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Original poster

Does this sound like a toxic relationship?

29 replies

Porkpies · 23/11/2023 11:43

I was talking to someone about my relationship with DP recently and they said it sounded toxic... it is difficult because he isn't always like this but behaviour has included:

  • Subtly criticising what I wear, occasionally saying its unflattering or slightly laughing at it
  • Saying harsh things but then denying he's said them or saying I'm overreacting
  • Not reacting/being sympathetic when I've hurt myself or saying I'm making too much of it when I'm ill
  • Criticising what I do around the house, how I do certain domestic things, nothing seems good enough, food cooked in the wrong ways, kitchen cleaned in wrong way (this will all be done subtly)
  • Switching off completely when I talk about my work, not seeming pleased when good things happen for me at work
  • As above for talking about my friends
  • Occasionally calling me names or swearing at me during arguments
  • Sometimes not seeming to care if I get really upset, being very detached when I get emotional
  • Saying I am not sporty/fit enough
  • Blowing hot and cold - sometimes saying he's not sure of his feelings for me, not sure if he's attracted to me
  • A general feeling he doesn't like me

Feel a bit shaky typing all that. There is probably more but I can't think of it all now.

OP posts:
PickledMuffin · 23/11/2023 11:48

It does sound toxic by my opinion. I'm sorry OP. Although, I assume you probably already knew that ☹️

Original poster
Porkpies · 23/11/2023 11:51

Thank you @PickledMuffin - no, I haven't really been aware of it as a 'toxic' relationship tbh - I found that I was physically shaking when I finished typing though, so I think I've been repressing a lot/not realising how it's been affecting me.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 23/11/2023 11:52

It absolutely does !
I hope you have started to make plans for a new life for yourself free of abuse.

Cumbrianlife · 23/11/2023 11:52

'A general feeling he doesn't like me,' and you have to ask? Leave ASAP.

Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 11:55

Yes. Some of those behaviours could qualify as emotional abuse and there’s verbal abuse as well. How long been together and when did it start?

The ultimate test is communicating how you feel and asking him to stop. If this results in it getting worse….You might want to think about getting out.

LostandHound · 23/11/2023 11:56

The thing is, whether it sounds toxic or not doesn't really matter (though it does btw). What matters is, ‘how does being in this relationship make you feel?’
from your op I’m guessing the answer to that is ‘not great’. In which case you should exit.
you are worthy of feeling good about yourself…better that solo than feeling crap with someone.

SamW98 · 23/11/2023 11:58

I think deep down you already know the answer OP.

And as a PP said there’s no need to label something toxic, if it doesn’t make you feel good then it’s wrong for you.

Premfove · 23/11/2023 11:59

Leave OP, if your friend is saying that and judging by your list then I would trust her and leave. Are there children involved or can you make a clean break? He's subtlety and slowly wearing you down, it's an abuse tactic and it won't get any better. You on the other hand deserve much better. 💐

Olika · 23/11/2023 12:05

Doesn't sound like he actually cares about you or loves you.

ManAboutTown · 23/11/2023 12:16

He sounds horrible.

The last point seemed to sum it all up - a general feeling he doesn't like me.

No one wants to be in a relationship like that

Original poster
Porkpies · 23/11/2023 12:41

Thank you all. I know it looks obvious in a way when written down but it has become normal for me. And I’ve doubted myself so many times - if I put this list to DP he would deny most of it I’m sure. He seems to the world like a very nice person, and is a great Dad to our child.

But you’re right that it matters how it makes me feel - only I know how it feels to be in this relationship. And over the years it has made me feel worse and worse, like I can’t even recognise myself anymore. But tbh I didn’t always realise it was the relationship doing this. Still feel a bit sick and shaky, have never written it all down like that before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Porkpies · 23/11/2023 13:10

@Premfove thank you, it wouldn't be a clean break unfortunately but he is good with DC.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 23/11/2023 13:50

I imagine you're currently experiencing a shock. People like your DP never behave that way in the beginning. I imagine he was wonderful when you first got together. But the behaviour creeps in so slowly over time that you don't even notice it. That's why people use the boiling frog analogy when talking about toxic/abusive relationships. Essentially, if you put a frog in boiling water, it'll jump straight out. But if you put it in tepid water and slowly increase the heat, it won't notice it's being boiled alive and it stays put.

When you do finally and suddenly realise what's happening, it's a lot to take.

I would encourage you to speak to women's aid. You don't have to make any decisions about the relationship right now, but I think it would be good for you to talk about it in order to process it.

Original poster
Porkpies · 24/11/2023 09:03

Thank you @yellowsmileyface . The boiled frog analogy makes a lot of sense. I never realised how bad it was before I wrote it all down and he can still be really nice at times (and yes he was very nice when we met, until we had a child). I could also make a list of nice things he’s done - but I guess that doesn't offset this list.

OP posts:
Christmasspud · 24/11/2023 09:13

Completely identify with this post because that's what I've experienced, apart from being called names. He's never done that.
It's so subtle you don't notice it, do you? Until something happens, then you realise.
I would never dream of doing any of those things to my partner.
There is something lacking in him for him to do these things.
I would be wary of labelling it a 'toxic relationship' because you're not contributing to the toxicity @Porkpies . Reframe your thinking so that it's not about the relationship, it's about him, why he does these things. It's nothing you've done, or haven't done, that has made him this way.

NotLactoseFree · 24/11/2023 09:28

Armchair diagnoses aren't really helpful, but I would nonetheless suggest taking a look at this website.

