Husband is jealous when I spend time with adult son.

[familyproblemm]

When I met my DH, my DS was 13, he's now 23 and we also have a dc together.
While DS was still at home dh seemed to get along fine with him, I think because he had some authority at home and I've always felt he feels he is more important than my DS but since DS has become an adult he seems to feel threatened.

Whenever I spend time with Ds he gets jealous and if I make plans he will try and say he wanted us to do something that day or if he'll be at work he'll call me when he knows I'm out with him and I feel as though he's just trying to avert my attention back to him.
He trusts me it's not that he doesn't know what I'm doing he knows for a fact I'm with DS and makes snide remarks like I guess you'll be seeing DS AGAIN today when he knows it's his day off.

If he'd been like this when DS was younger I'd have never married him or had our DC together but I am so angry that he resents me spending time with him and makes things as difficult as possible.
I'm constantly worried Ds Will pick up on his vibe.
I really don't know what to think anymore and I have our youngest DC to think about.

You need to raise it with him. As my DS got older my ex started turning against him and was jealous of anytime we spent together. It did end the relationship, and was horrible. I wish I’d walked away sooner

This is absolutely not on. You are allowed to spend as much time with your son as you want to. Your husband is trying to control you.
I’d say point blank you will spend time with your son when you want to and he is being controlling.
if he doesn't stop, it wound end the relationship for me

What an absolute need loser. Why can’t you spend time with your son. When he makes these comments do you tell him how ridiculous he sounds and he should be embarrassed.

Eww how extremely unattractive. Have you pulled him up on this? You should, every single time and not answer the phone to him when out with ds. However, I doubt he is otherwise marvellous so I might be reconsidering the whole relationship.

I do but of course he denies it and acts baffled at my ridiculous allegations.

Oooh, not a keeper, I'm afraid, even after all this time.

He gaslights you after trying to control how much time you spend with your son.

Nope. Not on.

I would not be with someone who got worse rather than better as they aged.

how horrible for you OP. Your adult son will pick up on it if your husband carries on. How long has this been going on and how is their relationship when the see and speak to each other?

I'm sorry OP but this would be a massive no from me.
My children are my world and I wouldn't have this sort of behaviour from anyone

So he's gaslighting you as well?

It sounds like he thought once your son was out of the nest that would be it, and he was just putting up with him until then. Which makes me think he's pretty awful.

Never pander to this at all. If he rings, just tell him you'll call back later, etc.

I'd go right off him tbh.

So, how is this going to play out in the future?
When grandchildren come? When he has his own place and wants to host Christmas?
Your husband sounds awful.

Well put. Take this on board please OP

He's actually fine to his face, he just seems to get funny when I spend time with him but he's fine if he comes to the house or we visit together, it's as though he feels uncomfortable with him having my attention, yet he's never come across as needy or jealous in the past.

I was wondering if because he's an adult now, he's having a hard time being his equal, where as before he was a child and the relationship between them was more child/stepdad and now it's two grown men.

Thanks OP, odd that it’s just when you’re alone with your son, or does he object to you two doing anything together if he’s not there? What does your son think of him?

My Ds has no idea (I hope) he notices the constant calls but doesn't say anything.

Instant ick for me. What a childish way to behave, and then pretending that he doesn't know what you're talking about and telling you that you're ridiculous - he's gas lighting you OP.

Jealousy and possessiveness in any form is awful.

I would tell him straight that it's not acceptable and is a massive turn off.

A grown arse man acting in such a pathetic manner would quickly lose any respect or attraction I had for him.

Whenever I try and speak to him about it, he says you need to stop this, I'm not being accused of things so I can't really have it out with him because he won't admit he'd done anything wrong.

That's gaslighting and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim/offender).

Put your phone on 'do not disturb' for him.

I actually find it easier to keep it to myself if I see him but because ds doesn't know he has such a problem, he mentions it and dh gives me a "look" that makes me feel uncomfortable.
I know it's awful but he makes me feel so silly when he denies it.

Honestly, anyone making you feel that way should not be in your life. Sorry Op.

I guarantee that your ds will have got the gist that something is amiss.

He's probably just too polite to say anything.

I'd continue to see your son as normal. If dh tries to arrange something on those days say "i can't I told you I'm seeing ds"
I'd put my phone on silent and if he rings just text and say "sorry with ds, talk later"

Literally don't give him the attention.

When you're with your DS I'd simply switch your phone off. Then the jealous one can't constantly ring and spoil your time together. I often pop over to see my adult son who has his own house. Sometimes we go for lunch because he works shifts. My DH never gets jealous of my DS in fact he sometimes goes out for a curry with him and DH has been helping DS do some DIY in his house.