and rang her - she had no idea, she knew about me but thought I was an ex girlfriend.

She and I spoke a lot in the aftermath, heard all the sordid details of the fucked up things he'd done. Putting me In a hotel one night as a 'treat' then going to work for a few hours, but really going to change the sheets so she could stay in his flat, coming back to hotel with me. Then going back and tried to sleep with her in the morning, but shed found one of our photo albums and was furious and didn't know where he'd been all night.
We worked out the days he'd had sex with us both unprotected, when he'd hidden our things in the boot of his car so that the other one wouldn't see them in the apartment. Spent Christmas with my family and sneaking off to call her. Going on holiday with me and turning his phone off to her for days.

I would try and leave him multiple times, as I felt something had changed and would beg him to let me go, cry to him and say I knew something was wrong and he was lying. But he would say I was the love of his life and he could never let me go etc etc. Then when he would act strangely I would bring it up and he'd call me mental and say I was the issue - gaslighting etc etc.

But a few months later this girl, even though the whole of her relationship with him had been a lie and he'd been with me, took him back and they are together now.

I've had an incredibly shit 18 months of anxiety and eating disorders off the back of this and I am just wondering if you really ever come back from something like this? Will I heal and have a relationship again?

I've had therapy and taken time off work but I still feel like I've not moved passed it and I wonder if anyone else has any experience of moving on from something like this?

It is traumatic when you find out that someone has lied to you repeatedly especially when it's someone who is supposed to love you. If you are still being affected badly now though some 18 months on I'd try a different type of therapy to allow you to let go and move on.

You can move on.

Sadly, I think it's very difficult to trust again in the same way but I don't always think that's a bad thing. Sometimes complete trust in someone allows them to pull the wool over your eyes and can stop people from maintaining their independence in a relationship.

Having said that, my partner of 2 years was married for 20 years. They divorced about 12 years ago when he discovered her repeatedly infidelity (I've met many longstanding friends of his, previous mutual friends of theirs and his ex wife so I know this is true). He was completely loyal to her and had no idea.

Yet he trusts me completely. I asked him once how he could be so certain and he said he struggled for a long time after they divorced - describes having felt similarly to you do - but he realised not everyone was going to behave like his ex wife and that he would never have another relationship if he continued feeling that way. He had a relationship with someone else prior to me and she was also lovely and loyal and he realised he wasn't going to let his ex wife take future happiness away from him.

I agree with finding a different type of therapy/therapist.

His behaviour was a reflection of him and not you or your worth.

You can, but takes time, constance, determination and a lot of self steem.
Start working on it and one day after another.
Make your move wise and slow.
Don't feel in hole of the self pity, is a black hole that will destroy you.

Quite a lot of people go through things like that and the move on. You can do it.

He is an arse, for a start do not think about him in good terms. You deserve much better.

I think next time you need to look at the progression in a relationship also. You say after 10 years he still had his own flat and clearly you weren’t progressing to the point of living together. Not saying that if you’d lived together it wouldn’t have happened and I believe it’s never good to fully trust someone and be blindly thinking they wouldn’t ever do anything to you. But I feel like if you’d look back at that relationship there were probably a lot of signs that he never planned to commit to you or progress the relationship.

You absolutely can but it's hard!

My partner of 14 years died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 39!

I found out that he had been seeing someone else and they had a 6 month old baby!

It was all sorts of mixed up, one second I was crying & devastated that he had died - the next I was raging because he had cheated!

I honestly thought I would never get over it, I was single for about 10 years, never had children of my own (despite always wanting them) but I'm ok now!

I think the worst thing was having no closure, no opportunity to tell him what a bastard he was!

I think looking back, I should have had some more therapy, I wasted a lot of years on it all!

So my advice is to seek some help & try to make peace with it - don't let it shape you!

That's horrific! So pleased to hear you've managed to move on. How awful.

This is awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Yes you can repair. But only you can do it I. Whatever way works from you!

I was 4 months pregnant when my ex left me for OW and was so horribly cold. I let him mess with my head for too long after and it was a really tough couple of years.
I spent 5 years on my own and never thought I could trust again

I have been with BF for 2 years now and I can honestly say I trust him completely. Because I repaired and then allowed myself to trust

As PP said - don't let him define you x

I am so, so sorry this has happened. What a shock after so many years.

Your ex obviously enjoyed leading a double life, it was a thrill despite the risk of being found out.

No doubt he will do it again but that won't be your problem. You are well rid.

I can assure you not all men are like him, there are plenty who want a girl to love, cherish and be faithful to. You will meet someone like that eventually and the good thing is you are still young.

How harrowing. Give yourself more time, more therapy, it hasn't been that long since you found out in the scale of things. He was cheating on you longer than it's been since you broke up.

What type of therapy have you had? Talking therapy didn't cut it for me but CBT did. Focus on you. When you love yourself and don't need a relationship you will be ready to want one again. Give yourself time to grieve

I know it sounds like you think they are happy together but believe me - would or could you ever have been happy if he was with you - I could and would never trust someone like that ever again. He betrayed you and you thought you have a supporter but she has taken him back. This is not a fairytale for her.

Have therapy as much as you can afford and process, grieve, cry or go to plate smashing day and smash everything
get angry get sad and allow these emotions

you deserve more you deserve better and you will find it

So sorry this happened to you @Doublelifetrauma . But glad to hear you got through it!

