Don’t know how to deal with my family anymore

[SummerPeach]

Ok I don’t know where to start. it’s all gotten so complicated. My parents and my brother just side with my sister and her husband through everything!
it’s like my sister and brotherinlaw run this whole family.
to other people, I think we seem like a normal happy family. And for many years I have toed the line and kept my feelings hidden while resentments, injustices and confusions in me have built up and up.
It feels like I am always a problem in this family. It feels like no matter what I say or do, I get the message I’m handling a situation wrong.
A recent massive family argument has led to me wondering how much more I can take. I’m starting to realise this will keep happening and myself (and my DH) will keep getting scapegoated.
For context: I’m 35 (I have 3 kids), my sister is 37 (she has 2 kids), my brother is 31 (he has no kids).
Among the many things which have really hurt me over the past 5-6 years is that my parents are completely different when my sister and brotherinlaw are around.
For example if there is an issue in the family, my dad will come round all teary to me and DH and say he loves us and understands us and lots of hugs and empathy, kindness, agreement, on the same wavelength, etc.
However when the issues or anything get discussed as a family, he completely changes his tune to be in agreement with sister and brotherinlaw. It makes me so sad, like he can’t have any backbone to defend me at all ! Not even a little bit. Nothing! If I try and talk to him about it, he shuts down and mumbles some excuse about burying his head in the sand in these situations blah blah blah, it’s not good enough anymore.
My mum just wants everyone to pretend everything is fine aaaaall the time even when it’s clearly not. As long as the family whatsapp is ticking along nicely (no matter how fake) and she can see her grandchildren then she’s happy - she makes no effort to validate my feelings or understand me as a person. She is a pro at sweeping everything under the carpet. She had a complicated traumatic childhood which gets discussed at length with me all the time - and I’ve always listened and given her all the sympathy and understanding in the world. She was pretty awful to me growing up especially in my teens and early twenties and treated me completely different to my brother and sister. I’ve always kind of given her a pass because of her childhood but it’s starting to wear thin and there comes a point when she needs to prioritise my feelings over her own, even just now and again!
Everyone has so much loyalty and respect for my sister. I get ganged up on in a way.
I am starting to realise it’s not my fault. And the turmoil it puts me through - whilst I’m raising my kids is getting a real strain.
They say they care and love me but don’t show it at all. They show no understanding and then they act like I'm crazy for stating the obvious which is that I'm the black sheep of the family.
We see things really differently, I'm an emotional and sensitive person who gives it my all when it comes to friendships. I’m now seeing that I do not get the same in return.
My brother also just goes along with whatever my sister and brotherinlaw are saying. If I call him out on anything, I just get half-arsed apologies.

Basically I no longer feel like I can really pretend to fit in even though it keeps the peace for everyone. I don’t feel respected or appreciated. I feel like they want me to be someone I’m not. I think they love me but they find me difficult. My sister says really nasty vicious things to me (and recently DH too!!) and acts sooooo confused when I’m hurt ??!! And just says she has nothing to apologise for.
the double standards in this family are kind of crazy. To the point I just question myself to the point of actual madness!

Has anyone been through anything like this?? It’s getting really toxic. How do you handle it? I recently stopped messaging in the family whatsapp and they all got mad about it! I just needed a break!! I have so much going on in my life.

it’s not in my nature to want to hurt or upset anyone so I would struggle with no contact (even though I would secretly absolutely just LOVE a break from them all !!)
they would be really argumentative and it wouldn’t end well.
They just don’t get me.
On the surface it really is happy families - but underneath it’s lots of simmering resentment and hurt.
The recent feud has brought a cloud of negativity over my head at home which has been difficult to protect my kids from. They have a real friendship with my family, but that friendship doesn’t feel extended to me! The toxicity is really getting to me now.

I think maybe once Christmas is out the way, I’ll try and figure out a way to take a break from them all - just have to try and do it in a way which doesn’t offend anyone - I cannot take another argument where my words and feelings get twisted and manipulated! And I just go into a big ball of defensiveness and they act like a pack of wolves.

