Don’t know how to deal with my family anymore

[SummerPeach]

Ok I don’t know where to start. it’s all gotten so complicated. My parents and my brother just side with my sister and her husband through everything!
it’s like my sister and brotherinlaw run this whole family.
to other people, I think we seem like a normal happy family. And for many years I have toed the line and kept my feelings hidden while resentments, injustices and confusions in me have built up and up.
It feels like I am always a problem in this family. It feels like no matter what I say or do, I get the message I’m handling a situation wrong.
A recent massive family argument has led to me wondering how much more I can take. I’m starting to realise this will keep happening and myself (and my DH) will keep getting scapegoated.
For context: I’m 35 (I have 3 kids), my sister is 37 (she has 2 kids), my brother is 31 (he has no kids).
Among the many things which have really hurt me over the past 5-6 years is that my parents are completely different when my sister and brotherinlaw are around.
For example if there is an issue in the family, my dad will come round all teary to me and DH and say he loves us and understands us and lots of hugs and empathy, kindness, agreement, on the same wavelength, etc.
However when the issues or anything get discussed as a family, he completely changes his tune to be in agreement with sister and brotherinlaw. It makes me so sad, like he can’t have any backbone to defend me at all ! Not even a little bit. Nothing! If I try and talk to him about it, he shuts down and mumbles some excuse about burying his head in the sand in these situations blah blah blah, it’s not good enough anymore.
My mum just wants everyone to pretend everything is fine aaaaall the time even when it’s clearly not. As long as the family whatsapp is ticking along nicely (no matter how fake) and she can see her grandchildren then she’s happy - she makes no effort to validate my feelings or understand me as a person. She is a pro at sweeping everything under the carpet. She had a complicated traumatic childhood which gets discussed at length with me all the time - and I’ve always listened and given her all the sympathy and understanding in the world. She was pretty awful to me growing up especially in my teens and early twenties and treated me completely different to my brother and sister. I’ve always kind of given her a pass because of her childhood but it’s starting to wear thin and there comes a point when she needs to prioritise my feelings over her own, even just now and again!
Everyone has so much loyalty and respect for my sister. I get ganged up on in a way.
I am starting to realise it’s not my fault. And the turmoil it puts me through - whilst I’m raising my kids is getting a real strain.
They say they care and love me but don’t show it at all. They show no understanding and then they act like I'm crazy for stating the obvious which is that I'm the black sheep of the family.
We see things really differently, I'm an emotional and sensitive person who gives it my all when it comes to friendships. I’m now seeing that I do not get the same in return.
My brother also just goes along with whatever my sister and brotherinlaw are saying. If I call him out on anything, I just get half-arsed apologies.

Basically I no longer feel like I can really pretend to fit in even though it keeps the peace for everyone. I don’t feel respected or appreciated. I feel like they want me to be someone I’m not. I think they love me but they find me difficult. My sister says really nasty vicious things to me (and recently DH too!!) and acts sooooo confused when I’m hurt ??!! And just says she has nothing to apologise for.
the double standards in this family are kind of crazy. To the point I just question myself to the point of actual madness!

Has anyone been through anything like this?? It’s getting really toxic. How do you handle it? I recently stopped messaging in the family whatsapp and they all got mad about it! I just needed a break!! I have so much going on in my life.

it’s not in my nature to want to hurt or upset anyone so I would struggle with no contact (even though I would secretly absolutely just LOVE a break from them all !!)
they would be really argumentative and it wouldn’t end well.
They just don’t get me.
On the surface it really is happy families - but underneath it’s lots of simmering resentment and hurt.
The recent feud has brought a cloud of negativity over my head at home which has been difficult to protect my kids from. They have a real friendship with my family, but that friendship doesn’t feel extended to me! The toxicity is really getting to me now.

I think maybe once Christmas is out the way, I’ll try and figure out a way to take a break from them all - just have to try and do it in a way which doesn’t offend anyone - I cannot take another argument where my words and feelings get twisted and manipulated! And I just go into a big ball of defensiveness and they act like a pack of wolves.

