Do you get on with almost everyone? I’d love to hear your tips!

[PaprikaPlease]

I really admire the kind of happy-go-lucky person who gets on with pretty much everyone and doesn’t let annoying people bother them. I do think I’m improving in this area with age!

I know a few people who seem to enjoy drama-free relationships with everyone and never get annoyed with relatives at Christmas! I’ve also picked up a few tips from here over the years - like the ‘oh right’ technique and making deflection into a game. But I’d love to hear more!

I firmly believe life’s too short for aggro and would love to hear any tips for dealing with tricky characters, insensitive people, annoying relatives etc

ETA: I love the ‘I speak my mind’ people too and it may well be healthier long term but I’m not interested in this perspective. I’m fascinated by the ‘live and let live’ people who can keep the peace! Life’s diplomats who sail through drama free

The best advice is to not expect anything from anyone and don’t demand anything of or from them. Then you won’t get annoyed or be disappointed with anyone. Just do your own thing and be yourself.

I get along with most people, but that’s not to say I don’t get annoyed. I suppose I try and find a reason why they’ve acted a certain way.

I don’t have any friend or family dramas. Some of the things I read on here just completely shock me! Everyone I spend time with is similar to me really. Apart from colleagues, but any issues there are left at work.

Sometimes I think I’m too much of a yes person, just so I don’t upset anyone, but generally, I’m pretty happy.

At first I thought no, I’m not that person. However I do have lots of friends and actually appear to be that person. I never struggle for invites to social events but I do turn down offers.
I have many friends but I am choosey. There are people who I don’t want to spend my free time with. Most of my close friends I have known a very long time.
I don’t socialise with relatives apart from close family.
Your bil would not be welcome in my inner circle he sounds like a dick. I don’t tolerate fools.
I don’t expect much of others.
I don’t ask for help from work colleagues, I just get on with it and get the work done. Likewise I’m not going on the next works do. I’ve already made my excuses.
I don’t ever ask for help from neighbours either. I’m pleasant and friendly with them but that is where it ends.
My close friends and family are like me. We have the same values.
I’m respectful of others who hold different values but prefer to keep them as acquaintances.

I tend to get on with everyone, and don't have blazing rows/major fallings out/long, simmering resentments/drama, etc. People tend to like me. I tend to make friends and keep them for life (so far). My relationships are stable and loving, and I stay good friends with exes.

Partly I think that's luck (I'm not saying I'm a saint) and partly I think it's:

I'm pretty good at working out people's motivations and why they are behaving in the way they are. Then I can either choose to make them feel happy and relaxed in my company or at least, brush it off. 99 times out of 100, how someone behaves is not about you.

Be generous with praise. Don't be insincere, but if you see something good in someone, point it out. I think the moment when my SIL began to truly like and trust me was when I witnessed her dealing with (what could have been a very embarrassing and public) tantrum with her 4 year old, and later finding a moment to say how masterfully she'd handled it, and how impressed with her parenting I was. Remind your friends of their triumphs.

I have a good model for how people should treat each other, and (usually) quickly work out people who should not be allowed to get any closer.

I have a pretty stable core of self esteem, and although I am always open to new friends, I don't need any one person to fill a void. I have put effort into doing things that make me personally feel happy and fulfilled, and it would take a fairly concerted effort from someone to knock that.

I am not overly invested in how people I'm not that close to see me, or in needing to be right/in charge/have power over people. I can therefore say "mmm, that's interesting" and not rise to bait.

I trust my instincts if I get an 'off' feeling about someone. Don't feel bad about not liking them. It's impossible to like everyone.

I was taught the secret of charm at an early age - it is not making people think you are amazing, it is making them feel amazing when they are with you. Start off treating everyone you meet as if they are worth 5 out of 5.

This isn't about people-pleasing -- although if you are a reformed people pleaser, like me, use those skills for good. You already have a finely tuned radar for other people's emotions, use it for understanding them.

My son doesn't care . If it's nothing to do with him or doesn't affect him he doesn't care . Everyone likes him and takes to him , but underneath he's selfish. He admits this . He's not a grudge holder or is sentimental.

That’s an interesting point @BountySunshine

I tend to think smaller changes can sometimes lead to greater peace, if not happiness. In my 20s I made the decision not to join in with bitching - whether at work or in my personal life. Not even in the name of ‘letting off steam’. I vowed never to gripe about anyone outside of paper (my diary) and I was/am definitely more peaceful for that decision over 15 years later. It wasn’t done in the name of being a better person - I just thought it would make me feel better - and it did.

I can definitely see myself getting cross with myself on this though!

@FineWordsForAPorcupine I’ve taken a lot from your post but especially: ‘99 times out of 100, how someone behaves is not about you’. PP said this too and it’s easy to forget how true it is!

They are usually firmly average people nothing about them triggers insecurity, give good eye contact, have a good smile, voice and body language, all their opinions are neutral and inoffensive, they are calm and don't talk a lot. Basically mild, plain and easy going.

Pretty much

I’m not especially a keep the peace person, I am happy to row with the best of them when there isn’t an alternative and I have a job that tends to involve a lot of interpersonal tension.

But outside of those situations I have pretty universally amicable relationships, and even within this work situation tension is short lived and we generally get on fine.

I like people and I’m interested in what makes them tick. I think most people are broadly well intentioned, and most arsehole behaviour is caused by stress.

I have a handful of close friends of many years whom I love dearly, but I keep my expectations low except when I really need them when they do come through (as I do for them). I am quite low maintenance on contact between catch ups, I don’t take things personally or look to be offended and I think that we are all a bit cracked at times.

