Can this relationship be worked on?

[Lloyke94]

Dp of 8 years takes no interest in me.

I don’t have any friends, dp works constantly and I am just with dc all the time. He is the only person I have to talk to, adult conversation or stimulation etc.

he doesn’t spend any time with me. The most we do together is OCCASIONALLY watch a movie on the couch (in which he’ll be playing a game on his phone at the same time) or 1/2 times a week we will take the dc to their clubs in which he will join me, occasionally after he may buy a takeaway and we’ll eat at home before bed. we don’t do anything/go anywhere 1-on-1.

I rely on him a lot as I have no friends so nobody to talk to etc. after being with the dc all day I wait for him to come home to have some adult company however as soon as he comes home he’s grumpy and always in a mood. He NEVER says hello or even ‘hi’ to me when he comes home, regardless of how much effort I put to make the home look clean, food cooked for him etc. I get so excited for him to come home but he ruins the mood instantly and seems unhappy to see me?

he doesn’t talk to me. The only things he talks to me about is whatever HE wants to speak about or something that revolves around him. Sometimes I get excited and try to tell him something and he either doesn’t hear me or is on his phone and completely uninterested in what I have to say.

today I got upset and let out my emotions (not in the most productive way), cried telling him how I want him to just say ‘hello’ when he comes home, that he doesn’t spend any time with me, that I have no friends and all I look forward to is him and he makes no effort for me etc. instead of seeing my point and how I feel, he got annoyed and told me I am ‘stressing him out’.

this evening he was watching tv with dc whilst I was busy doing something (in the same room). I got excited about something and started telling him, even said his name 3 times. He didn’t even hear me! It’s like he is completely switched off to me. He continued texting someone on his phone and I just feel embarrassed and stopped talking. Even when I mentioned this to him after he was completely unbothered and didn’t even ask me to repeat myself. instead he continues on his phone, has the time to reply to other people but not me.

I spend 95% of my time alone without him. This surely isn’t how a relationship should be?? Aren’t we supposed to be in love? Want to see eachother? Want to talk to eachother? Want to support eachother mentally/emotionally/physically etc? I listen to everything he says, anything he ever wants to talk about, even when I’m not interested I still listen to him.

i feel so lonely and unwanted in this relationship and genuinely wonder if it’s fixable?

I am struggling to imagine what you are describing.

You sound like some captive in a horror movie.

Why don't you have friends? Is it because you have been isolated by him?

Where are your family? Why are you at home all the time?

That sounds really sad and miserable.

A couple of things. I don't think it's sustainable for one person in the couple to be the others only source of adult company unless they are naturally that way inclined. If you are a person who likes to have friends but just don't then it can put a lot of pressure on the partner to be everything for you. It sounds like there might be a bit of that going on?

That said, his response to you sounds so uncaring and must feel heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of. Is that a rut that you've got into a couple due to life revolving around kids (easily done) or is that who he is now? The situation sounds irredeemable if it's the latter.

My advice would be to find some things for you to do for yourself so can enjoy your life outside of him. At the same time, have a cards-on-the-table chat with him about the state of the relationship and how you both need to imrprove it before it dies. Its up to him whether to respond positively or negatively to that, but his response will be very telling for you.

I’d love to have friends - just a couple. I have been a sahm since dc born so my life had just revolved around dc and being a mom. I don’t get the chance to meet with anyone/can’t go out with friends etc as dp works so much I am just the one raising the kids. I spend every day doing things for dc.

they are in full time school now I am hoping to get back into work which I think will really help me. When they are at school my time is taken up with cooking and cleaning at home. I’m not sure how to make friends at this stage?! I am almost 30 and haven’t had friends most of my 20s now…

he was not this way before the kids, we were best friends, spent every day together, did everything together. Now my life just turned into being a ‘mom’ and he is caught up in work life etc. I don’t think he sees me as the women I was back then… in fact recently he told me ‘you’re not the girl you used to be’..

Stop.cooking and cleaning all day. No need.
Go out. Volunteer in charity shop or hospital.
Get a life for yourself.
Put kids in after school club and you have more hours to work or volunteer
When you are more confident in yourself you will see if this relationship continues or not.
It is not healthy to depend so much on one other person.
Go see gp for social prescribing to health walks or groups

Find some stuff to do outside of the house. It might be easy to make friends with some of DC friends parents? In a bit you can start swapping sleepovers so you get some time to go out. Would you get a babysitter so you and DP can go out and socialise with other people together? It sounds like the isolation is really unhealthy.

You must be so lonely That part about you being excited about seeing him come home from work and him just ignoring you made me so sad.

I think you should volunteer in the day, and look for part time work. If this carries on you'll feel so socially anxious and isolated you won't know how to make friends.

You sound like you need more stimulation, whether that be getting a job, studying or some personal interest that involves you not doing stuff for the family or thinking about how much attention he shows you.

What would you like to do op ?

Or do you feel that you are happy with what you do and just need some attention from him.

