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Original poster

Difficult situation with sister and childcare

38 replies

GiraffeInABath · 24/11/2023 12:50

Slightly unusual one but need advice.
My DSIS found out her husband was cheating (for the third time/third woman) three weeks ago. DSIS lives in a beautiful rural village, 30 mins drive from the nearest train station and DNiece attends a school which is 35mins drive in the opposite direction. All was fine when married to BIL as BIL worked from home so was responsible for school runs/was home in the evening.
DSIS has a very demanding pressured job which doesn’t exist outside of London so she has to commute and often isn’t home until 23:00/midnight then leaves again at 6am.

Since telling BIL to leave, she doesn’t have childcare. I initially was very supportive and did the school runs/slept over. I’m continuing to do this, however it’s become more difficult as DSIS’s work plans change at the last minute meaning she requires childcare on days I’ve agreed to meet friends etc. DNiece is just 5 years old so too young for the school bus and there is still the issue of needing an adult in the house when DSIS leaves for her commute at 6am.
How did I speak to DSIS about how she plans to manage long term? It’s only 3 weeks since it happened so I want to tread very carefully but also feeling exhausted as I’ve only slept at my own house twice in the three weeks (don’t have my own DC) and haven’t really had ‘down time’ between caring for my niece and my job.
Should I wait a bit longer? Realistically DSIS needs two live in full time nannies on opposite shifts, second option is moving house to a commuter town and moving DNiece’s school, however would srilk
need early morning and evenings covered whilst she’s so young.
BIL seems to have forgotten he’s a father and hasn’t offered any help.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 24/11/2023 13:06

Oh gosh that is difficult, particularly as we're heading towards December and there may be social events you'll want to go to.

I think you need to have an honest but compassionate conversation with your Dsis. Tell her how much you can do and for how long, but also what you can't do. I wouldn't spell out her options, as there may be ones you haven't thought of.

Epidote · 24/11/2023 13:06

Your sister need to get a mid term plan and a long term plan. In the long term the actual arrangement is not possible. She need to look to a nanny and in the long run she may need to move house closer to her job to minimise the commuting, or closer to the daughter school. There may be childminders, extra curricular activities etc you niece can do an au pair also do it for a few hours a day.
I would continue helping her if I were you, she needs you now not only to take care of your niece. However I would speak with her and help her to make a mid term plan and a long term one.

If the father of your niece wants a relationship with her he will need to step in. Either way he should be paying mantainance.

Everything is very recent now.

drspouse · 24/11/2023 13:14

Is ex BIL having DN some of the time? Could your DSis ever WFH/temporarily make her hours more 9-5 and you could drop at breakfast club/she could pick up from after school club?
I agree she needs to move but realistically this isn't going to happen before Christmas but that's also the kind of time frame over which her employer wouldn't get too antsy about a temporary change in work patterns.

If she was out of the house maybe 7-7 then a CM would probably work, or a live in nanny.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 24/11/2023 13:23

Honestly it sounds like they've both forgotten they are parents. Having a job where you are out of the house 18 hours a day is never going to work with a child. Maybe her ex just got fed up with living like a single parent (although he shouldn't have cheated).

You will probably need to be blunt with your sister that this cannot be a long term solution. Maybe give her a date when you need her to have a new arrangement in place.

FloofCloud · 24/11/2023 13:31

She needs to stop, sit down and work out with her treacherous husband what he's going to do to support his child. You can't sustain this, and it's their responsibility to get their shit sorted. I suspect your sister has her head buried but she needs to take action and responsibility. Can she do any WFH? Can she have her child at weekends? It doesn't sound like she's able to see her in the week anyway so it may be better for her to be the weekend parent if she can't commit any of her home life during the week to the child

GloriousGoosebumps · 24/11/2023 14:44

It's only been three weeks so I'd be surprised if your sister wasn't still in a state of shock. So for that reason I think it's too soon for you to be talking to her about the future but that doesn't mean you can't start thinking about her options. Does she earn enough to employ a nanny? Can your parents or the paternal grandparents help out so it doesn't all fall to you? Child support is the one area where I do think you need to talk to her now. If her soon to be ex will not pay her a reasonable amount of child support, she needs to lodge a claim now because it can't be backdated.

Gnomegnomegnome · 24/11/2023 14:47

Just be honest on the days that you have plans. ‘Can’t do Tuesday sorry!’

Shinyandnew1 · 24/11/2023 14:50

This is not sustainable-your sister needs a different plan. I would tell her you want to be back in your own house.

Is she out of the house 6am till midnight every day?
Is there a closer school (school bus for primary makes it sounds like you are not in England?)

Perhaps the child would be better off staying with the dad as things can’t really carry on like this.

