AIBU? Am I just an option or a drama queen?

[eucalyptusdrops]

Looking for some insight and probably a knock of common sense to the head.

I've tried to reduce this down a bit (not wanting to drip feed, just that there's been a lot to try and capture).

Some background, I met someone through work a few months back. Friendship quickly developed into a casual relationship but besides the sex we would text/call a lot, speak a lot about our lives etc.

He has children and I also have children. Our set ups are different in that he has 50/50 care whereas I have much less time to myself due to useless ex-DH!

So a lot of the time we have spent together is at my home when the children are in bed or when we both happen to be childfree at the same time.

About 2 months into us seeing each other he ended things citing that we wanted different things... I was disappointed but accepted it graciously and went no contact.

Within days he was back messaging, saying what a mistake he'd made etc... I rebuffed him for a month despite missing his company because I didn't want to be messed around. I also know he has a history of being a bit of a ladies man an expected he might have had his head turned.

Things picked up again a couple of months ago. We had a chat, I agreed that I was happy not to label "us" but that I did want us to be exclusive to one another. He agreed to this. He said he has issues with relationships and has previously been in a controlling relationship and didn't want this again. I had no issues with this, I have a busy social life, job and my children so I was happy for us to see where it all went.

He's said he couldn't stop thinking about me when we didn't speak and was depressed not being able to see me.

Things have been going well since it restarted , when I'm with him it's great. The issue is, I can't help but feel I'm just an option when it's convenient rather than him prioritising our time together.

For example, in the week he was coming over in the evening after meeting his friends at the gym. I asked if he'd like me to do us both dinner, he agreed. But when he arrived he had already eaten, a bit annoying but ok.

I then mentioned to him I was free Saturday (tonight) if he was free. He said he was free and would "let me know". Today rolls around and a few hours ago he messaged to ask whether could he come over tomorrow instead and mentioned he's meeting his friend tonight.

It's not about him meeting friends, I want someone who has their own life and interests but this plan was clearly made after we spoke and he was clearly holding out to see what his friends were up to before committing to seeing me.

I've told him I have plans tomorrow night (I don't but hate him thinking I am always available because of my childcare situation!)

He's then replied saying we could do one night in the week and then sent over some dates for in the month to get together... it's all so confusing. It's like the minute he senses I might pull away a bit, he ups the effort a little.

AIBU to feel a bit narked here? There have been other issues in this time where he has lied and I've found out in other ways, and it all feels exhausting. But I hate that when I'm with him I love spending time with him and the chemistry is incredible.

This is my first "relationship" since my 12 year marriage ended and I can't help but feel it should be more straightforward at our age?!

Please be gentle - but honest- with me!

Hi OP I think we can sense when something doesn't feel right or the effort is not quite there. I would hate to be second guessing someone I had just started dating again after they had called it off. Sounds to me that he is not entirely sure so is keeping you around just in case. I think you've given it enough time for you both to know whether it is going anywhere. Sounds as though he could still be a non committal ladies man...

I'd say your Spidey senses are tingling for a reason, it sounds like you know how you feel about the situation really! From what you said about him saying he'd let you know and then arranging with friends i completely get it, I'd be feeling blah about it too. Honestly, it's better to be alone than second guessing who you're with.

YANBU
‘depressed’ when he can’t see you, is a red flag. As he isn’t arsed to make plans with you or confirm plans even though he’s depressed not to see you, that’s another red flag.
him being the victim of poor relationships, that now excuse his poor behaviour (dumping you, regret his decisions and love bomb you, can’t commit, can’t label) is another red flag. You feeling like you have to play games, another one.
sorry op I think your gut knows what’s happening

Honestly I couldn’t have been arsed with this when I was a teenager. I certainly wouldn’t want to deal with this sort of nonsense as an adult.

Just tell him it’s over because you want different things.

The issue is, I can't help but feel I'm just an option

Don't keep seeing anyone who gives you this feeling. Whether you're a 'drama queen' or not isn't the question. The question is, 'Why are you buying into a relationship with someone who doesn't feel consistently right for you?'