I was like this with ex... although when DD got older i worked ...a break for me tbh. Ok...what time he get back from work?. Know what i did? When he got back from work...i went to night classes and left him with DD. I made some friends from that... and learned new skills. Ex used to ignore me...he took me for granted and what i did. Go to night class or join meetup and search in top bar groups in your area. Or if your kids old enough just look for college course if cant work atm. Try to fill that gap in your skills for future work xx

It doesn’t sound like it can, it’s changed so much into something that’s not a normal relationship at all.

You need to make more of a life for yourself. Cooking and cleaning don’t take that long with kids in school all day. You need to get out, leave your house, talk to people.

Do you have access to money?

I feel so sorry for you, you’re literally crying out for attention and he just seems to be ignoring you.

He goes out to work a lot and gets his break from the house and family life whereas you don’t get that break and are stuck at home day after day cooking and cleaning.

When was the last time he surprised you with bringing some flowers home or taking you out for a nice meal? Needs to be reminded that you’re a woman and have needs and wants of your own.

This is great to hear that you found things to help yourself, taking a course and meeting up with friends probably made you feel much better about things.

You say ex though so he still ignored you? Hopefully you’ve found someone that appreciates you now

Tbh i am the same i have no friends and only do to rely on it makes u feel like shit and loose yourself ! I started volunteering two days a week still no friends but a break from the house ! I feel for u as i knw wot its like ! x

It sounds like you've done the thing a lot of women do - given up their friends, their independence, and their self to make their family the sole thing they have in their life and then wake up one day and realise they are lonely and not fulfilled by it. Your DP has you in the "wife" box (although I don't think you are married?). He doesn't see you as a friend. You're just the homemaker.

What you need to do is start making a life for yourself. Definitely go back to work. Do a night class if they still exist. Take up a hobby. Start seeing people outside of the home. Without your children!

Agree.
Night class do exist still...also community classes in day and night still exist. I went to a lot lol..they still do them but i work a lot hours now and busy. Or meetup website great place to meet new people

I'd say you've got two issues: 1) loneliness and lack of your 'own things', hobbies and interests and 2) a partner who is possibly pretty crap.

Whilst considering what action if any to take on the second issue, there's tons you can do to improve the first. Have a brainstorm on what actions you can take to befriend people in real life, get to know new people, join groups, volunteer, do a college course, chat to other mums, etc. I would suggest make these face to face activities not online. When you feel a bit more connected to real life people in your peer group, you'll feel a bit more at ease in the world.

No most likely it isn't fixable. Sorry
Try and make some friends.

When you fix the lack-of-life-beyond-the-home issue, you might realise you actually don't even like your partner and decide that you don't need to be with him anymore.

That's good! There have been huge budget cuts around my area, so most of the leisure classes have been stopped unfortunately. I never will learn pottery now

Bloody cuts eh? 😡 😁.
I went to a pottery class...i was gearing myself up..excited.. thinking pottery wheel..apron.. flinging clay onto wheel like a professional 🤣🤣...i got there..was just a lump of clay and...do what you want lol. No wheel. No flinging... nothing. Wholly disappointed 😂

I'm sorry your going through this. Is this recent? How long has it been this way?

My advice if you want to save the relationship is this, back off from him completely stop cooking for him when he walks in be dressed up a bit or gym ready get yourself to some classes I made my friends at Zumba yoga etc walking groups are great. He will start wondering why you don't want to spend time with him. The point is this is too easy for him kids get in the way yes but the mistake we make is just being a wife a mum not ourselves men find that disinteresting they like the chase. You listen to him .. he doesn't.. get on your phone and ignore him when he talks. You need to wake this man up.

I hate to say if this behaviour is fairly recent could be cheating moody angry on phone all the time this is basically to blame you for what they are doing twisting it all to alleviate guilt. Me I'd have to check his phone when he's asleep. If he's changed the password suspicious.

Or if this is really him is your life not worth more than this? I think it is xx

So glad my hubby isn't like this we are as much if not more loved up than before we were married and had 4 kids. Unless there's a toddler in my arms when he gets home from work every day we hug and kiss then we will make tea together talk about our days, have a laugh and a joke. We will bath and play with the kids and put them to bed together then spin around the hoover and then sit and cuddle, chat or watch a bit of tv. If there's anything major occasionally to discuss we always make sure to sit and do that when we need to. I couldn't imagine not ever having my hubby to laugh, chat, discuss things with and for us having the kids made us love each other more. If he is on a long shift at work he will always ring and some days I love it even more if I've had a grumpy morning off the toddlers as hubby can tell by my voice I'm shattered and will pick me up on his break phone call so that I feel ready to go again. I also have my own friends as does he, we take turns going out and occasionally my parents can manage all 4 and we get an evening out once a month. You really need to do something other than be in the house all day and tbh it doesn't sound like your other half is even interested in you which is so sad

This is beautiful @Ladyj84 ... Made me quite envious ♥️.
Heartwarming.
You sound like a happy, contented, lovely couple. Amazing ...how sweet xx

Nothing like the pottery scene in Ghost then lol

Lol far from it 😂. Teacher was no patrick swayzee either...more like patrick moore 🤣😒🤣