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Original poster

Are all men like this?

43 replies

Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 07:57

Feeling a bit down and just want others opinions, as my body self confidence (after 3 children) is at an all time low.
My partner of 2 years knows about my insecurities, but whilst scrolling through his face book feed, it appears to be full of bikini clad women (randoms) from social media/news articles, all looking perfect, probably mid 20s/no children etc.
I was having a bad day and couldn't help but comment "Oh I bet you would want a woman like that" To which he replied "all men would want to be with a woman like that". This started a huge row and he ended up just walking out (doesn't live with me). The sincerity in which he made the comment has really got to me.
Aside from my self-confidence being more shot (past abusive relationships) it now has me wondering. Is there any hope for the average woman with 3 kids and a body to show for it. Is this what all men secretly desire?
He often makes comments about other women on TV and on his facebook feed, which upsets me and he knows that. So why be so inconsiderate? I don't consider myself ugly, size 10-12, 5ft 8, nearly 40, reasonably fit (exercise wise) doing reasonably ok in life.
How on earth do I build body confidence from here....feel so deflated. He tells me he loves me for who I am etc, and wouldn't change me, but then why make these comments. I'm so conflicted. I feel like he is only with me as a second choice because he can't "get" these other women (he is 50 now). Am I wrong to feel this way?

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 26/11/2023 08:02

Hang on, I adore my partner but if I could make him look like David Beckham, I can't say I wouldn't jump at the chance.
Does that mean I'll sleep with someone else? Absolutely not, he is my world and I love the bones of the man. Do I think other people are good looking and have a wee gawp occasionally? Too right.
I think stop thinking about him and focus on yourself. You're slim, active, sound successful, prime of life. I would love to be as tall!

The more you starting living your self, thr more you won't give a fuck what he thinks anyway

LolaSmiles · 26/11/2023 08:03

If the question is do most men find attractive women in their 20s attractive, I suspect the answer will be yes but most keep that information in their heads and don't share it.

If the question is do most men letch over women 20-30 years younger than them, fill their socials with women in that demographic, and name comments to their partners about all the women they're oggling though a screen, then the answer is no. Men who do that don't respect women.

You've got low self esteem and asked a question that he couldn't win. If he admits they're attractive then your confidence is shaken more, but if he lies and said he doesn't you'd know he's lying and that would bother you too.

You deserve a relationship that makes you happy and part of that will mean you need to feel good in yourself so you're not settling for disrespectful arseholes like this man.

Original poster
Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 08:06

Thank you, you are right, I know I need to start living for myself more. I can't seem to pick myself out of this negative self-image. I don't think he is going to sleep with anyone else it is just part of me thinks well if you want a woman like that what are you wasting your time with me for!!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/11/2023 08:07

I appreciate a six pack, and wouldn’t mind sleeping next to one, but I don’t drool over pictures of them.
If you don’t feel loved by him, lock that door. You’re doing the right thing by not living with him.

Lamelie · 26/11/2023 08:07

The social media posting let alone what he said to you marks him as a sad sack.
There are lots of ‘good men’ out there. I have one social media friend who posts lingerie shots. It’s his sisters company and a running joke in our peer group because it’d be otherwise completely unacceptable.
Don’t let him back. You don’t be with someone who makes you feel like that- the tentative way you excuse pulling him up on it, which was 100% the right thing to do, in your house ffs, made me sad.

Everycompanyisafuckup · 26/11/2023 08:08

I'm a size 18 but DP insists I'm not fat lol and if he ever does ogle women, he's hidden it so well I have never spotted it!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 26/11/2023 08:11

You need some counselling and probably to end the relationship. He doesnt sound nice.

googlejourney · 26/11/2023 08:13

He may want a woman like that...but could he get one? Does he look like David Beckham? Is he charming & successful and have young hotties queuing up to date him..I don't think so.
Or is he just some middle aged guy perving at young women he'll never have? That's creepy and would give me the ick.

Original poster
Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 08:16

I think you have hit the nail on the head here!! Perving at young women he will never have that sounds about right. And he knows this too.....I'm going to get myself into counselling as I need to sort out my self-image.

OP posts:
JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 08:28

Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 08:16

I think you have hit the nail on the head here!! Perving at young women he will never have that sounds about right. And he knows this too.....I'm going to get myself into counselling as I need to sort out my self-image.

Looking at other people and acting on it are very different things though. Do you ever find yourself looking at younger men with nicer bodies?

Does he still give you any compliments? He might just have got too comfortable and neglects to mention that he still sees you as sexy because he thinks you already know that.

Newtonianmechanics · 26/11/2023 08:34

Maybe I am weird and love is blind but I find my oh more attractive than Beckham etc. Now I realise most women wouldn't but I generally do. So it must be love I guess.
That is the respect back I want. Generally not interested in other men.

