Can this relationship be worked on?

[Lloyke94]

Dp of 8 years takes no interest in me.

I don’t have any friends, dp works constantly and I am just with dc all the time. He is the only person I have to talk to, adult conversation or stimulation etc.

he doesn’t spend any time with me. The most we do together is OCCASIONALLY watch a movie on the couch (in which he’ll be playing a game on his phone at the same time) or 1/2 times a week we will take the dc to their clubs in which he will join me, occasionally after he may buy a takeaway and we’ll eat at home before bed. we don’t do anything/go anywhere 1-on-1.

I rely on him a lot as I have no friends so nobody to talk to etc. after being with the dc all day I wait for him to come home to have some adult company however as soon as he comes home he’s grumpy and always in a mood. He NEVER says hello or even ‘hi’ to me when he comes home, regardless of how much effort I put to make the home look clean, food cooked for him etc. I get so excited for him to come home but he ruins the mood instantly and seems unhappy to see me?

he doesn’t talk to me. The only things he talks to me about is whatever HE wants to speak about or something that revolves around him. Sometimes I get excited and try to tell him something and he either doesn’t hear me or is on his phone and completely uninterested in what I have to say.

today I got upset and let out my emotions (not in the most productive way), cried telling him how I want him to just say ‘hello’ when he comes home, that he doesn’t spend any time with me, that I have no friends and all I look forward to is him and he makes no effort for me etc. instead of seeing my point and how I feel, he got annoyed and told me I am ‘stressing him out’.

this evening he was watching tv with dc whilst I was busy doing something (in the same room). I got excited about something and started telling him, even said his name 3 times. He didn’t even hear me! It’s like he is completely switched off to me. He continued texting someone on his phone and I just feel embarrassed and stopped talking. Even when I mentioned this to him after he was completely unbothered and didn’t even ask me to repeat myself. instead he continues on his phone, has the time to reply to other people but not me.

I spend 95% of my time alone without him. This surely isn’t how a relationship should be?? Aren’t we supposed to be in love? Want to see eachother? Want to talk to eachother? Want to support eachother mentally/emotionally/physically etc? I listen to everything he says, anything he ever wants to talk about, even when I’m not interested I still listen to him.

i feel so lonely and unwanted in this relationship and genuinely wonder if it’s fixable?

lol you must have been so disappointed, just the one visit to pottery class then 😏

Yes just the 1...i made a wonky 'rustic' (wabi sabi i say 😂) completely unusable side plate... Never went back for it... never signed it...cant be identified. Win 👍

You can’t even blame it on being distracted by the handsome teacher lol, more fun to make something wonky and random anyway 😆.

For all you know it’s sitting above his fireplace now, unlikely though with your wabi sabi 🤣

Antiques roadshow... 70 years from now....
"Its been in a drawer for years and no one in family wants to inherit it..nor likes it".
presenter: "Very rustic arts and crafts side ensemble..i suppose you'd like to know what its worth?"
"Yes please"
Presenter " i suggest you insure it for....(long pause to build anticipation).....
..."..£2.34".
Gasps from spectators

£2.34! Being very generous aren’t we lol

Mind if I were to pm you?, seem a good laugh 😆

F

@JasonJuly thats insurance cost.. because its irreplaceable! (Hopefully)😁.
Yes oc you can pm me...im off bed now. Nn. Sorry for hijacking OP XXX

As others have said, you need to work on getting a social circle and having something in your life outside of the home and relationship.

Your kids are at school, you don't need to spend all day at home cooking and cleaning. Do less, do simpler meals. Start making sure everyone puts their stuff away when they come home, and they start learning to do a few chores for themselves. Make room in your routine for work and external life.

Start focusing on upskilling for your return to work, start applying, do some volunteering, join some clubs or classes.

It's probably scary but you're in a rut and being so dependent on your dh for company means it probably feels quite a pressure on him. Having more going on for yourself will make you happier and might take the pressure off so improve your relationship. If not, at least you'll be happier.

LTB

What a miserable life

If he cannot lift himself for you or DD, then it also might be the case he is depressed or struggling mentally with his own image or work etc. is there family whom you can confide in to see if they have noticed this change as well?

Ask him to seek help and if he is offended by the suggestion, I fear the relationship isn't savable, but if you're right and he breaks down, you might well just have saved him. Even if the love is absent, do it for DD.

Thank you everyone.

I know my next step is to get a job, which I am working on, and I need to find a way to somehow socialise. I’m not an overly sociable person, I enjoy just being with dp and the kids but with dp working constantly and not spending time with me I don’t want to rely on him. he works until 10pm most nights.

he just seems to be miserable around me. I know couples go through ups and downs but this is every. Single. Day. At the moment. I feel like my presence alone annoys him, even if I ask him a question he responds rudely and angrily. At this stage I feel so unwanted and unliked by him. I have got to the point where I rather avoid him, stay out of his way as I feel terrible and don’t want to put myself in someone’s way that clearly doesn’t want me around them.

I really feel heartbroken if I’m honest. It’s such a horrible feeling inside to feel unwanted or feel like I am hated.. that’s how I feel

Where is your family? Are any of them close by so that you can hang out with them? Could you try and reconnect with old friends?

Oh dear, sounds like you need to plan for the worst in regard to your relationship if he's being so unpleasant. Sorry OP.

Is he definitely working all those hours? If he has changed so much in demeanour, I'd be wondering if perhaps his head has been turned and that accounts for his bad attitude towards you.

OP you need to stop to be needy of him and start to be needy of your own self.

Of course you can make friends, of course you can get out that unhealthy relationship, of course you will feel better when you find back your self worth. Of course you can go somewhere with your child a meet people.

Step by step and a day after another.

You don't need him. In fact he is of no help, his actions around you are just making you feel even worse.

Deep breath and now that you have identify your problem and he is a big part of your problem, start working in a solution.

Your big mistake in life was using him as your only social outlet. Just being with him and foregoing friends, is not healthy.
Tbf, some of this situation you have created by your unwillingness to socialise. Your DC are school age, so what happened with mother and baby clubs, activity clubs for preschool, soft play places etc. Did you not take them anywhere and chat to other mothers? Have you not socialised your DC's before school? It's a tad odd that you've had years with your DC's to connect with other mums, but not done. Now they are in school, why not get involved with school life, help with fetes, fundraising etc. there's always lots to get involved with.
Your fella is another matter. Did he always work till 10? Do you know where he is? Is he really working those hours?
Looks like he had DC's for you rather than wanting to parent himself. If he's on his phone a lot and tuned out, he could have interests elsewhere.
Carve your own path, start making friends, go back to work. It's in your interests as this does not look like a relationship with legs currently. You need to be more independent, you are too reliant on him.

Take my earlier advice op. You need to make him remember the woman he net the one who's been hidden by kids and husband. The children are at school there's no need to cook clean all day long do at least 3 classes per week there's a lot of morning yoga etc build your confidence. I do pole fitness that really does build your confidence and body gets in super shape. Get happy with you and he will wonder wth is going on. Remember the early day... Men lose interest when it becomes too easy for them. Don't message him don't call him for needless reasons. Have a night out with friend/ sister anyone a neighbour.. just find your fun again and you'll be much happier xx find myself wishing I didn't have to work ft now I miss my morning socials with school mums have you not met anyone at school? Lots of other mums will be similar. Why's he working until 10 o'clock that will not be helpful maybe if he can cut back change hours I mean he must be completely fed up and exhausted if that's regular and won't help either of you x