Adult parent relationship - normal behaviour?

[bakingmummy21]

My (40F) relationship with my DM (79F) has for the past 10 years or so been quite challenging. In summary I think she has struggled as I have moved out and got my own life, job, DH etc. which ultimately has meant less time for her and less involvement from her. A lot of our big arguments have centred around things she wanted control over and I feel some of her behaviour is control in disguise like buying excessive amounts of clothes for our DC (and then saying we won’t need to buy any). She has also accused me of not liking her when I bought her an insufficient (read not expensive enough) birthday present one year.

I feel she also uses a lot of guilt tactics for example if I don’t call her or don’t say the right thing. I’m quite introverted and I’ll be honest not great at communicating, and I hate confrontation so sometimes I maybe don’t react in the same way to things as she might.

The latest situation is she messaged me to give me some news about a family member, and tell me on their next visit they could only stay 1 night and then she also mentioned having an operation in the new year as a result of some tests. I’d had a really long day at work so I typed a quick reply saying that it was good news about family member and the plans for their next stay were fine. I (in hindsight stupidly) didn’t mention the operation. TBH I was exhausted and didn’t really have the head space to process it, and I knew I’d get the full details next time we spoke.

Next morning I get a message from my step dad having a massive go at me for not mentioning the operation or asking any questions and saying I need to be more compassionate and communicate better. Also saying my DM “does lots for me and the kids” and that “something is going on with me I need to spit it out or move on”.

I then sent a message to DM saying I was sorry for not replying properly the night before, was sorry to hear about the op, hoped she was feeling ok about it etc etc. But I’m now being given the silent treatment.

I just know I’ll be given the full guilt trip soon about how she feels I don’t care about her, how she’s nearly 80 etc. I feel nothing I say will be good enough, I’ve apologised and I’m not sure what else I can say, I’m not willing to grovel or beg for her forgiveness. I also feel her behaviour is a bit childish and at 40 I’m kind of over being “told off” for my behaviour.

Just really looking for a sanity check, is this type of behaviour normal / acceptable from parents as a grown up? I certainly hope I won’t treat my own DC like this when they are older irrespective of how they behave.

That's probably a bad example as people generally get more anxious as they are particularly about their health and for her daughter to ignore that detail on the text completely was pretty cruel so I'm not surprised she is very hurt .

Regardless of how tired I felt, if either of my parents sent such a text I'd text back or ring back straight away.

It might just be the way you have worded your post, but you seem more concerned about the drama of the text situation then you do about your DM operation/health. I'd be inclined to agree with the poster before me. You only get one Mum.

@bakingmummy21 in contrast to the two posters above I get it. You weren’t cruel- you were tired, and processing the news. You don’t owe anyone the ‘right’ response, and your DM sounds exhausting. Guilt isn’t a positive basis for a relationship- you might want to check out the stately homes thread - more posters there will understand.

You were tired, you missed it, you've apologised. That's finished.

Any silent treatment is manipulative and childish and should be ignored. If your dm doesn't want to talk for the next week or so, fine, her choice. Just ignore her silly attention-seeking games and enjoy a week of peace with your family.

She'll get over it - or you'll have an even more peaceful 2024. 🙂

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.
I don't know how tired I would have to be to miss the detail of an operation in a message, it would definitely seem like you deliberately ignored her about it especially as you made mention of the good news!
She is not being unreasonable to be hurt by your message but the step father getting Involved and then ignoring you about it is childish.
You both sound like hardwork to me.

Did you miss the bit about the operation or did you ignore it?

You've apologised for not replying fully, she's sulking. Maybe she's more worried about the op than she's letting on, but I'd just enjoy the peace and quiet this weekend until she stops sulking.

Some things are unimportant here eg the clothes buying for your DC ( just accept her gifts graciously) and some are more important, the op being one of them. I expect she did feel upset you hadn't acknowledged that in her text, even if to say you were sorry and would phone her the the next day to chat. Does she see lots of you and the children, do you make sure she's involved? Re the silent treatment, she will have a little sulk and then come around l'm sure, you've apologised, maybe send her some flowers too. Going forward try to work out what is actually going on here. Is she controlling or is she feeling left out?

It’s a bit of both to be honest. Obviously I read the message and typed a reply but it probably didn’t really sink in. I do acknowledge this was a miss on my part and as mentioned I have apologised.

Is she wrong, though? You do sound like you don’t like her.

maybe try to let things go a bit more?

if the worst behavior is to buy clothing for your kids, well …

silent treatment for not addressing her news in text is passive aggressive in the extreme, and would really piss me off, though, to be sure.

text is difficult, and she is being childish.

I do think they can become kids as they age - but I try to remember I was a kid and they raised me - and all the frustrating things that went along with that - and I just try to be patient.

They live 3 hours from us so no we don’t see them lots, they also go abroad for 5-6 weeks at a time 3 times a year (outside of school hols so this never overlaps with our own holidays). They don’t do any childcare or babysitting so I wouldn’t say they are “involved” with the kids. I’d say we usually see them maybe 4-5 times a year.

Use the silent treatment in your favour.
I also second going on to the Stately homes thread.

In your message you mention her being controlling several times - around you progressing with your life, with buying lots of clothes for your children so 'you don't have to' and now the silent treatment. Has she always been like this? Are you introverted and 'not great at communicating' or have you just been taught your voice isn't as important?