🙋🏻‍♀️
You aren't on your own OP.
It's really tough, I am very low contact with my mother because of her controlling ways and behaving much like your post.
You have your own family now (DH and kids) try and focus on them and what you want for yourselves going forward.
It is hard at the beginning and I've had a lot of therapy!!
Sending love 💕

@SummerPeach I wouldnt even wait till after christmas has passed! by all accounts, it looks like more arguments will occur on christmas day and that will ruin the day for you, your hubby and your kids! just leave them all now. they are toxic and giving off the wrong vibes to you and not making you feel part of the family. your sister seems to be a bit of a dictator!! get rid! you will have a much better christmas without them putting you down all the time.

What are they ganging up on you about though? I'd have different advice if I (in the main) agreed with them over you and vice versa.

I mean so what if they blow up at you? Sounds like they do it anyway , so you might as well speak your mind and get it all out , because either way you're going to get it. You're an adult , with a husband , children and a home. What can your family do? Rant and rave ? You don't have to listen . Hang up or leave .
You probably aren't strong enough to do that so you need go get strong , get some therapy and build yourself up so you can stand up to them.

Your parents won't behave the way you want them to, so you're going to have to make the changes you need yourself. I'm afraid there is no other way.

Leave the family WhatsApp group for a start. It's a tool for controlling the family dynamic so isn't healthy for you to involved in anymore. Just WhatsApp your mum and dad directly.

Start pulling back on social events where you know there will be conflict.

This. Just in your OP you sound hard work, but I assume the disagreements are over important things?

This, what are the fallouts about that are driving your dad to tears and that he still 'loves and understands' you and your dh?

Thank you so much for taking the time to say this to me. It helps massively just to know there are others out there who truly understand. Love and peace to you X

Haha thank you for this - the temptation is just to repeat old habits and just get on with it by nodding and smiling.
but you are right - I am learning that this keeping the peace at my own expense isn’t benefitting me or my family.

Hmm so it’s like for example - recently we were going through a hard time and I had to leave a family thing half-way through because everything was just getting on top of us. I actually had a panic attack and couldn’t even speak. Instead of receiving any messages of “hope you’re ok” - they just put up social media posts about all the fun they were having without us. And I simply explained that this was hurtful to us, and received nothing. Just a simple apology would have sufficed, or some acknowledgement. I was glad they had a good time without us, I’d never begrudge anyone a good time. It was just the insensitive lack of any communication. They also knew a lot of stuff about why we were struggling in that moment and it felt more of a problem for them than us?! I hope this makes sense.
I expect I’m coming off as high maintenance here, but trust me when I tell you - it’s taken a lot for me to reach this point and it’s hard for me to even put it in writing like this.
I am not high maintenance at all - and I think about other peoples feelings all the time. I never like to hurt anyone.
(I also might sound really petty, and I do get that - but I guess loads of things add up and you know what it’s like you reach a breaking point.)

OP, if you were the scapegoat in the family from a young age then there will be a pattern that they will follow. Obviously without examples it's hard to know what is reasonable or unreasonable, but l would start by taking myself and your DH off the family WhatsApp and then go LC overall. Who needs that drama? You don't have to dance to their tune. And don't wait until after Christmas, do it now and resist any criticism or entreaties to rejoin. You need to break the pattern and that's a good start.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to go against the grain here. You sound like our middle sister.

She swears she is not high maintenance but she IS! We all walk on eggshells around her in fear of upsetting her feelings. You never know when she's going to take the most benign statement in the wrong way.

And if she's going through a difficult time, none of us can ever do ENOUGH no matter how hard we try. It's never enough for her. As a result, we now give the sympathy and help that we are prepared to give and no more and I'm pretty sure she'll tell you that we don't care. We do. Just not the 'over the top, dramatic type' of care that she expects. It's exhausting and I avoid her when I can.

