Do you ever really fully heal after discovery of affairs/secret lives?

[25wondering]

My ten year relationship came to an abrupt end 18 months ago after I found out he had had a secret life with another girl (who didn't know about me either) for 2 years. (I'm 29 and had been with him since 18)

We both had keys to his apartment, his family and friends knew about me - given the 10 years - his colleagues and work friends knew about her. I found gifts from her in his apartment and called him out. He said it was a short flirtation and she had come on to him and nothing sexual had happened. I got her number from his phone and rang her - she had no idea, she knew about me but thought I was an ex girlfriend.

She and I spoke a lot in the aftermath, heard all the sordid details of the fucked up things he'd done. Putting me In a hotel one night as a 'treat' then going to work for a few hours, but really going to change the sheets so she could stay in his flat, coming back to hotel with me. Then going back and tried to sleep with her in the morning, but shed found one of our photo albums and was furious and didn't know where he'd been all night.
We worked out the days he'd had sex with us both unprotected, when he'd hidden our things in the boot of his car so that the other one wouldn't see them in the apartment. Spent Christmas with my family and sneaking off to call her. Going on holiday with me and turning his phone off to her for days.

I would try and leave him multiple times, as I felt something had changed and would beg him to let me go, cry to him and say I knew something was wrong and he was lying. But he would say I was the love of his life and he could never let me go etc etc. Then when he would act strangely I would bring it up and he'd call me mental and say I was the issue - gaslighting etc etc.

But a few months later this girl, even though the whole of her relationship with him had been a lie and he'd been with me, took him back and they are together now.

I've had an incredibly shit 18 months of anxiety and eating disorders off the back of this and I am just wondering if you really ever come back from something like this? Will I heal and have a relationship again?

I've had therapy and taken time off work but I still feel like I've not moved passed it and I wonder if anyone else has any experience of moving on from something like this?

@PictureFrameWindow this is such a brave thing to say, so thank you. And I have also been on this road to discovery and I definitely resonate with the partner being some form of esteem prop.

I realised that his love/adoration was a huge part of what kept me afloat and why it's been so shattering to try and move forward without it. I have very little sense of self, or esteem or direction. And clinging to the relationship, in whatever capacity whether it be the narrative of the ending or the idealisation of the good parts, its a form or identity which I think in part is why I am struggling to move on as it is hard to form that new identity and build esteem from within.

I've always found it easier to love and care for someone else and prioritise them, but I think I need to focus that inward and make some big shifts in how I get esteem and change the things I don't like about myself so I can like myself.

Your last paragraph is descriptive of my life for the last few years so I can fully recommend it as a good thing to do.

I didn’t get ‘closure’ conversation as not possible to meet (for my safety) & most significantly ex refuses responsibility for their own actions so no point!

However ‘closure’ doesn’t need to come from them for me to recover, rebuild & move on, I choose to mentally close the door on them.

That allowed me to focus on myself and, while I am not the same as I was before meeting ex, I keep improving in many ways.

Spend that time/energy/love on yourself, because you know you can benefit from it.

Arseholes will rarely benefit from more time/energy/love.

They just stay arseholes.

@25wondering I had been married for 26 years. We had had ups and downs but he had always seemed to adore me - even when he was cross with me. One of the things I couldn’t get over was that he - secretly - had transferred his love, interest, protective feelings to someone else. I felt so exposed and frightened and unjustly treated. And I was angry. Despite all the talking therapy those feelings never really went away. I wanted to both punch him out and cling on to him! It was so hard to compute mentally. For some reason EMDR helped me deal with it and distance my feelings. I still think about it every day but now - 5 years on - I feel calm and in control most of the time (there will always be triggers I think).
also second the restorative actions of walking and giving up booze.
dont understimate how massive this is. You have had a huge turmoil. Do whatever you can for yourself to feel better xxx

@Firstthreewords im so sorry this happened to you. I don’t think anyone who does these things will understand the damage they’re causing through their actions it’s just so awful. So I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that.

this made me tear up, because I’ve felt so similar, I have been frightened and anxious and had panic attacks and I just couldn’t understand that that was the emotional reaction to this. And also felt like such a drama queen for falling so to pieces, I feel like people get cheated on all the time and don’t have the level of internal reaction that I have.

And wanting to cling to them too, when I’m still presented with emotionally difficult situations I still want him for reassurance and comfort and it’s so hard to feel alone in those moments. - so I can resonate with that.

been looking into EMDR since starting this thread so I’m hopeful that that next step can take me forward. Thank you more making me feel not totally crazy! Xxx

You are SO not crazy @25wondering the best of luck to you. It’s hell to be honest but you will clamber out the other side and be ok I can guarantee xx