Don't know what to do

[Welcometothedigitalcircus]

Been with bf 2 years. 15 year age difference. He denies it but is very insecure and constantly criticises everything about me.

If I tell him something positive I did or want to do he says how he's done it so many times and it's rubbish. If I tell him something getting to me and why even if not about us it feels like he actively tries to fuel my sadness. Example I mentioned I'm insecure about my body and within hours he discusses models he fancies, how he can get any girl. He also criticises my driving a lot as he knew it took a lot of confidence for me to drive and I feel like he is actively trying to make me insecure and upset so he's the better one??

He used to feel so threatened about me being younger convinced I'd leave for someone else, hates me having male friends and says how awful women are constantly as we no longer conform to traditional roles.

I'm really despising him. He has been away 3 weeks so I've been doing my own thing and it's come to a head as I realise I don't miss him and since hearing from him I have a knot in my stomach.

Can I just take it as over, no need to tell him anything and leave it?

You can do whatever you like. You owe him nothing. It's best to have no communication with him at all. Just be careful, especially if he knows where you live, because men like him don't take kindly to being dumped/called out on their behaviour/questioned/anything other than shown deference to.

Leave as fast as you can

Relationships should make you happy. This one doesn’t.
Why are you trying to engage with him when you’ve admitted you’ve been happier and less stressed these last 3 weeks without him.
No relationship is better than an abusive controlling one like this.
Block him and walk away

I only read the first paragraph. Dump him.

What do you need?

How is it not obvious what you need to do?

As stupid as it sounds I do love him the nice him and its sp confusing and upsetting when this happens. If someone else was writing this I would be thinking it's so obvious what to do. I hate that I can't talk to him about anything and he goes off on one. I do want to know why he's blocked me but think it's to cause maximum upset.

There is no nice him to love! You can only love a whole person, you can't split them up into loveable parts and nasty ones. This is who he is. Do you love the whole him?

He’s horrible, controlling, manipulating and criticising, you’re happier without him. I’d just assume it’s over and tell him that via text if he unblocks you and gets back in touch. I’m assuming you don’t have any items you need at his or him at yours?

Also his actions may be rooted in insecurity but his words and actions are absolutely not acceptable. You don’t have to take them just because it’s (supposedly) coming from a place of suffering. You can be insecure without being a total arse to the person you are meant to love.

The nice bits are to reel you in. If he showed you the real him from day I’ve you wouldn’t have touched him with a 6foot pole so he shows you what he wants you to see to keep you dangling.

Hes got you stressing about why he’s blocked you and that’s exactly what he wants.

It’s very hard but please block him back and walk away. This won’t get any better and the more you tolerate this behaviour, the more control he has over you.

He sounds really horrible. I was also going to say that he will be hard to finish with. He will beg and plead and when he realises you are serious he will get nasty.

Thanks. I'm still upset but feeling a bit stronger.

I've locked his chats on whatsapp so if he does contact me I can't see it. I have a rolling contract for phone so have decided to get a new sim and new number and let current one just expire. The only reason I'm not blocking him is because I know he wants to provoke upset and he'll know he has if he sees and as childish as it is I don't want him to feel any power over me as he has admitted in the past he says and does certain things to make me uncomfortable.

But seriously I'm walking. Even a shitty break up is better than this limbo.

Listen to your gut, it tells you the truth.

He’s controlling and manipulative and has been trying to break down your confidence. No loving partner does this do they? Giving you the silent treatment is meant to make you want to make it up… get your new sim asap and have no more to do with him!

There is no nice him thats part of the manipulation to make you question yourself over his bad behaviour and accepting him

You dont love him, you have a trauma bond with him, his abusive behaviour is designed to create this dependency. Cold turkey on contact and help with self esteem, healthy boundaries and recognising abuse.

Well handled. He's done the work for you, now you move on and don't look back

@Welcometothedigitalcircus

The only reason I'm not blocking him is because I know he wants to provoke upset and he'll know he has if he sees and as childish as it is I don't want him to feel any power over me as he has admitted in the past he says and does certain things to make me uncomfortable.

But by NOT blocking him you are giving him that power because you are worried about his reaction.

Blocking him is your choice, done because you want to do it. Not blocking him shows you care about his reaction. The opposite of love is indifference and that is what you need to strive for. Block him because that is what you want to do. You mustn't care about his reaction. Who gives a shit what he thinks.

OK so it's better to block ill do that.

I have ordered new sim and cancelled old one so even if he tries to use other numbers to contact me he can't (he's done this before with another ex).

He also installed a dashcam in my car despite me saying several times not to. Can I just throw it?

He's a narcissist and is gaslighting you. By blocking and unblocking you he is causing you to doubt what's happening and causing you to want to speak to him. I'm so glad you have decided to get out now. Don't allow him to ever get in your head again, he's a bad person and you need to stay far away from him.

Yep, just take it out. If he got it for your car, I presume it was a gift. You can do what you like with unwanted gifts. If he got it to keep tabs on you, I'd still call it a gift and dump it.

If you think he might kick off about it and you would find it easier to return it than deal with that, chuck it in a box and post it to him.

Obviously he is a massive twat and you need to dump him ASAP

Another pathetic and inadequate man who targets a younger woman assuming it'll ease his insecurities amd inadequacies, discovers it doesn't and somehow holds her responsible for the fact he feels inadequate and insecure and so seeks to diminish her to make himself feel better.

Tale as old as time; beauty and the beast...

You've done well to block him and change your number.

I know you think you love him but it isn't love, for whatever reason you're in his thrall and that's the part that you need to explore ie. why you are attracted to a man who hurts you. There is nothing ok about it and you need to do the work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

You could check out the Karpman triangle as a start, see if it rings any bells.

It's ok to come.in here and ask for help. You're right that it seems obvious to us that he is abusive and controlling but when it's happening to you it can be very confusing.

I was married to a man like this. It will leave you questioning your sanity.

The ‘nice guy’ is a facade. The one who refuses to discuss issues, who blocks you when you challenge him..that’s the real him. Abusive men aren’t abusive all the time or it would be easy to leave. He’s controlling, blocking you and leaving you hanging is a way to control your responses..how dare you challenge him? You know for next time if he challenges you, he will intend to do this again. He won’t get better. He’ll get worse. You’ll see less and less of the nice guy til you realise you never knew the real him at all.
I think changing the phone number is a great idea. Make sure with the dash cam it’s not connected to any email accounts (your’s or his!). Flog it. Bin it. Smash it up!

I would recommend doing the Freedom programme online, reading Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft and looking at Caroline Strawson’s social media about recovery from bad relationships.

Just don't speak to him. I am literally hearing bad things about men every single day I'm starting to think they're evil.