I think seeing other people’s agreement with you too - more therapy! Whilst in no way comparable, I can empathise with lack of closure feeling.

I’ve never seen him again since I walked out the door and can’t speak to him at all as he’s with her and any interaction with me would make her uncomfortable so I’ve never had any form of closure and discussion or apology etc.

people say you don’t need the have the conversations for closure and you can accept and move forward yourself, so I guess I am trying to do that.

I’ve tried a few different ones, I currently have talk therapy but it’s also CBT combined and have had NLP in the past…. I’m interested in exploring EMDR?

@ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd that was in reply to your message about therapy x

Thanks @Rocksonabeach sometimes you need to remind yourself of that. That they’re not as picture perfect as they might seem, she will
be no doubt riddled with insecurity.

one thing I found in particular very hard was how different she was to me, everything I thought he’d loved about me she was the opposite and I think on some level it’s made me feel like it was all fake and that I was in a relationship with a narcissist (which I think there were elements of).

but I think the plate smashing sounds good, I still haven’t really had any anger around it all. My emotions have all been very under the surface and unidentifiable- so maybe giving it an outlet would be a good thing!

@25wondering EMDR worked for me. I had a good therapist and talked it through endlessly but EMDR gave me closure. I cant tell you why it worked but it did.
all the best to you. It’s such a traumatic thing to go through.

@category12 thank you. I think that’s true, and I a lot of people expect you to be fine very quickly. I dated someone about 8 months after the breakup , who was great, but I knew I felt emotionally avoidant and couldn’t give anything so I ended it.

and I think people can jump into something new to feel fixed, but I’m really trying to heal before I do as I wouldn’t want to damage someone else though my own issues.

but being alone I sometimes also feel like you can dwell on the negative and the passed so it’s catch 22….

but thanks for the reassurance on the timeline.

Sometimes these things reveal a deeper truth. I had been so hurt I realised that I was using my partner to prop up myself esteem. What happened actually revealed some difficult stuff about myself that I had to deal with.

Healing from the shitty thing that happened was only one part of it, and I needed to deal with the root cause of low self esteem and come up with a new narrative. Only then did I feel like I had moved on.

@Firstthreewords Thank you! That's really amazing to hear it worked so well for you. I think I am going to try that next, hopefully once on private health insurance again.

I feel like I know the root of so many issues I have and have talked about so much and understand it but the shift just isn't happening and I am hopeful something like EMDR might help with that

I had EMDR for DV and CSA and it really was the only thing that really helped (that and walking up mountains and giving up alcohol). I'd tried psychotherapy, anti depressants, anti psychotics, CBD, CBT and bog standard counselling as well of a whole range of self medicating shit shows ( at my former self).

Weird that EMDR and Wainwrights worked but that's the truth. Hope you get sorted OP. These things change you as a person and I think processing that, and letting it go is meant to be hard tbh. Really getting to know yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly is a tough, strange journey but it is an upside - might not seem like it now but I'd not swap my life lessons for anything

'I feel like I know the root of so many issues I have and have talked about so much and understand it but the shift just isn't happening'

I really identify with this @25wondering I understood my reactions on a cognitive level, I understood the damage done, I understood how to change my response, I got that not changing my responses was unhealthy. But could I change the pattern in my thinking and make that emotional leap to feeling okay again? Nope, not for years. It's so, so frustrating and hard but you will get there. I can tell. You have a thinking brain and thinking brains can and do change thought and emotion patterns. You can do this.

I got into my current relationship not long after finding out about my ex's other life but it probably took me 5 years before I was really able to trust again. We've been together 10 years now and I do trust him but there are still things that "trigger" me. I found out about my ex through messages on his phone and if I see a female name pop up on my partner's phone that I don't recognise it instinctively makes my blood run cold. I've had times where I've had to say "I know this is ridiculous but can you just tell me who <name> is". It inevitably ends up being a window cleaner or someone's daughter wanting career advice or something and I feel stupid. I don't know if I'll ever get over it sadly but I've not tried therapy so maybe that would help.

@Weddingpuzzle That's so interesting to hear and also sounds very similar! Have recently returned from a career break in Tuscany where being outdoors and walking etc was really helpful for processing as well as being physically and mentally removed from previous situations and thoughts.

I have done international treks in the past and always had the best experience and met really amazing people so that's something to look for maybe. So thank you.

And I think EMDR sounds definitely worth a try. I find myself being very cognitively aware of things but still struggle to change behaviours - and I have put it down to very low self esteem and emotional instability. But I think sometimes you just need that re-wiring or whatever it is to get you over the next hurdle.

I'm also terrible for self isolating when in a negative place which exacerbates things so the walking again is a great way to try and mitigate that. Thank you

@butterbean59 Thanks for you message and I think there's some truth in that and I was aware of that and what was holding me back from our lives being fully enmeshed. He was in the army to begin with and I had a career in London so logistics were difficult and part of the reason we didn't fully live together. Having said that our lives were as intertwined as they can be really after a decade, we were both a part of each others families and seen as a complete unit and he was the love of my life and I thought I was his (or so he told me, even after the split).

I had my doubts because of previous indiscretions (caught texting another girl and texting his ex a long time ago) so I was always hesitant to give my career up and move to be with him. Which turned out to be valid, whether it was a self fufilling prophecy or not.

But I am accepting in my part of it, that whether intentional or not there may have been some avoidant behaviour and something that I hope not to carry forward into another relationship.