Torganer · 24/11/2023 15:00

What a horrible situation for your SIL. Looks like her ex is going to be no help, so she’ll probably have to move to London and get some proper support in the form of a nanny or similar. Five is a good time to change schools as it’s very early on. Shame her husband is so useless.

khaa2091 · 24/11/2023 15:01

First line as a temporary manoeuvre - do you /S-I-l know any sensible and obliging a level or university students who are about to start Christmas holidays? Even if they don’t drive can you organise a school run / taxi in the short term? What the Christmas holiday childcare plan?

I agree this is not sustainable long term for anybody, but I can see why your S-I-l can’t get her head around it in the meantime.
Going forwards, the child’s father needs to contribute either care or money. Can your sil afford a nanny, will the house need to be sold at which point can a more practical address work?
I am the single mother to a 2 yr old, living a 75 min commute from work and working nights /weekends etc. I’m lucky enough to have supportive (but some non driving) family nearby and have a nanny 6:30-7 3 days a week, some nights. I also have an obliging local teenager, number of backup plans etc.

It annoys me intensely that this child’s father seems to have opted out of childcare and who knows what else.

You are an absolute star but difficult conversations are going to need to be had.

parietal · 24/11/2023 15:22

If SIL could get a short term live in nanny, that would tide her over for a few months. That is effectively what you are doing. Then she will have to come up with a long term plan and move.

LIZS · 24/11/2023 15:26

Is bil still seeing his dd? Surely she should not just let him abdicate all responsibility for the logistics? Agree a nanny may be a solution though.

UncleHerbie · 24/11/2023 15:57

It’s the OPs sister, not sister in law …

GreatGateauxsby · 24/11/2023 16:03

She needs to ask work for an accommodations request and mid /longer term she prob needs to move or get a live in nanny of some sort.

its completely unreasonable to expect you to be de facto childcare.

i think you need to be unavailable occasionally so she starts to understand natural consequence.

also while her marriage is falling apart (which is hard) it’s not a bolt from the blue/shock of the century.

AdoraBell · 24/11/2023 16:08

I also think your DSis should hire a nanny and the father should look after his child too.

museumum · 24/11/2023 16:26

She needs a live in nanny asap and she needs to compromise in her job. Her poor dd has lost her dad, she needs to see her mum some nights in the week. I think you need to sit down with her and discuss starting nanny recruitment now with a view to them starting right after Xmas. Meanwhile whatever agency she uses for this might be able to provide temporary ad hoc cover for the next few weeks but your ds should be asking for as much leave as possible to support her poor dd.

OhComeOnFFS · 24/11/2023 16:28

Her hours are just ridiculous when she has a young child.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/11/2023 16:32

A 35 minute drive to school is bonkers for a 5 year old-what schools are closer?

Keepinmovin · 24/11/2023 16:32

Does she have a MIL or your mum who could help step-in short term?
Either way neither of you can sustain this for much longer. Maybe she needs to take a leave of absence from work to sort it out

Soontobe60 · 24/11/2023 16:34

Why isnt your niece being looked after by her father???

FloweryName · 24/11/2023 16:36

I don’t think it’s too soon to talk to her, the thought must have crossed her mind already. She’s probably hoping for your support for as long as she can get it so she waiting for you to bring it up.

If she’s capable of doing her stressful job more than full time, she’s capable of having the conversation with you.

AuntieJoyce · 24/11/2023 16:38

Soontobe60 · 24/11/2023 16:34

Why isnt your niece being looked after by her father???

Exactly. Where the fuck is he? If he is responsible for childcare, he should be coming to the house so he can provide it then slinking back to whatever rock he’s staying under.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/11/2023 16:40

If your sister has been out of the house 6am to midnight working, then her husband was doing the majority of the childcare. It might have made sense for your niece to remain with him.

I presume you have your own house/life/job/friends and don’t want to provide long term wraparound care for your sister, so need to tell her this.

What will happen in a few weeks when she’s off school for 2 weeks?

Octavia64 · 24/11/2023 16:44

Hmm

Sounds like she's exploiting you. Clearly this won't last.

If she's doing the kind of job that requires those hours then she can probably afford a nanny.

In which case she has a number of options :

Get a nanny (or two)
Let niece live with bil (who by the sounds of it did most of the childcare)
Move closer so fewer childcare hours required

I suspect she'll be happy to exploit you for as long as you let it last.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 24/11/2023 16:46

ask if you can have some time at the weekend to talk over coffee, with 5 year old entertained by someone, or when she's gone to bed. just have to be honest .. say you really want to support her, and also know this isn't a sustainable plan for her, for you, or for her daughter. That you haven't slept in own bed for 3 weeks. Ask her if she has had any thoughts, or ideas - and tell her that you know it must be really difficult, that you want to support as much as you can, but think that what you have done is about support in crisis time, but a different plan needs to be thought about for going forward. What are her thoughts ??? keep it with her .. not with you, to solve.
you can't sustain working and taking that role - in effect it's the parental role, and she needs to think about how she picks it up if the fatehr has gone awol.

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