Is this view a bit weird, or just worded badly?

[Spinningroundincircles]

Hi, I've been seeing a friend of mine on a kind of casual basis, he wants to progress further and I'm unsure but I don't know if what's holding me back is a gut instinct kind of thing, or my mental health (I have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder and I suspect ADHD and/or BPD too).

He came round yesterday and we had a chat about my reservations, one being that I have absolutely no qualifications (not even GCSEs, long story), am currently self employed in a business that isn't really working as well as I wanted so am mainly relying on benefits and got into a situation with an ex in 2014 - prior to my GAD diagnosis - where I ended up with a harassment charge.

Because of all the above I feel like I can't ever have a proper, stable career and earn a decent wage (had minimum wage jobs all my life). My friend on the other hand, earns a lot. I don't exactly know how much but he works with computers, has a good amount of savings and has no money worries at all.

I stated this as one of the reasons we couldn't be together, because if he earns so much, how could I ever contribute properly when we eventually end up living together.

His response was just to ask whether that was one of my morals/deal breakers and I said yes, I'm not going to leech off someone.

He then said something about how women tend to marry up and men marry down. I could tell he didn't mean it the way it sounded to me and he is autistic so doesn't always word things as you'd expect; but this comment has put even more doubts into my head.

Is that a weird comment to make/view to have? Or was he just trying to reassure me in some kind of awkward way?

I know that if I spoke to him about it he'd clarify what he meant but at the moment I'm in major anxiety mode atm so can't speak to him just yet - my 'gut' (or anxiety? How to tell?) is just telling me that I should run away, lol.

Thanks in advance for any insight :)

I suspect it was just awkwardly expressed. It doesn't seem he's bothered by the discrepancy.

Women marry for stability and men marry to provide. There you go, another poorly worded version of what he said

I have spoken to him about this, I messaged him after this post to say I couldn't meet him today, he asked why and I told him I needed to process what he'd said.

He said he doesn't believe that, it's just what 'society' tends to think. He then said he doesn't pay much attention to jobs/status etc and likes me as I am.

I wouldn't read too much into it op. I would take from that that he's ok with you not earning a huge amount as he isnt expecting to get a financial benefit from dating you.

You’re overanalysing this. Things are rarely equal. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. I think that he means women have traditionally been disadvantaged by childcare issues.

Let it go. Enjoy each other’s company.

I think he just meant "It is not unusual for women to get together with men who earn more than them". Which is correct, for many reasons.

Basically he doesn't see it as a barrier.

It sounds like you are overthinking and it was a comment meant to reassure you. He has said he likes you for you and he's not worried about the disparity in your earning potential. Have you had counselling OP? It might help you to manage your anxiety levels a bit better. Meanwhile why not just get to know each other better and enjoy dating, no need to rush, take things at your pace.

It's unfair and we're all trying to get it equalised but men do earn more than women, even for the same job, so while we might not be trying to "marry up" we do it by simply marrying.

If these clumsy comments stop you wanting to see him there's probably more going on that means you're not keen on pursuing it

What a sexist thing to say, i would be put off by that.

Think your over thinking this, it is a well known fact that men earn more than women , wasn't it equal pay week this week. Just enjoy being with someone that wants to spend time with you and enjoy each other's company.

It’s very badly worded as seems to imply men marry beneath them which I don’t believe is true at all or that it’s a societal norm.

However, based on the conversation you were having, it does seem his slightly clumsy way of telling you that the disparity in your earnings isn’t an issue to him.

As others have said, I think it was just a clumsy attempt at reassuring you that the financial differences don't bother him.

I suspect the money issue is a red herring, anyway. It sounds like your reasons for not wanting to progress the relationship are more elusive, but the money issue is something tangible to offer as a reason. It sounds like now that he's basically said it doesn't need to be an issue, you're interpreting his response as yet another issue.

You don't have to be in a relationship with this person if you don't want to. You don't even need a reason not to. And certainly if you decide it's not what you want, I think you should end the relationship you do have with him. I also think it's worth exploring whether you really do or not.

This article might help you to discern the difference between a gut feeling and anxiety.