Now if a mate stuck a picture infront of my face and said do you think he is good looking. I would say yes or no but would have no interest.
I have no time for comments and ogglers. I am too old.

SheTookChances · 26/11/2023 08:37

A 50 year old man looking trawling through photos of 20 something year olds? I have a feeling your self esteem will improve just by dumping this sad, creepy little fucker.

Most people in relationships will still find other people attractive, that's just being human, but perving after women in bikinis who are young enough to be his daughter online isn’t something I’d accept, and no, not all men do it.

Peablockfeathers · 26/11/2023 08:40

A PP nailed it- its one thing to find other people attractive but it's quite another to fill your social media with women decades younger and to often mention it. Easier said than done but the best thing anyone can do for their confidence is to find it from within and not from others.

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 08:40

Newtonianmechanics · 26/11/2023 08:34

Maybe I am weird and love is blind but I find my oh more attractive than Beckham etc. Now I realise most women wouldn't but I generally do. So it must be love I guess.
That is the respect back I want. Generally not interested in other men.

Now if a mate stuck a picture infront of my face and said do you think he is good looking. I would say yes or no but would have no interest.
I have no time for comments and ogglers. I am too old.

This is amazing and how things should be!

Yes of course you can still appreciate that someone else is attractive but doesn’t mean you’re interested.

Have you been together for a long time too?

snuggleswithmygirlies · 26/11/2023 08:41

Perving at young women he will never have

Meanwhile the one he did manage to have, walks away!
That'll learn him.

Original poster
Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 08:45

I know I feel the same. I'm genuinely not interested in other men. Perhaps I'm weird too. And feel no need to make comments about mens bodies to my other half. So why do men find think this is ok. Why not keep it to themselves especially when they know it causes upset.

I guess I asked him a question and he
replied (silly me) but he does it without prompting also. It's just not something I feel the need or think to do personally.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 26/11/2023 08:47

Whilst I agree that most people can appreciate someone with a good bod or pretty face, you don't need to constantly (ever?) tell your partner about it. It sounds like your self esteem could do with a boost BUT your OH is not helping and needs to be told to stop being so insensitive & disrespectful. Seriously unattractive on his behalf

Peablockfeathers · 26/11/2023 08:48

Newtonianmechanics · 26/11/2023 08:34

Maybe I am weird and love is blind but I find my oh more attractive than Beckham etc. Now I realise most women wouldn't but I generally do. So it must be love I guess.
That is the respect back I want. Generally not interested in other men.

Now if a mate stuck a picture infront of my face and said do you think he is good looking. I would say yes or no but would have no interest.
I have no time for comments and ogglers. I am too old.

Realistically I doubt most women would actively wish to sleep with someone they find attractive if they're in a committed, happy relationship- but many would find them attractive I suspect. I love DH and there's genuinely no one else I want to be with or if it was offered would wish to be intimate with; but I can more than appreciate a good looking man aesthetically! I haven't ceased to be human. I'd say the same is true for him, objectively there are probably women he finds more physically attractive than me but he wouldn't rub it in my face and I hope he wouldn't act on it.

daisychain01 · 26/11/2023 08:48

He's a creep and a Neanderthal. I can just picture him with his knuckles dragging along the ground.

I was having a bad day and couldn't help but comment "Oh I bet you would want a woman like that" To which he replied "all men would want to be with a woman like that".

think, well he would say that, wouldn't he. Anyone who gaslights you into thinking you're the problem because "all men do xyz" is pondlife. And at the age of 50, there's no hope!

HomiesAlone · 26/11/2023 08:55

I don't think he is a good egg.i was with someone like this. He definitely fed into my insecurity. Shallow. New partner is lovely. Send him on his way.

Newtonianmechanics · 26/11/2023 08:57

@JasonJuly

We have been together about 10 years. We are 44.

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 09:11

Newtonianmechanics · 26/11/2023 08:57

@JasonJuly

We have been together about 10 years. We are 44.

That is a long time and sounds like things are just getting better and better for you 😃.

44 isn’t old at all though lol

HelenaCh9 · 26/11/2023 09:38

He’s already punching with you by your description of yourself!

Ageing pervs are gross. Find someone better.

Original poster
Needingapickup · 26/11/2023 10:07

Thank you HelenCh9 that's made me smile 😃

OP posts:
CollagenQueen · 26/11/2023 10:18

I am 54 and DH is 51, and to be honest, we view people in their 20's as children. Probably because our own are 25 & almost 27. I honestly could not imagine drooling over someone young enough to be my child.

That said, I do think men can be a bit shallow. I have recently lost weight and had a face lift, and all of a sudden DH wants a lot more sex. Coincidence? Me thinks probably not.