Is this view a bit weird, or just worded badly?

[Spinningroundincircles]

Hi, I've been seeing a friend of mine on a kind of casual basis, he wants to progress further and I'm unsure but I don't know if what's holding me back is a gut instinct kind of thing, or my mental health (I have diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder and I suspect ADHD and/or BPD too).

He came round yesterday and we had a chat about my reservations, one being that I have absolutely no qualifications (not even GCSEs, long story), am currently self employed in a business that isn't really working as well as I wanted so am mainly relying on benefits and got into a situation with an ex in 2014 - prior to my GAD diagnosis - where I ended up with a harassment charge.

Because of all the above I feel like I can't ever have a proper, stable career and earn a decent wage (had minimum wage jobs all my life). My friend on the other hand, earns a lot. I don't exactly know how much but he works with computers, has a good amount of savings and has no money worries at all.

I stated this as one of the reasons we couldn't be together, because if he earns so much, how could I ever contribute properly when we eventually end up living together.

His response was just to ask whether that was one of my morals/deal breakers and I said yes, I'm not going to leech off someone.

He then said something about how women tend to marry up and men marry down. I could tell he didn't mean it the way it sounded to me and he is autistic so doesn't always word things as you'd expect; but this comment has put even more doubts into my head.

Is that a weird comment to make/view to have? Or was he just trying to reassure me in some kind of awkward way?

I know that if I spoke to him about it he'd clarify what he meant but at the moment I'm in major anxiety mode atm so can't speak to him just yet - my 'gut' (or anxiety? How to tell?) is just telling me that I should run away, lol.

Thanks in advance for any insight :)

there isn't much he can say about my issues because they're potentially all in my head

If your head says that you shouldn't be with someone, why do you think you should dismiss that? If your head is saying 'no', but it's a good person, then do you think you should just ignore your head? How would you ever expect to be happy, if you had this niggle all the time?

You need to find someone you don't have the niggle with. Most people would give most of us the niggle, if not more. Most people are not compatible with most people. Stop blaming yourself for not being as 'into' him as you think you should be.

We only do this with relationships. If you went to the cinema and saw 2 films you didn't like, you wouldn't assume that there must be something wrong with you, for not being able to enjoy the cinema. If you went to 2 restaurants and were served food you didn't like, you wouldn't think you were somehow faulty, because you haven't been 'doing restaurants well' lately.

You have preferences. Let them express themselves. Make room for a relationship you prefer. Either that, or spend your time feeling niggly and faulty. But why would anybody choose that option?

The dark cloud is your anxiety. You feel good when you're with him, which would indicate that there's something real there. The negativity arises from your mental health issues, and is about what's going on with your brain chemistry, not what's happening in the real world.

if you are so bothered by not having any GCSEs why don't you get some?

He's right he's just telling you facts.

Women do marry across and up status hierarchies of wealth and education and career status.
Men marry across and down.

It's called hypergamy you can look it up there is extensive evidence for it.

It makes sense because women would often be dependent on men financially during child care years.

Women don't like this fact and tend to deny it, but behaviour of mate choices over time tells a different story.

It's become a problem for young women as they are becoming higher earners, as the pool of men at or above their level shrinks and many cannot find a mate that meets their high standards..

The fact he knows about this phenomenon and research suggests he's involved in or listens to manosphere type content, maybe red pill stuff where this is widely discussed.
That may or may not be an issue depending on what he's listening to and what he thinks about it.

It wouldn't put me off him (I am a woman) I'd be interested in talking to him more about his views and what he listens to.
I'm interested in that stuff too.

And relationships where the man is the higher earner tend to be happier and more stable, so maybe it's a good thing!

@MartinEPSeligman

And relationships where the man is the higher earner tend to be happier and more stable

Can you link us to some reliable evidence for this, please?

I am, I've enrolled on a distance learning course for Maths and English

Thats great, that will help you get out of the rut. fantastic. good for you

It's hard to explain but I just get episodes of being angry/self destructive. I'll get more careless (you know if you're a bit tipsy and you just sometimes go "agh f-it" over things? kind of like that). And it's during these moments that I start picking fault. A classic example was today when me and this guy were chatting on messenger about what we were doing today, I said I was making curry for Sunday lunch and he said "on a Sunday? x" and then said it wouldn't occur to him to have curry on a Sunday. My mind suddenly went into ick mode and started thinking "he's too traditional/set in his ways for us to ever work in a relationship. I need to cut contact". Which seems insane now I think back. Anyway we eventually established that what he'd meant was he wouldn't think of having curry on a Sunday but wasn't against the idea. I then had an hour or so of doing typical self destructive things like leaving the WhatsApp group his friends had added me to, deciding I wasn't going to eat dinner, for no reason other than my brain had gone crazy on me.

I genuinely think I have some sort of mental issue other than anxiety and that might be what's making me doubt this relationship.

Thanks. I feel like I still don't have enough time to make a career for myself but at least won't feel totally uneducated!

Google is your friend...

I don't have a bank of references, as it's not my job, but it's a phenomena I've heard discussed by various academics in relevant fields.

I started a quick Google for you lots comes up: https://ifstudies.org/blog/husbands-with-much-higher-incomes-than-their-wives-have-a-lower-chance-of-divorce-#:~:text=It%20seems%20that%20the%20traditional,true%20in%20the%20United%20States.

It makes sense from various points, one being women who earn more are in a better position to dump any cock lodgers.

Also women who want more flexibility in their own work patterns to be their children when they want to can do so.

I genuinely think I have some sort of mental issue

Have you looked into this?

Google is your friend

Gosh, I never would have thought of that by myself, @MartinEPSeligman ...

He sounds lovely op. Surround yourself with positive supportive people and you will do well. Fantastic news about your course. Sounds like he will support you ( emotionally) through it. Let him.

Yes I'm on many NHS waiting lists... Also awaiting counselling (also NHS).

Considering paying for private therapy but unsure whether it'll help it I haven't got a diagnosis of 'something'.

He is lovely and keeps trying to support me in many ways but finding it so hard to just trust and let go...