She also thinks she's the black sheep when she is not. She is highly sensitive and would swear that she doesn't like arguing, yet starts the majority of the fights - 'calling people out' as you say. And yes, we give half-arsed apologies to that because she has zero insight into her own behaviour and it's just not worth the fight.

Ah, so the thing about this - it’s painful because I really love my dad.
but he is very understanding and on my level and totally gets me when we are one-on-one.
but completely the opposite as a group. Leading me to feel like other peoples feelings are worth more than mine.
He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s choosing to validate someone else at my expense.
not only that - but I’m private with him I feel so understood and that there is someone who gets me. And I always expect him to defend me and say the understanding stuff when I’m confronted as a group - and he lets me down every time and just goes along with the others and is totally different. It actually breaks my heart.
I have evidence of it too - whatsapp group messages from him being totally different to his personal messages with me.
but I’d never sail him down the river there would be no point.

I really understand this.
and I think it comes down to different personalities and different perspectives.
I also think it comes down to how a person wants to be treated during a time of need or distress. People handle stress and strong emotions differently. And then I think feelings get hurt, and people feel misunderstood and not validated.
also different triggers and what someone has been through in their life / upbringing etc.
I always want to move on and I forgive very easily.
but I never forget so I am easily triggered.

Thank you - You are right in every way.
I think by nature I’m a bit of a people pleaser urgh!! So it’s all quite hard for me.
x

had to leave a family thing half-way through because everything was just getting on top of us. I actually had a panic attack and couldn’t even speak. Instead of receiving any messages of “hope you’re ok” - they just put up social media posts about all the fun they were having without us. And I simply explained that this was hurtful to us, and received nothing.
So did they say "yay!! It's so much fun now @SummerPeach has gone" or did they just post photos of being out?

You mention needing to be 'validated' a few times. What validation do you need?

I suppose some acknowledgement or understanding. I don’t expect anyone to feel bad, but just to apologise. Even if they themselves wouldn’t be upset if the roles were reversed, just something that makes me know they have heard me and they care. But instead it’s an argument.
and it was all discussed behind my back and not to me.

Not as such. But it was heavily implied.
And the social media posts coming before any “hope you’re ok” type of message was hard for me because it was like so ok you’ve got time for social media, but no time to check in on us (it takes less than a minute to send a quick text which would have made all the difference from my point of view).

Apologise for what though and you need to be heard about what?
At the moment it reads as they're not giving you enough attention and you want them to apologise to you for this? A bit like @TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit sister?
Was it clear you left due to a panic attack? Did they not ask if you were OK when you left?

Yes - they knew the situation when I left and the circumstances in which I left.
Yet they still didn’t reach out.
im not attention seeking, shouldn’t I be able to presume that my family care enough to ask if I’m ok in that kind of situation.

So they didn't ask if you were OK when you and your family all left in the midst of a panic attack and ignored you leaving? That's cold and strange of them.

They actually think it should be me who reached out to them afterwards for having the audacity to leave like that and offending everyone.
I want to add that I have never done anything like that before either - it’s absolutely not the case that I’m always causing drama. I simply could no longer cope.

So what actually happened when you left? Did you just get up and go? Was it a bit dramatic?
Was the family thing to celebrate someone else and they think you've done this to take attention/ruin it?

I explained to my mum that we were really struggling and we had had a great time, but we needed to leave as we just had too much going on.
the trip was for her birthday and was 2 nights away. We stayed the first day, stayed the first night, and stayed all the next day. Simply couldn’t manage a second night.
Everyone knew the situation by the time we left which was the evening.
I was just getting very very negative and hostile vibes from everyone.
my sister spoke to me but when I opened up about why I was struggling it made matters worse because she made me feel worse. I don’t doubt that her intentions were good. But after we left, she was in full agreement that the way we left was rude and unacceptable. Even though she could obviously see I was in a complete state. I was so embarrassed about it. And then just found it really eye-opening to receive nothing from them.
i have held my hands up and apologised until blue in the face about any upset I caused. But still it’s not good enough.