On the face of it, forgetting to mention the operation seems something not very nice to do, but you've recognised that and apologised. Note that she sent your step dad to 'tell you off' though, instead of talking to you directly. I'm not convinced this is six of one half a dozen of the other.

Yes we do have a somewhat difficult relationship, it’s too much to go into on here really but there are some things she’s said and done in the past which although I’ve moved on from, I’ve found hard to forget (not trying to drip feed but it’s a long story, involves comments about my DH etc). This isn’t the first time I have unintentionally said or done the wrong thing and provoked an argument. I am starting to resent my DSD getting involved though with that kind of message. I would have thought a text / call from DM saying she is hurt / upset I didn’t mention the op would be much more effective but as mentioned she is sulking. That’s assuming she didn’t send the text from his phone.

She has become increasingly controlling since I became independent I feel. But yes the silent treatment is often used in these circumstances and usually I have to break the ice. I think I may send some flowers and then message again to see if she wants to Skype tomorrow as usual (which I assume she will because she will want to see DGC). So yes I was wrong here (which I don’t deny) but I feel I have to really grovel to get her to speak to me again. I wish she could just accept the apology and then we can move on.

Thanks I haven’t heard of this stately homes thread?! I’ll check it out.

No don’t apologise , send flowers or arrange for her to speak to your children leave her to her silent treatment. Mine is currently doing it I have finally had enough after 40 years of similar behaviour including when I was a child have left her to it this time we are on a year and a half. It has taught me that her moods are more important than her grandchildren and that she really is a horrible person x

I think with the message you received my focus would have been replying on her operation rather than the other family member. It’s difficult. I think it depends on how she treats you too. My DH has a family member who likes attention if they have a medical issue going on, but they are cruel, dismissive and unsupportive when it’s the other way around and it’s happening to someone else. We find it very difficult to feel sympathy for her in return as a result of her behaviour. Is your mum like that?

Sorry to hear and I feel your pain. I don’t want to end up in this situation but I do fear it is maybe inevitable (if not this time but it’s bound to reoccur in the future).

Op, it's totally fine to not like your Mother. People on here who have lovely Mums sometimes find it difficult to comprehend because 'it's your blessed mother you gave life to you and cared for you and raised you like a saint' when actually, some Mums can be unpleasant people.

Yes, she's worried about the op but why does your stepfather need to berate you like a child?

Ask yourself - honestly- what does she bring to your life? Is she usually kind, good company, caring. You may find the good outweighs the bad- in which case, try and repair that relationship. You may find that actually, she makes you feel small and crappy. In which case, use the mute button on Whatsapp and stop sending flowers when she does the silent treatment.

Take some time to try and be clearheaded about the way she treats you overall. Put aside 'she's my Mum' and try and think about how she treats you and makes you feel. You don't need to have a big fall out but you can try and minimise how she can hurt your feelings.

Hmm it’s not really occurred as obviously they are older and have more health issues but I would say not. DM is in my opinion quite needy and entitled generally but obviously this does become worse when health related issues arise. I should also add I’m an only child which I don’t think helps generally when dealing with parent demands.

You have every right to want whatever kind of relationship you want with your mother, just as she has with you.

Mumsnet has changed quite a bit over the years, in line with society in general, whereby posters tend to respond from a position of deciding who is wrong and who is right.

From your perspective, OP, you think your mum wants to have more influence and control over you life then you want. You are trying to create more distance, she is experiencing this as you not loving her.

It is possible to love someone and to want different boundaries in place than them. This doesn't mean you love them less than someone who is comfortable with more enmeshed relationships but it is common for people to feel unloved by loved ones who prefer different boundaries to those they want/ feel comfortable with.

It sounds as if she, like many people, think love and care involves responding quickly and directly to her upset and you would prefer to respond when you have had time to process it.

Perhaps you can tell your mum that you love her dearly and her happiness and health matter a lot to you. You realise that she misinterprets some of your communication preferences as being a sign that you don't care or love her. You could ask her if there is a 'holding message' you can send her when needing space and time that will remind her that you love her when not providing a full response straight away.

If she refuses to do this and insists on the communication being as she wants, this would suggest she either has difficulty accepting difference (many people hold very rigid beliefs about, 'if they truly loved me they would....,) or has difficulty accepting your boundaries.

Each of those options require a different approach

If the operation and tests things were such big news for her, why did she tack it onto the end of a message all about someone coming to visit, how long they were staying etc etc? If something like that was so important for her, then why not mention it at the beginning of the message, or just text you all about that instead of wittering on about something trivial first?

I can see both sides. My mum sounds a lot like yours. It's like walking on eggshells most of the time trying to say the right thing. But also I messaged my middle dd last week to say the doctor wants my to have an MRI on my brain. No response. Next message I had from her was arranging babysitting for my dgs. I'm not really that upset as this is classic dd. She even does it to her sisters. Your mum is sulking. Mine does the same. But send her some flowers as I'm sure she will love them. As mums we do like to be thought of and not always be the giver for our children.

This is sort of my thought that it is the type of info where maybe she should have asked me to call her to tell me (which she has done in the past for “big news”). But then it’s not for me to dictate how she tells me, it’s her news and maybe she felt better telling me over text, maybe she wasn’t ready to talk about it.

This is in contrast to when I texted her to tell them I was pregnant with my second baby and sent her a scan photo, I got an earful about how it wasn’t appropriate to tell them that news over text and I should have called 🙄