Is my marriage over?

[Mothermason]

Me and my husband have been together 15 years and have one 7 year old.

Recently I have not been able to stop thinking about leaving, being single, living alone, dating. I am driving myself INSANE.

I do love him, I like our life and I do think I am happy. But if I was that happy why would I be having these thoughts?!

There is no one else but I find myself fantasising about dating too. But on paper he is someone I would go for anyway!

Im really, really struggling. On one hand I like my life and am happy. But I can’t stop these thoughts and it’s driving me crazy.

I have started therapy and we also have couples therapy starting. ANY advice appreciated

thank you!!

It may be the monotony and relentlessness of family life getting to you. It’s obviously much more difficult to be carefree and spontaneous, but do you both make an effort to keep life varied and interesting, both as a family and as a couple?

I could have written this post. I don’t know what to do.

Painful isn’t it. What are you thinking? Feel free to message me

That is true. I do a lot by myself as we can’t together. And visa versa

Therapy is always a good idea, it can help you gain insight into yourself. Also, have you done anything exciting for yourself in awhile? Can you go on a trip somewhere, go on a girls only hiking excursion, go to a concert, something fun and youthful and just for you. It might help you see if you actually want to be single or if you're just bored. If you do want to be single there's nothing wrong with that. Honestly dating nowadays is no fun, I do not recommend. But if that's what you want, there's nothing wrong with it. But make sure that's really what you want.

I also could have written this post word for word. I wish I knew the answer.

Painful!!! Feel free to message me

I do quite a lot actually, I’m always out and about with the girls. I’d easily fill my time but wouldn’t be able to afford my same life style! I’m very social. Everyone says this about dating haha. I guess I never really tried. Was very young when I settled down.

I think it's normal to have doubts of and on during a long term marriage/relationship and idly wonder what the other side might look like....

But from someone who is unexpectedly single following a divorce from someone I'd been with nearly 20 years and 3 young children....the other side is utterly shit. There is really fuck all to look forward to daring as a single mother

There are some good points obviously - but I do think in an otherwise abuse free humdrum occasionally boring and staid marriage when you have children it comes with a certain amount of responsibility to work through the crap times.

Could you would you want to not see your child for 50% of the time? Split bdays and Xmas - all the special times, share parenting even with a step mother?? Someone told me 95% of all the time we will ever have with our children is over by the time they are 12 and 95% by the time they are 18. Would you want to give Up that precious time? For what? Because the thought of that to me is sobering and thought provoking enough that I would not have ended my marriage voluntarily

Do the therapy but it sounds as if it's just 'fear of missing out' as they say nowadays. Think about your core values and what you want from your life. Does your marriage contribute to that?

It's this. I think it's because you settled down young. Didn't get a chance to 'sow your wild oats'. Didn't experience the horror that is the poor quality of dating pool.

So you feel fear of missing out, or grass is greener.

If you met your DH and settled down as an older 30 something, with your 20s wild and free, I don't think you would have this issue at all.

But as someone experiencing the above, I can tell you, grass ain't greener. Good decent men are so hard to find. Treasure him.

I totally agree. It’s a horrible thought! I really appreciate your honest response. A lot!!!

Yes you are right. There is almost 10 year between us. Maybe we are just at ages where that 10 years has become quite noticeable. I really appreciate your replies. Thank you

Thing is, when you are dating it’s all fun, plenty of money, little responsibility, etc but the grass is always greener mentality rarely works out. The monotony of daily life is probably giving you this perspective of rose tinted spectacles. But then you would date, have the fun bit, and settle down the the same responsibilities as before, but with someone new. We can’t have the exciting dating bit forever, Try and find a way to spice up your marriage instead

Always find it so sad people that get married and can't be bothered to work at it and slowly the love fades. If you don't work at something don't expect to keep feeling happy about it. I've been surrounded all my life by a huge family and marriages that have lasted and grew up seeing how it takes work and effort. Luckily I waited and found that in my hubby. I can't imagine not doing things together, taking time to chat every single day usually after the kids have gone to bed, going out, doing random acts of showing love etc. I love him more now and 4 kids on than I could imagine because we work at it. Yes I have my friends he has his but our relationship always comes first and us doing things. How can you deepen love and care if you barely do anything together. Hope you get your head sorted, bes thing is to sit down and have a frank discussion as in a good relationship you can literally talk about anything

Plus there’s the heartache you would cause for the wider family esp your dc, an abuse free allbeit a bit dull marriage but happy family household is surely something to hang on to, not throw away for a bit of dating??

Individual therapy and marriage counselling are good ideas since you seem to still like him 😉 but your statement needs to be narrowed down slightly.

Recently I have not been able to stop thinking about leaving, being single, living alone, dating.

Is the wish to be single due to wanting to see what it's like with other men, the kiss, the romance, the emotional connection whispers or more exciting sex?

Or is it because he leaves his stuff everywhere or there's too much and you just want a clean and tidy house? Or does he get to decide on the colour schemes or which washer is being bought and you want some say in the matter?

Or is it because he doesn't "help" enough with housework, admin, childcare or spend time as a family unit?

All are valid reasons but it might help you decide where to focus your discussions and whether it is likely to change, ie he is a hoarder so will always have too much stuff.

I think the former. The excitement of dating and someone new. Wouldn’t want anything to do with them on a serious level. We don’t have much sex at all. If ever really. He isn’t great around the house but not terrible. My expectations are pretty low haha

That’s true. Curious what you do to work at it? Any tips : )

That's good you have narrowed it down. If the sex frequency was more often, or different, do you think you would be happier generally?

If yes, would sex toys help or different positions etc? Does he need viagra or to see a GP? Does he consider your sex life to be adequate and so doesn't need changing? I'm just throwing this out for you to think about. No need to answer here.

EDIT - how could I forget about date nights. Would a grandparent have your child overnight so you two could have a proper romantic night together?

I have FOMO over literally everything. It’s a terrible personality trait!! And yes it definitely contributes to my life values, for sure

thank you xx

It sounds a bit like you are missing a deeper emotional connection in your life....could that be the case? If you feel deeply something is missing have a read of this (by a great relationship therapist, helped me a lot understand and my relationships with others). He calls it "The Biological Dream".

BTW the lack of sex is a red flag for sure.

I think I am at a similar position. It’s probably mid-life crisis. I think öack of sex does play a huge role though. You have missed this lusted after feeling, which - no matter how hard you work on a marriage - it does fade away.
Try to work on your marriage. I will do the same. At the end of the day even If you date new people you may end up to the concöusion that it’s not worth it. There is soooo much garbage out there.

I will take a look, thanks!! I am missing that