Whether or not your DP is a narcissist, he is behaving in a way that is designed to keep you unbalanced and on edge.

I am sorry to say but I would also question the "good dad" thing. Is he really? Or does he just sometimes really play beautifully with your DC? Does he do the nights when they're scared and comfort them? Does he do his share of the school runs and pick ups? Can he be relied on to feed them appropriately, dress them appropriately and get them to bed appropriately when you are not there? Does he listen to their stories and their tales of woe and sympathise and comfort them?

Because in my experience, men who treat their partners the way you describe him treating you, are NOT good dads. They are, at best, Disney dads. Brilliant for a trip to the park or a day out, but useless on a day to day basis.

Subtle Signs Someone's A Narcissist - Narcissisms.Com

Please CLICK HERE For The Subtle Signs Someone's A Narcissist...

https://narcissisms.com/subtle-signs-someones-a-narcissist/

yellowsmileyface · 24/11/2023 09:53

I could also make a list of nice things he’s done - but I guess that doesn't offset this list.

No, it doesn't. Abusive people always have a really lovely side, too. My ex treated me horribly. Made me feel absolutely worthless and I too had a general feeling that he didn't even like me. He was also the most generous of all my exes. He'd often buy me surprise little presents. It was all a tactic. It was so that whenever I wanted to bring up an issue or something he'd done to hurt me, he could turn it around and accuse me of being ungrateful. He'd be armed with a list of all the lovely stuff he'd done to paint me as the nasty one. I realised that his lovely side wasn't really lovely at all, because the only purpose it served was to stop me seeing how cruel he really was.

billy1966 · 24/11/2023 09:54

God love you.

Absolutely toxic, gaslighting and abusive.

Now you know.

Start looking at your options.

Start detaching from him.

Start spending a lot less time with him, talking to him, telling him what is going on with you.

Start telling family and friends the truth.

Call Womens aid for advice and support.

Start assembling paperwork.

NotLactoseFree · 24/11/2023 10:09

I also want to add that I agree with @billy1966 start telling people the truth. The good news is that your friend clearly can see it, so others probably can do. BUT... be warned, this subtle stuff can be astonishingly powerful so it might take some time.

I recently received one of these subtle little digs from someone I 100% know is a narcissistic, controlling, abusive man. He still managed, for just a few seconds, to make me question very briefly whether maybe his victim was actually the one in the wrong. It BLEW MY MIND. They are very very clever.

Christmasspud · 24/11/2023 10:17

@NotLactoseFree I disagree that others will see that the person is a narcissist. I think this is very unlikely in situations where the partner has lived for years with a narcissist and has not realised it. I do think that other people might have vague suspicions that a person might be a controlling influence within a relationship though.
The reason they appear to be very very clever is not because they are clever. It is because their behaviour is part of their very being. They actually believe that they are not to be blamed. They are never wrong. It is always someone else.

NotLactoseFree · 24/11/2023 10:35

@Christmasspud yes that was my point. She should tell people and hopefully, like her first friend, people will see it. But she needs to be prepare for the fact that a lot of people won't see it or will struggle because the manipulation is so subtle and insidious. He's probably also been subtly ensuring that people around her think she is unbalanced/hysterical/unreasonable etc... she might not even be aware of that yet.

I do actually agree with you that they genuinely believe they shouldn't be blamed. It's an incredible form of delusional or disordered thinking. Even the message I referred to - I think he did it on purpose, but the thought process wasn't, "how can I convinced NotLactose that Juniper is a bitch and I am a victim" but rather, "I am totally a victim, Juniper is a bitch and I need to tell NotLactose so that she can help me". But whether it's conscious or not, the ability yo turn it around so that even I, with a very very finely attuned radar to this man's bullshit, almost fell for it for a second... that is a form of cleverness.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 24/11/2023 10:51

Porkpies · 23/11/2023 12:41

Thank you all. I know it looks obvious in a way when written down but it has become normal for me. And I’ve doubted myself so many times - if I put this list to DP he would deny most of it I’m sure. He seems to the world like a very nice person, and is a great Dad to our child.

But you’re right that it matters how it makes me feel - only I know how it feels to be in this relationship. And over the years it has made me feel worse and worse, like I can’t even recognise myself anymore. But tbh I didn’t always realise it was the relationship doing this. Still feel a bit sick and shaky, have never written it all down like that before.

Sorry, but I disagree

Absolutely no man is a great dad if they can abuse their child's mother in that way.

Cheeesus · 24/11/2023 10:53

Oh OP, this is all you need “sometimes saying he's not sure of his feelings for me”.
It’s miserable to live like that. Please put an end to it and leave.

Isheabastard · 24/11/2023 11:09

I’m a boiled frog.

in essence it comes down to the following “does he treat me as his equal?”

Endoftheroad12345 · 24/11/2023 11:19

Yes it’s toxic. My ex was like this, we split a year ago.

I knew it was bad but I genuinely didn’t realise how bad until I was free of him. It has been a revelation learning about how other people’s relationships tick, and now being in a relationship with someone who is the polar opposite of ex H.

If something bothers me and I raise it with (new) DP, he is sorry I am upset and we talk about it. It is amazing.

With ex H, I would be ignored/stonewalled/eye rolling/“I don’t have time for this”/“actually you do XYZ/ABC”/“that never happened”/“you’re a stupid fat bitch”… all the way up to smashing things, throwing, physical intimidation depending on how much I argued back.

I was totally a boiled frog.