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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is jealous when I spend time with adult son.

52 replies

familyproblemm · 22/11/2023 20:57

When I met my DH, my DS was 13, he's now 23 and we also have a dc together.
While DS was still at home dh seemed to get along fine with him, I think because he had some authority at home and I've always felt he feels he is more important than my DS but since DS has become an adult he seems to feel threatened.

Whenever I spend time with Ds he gets jealous and if I make plans he will try and say he wanted us to do something that day or if he'll be at work he'll call me when he knows I'm out with him and I feel as though he's just trying to avert my attention back to him.
He trusts me it's not that he doesn't know what I'm doing he knows for a fact I'm with DS and makes snide remarks like I guess you'll be seeing DS AGAIN today when he knows it's his day off.

If he'd been like this when DS was younger I'd have never married him or had our DC together but I am so angry that he resents me spending time with him and makes things as difficult as possible.
I'm constantly worried Ds Will pick up on his vibe.
I really don't know what to think anymore and I have our youngest DC to think about.

OP posts:
WomenCantBeBulliedOutOfResistance · 22/11/2023 22:50

How does he behave when you are out with friends? I wonder if he just doesn't like being left alone without you? Or maybe he feels jealous/excluded that his stepfather-son relationship isn't as strong as the mother-son relationship? Perhaps he feels diminished now his 'father' role isn't as important?

muggart · 22/11/2023 22:50

How annoying. I'd deal with this by taking the mick out of him in a friendly but also relentless way. Make it into a bit of a joke so he feels self conscious about his daft behaviour.

AutumnFroglets · 22/11/2023 22:52

How old is your joint child? I'm wondering if it's because he's being left to parent his own child. So many men hate having to do this by themselves.

Raspberrymoon49 · 22/11/2023 22:55

He’s a man child and that attitude would give me the ick and I wouldn’t be able to connect with him in the same way, any man jealous of a partner’s child is weak and emotionally unintelligent

betterangels · 22/11/2023 23:00

Your son knows, how can he not if the phone rings constantly?

Your husband is being weirdly controlling and possessive. As PP said, what about if grandchildren come in the future?

Deeply unattractive and irritating behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2023 23:02

How utterly pathetic. How you can stay with such a small, sad, pathetic man is beyond me.

KnockKnockKnockPennyKnockKnockKnockPennyKnock · 22/11/2023 23:08

familyproblemm · 22/11/2023 21:47

I actually find it easier to keep it to myself if I see him but because ds doesn't know he has such a problem, he mentions it and dh gives me a "look" that makes me feel uncomfortable.
I know it's awful but he makes me feel so silly when he denies it.

He’s got you walking on eggshells and keeping visits to your son as some sort of terrible secret.

Have you tried saying ‘I’m seeing DS today. Please do NOT phone me whilst I’m with him’.?

Geppili · 22/11/2023 23:57

Gaslighting manipulator

Jux · 23/11/2023 00:24

My dh was exactly like this when i was doing an OU degree, constantly phoning me about nothing during my once a month tutorials. I just turned my phone off when I got to the classroom until I went to the station for the train home. He did stop doing it after a while.

Try just turning your phone off. He knows you're with ds so there's no need for him to be concerned about you. The first few times you'll turn it on to a flurry of texts or voice messages etc but don't bother about that. Ignore it all really until you're on your way home and give him a call then just to say you'll be home in about 15 mins or whatever. Act as if nothing is strange. If he says he was trying to call you just say you had your phone off. That's it.

If he doesn't grow up a bit, stop calling you and stop trying to pretend he's organised something for that particular day, then you really will have to consider the whole relationship as he is gaslighting you and doing all those horrid things people have said.

You might be able to stop him by turning the phone off etc, but if he doesn't, well, sorry.

Original poster
familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 07:22

AutumnFroglets · 22/11/2023 22:52

How old is your joint child? I'm wondering if it's because he's being left to parent his own child. So many men hate having to do this by themselves.

He is 8 but I only only go out with DS during school hours because ds works weekends and has a couple of days of during the week so we sometimes catch up one of those, never is dh left looking after youngest who doesn't take much looking after at 8 anyway. I have read all the replies and I see things quite clearly now. I know a conversation won't work given he doesn't admit to it, so I've got to decide what to do.

