AIBU? Am I just an option or a drama queen?

[eucalyptusdrops]

Looking for some insight and probably a knock of common sense to the head.

I've tried to reduce this down a bit (not wanting to drip feed, just that there's been a lot to try and capture).

Some background, I met someone through work a few months back. Friendship quickly developed into a casual relationship but besides the sex we would text/call a lot, speak a lot about our lives etc.

He has children and I also have children. Our set ups are different in that he has 50/50 care whereas I have much less time to myself due to useless ex-DH!

So a lot of the time we have spent together is at my home when the children are in bed or when we both happen to be childfree at the same time.

About 2 months into us seeing each other he ended things citing that we wanted different things... I was disappointed but accepted it graciously and went no contact.

Within days he was back messaging, saying what a mistake he'd made etc... I rebuffed him for a month despite missing his company because I didn't want to be messed around. I also know he has a history of being a bit of a ladies man an expected he might have had his head turned.

Things picked up again a couple of months ago. We had a chat, I agreed that I was happy not to label "us" but that I did want us to be exclusive to one another. He agreed to this. He said he has issues with relationships and has previously been in a controlling relationship and didn't want this again. I had no issues with this, I have a busy social life, job and my children so I was happy for us to see where it all went.

He's said he couldn't stop thinking about me when we didn't speak and was depressed not being able to see me.

Things have been going well since it restarted , when I'm with him it's great. The issue is, I can't help but feel I'm just an option when it's convenient rather than him prioritising our time together.

For example, in the week he was coming over in the evening after meeting his friends at the gym. I asked if he'd like me to do us both dinner, he agreed. But when he arrived he had already eaten, a bit annoying but ok.

I then mentioned to him I was free Saturday (tonight) if he was free. He said he was free and would "let me know". Today rolls around and a few hours ago he messaged to ask whether could he come over tomorrow instead and mentioned he's meeting his friend tonight.

It's not about him meeting friends, I want someone who has their own life and interests but this plan was clearly made after we spoke and he was clearly holding out to see what his friends were up to before committing to seeing me.

I've told him I have plans tomorrow night (I don't but hate him thinking I am always available because of my childcare situation!)

He's then replied saying we could do one night in the week and then sent over some dates for in the month to get together... it's all so confusing. It's like the minute he senses I might pull away a bit, he ups the effort a little.

AIBU to feel a bit narked here? There have been other issues in this time where he has lied and I've found out in other ways, and it all feels exhausting. But I hate that when I'm with him I love spending time with him and the chemistry is incredible.

This is my first "relationship" since my 12 year marriage ended and I can't help but feel it should be more straightforward at our age?!

Please be gentle - but honest- with me!

My ex spins that line to everyone. He's now nearly 40 back living with his mum, just like he was when he met me - the one that stifled him and made him miss out on all those things.

It's a line immature men use to act like idiots, the thing is its actually quite sad and they actually look quite sad.

"We had a chat, I agreed that I was happy not to label "us" but that I did want us to be exclusive to one another. He agreed to this."

Fuck sake...he knows enough of you now to know whether or not he's interested. Not labelling 'us' is just a non-committal insurance against poor behaviour.
"We've never had a label."
Why were you happy with that?

I hear you as me and my friends (all women in their 40’s) are on the receiving end of this frequently! It’s easy to say from the outside ‘just move on’ but it’s much harder to do so when you’re in it. Even if we know we would give that same advice to our friends!

my friends and I always now say to each other ‘at your own pace’ ie we recognise it’s not always as easy just to walk away but that at your own pace you will do so eventually. Obvs it’s ultimately better to just stop it there and then but it’s not always easy to do so but you will eventually become disgusted with his behavior and will be put off him anyway.

Hi OP. It sounds like you have strong boundaries in what you want from a relationship so he is starting to push those. I'm in a similar set up to you with no labels, more of a situationship. We have though outwardly agreed we are that way. This guy is using you for sex, on his terms. If that works for you, that's fine but see it for what it is.

Good luck.

Honestly? Life is too short to be working this hard. I know relationships take compromise, but it really shouldn't be this much effort this early on.

It is most likely that your time lines are not a match, and that in some other universe, everything would be fine, but this is not the case for you now.

Go and find someone else who matches your needs better. Also, being honest, it sounds like this guy was sort of 'just there' as opposed to someone you actually chose.

He turns on the charm when he wants sex. Otherwise you don't matter to him.

...wants sex from you, that is?

It’s annoying, OP, but it sounds to me like you agreed to casual/FWB, albeit exclusive, and this is what casual/FWB looks like.

You want something more committed which is absolutely fair to want but it’s not what you agreed with him and it’s not what you’ll get. Men can be thrillingly nice in the moment of seeking sex or getting it - to him this doesn’t need to equate to commitment.

You’ve tried it twice with this guy and it just doesn’t work for you.

You’ve had some different advice in the replies.