I don't like people who don't care and they do end up being selfish. I like people who care about unfairness happening to others even if it doesn't personally affect them, prefer people with integrity, loyalty and empathy other just 'minding my own business'. Sometimes rallying support is what makes the difference. I might sound like a nightmare, wanting to get involved in every cause, I'm really not but being meekly neutral is also infuriating sometimes.... everyone will love you for it until they expect you to take a side and you don't because you prioritise your own peace over justice and fairness... I guess it's about your values and personality. Everything in moderation I guess lol

I think I’m a little bit like this,. It’s not that I like everyone, though, or that I’m particularly likeable. I’m just of a tolerant and amiable disposition. The people who get right on my tits or who I think are uncompromising or fundamentally unkind, I back away from fast and have nothing more to do with them. So there is also quite a black and white side to me as well!

i think it’s partly learned behaviour. I saw that attitude growing up from my mum and thought it was the right thing to do. My dad is much more abrasive and the definition of intolerant but was much less present when I was growing up.

I’m also pretty self sufficient and happy in my own company. I wonder if that helps a bit.

I do get what the previous posters are saying about the potential for blandness and not taking a side. It’s a risk, if you are always mild mannered then you might be sidelined or considered to lack feeling or something…

but actually when I think about the amiable folk in my life, they aren’t like this and neither am I. One is an environmental activist, one is always on political marches … generally their amiability has limits, if you’re a right wing nutter or a selfish arsehole you’re dead to them. There’s different ways to be assertive.

I’ve been thinking along those lines a bit too @FancyMango1 Many of the nice, agreeable people I know would have ended up being nazi collaborators in a different time! It’s not a universally desirable trait. Maybe just something to harness in awkward work or family situations!

It’s interesting that some people are imagining someone quite bland and insipid from my description! I guess a high powered CEO type (of business or a charity) might also need to be very diplomatic and unaffected by the comments of others too. I’m imagining them as all serene and impassive. Maybe that’s inaccurate though - I don’t personally know any people operating at that level.

I'm that person I think. I smile and chat to anyone who wants to chat with me and honestly just try to see a silver lining in any bad situation. Having a sense of humour (and no pride 😂) helps. Top tip: don't badmouth anyone (except to your best friend and family). Also, anyone likes a compliment so I try to say something nice to people if I can.

I'm also definitely not bland (super outgoing and quite loud 😅so hard not to notice me) and I'm also not a coward, but there's absolutely no need to be combative most of the time. Kill them with kindness - they won't see it coming is my motto.

Interestingly my most politically active friend (local councillor, union rep and staff journalist at v. left leaning newspaper) is probably the most easy going, amiable, universally liked person I know @Radiodread I’m glad you reminded me of him!

I don’t trust people who get on with everyone tbh. Must mean either a totally bland personality or they’re very two faced. It’s fine to not like some people as long as you can be professional/courteous etc depending on what type of relationship you have and need to have with them.

Wow funny I also thought bland before reading the other comments 😂

Another person I know who might appear like this is a professional, paid up, mediator.

She is not the bland caricature you’d imagine either, she definitely has views but you wouldn’t necessarily know about those till she lets you in. Personal relations with intractable dickheads have been totally severed!

actually thinking about, I wonder how much is about surrounding yourself with good, composed people and cutting off those who act as life’s drains at source

This describes me exactly! I think I am a good judge of character and have good boundaries so mostly surround myself with people that I like and respect. So there are fewer occasions for annoyance as such. The occasional person I have to deal with through work or community life or extended family that I don't like, I can be polite and pleasant and just try not to let them get to me. I also have a very simple policy of not falling out with people - if they want to fall out with me that's fine but I don't ever go looking for drama or conflict - or to appease people who don't take to me. There are so many great people in the world and many more who are perfectly fine just not my cup of tea that I can't get het up about the few that are actively annoying or mean or unpleasant

Dont gossip. Or if you do don't get caught. 🤣

I get on with most people. I love finding out about different people and their lives and what makes them tick. I think it’s about being curious and understanding. I always remind myself that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. The person who may have annoyed you may have many good reasons for behaving the way the do. So, as PPs have already suggested - their behaviour is rarely about you. And then I start to wonder about how if there’s anything I can do to help them.
I completely agree @FineWordsForAPorcupine that it’s about making people feel amazing. And that starts with respecting their views even when they might not match yours. And if they don’t match I challenge myself to understand more and whether my views are still correct in light of what I learn from them.
I am genuinely interested in learning more about the world and people around me and I think that helps me get on with most.
i probably annoy some people, but that’s fine. I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

On another thread people who are sensitive and empathetic are being absolutely slated, but I believe empathy is a skill that can be developed and it helps me to be able to out myself in the shoes of others to see where they are coming from.

I also default to liking most people generally and believing the best of people generally. That's not to say there aren't plenty of people who irritate me and some who I actively avoid as much as possible for my own sanity, but mostly people are just trying to get their needs met.

Agree with @CostaDelPatio

No irritation is worth making a fool of yourself. It's always best not to hand yourself to someone else on a plate.

I don't know if it's been suggested already but - drugs & alcohol.

I relate to most of the above. I get on with most people. I don’t get into dramas and arguments. I genuinely like people, and trust them. But I’m also realistic - human nature is what it is after all - so I’m not surprised or shocked when people act in their own interests, at the expense of others.

re. Empathy / being empathic. I don’t think I’m particularly sensitive. I’m definitely of the strong boundaries / toughen up way of thinking. If being empathetic means making the effort to find out what’s going on in a persons life before judging them for their behaviour, then yes I do this (seek first to understand / ask the why question / be curious). but if it means taking on someone’s pain / anger / distress to the point that you, yourself, are hurting - that’s not me and I don’t think it’s helpful. If I can’t be a friend to my friend who’s dying of cancer because I’m weeping and wailing about how tragic it all is, then I’m no help to her.