Can you give us an idea of what you were struggling with that caused you to leave early?

Very intense personal circumstances involving work, and DH’s health and our one year old recently having had bronchiolitis.
it was a really long drive as well and we made a big effort to be there despite what we were going through.
in hindsight we should have been realistic and thought that maybe we just had too much on our plate at the time to be good company.
and not gone. But I think my family would have never forgiven us.
one of things damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Everyone was up all night the first night getting absolutely hammered and blasting loud music until gone 3am.
we are there with 3 little kids including a 1 year old.

the trip was for her birthday and was 2 nights away. We stayed the first day, stayed the first night, and stayed all the next day. Simply couldn’t manage a second night.
Everyone knew the situation by the time we left which was the evening.
You left your mums birthday in a 'complete state' it sounds VERY dramatic. Was everyone in your family as upset? It probably seems like badgering but what caused you to be in such a state?

OP, from what you describe it sounds as though in the family dynamic you weren't, and aren't, listened to, and in your role of scapegoat you will have been painted as the 'difficult' one. If, as you say, you are a people pleaser it's hard to say no, even if you realise things are a bit too much for you to handle, and you probably agree to things you'd actually rather avoid.
I would strongly advise counselling for you to explore this in a safe space where you will be listened to and your feelings validated. Having your feelings dismissed can be very painful and it sounds like this is the case here. Although in private your Dad does support you he probably has his own ' role' in the family set up, and in front of the rest of the family doesn't want to put his head above the parapet.

This is exactly right - very insightful of you.
I don’t understand how he can say he loves me and then does that. You’d think at age 70 he would have learned to care a little less about what others think and have some consistency and authenticity in his opinions.
he chooses what makes his life easy, not what’s right.
and that’s at my expense.

The event for your mother's birthday was for her and that's who the focus was on. Not you. I'm inclined to think that if you had so much going on your life then you shouldn't have gone at all. Or, alternatively gone home on the Sunday morning.

Whatever the ins and outs, you sound far too invested in the group dynamic. As others have suggested, take a step back, don't get involved in squabbles and don't start any by being contentious - I'm sure you know what subjects are trigger points.

Keep Christmas visits short and sweet or not at all.

Sorry not sure I got all the OP but what exactly do you want from them that they are not doing??
Hard to tell if you need a lot of attention, if you are jealous, or what!!

You are completely right.

I actually like to have no attention. I’m a bit of an introvert and a private person.
I rarely let my guard down and this is why really. There are way more examples than just the little bits and pieces I’m mentioning.
every time i mention I have a problem or I’m upset about something it’s just met with “well I’m having an even bigger problem in my life” or “life’s too short and there are worse things than your problems” or “don’t talk about your problems to family, it is selfish because you just make everyone worried about you!” But wow, if one of them is struggling or having a hard time - the world stops for them. I have been through so much in my life. None of them have ever been there for me through the hard stuff.

Good luck🤞Easier said than done.

Thank you so much.

something (out of many things) that I just can’t get my head around is -
Ok, so when I have very real hurtful issues with my sister, I try to talk to my mum about it which gets met with “you need to talk to her, I don’t want to hear it.” And I get completely shut down.
however I know for a fact that my mum and my sister talk about me together at length!
it feels ridiculously unfair.
my sister manages to twist my mums take on things to ensure that she never ever looks like she’s done anything wrong. It is completely manipulative.
What is weird as well - my mum has had issues in the past with my sister and talked about it with me endlessly.
I never once shut her down. I listened and never mentioned anything to my sister.

Accept that parents/siblings can behave in ways you shouldn't tolerate - its a betrayal of fhe worst kind, yet we keep going back for more.
With the benefit of hindsight, I realise that my own parents behavior pitting child against child was devious, underhanded and nothing short of mental abuse and that throughout my childhood, and those of my siblings, we were just inconvenient.
I don't look back and remember loving moments, just smacking, their arguments and rage and being the grown up in their absence.
I should have cut my parents off years ago but I became a parent and kids want to visit them - so I keep them at a reasonably healthy distance, manage them and try not to repeat their behaviour.