What stands out to me is the letting you down when you believe arrangements have been made. How you feel is the same as many people would feel if they had a ‘flakey’ friend of either sex.

He is acting exactly as he wants, he says he was stifled in his marriage. That may be true or he may have just been expected to behave like a man with responsibilities to his wife and children. Whichever it is, he has effectively laid down his ground rules that he will do the stuff he wants with friends, family and you.

It’s up to you and how you feel about it. I hate having plans changed last minute and it annoys me probably more than most people. He may be letting others down as much as he is letting you down.

He’s just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You are not a drama queen. He is just failing in basic manners.

I ended it. Said that I thought we wanted different things etc... he said he didn't see it coming and how much he has enjoyed getting to know me and what a great person I am etc...

I feel like crying! This is so tough, but I know for the best ultimately.

Well done, berst for you MH

You'll be fine OP. It may not seem like it now, and if you will excuse the expression, there are other books in the library.

Make a conscious choice with the next one though, don't go for the convenient one. Choose the one who deserves you. It took me 40+ years to find mine, but she was worth the wait and then some.

You're a option because you agreed to be an option. If you're not an 'us' you're a 'whenever I feel like it'.

I think women often think exclusivity is posisible with men who don't take them seriously. Truth is, if you're not his partner, you're not his priority.

He also made it very clear he was a headfucker from the start. He tried to fake drop you. Hoping you'd run after him and kiss his ass. When you didn't, he had to backstep and chase you.

And thats all it'll ever be with him. A power play. Where he needs you to fall in love with him for his egos sake. Or at the very keast, need him more than he needs you.

Thats why he keeps blowing hot and cold. To fuck with your head.

Get rid. Don't agree for just for fun things with men in future unless you're OK with that being all it is. Because they won't be exclusive and they...usually...despite what they might say, are NOT your friend.

Thankyou @HappiestSleeping very good advice.

He has messaged again asking for more reasons why. So I explained the casual relationship thing isn't for me anymore and I need something a bit deeper or with room to develop.

He hasn't replied... so perhaps that says it all.

Good call OP. I reckon you deserve way better than that...even from a casual partner. Respect is the bare minimum and he wasn't giving it.

He's virtually told you that really he wants to play the field, which he could well be doing as part of his lies. Another lie could be going along with exclusivity - verbally, but not really otherwise.
It's pretty much a red flag that he gave FOMO as an acceptable reason for infidelity on his wife (its not, and its pathetic), and if that's why he does not want a relationship, it means he is still in playing the field mode.Thats why his plans are either made last minute, or changed, he's keeping his options open.
You did the right thing ending it, but stay strong when the love-bombing starts up again otherwise you will be right back in a messy situationship that you don't want.

If you can keep it v v casual and sort of use him for the odd dinner date/sex/cinema & not get involved/hurt and you make your own plans, your own life & have zero expectations then it could be fine.

If you're catching feelings or he's letting you down then I'd throw this one back & block number.

YANBU. I have an ex who was like this - it was all on his terms. He would drop or change plans, and yet expect me to be ready at the drop of a hat whenever he wanted to see me. It’s a very selfish, childish way to be.

I would drop him. He’s just going to get worse.

Been in a similar situation and let it go
on far toooo long…

I’d honestly throw this one back too. Even if he does come back doesn’t sound like you ultimately want the same things long-term.

I guess you also need to work out if casual/exclusive is something you are happy with deep down. Its also a confusing label. I thought i was happy with that set-up but only after untangling myself did i realise i actually wasn’t. Took a fair few months to get over him but after a while i felt tons better than when i was still ‘with’
him. It dawned on me that the highs didn’t outweigh the lows and just feeling like such a low priority…

Being an option is a horrible feeling and he’s cancelled plans to meet friends instead a couple of time already. I agree he’s sending very mixed signals but if you’re confused then you’re on different pages… Hope you’re OK, you sound lovely and definitely deserving of someone much nicer. Good Luck! 🙂

Thankyou @Naimee87 and everyone else who had taken the time to respond. I've read and digested everything everyone has said.

As you have said @Naimee87 I have recognised that the highs when I am with him (great sex, chemistry, laughs) do not outweigh the sense of anxiety I feel when we are not together, and I don't know where he really is (and have no right to ask!) and there's never usually any firm plans to see each other until he instigates them usually at no more than a days notice...

I can certainly see the attraction of casual relationships for some people, but it's not for me.

Feel quite sad and low today, but also know this is for the best and I don't want to be complicit in breaking my own heart.

You've been brave and done the right thing so you can hold your head high op. And qt least you know you have your own back.

Be prepared just incase he promises something more, he's the sort of person you would never quite know where you stand with. Because he wants it that way. But he may happily lie for a short while to reel you back in. So don't be fooled.

Even if he committed, he'd make you feel like you forced his hand. It wouldn't be a nice relationship.

And you shouldn't settle for scraps if you want a buffet.

I'd maybe block him now op, so he can't chip away at you.