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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with best friend.

60 replies

C6H12O6 · 25/11/2023 23:52

Friends for over 2 years. Realised I felt something about a year ago. Don’t know what to do.

We talk everyday. Mundane stuff, big stuff, everything. We do the same job albeit in different companies, and we share a hobby, see each other minimum twice a week. Often just drinks, me and him.

We have banter, take the piss constantly, we cheer each other on, share big life decisions.

He’s been offered a job that would mean moving over 3 hours away. I’m devastated but have been supportive, not mentioned my feelings.

Do I tell him how I feel?

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 26/11/2023 13:27

I had this. Friends over 20 years. I told him and we’ve been together for over ten years and married for 5. No regrets.

Tell him.

justwatchingtelly · 26/11/2023 13:29

jeaux90 · 26/11/2023 13:23

A wiser woman than me said that your life partner should feel like friendship on fire. She was right. When you find your person you have to go for it I think.

I love this!!!

OP TELL HIM

DoubleTime · 26/11/2023 13:29

Namechange4234 · 26/11/2023 13:20

Omg you have GOT to tell him

Do it NOW 😍😍😍😍😍😍

Yep, tell him.

obje · 26/11/2023 13:36

I definitely think you should tell him too!

Have you known him to date, or talk to other women while you've been friends? If he has and he's made the first move in those cases I'd be more nervous. However, if he's shy/awkward around dating he might be waiting on you to make a move

strawberry2017 · 26/11/2023 13:37

Be honest, don't live with regrets.
I still regret now not telling someone how I felt whilst I had the chance.
I've not clue what would have happened if I did but I've also no clue whether it could have been the best decision I ever made.
I would rather know than not know.

LadyEloise1 · 26/11/2023 15:05

A friend, call her Sue, told me she liked the brother of another mutual friend.
He was a widower.
Our mutual friend never knew Sue liked her brother.
He remarried.
Years later I told mutual friend that Sue had had a shine for her brother.
She was gobsmacked. And sad because it all might have worked out really well.
His remarriage didn't.
Too late now though.

Burntouted · 26/11/2023 18:11

What was your life like prior before befriending him?? Do you have any other friends, any other interests and hobbies??

Do you have any other things that make you feel excited, happy, and joyful about life??

If he is your only resource of happiness,
If he is your only outlet to be sociable and have a semi social life..

If you're dropping hints,
If you tell him now, it's manipulation tactics and strategies in an effort to perhaps not revert back to life previously without his company and presence..

If it's not, he may view it as that...

Especially since you have liked him for awhile, and haven't said anything until now.

It seems like you are in "panicked" mode perhaps thinking about how you're gone to occupy your time without him.

Do you feel like you'll be forgotten and tossed to the side? That he'll meet new people??

If you know that he really wants to take this opportunity, don't keep trying to discourage him, encourage him. Stop telling him things like you'll miss him..etc..

It will only be 3 hours away. A short drive, train, plane, boat, ferry, etc... ride to see one another.

If he stays, perhaps if you haven't any other social network and avenues, you may want to establish some independently.. It's good to find more people and things to occupy your time...and both have personal space away from one another.

My previous responses still stand.

DoubleTime · 26/11/2023 19:32

OP, I do hope you let us know what you decided and how you got on.

BW.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 26/11/2023 21:03

Tell him OP but be prepared for a change of dynamic if he doesn't have romantic feelings for you. Either way you need to know otherwise it will eat you up. Also, if you don't tell him and he meets someone else it will a whole different level of pain for you and you may regret not at least knowing if you two could have had something.

Jk987 · 26/11/2023 21:07

If he's single and so are you then go for it. If you're both same sex, is she interested in women?

Original poster
C6H12O6 · 27/11/2023 19:36

An Update!

No I’ve not told him yet. But to answer some questions, we both have really busy jobs as well as the hobby we have in common. I’m busy juggling lots of different things, he’s def. It my only source of happiness. But he is the source of the most amazing happiness. Spending time with him is the best thing. But it’s not my only thing. I’m not dependent on him. I like who I am when we are around each other.

We’ve planned a catch up tomorrow night….

OP posts:
justwatchingtelly · 27/11/2023 22:18

Exciting!!!!!

ItchinAnBitchin · 28/11/2023 09:40

Are you telling him tonight?

obje · 28/11/2023 09:59

Oh please please come back & update 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

imho99 · 28/11/2023 12:49

Definitely go for it. I had a friend like this, we both felt the same but didn’t realise until years later once we were both unhappily married to other people.

workshy46 · 28/11/2023 13:06

I would tell him. In this case i think the old adage you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do holds true.
Go for it, tomorrow is promised to no one and you only get one life. Take a chance

Memom · 28/11/2023 14:30

Go for it! If he is a good friend and doesn't feel the same it will just be something for more banter.
Friends of my parents recently declared their love after 40 odd years of being best friends, both had been too worried about losing the friendship if the other didn't feel the same. Although they got together (eventually) they didn't have long before one sadly passed away, admittedly they were pretty old!

hotandwanttoswim · 29/11/2023 08:29

Sooo.....what happened?

Lavender14 · 29/11/2023 08:37

Definitely tell him, but also make it clear you're committed to your friendship and you fully support his choices no matter what. I'd tell him that you wanted to let him know before he moved so he had time to consider his own feelings but that you aren't expecting it to change his plans career wise and that you feel you're taking a gamble because his friendship is important to you and if he doesn't feel the same way you are fully prepared to just keep going as you are now because you value him. But you wanted to be honest with him.

But you would need to mean the last bit. It's nerve wracking op but if you don't then you will always wonder and there's a risk you'll always be comparing new people to him. I'd have a think before about what you would need if he didn't feel the same. Would you need space for example. Or are you happy to just cross that bridge if you even come to it which you may not.

Didimum · 29/11/2023 09:56

Lavender14 · 29/11/2023 08:37

Definitely tell him, but also make it clear you're committed to your friendship and you fully support his choices no matter what. I'd tell him that you wanted to let him know before he moved so he had time to consider his own feelings but that you aren't expecting it to change his plans career wise and that you feel you're taking a gamble because his friendship is important to you and if he doesn't feel the same way you are fully prepared to just keep going as you are now because you value him. But you wanted to be honest with him.

But you would need to mean the last bit. It's nerve wracking op but if you don't then you will always wonder and there's a risk you'll always be comparing new people to him. I'd have a think before about what you would need if he didn't feel the same. Would you need space for example. Or are you happy to just cross that bridge if you even come to it which you may not.

I’m not sure if I agree about her committing herself to the friendship regardless of how he feels – or even at all! It’s very very sad, of course, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to stay in such a close friendship with someone you have unrequited or forever-unconfessed feelings for. If it’s OP’s aim to find a meaningful relationship, then I think it’s likely only to do harm, take away time and emotion she could spend finding someone else.

I’ve no doubt it’s down to the individual, and whether they can truly and firmly switch their feelings off, but I think that’s a big ask for anyone.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/11/2023 10:36

Tell him. "I really like you, you know. Do you think there could be something romantic between us?" removes knickers

AltheaVestr1t · 29/11/2023 10:36

Oh my goodness - you are both single, you are obviously compatible, tell him!!!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/11/2023 10:41

Actually could you just lean in and say "Give me a kiss" when you're both a little bit tipsy and flirty?

Didimum · 29/11/2023 14:44

I cannot stop checking for an update!

ChocoChocoLatte · 29/11/2023 14:48

Tell him! I married mine, we celebrate our 20th anny soon. It took him moving to another country for us to accept we were more than just friends. Good luck.

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