In the nicest way, you sound like a booty call/ hook up to him🤷‍♀️

Thankyou, you are all right and it's what I'd say to someone else in my situation.

It's just so baffling because when he's keen he's super keen, gift buying, lovely messages etc... but then equally things like this happen or he just turns totally inconsistent and I just feel rubbish again.

I know when I call time on it he will probably try hard again, but this push pull thing is so tiresome.

Shall I just say what @Fleur405 has suggested and cite we want different things? I don't want to go into all the details because I know he will think that I'm upset he spent time with friends, which is totally not that at all!

You agreed to not be in a standard relationship and be casual. That is exactly what he is doing, not investing much in the relationship because you both agreed that a full commited one wasn't what you wanted.

You are entitled to change your mind and want more, but you shouldn't feel bad being an option because is that exactly what you are, a casual girlfriend.

Yup. Time to throw this one back OP.

Yes say that you want different things. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out. He doesnt care that much about your feelings does he.

Is it honestly baffling??

@DelightfulDoris not baffling in terms of it's obvious we are both on different pages.

Just confusing as to why people play games, lovebomb etc... but it's because I've let him I guess!

He said he has issues with relationships and has previously been in a controlling relationship and didn't want this again.

TBH I would read this as "My ex objected to me treating her like an option instead of a priority and I found that controlling".

Just confusing as to why people play games, lovebomb etc

They do it because they want to. Nobody else needs to understand, or get involved. Anybody who spends their time trying to figure other people out needs to realise that that's not what their precious minutes, hours, days, weeks etc are for. Unless they love doing it.

There are more enjoyable ways to waste your time.

Sounds like he thinks you agreed to a casual set up.

@eucalyptusdrops ah I miss read what you meant. Yes it’s baffling that people can be like that when you aren’t like it yourself. Some people (men) like to keep their Options open.

I guess you have to learn from this. A lot of us have been there!!

I'm wondering if he wasn't really in a controlling relationship before, but instead his habit of changing arrangements yet expecting his partner to be constantly available to him and going hot and cold resulted in fall-out.

Seems like he's the only one of importance in the relationship anyway in his own mind.

@category12 there's definitely a sense of him wanting things on his terms.

His last significant relationship was his marriage 8 years ago and they were together from quite young. He said it was a very stifling relationship, he felt he missed out on doing the things that other men his age were doing, so he strayed, and now he feels he is reliving his youth a bit

@Nomad19 I did, but we both agreed to exclusivity and honesty and openness and I don't think I'm getting that from him.

He is highly controlling. Everything you describe is an act of control. As is the lying.

Why has it crossed your mind that you are a drama Queen?

Hmm, being cheated on tends to bring out controlling behaviours like wanting to know where he is, who he's with, why he's late, checking up on him. Not healthy things, granted, but yeah. 😄

Well, I don't know, but I wouldn't be feeling too sorry for him about his stifling marriage.

Sounds like he wanted to prepare the ground for you not to expect much from him anyway.

@eucalyptusdrops casual mean less formal, not full commited relationship. Exclusivity mean just one sexual partners.
I see it that way.
He can be exclusive to you and also prioritize his friends over you depending on the plan and arrangements.
Let say BBQ with my friends or movie with my casual relationship I would choose the first and re arrange the second as he did.

It can be casual and exclusive.

He is very much seeing you as an option. I agree that he is treating you as a hook up.

Also worrying that he has cheated in the past. I know it's judgmental but people who cheat... it's often because they're selfish and disrespectful. There will be exceptions but that's been my experience on the whole.

I think you can do a whole lot better than him, from what you describe.

He doesn't sound 'highly controlling'

Quite the opposite. He doesn't care about op and flitters in and out when he likes.

If op chooses to go along with it, it's control. He clearly has a different type of arrangement (hook up)

agreed that I was happy not to label "us"

Genuine question, why make this concession? Doesn't it amount to saying you're accepting him not valuing you. It's basically giving him permission to see you as "an option"