Adult parent relationship - normal behaviour?

[bakingmummy21]

My (40F) relationship with my DM (79F) has for the past 10 years or so been quite challenging. In summary I think she has struggled as I have moved out and got my own life, job, DH etc. which ultimately has meant less time for her and less involvement from her. A lot of our big arguments have centred around things she wanted control over and I feel some of her behaviour is control in disguise like buying excessive amounts of clothes for our DC (and then saying we won’t need to buy any). She has also accused me of not liking her when I bought her an insufficient (read not expensive enough) birthday present one year.

I feel she also uses a lot of guilt tactics for example if I don’t call her or don’t say the right thing. I’m quite introverted and I’ll be honest not great at communicating, and I hate confrontation so sometimes I maybe don’t react in the same way to things as she might.

The latest situation is she messaged me to give me some news about a family member, and tell me on their next visit they could only stay 1 night and then she also mentioned having an operation in the new year as a result of some tests. I’d had a really long day at work so I typed a quick reply saying that it was good news about family member and the plans for their next stay were fine. I (in hindsight stupidly) didn’t mention the operation. TBH I was exhausted and didn’t really have the head space to process it, and I knew I’d get the full details next time we spoke.

Next morning I get a message from my step dad having a massive go at me for not mentioning the operation or asking any questions and saying I need to be more compassionate and communicate better. Also saying my DM “does lots for me and the kids” and that “something is going on with me I need to spit it out or move on”.

I then sent a message to DM saying I was sorry for not replying properly the night before, was sorry to hear about the op, hoped she was feeling ok about it etc etc. But I’m now being given the silent treatment.

I just know I’ll be given the full guilt trip soon about how she feels I don’t care about her, how she’s nearly 80 etc. I feel nothing I say will be good enough, I’ve apologised and I’m not sure what else I can say, I’m not willing to grovel or beg for her forgiveness. I also feel her behaviour is a bit childish and at 40 I’m kind of over being “told off” for my behaviour.

Just really looking for a sanity check, is this type of behaviour normal / acceptable from parents as a grown up? I certainly hope I won’t treat my own DC like this when they are older irrespective of how they behave.

It sounds as if your mum is trying to be part of your life , but you are holding her at arms length. Berating her for buying your kids clothes, trying to be supportive and caring too much.
How would you feel if your kids behaved like this to you when you are older?
She’s trying to have a relationship with you. Telling you about something she’s worried about, operations have risk especially at 80 but you are blaming her .

I lost my mum and this probably has coloured my response . But you do sound pretty self absorbed.

No it's not normal. Being a bit offended because you didn't mention the operations probably more normal, but her ott reaction with the silent treatment and her husband having a go at you... that is not normal.

She sounds like extremely hard work, manipulative and controlling.
I understand how this feels and I don't not blame anyone for going low contact with relatives who behave like this. Its what they deserve. Respect and compassion works two ways. If its you who's constantly worrying how to make someone happy and how not to offend them.. whilst they couldn't give two shits about how they are emotionally effecting you, then it is time to seriously withdraw.
Do the bare minimum out of duty but have strong boundaries. Do not allow her to be as involved in your life. Protect yourself and tour children. It's not okay to be emotionally abused like this.

Your mother sounds like a controlling child and she’s getting your stepfather to join in. Any response you gave would’ve been picked over and criticised x

I can understand her being upset you didn’t respond to the operation message.

However silent treatment and getting her husband to phone you are not normal healthy adult behaviours. It’s sounds very manipulative and controlling and I’m not surprised you’re tired of it.

That's an amazing post @Brainworm

Thanks @Dancingwithducks

In the past couple of years I have spent a lot of time with autistic people. I have learned so much from this experience in terms of there being a wide range preferred ways of interacting and the assumptions and attributions that we easily make when others don't conform to our expectations of 'reasonable responses'.

The biggest take away for me has been to not fill the void created by no, or a limited, response with assumptions or inferences relating to what this means. It's amazing how easy it is to assume our inferences are facts.

yes, it is, and it's easy to keep on making that mistake too!

What you say fits from the sound of it @bakingmummy21 's mother has a very defined set of expectations such as needing a present of a certain value from BakingMummy to prove her love - a rigid mindset and inability to understand that BakingMummy simply sees things a bit differently.

Though ... @bakingmummy21, you said your stepfather said "spit it out or move on" ... you also said the relationship had become more strained the last years as you feel she's not perhaps giving you the space to be the parent you want by doing things like buying clothes for you (I may be completely misinterpreting that) and also by you simply having less time (but not no time) for her as you have your own adult life. Could this be what your stepfather means? They've seen the changes and that's the problem?

I wonder as well, could the excess clothes buying be a sort of way of trying to help and forcing a sort of closeness too, that feels like controlling behaviour even if it's not?

The excess clothes buying I think is just the way she is. Loves shopping and loves a bargain. She has no hobbies as such and as far as I can tell spends her days pottering around shopping, be that groceries or clothes. I find it hugely frustrating as there is just so much of it. However I have made my peace with it and I do politely accept. It’s not a reason to fall out over IMO. I think there’s also a need to feel appreciated. We just have differing views on what’s helpful I guess.

I’ve spent this evening mulling over our recent relationship and there’s definitely a pattern of getting DSD involved to message me and the silent treatment (last time I was messaging and calling her for 3 days with no reply before I realised I’d inadvertently upset her and she was ignoring me).

Spoken to DH tonight and am considering apologising again tomorrow (as I do agree my behaviour was inconsiderate on this occasion) but also mentioning that her reaction and message from DSD isn’t really acceptable.

@Pumpkinpie1 it’s a good call out and I think I am probably a bit self absorbed. DC are 5, 3 and 1 and I work full time. Maybe that’s not really a justification for being a bit inward looking, but life is full on and I often feel maxed out in terms of demands for my time both physically and emotionally. It’s not an excuse for my response to the message though and I do see that.
But selfishly I do also feel that DM doesn’t do anything really to help us with DC (apart from buying stuff). I’m surrounded my friends who have DGP on hand to babysit for days / evenings / overnights whether they live locally or not but that offer is never made. When they come and visit the expectation is that I will make plans for us all to do something so it’s yet another thing on my to do list.
I will however try and be a bit more aware of myself in future though!