Is this worth my time and emotional energy?

[Tellmeifimwrong]

I was seeing a lovely man from Oct last year to Sept this year. I've dated a lot and this man felt like one in a million. Respectful, kind, makes me laugh, a devoted dad, has his dd fri-mon every week (proper, regular contact with dc was a non negotiable for me when I was dating) and we had a physical connection like I've never experienced before.

In September he started making noises about wanting to move to where his dd lives, this coincided with her starting school and him losing the Monday contact. It's the next town, only a few miles away but because of traffic it usually takes over an hour to get there. I immediately said I didn't want a LDR and backed off. We ended up breaking up.

He says he wants to keep things going, but on the basis that we'll see each other when we can - which is never on the weekends and, as I have dc too, will probably end up being one evening a week. He used to live 5 mins away and we'd meet up for breakfast/lunch or hang out when my dc were in bed so saw each other 3ish times a week - it feels like once a week would be a massive drop.

Add to this that he's a poor phone communicator - rarely texts, prefers to call which I hate but only does that when he's driving somewhere and we can barely hear each other - and I feel like this is a recipe for disaster. How can you keep a relationship going on one meet up a week?

The thing keeping me hanging on for now is that I know that this type of connection is rare for me. I never feel attracted to anyone, ever, and it's very rare that I get along so well with someone. I'm 37 and have had a fair few relationships and dated a lot so I have plenty of experience to back that up. Really really don't know what to do.

I don’t think you can. There’s no commitment there.

Can you not commit from afar?

a few miles away, is a LDR? he wants to call, but you hate phone calls, and call him a bad communcator? it sounds like you met someone solid - why don't you meet up with him and talk through how to make it work?

It's a few miles away but takes an hour. I'm used to having him down the road.
He is solid though!

None of what he is doing sounds a deal breaker to me. If you like him a lot give a go and see if it works.

Talk to Him and see how you can maybe make it work
but don’t throw it away until you have discussed as adults surely ?

No he definitely isn't doing anything wrong. In fact I like the fact he's moving towards his daughter and is actively trying to spend more time with her. But prior to September he had hinted at us moving in together so this feels a bit like he's pulled the rug from under me.

When I met DH we lived about an hour apart. Didn't phase me at all. Surely if this relationship is as good as you say, you'll move in together anyway?

Maybe a stupid question but how does a few miles take that long. Is the traffic always horrific? Does it not ever die down?

Over the summer we'd been talking about introducing our kids etc with the idea of slowly moving towards spending more time together. Then his daughter started school and he lost a night of contact and I think that hit him hard and he realised he'd have to move in order to see her more. He then very quickly made the decision and left, without any discussion with me. Which I understand, because it's his child who he is committed to, not me. But it leaves me wondering where I stand.

We have kids in schools in different areas so we can never live together now he's moved. A few miles takes an hour at any time bar 8pm onwards, I'm in a major city and he's in a neighbouring town.

He then very quickly made the decision and left, without any discussion with me.

You are soooo far down his priority list that you don't even register. Yes he should put his daughter first but he also should have discussed ìt with you to get your input. You might have come up with a better plan between you both. That would have been my line that he crossed. Did he discuss other things with you as your relationship matured or did he always have the final say and you just followed?

Sounds ideal to me .. presumably you've both got busy lives .. children, jobs, your own family & friends, hobbies etc ... seeing each other once a week wouldn't be a deal breaker for me ... but I love my own company and can't imagine wanting to blend families.

When DH & I met we lived 150 miles apart & only met up every second/third weekend .. and it was years before texting, emails etc so although we had phone calls we also had old fashioned letters. Looking back it was actually much nice than married life ... although we've stuck it out for over 30 years .

The thing keeping me hanging on for now is that I know that this type of connection is rare for me

The type of connection where you hang around for someone who can't give you what you want? Whether he's doing anything wrong or not isn't the issue. He isn't prioritising giving you what you want.

Suppose you have to give it a try and see how it goes. His daughter comes first but I’m surprised he made the move knowing the impact it could have on your relationship all for the sake of a couple hours a week drop with daughter (she’ll be at school Monday so will only be able to see her couple hours in evening). That couple of hours would be a much bigger deal if he only saw her once a fortnight or something but he spends every single weekend with her so just seems a bit dramatic to jeopardise your relationship for. Has he considered the impact? Men often don’t foresee these things like us women do.

I live in London and I routinely spend an hour on public transport, each way, to see friends, go to the theater, etc. Several times most weeks. So this would not be a big deal for me.

However, the fact that he did not discuss this with you or tried to find a more mutually convenient location is a big red flag.

I'd take a big step back. Let him do the running/driving - or not.

There weren't really other things to discuss. It was a very easy relationship, we met up when we had time which equated to about 2 x a week after my kids were in bed and maybe a lunch or a walk together. It didn't feel like we were in a rush to get to any particular point, we just loved each other's company. It felt like we were very close. Then his daughter started school and it was a wake up call for him. He said he wants to move towards being a 50/50 dad rather than a weekend dad. So I don't think he moved for a couple of extra hours, he moved so that he can gradually do more and more. He wants her to eventually be able to walk to his after school etc.

He sounds an amazing dad and as you haven't even been together a year his dd is going to come first . An hour away isn't that bad , if he only sees his dd at the weekend can't he come over to yours twice in the week when yours are in bed or you go there one evening if you have a child free night ?. I know it's not the same as being on the doorstep but if you have a great connection then I would just go with the flow .

I have my kids full time so no time for me to go over to his. He'd have to do the running. He reckons he will - I suppose only time will tell if he keeps it up or not. I haven't agreed to anything yet, I'm just thinking it all through.
I think the bit I'm upset about is, one minute I'm thinking we're moving towards introducing kids, next minute he's gone.

Why don't you suggest it? One Saturday you all get together! See what he says.

Just to add as a complicating factor that my son has recently started to say to me that he would like a stepdad type figure to be around - which this guy will now never be - but until I met this guy I've literally never met someone who I remotely came close to even imagining I'd introduce them to my kids! The vast majority of men are just not up to the job. And the one that is wants to be more of a dad to his own child and moves away.

If he moved from England to Wales fair enough, but another town. I'd stick with it. Yea it may be harder at first, but you choose your battles. He's a good catch as you say. You could meet someone who is available 7 nights a week but you might not have the same connection. Always worth thinking about

I think it’s doable if you can both change your routines a bit. I wouldn’t introduce kids yet just see how it goes. He sounds like a decent dad.

Hmmmm. Has your partner ever given any indication that he would like to be a stepdad figure? Devotion to his own child is no guarantee that he would take on a parental role in relation to someone else's.

No he has never said anything about being a stepdad and I wasn't casting him in that role - it's just that my son has mentioned it so I need to consider it in this situation. My son will never have the stepdad he wants if I choose to pursue this man.