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-fascinating-ways-to-tell-the-difference-between-gut-instincts-anxiety-according-to-experts-11935213

I do seem to constantly be finding issues for why we can't progress the relationship, I'll take a look at the link, thank you :)

I agree with him and I think you're seeing a relationship as transactional, he isn't a business partner. There are highly desirable and worthy qualities that a partner can bring other than money. If I were dating you I'd be more put off the MH aspect as I know how much harder it makes everything.

Yeah, it's quite often true financially. You only have to read how many women want to date a man who earns equal to (if they're high earners) or more than them.

Women often marry down and men up lookswise too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Women quite often look for intelligent akd educated men whereas men are less fussed about that sort of thing and tend to go for looks and whether they get on or not. It is sexist but it also holds more than a grain of truth.

I think he was clumsily trying to reassure you that it wasn't an issue for him.

It's just one of those norms that is accepted even if it isn't egalitarian.

I think that was his obtuse way of saying "It's ok."

Maybe you're trying to find reasons not to proceed with the relationship. He sounds like a nice guy but if you're not feeling it you're not and that's the end.

I genuinely don't know whether I'm not feeling 'it' - I feel something - whether I'm not totally over my ex (I'd love my ex to say he never wants to get back together, then I think I'd feel better about this friend of mine), or my anxiety/potential other mental health issues

I do know that trusting my own instincts and making decisions is something I struggle with, in all aspects of life. Can't budget or work out where to allocate money, the best career path to take, etc.
My mum is quite narcissistic too and I would love to cut her out for my own sanity but can't, and the last few years of being with my ex I felt in a constant state of torment as to whether to be with him or not. To me, the relationship would feel okay for a bit and then a few days later he would do something (sometimes relatively minor) that would annoy me and I'd feel like I had to finish with him.

I thought my ex was the problem and it was a bad relationship, but I'm kind of doing the same with this friend who's being nothing but kind and supportive, makes me feel safe and yet I'm almost looking for reasons why it won't work

I do know that trusting my own instincts and making decisions is something I struggle with, in all aspects of life

Look into this, rather than some small individual issue of what another person meant when they said something. There is no over-arching authority on what is weird and what isn't. I might find something weird and you might not; which of us would be right?

You'll have a lot less anxiety if you use your feelings as signposts. Did it feel nice for you, when he said it?

I feel good when I see him, at the time he said it , I feel like I understood what he meant and agreed but then afterwards started thinking about it and that's when it felt 'off'.

He's spent the day messaging me trying to reassure me that his earnings and my lack of earnings don't matter as he wants me for me (apparently) and that I'm valuable to him in more ways than just ability to earn money (and then asked whether if I won the lottery or he lost his job would that change things for me, because it shouldn't).

My feelings are overall great when I'm around him. There's just this nagging...like a dark cloud over me all the time that keeps telling me we won't work and I have no idea why it's there.

I'm inclined to think how you felt in the moment is more indicative of how you really feel. If it felt off the moment he said it, that would very much be a gut feeling. If it felt off later, then you've arrived at that feeling through a particular thought process, rather than it being a gut instinct.

Your anxiety will diminish significantly when you start to respect your feelings, @Spinningroundincircles Have you told him about your black cloud of belief that your relationship won't work?

If so, how did he respond?
If not, what stops you being open with him about this insecurity you feel?

My initial instinct was to agree that it was clumsily worded
however, the idea of “women dating up and men dating down” is a manosphere trope, so part of me would worry that he was watching/buying in to the whole “men are the hardest done by” rhetoric and personally I would find that very difficult
worth a chat?

I have spoken to him about it. He's very positive and keeps saying that the more time we spend together the better I'll feel, keeps reassuring me he cares, listens about my concerns but to be fair, there isn't much he can say about my issues because they're potentially all in my head. He seems to say the right things, it's just I can't get over this crazy black cloud (adopting that phrase as it describes the negative feelings perfectly) that seems to always be in my mind.

I've been thinking today and I realised that these negative thoughts are exactly the same as the ones I had with my most recent ex. I'd be fine for a bit and happy, then all of a sudden I'd have this overwhelming feeling that we don't work and start looking for reasons to end it.
I assumed that was because the ex wasn't right for me but now it's happening with this new person, is it them or is it me?

Maybe give relationships a break and do some work on your own issues.

This man could be great for your future but not right now.