OP posts:
dusty79 · 23/11/2023 08:38

That’s a tough situation for you. I agree with the others though, this is manipulative and gas lighting - both of which are forms of abuse!

Original poster
familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 09:27

I think the worst thing he ever did was one day I was going out with Ds and he knew we'd probably get some lunch or a drink so he transferred all the money from the current account into the savings account and then apologised for it after, that's the only time he ever admitted he was out of order and the only time he's gone that far.

OP posts:
betterangels · 23/11/2023 10:27

familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 09:27

I think the worst thing he ever did was one day I was going out with Ds and he knew we'd probably get some lunch or a drink so he transferred all the money from the current account into the savings account and then apologised for it after, that's the only time he ever admitted he was out of order and the only time he's gone that far.

What a bastard. Who even does that?

Edited because I misread the update.

Rosiem2808 · 23/11/2023 10:36

OP Why do you answer the calls? After your last admission about the money I would be kicking this creep to the kerb. Nobody should come between a mother and her children.

theconfidenceofwho · 23/11/2023 10:41

familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 09:27

I think the worst thing he ever did was one day I was going out with Ds and he knew we'd probably get some lunch or a drink so he transferred all the money from the current account into the savings account and then apologised for it after, that's the only time he ever admitted he was out of order and the only time he's gone that far.

Jesus, that's horrendous and very abusive. Please don't let this continue. You need to get yourself free. Good luck.

seagull82 · 23/11/2023 10:45

I'd never be able to have sex with him again.. Instant Ick!
Put your phone on silent when you go out with your son and when he inevitably asks why tell him he's a controlling wanker who needs to go to therapy or piss off.

AbondonedThemePark · 23/11/2023 10:48

OP, you don't seem to be responding to pp who ask you why you don't put your phone on silent or just not answer.

Does your partner expect you to answer the phone at any time when he calls and is unhappy when you don't? This is apart from your current issue when meeting your son.

Raspberrymoon49 · 23/11/2023 12:10

Why are you staying with this idiot?

Original poster
familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 15:02

AbondonedThemePark · 23/11/2023 10:48

OP, you don't seem to be responding to pp who ask you why you don't put your phone on silent or just not answer.

Does your partner expect you to answer the phone at any time when he calls and is unhappy when you don't? This is apart from your current issue when meeting your son.

I suppose thinking about he does call several times a day and would expect me to answer or he'd keep ringing and ask why I didn't but I've never thought of it as anything other than him missing me and wanting to talk as he can talk to me in his job.

OP posts:
AbondonedThemePark · 23/11/2023 16:24

It sounds like you've got some things to think about here, OP.

How often do you see your friends or other family?

Do you ever see them on your own, or is it always as a couple or a family?

If you do see them on your own, how is he about that? Is he fine, and it's just your son?

Original poster
familyproblemm · 23/11/2023 16:34

AbondonedThemePark · 23/11/2023 16:24

It sounds like you've got some things to think about here, OP.

How often do you see your friends or other family?

Do you ever see them on your own, or is it always as a couple or a family?

If you do see them on your own, how is he about that? Is he fine, and it's just your son?

I see friends and family whenever I like, usually when he's at work he occasionally calls but he doesn't mind that he's specifically funny when I am out with ds.

OP posts:
AbondonedThemePark · 23/11/2023 16:43

That's good to hear at least, OP!

Umbellifer · 23/11/2023 16:53

Sorry you and your DS are being treated like this - man child is the only word for it, it's pathetic. I think I'd try and talk to him about it one last time, and if he can't prevent himself from acting as he does (that money moving, what an arse) then sadly you have a decision to make. Is he also jealous of your joint DS? My XH was hugely jealous of our son and almost as soon as he was born turned into an abusive manipulative bully...which is why he's an XH. Life is definitely too short for that kind of crap.

ginasevern · 23/11/2023 16:56

It's an alpha male thing, OP. A lot of men are like this about older step sons. It is effectively another adult male, not related by blood to your DP, vying for your affections. It's pathetic and sad but it is definitely a thing. He won't improve with age so you've got some serious thinking to do. I would not marginalise or upset my son.

Grimchmas · 23/11/2023 16:59

Holy fuck that thing about the money is absolutely awful!

He's a gaslighting arsehole.

Please look after your own financial interests, as well as your own best interests in general. Xxx

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