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Original poster

Does he really want to get married?

40 replies

TrashPanda22 · 22/11/2023 17:33

ive been with my partner 5 years now, we have discussed engagement for the past 3. he would always say when he has a good job with good money he will feel good enough to ask me to marry him. he has an amazing job now but still no ring, hes told me he wants to buy a house first and we have pleanty of time for all that but always talks about a stupid expensive car he cant wait to buy. im ready to be enaged now and hes clearley not i get so upsett about it. am i being silly. should i just wait longer? i feel llike its never going to happen.

OP posts:
Loverofoxbowlakes · 22/11/2023 17:42

Ask him.

Stop with the man has to propose' bollocks. You're happy enough to co-habit prior to marriage so it's not like you're waiting for some historical manly gesture.

He either says yes (in which case you can go ahead and set the date) or no. Then you know where you stand and don't waste any more time with him future-faking.

KnockKnockKnockPennyKnockKnockKnockPennyKnock · 22/11/2023 17:43

if he really wanted to marry you he would propose no matter what job he had or how much he earned.

Paperbagsaremine · 22/11/2023 17:49

Best wishes for however it turns out, OP.
The general principle is not to put yourself at any major disadvantage for a partner unless you are legally married (and the disadvantage is more than compensated for in some other way).

Bear in mind men can father children late in life and so they lose nothing by living with a nice-enough woman for years or decades - they can then leave, pair up with a younger woman, and have a family with her.

Pessismistic · 22/11/2023 18:00

Leap year in 2024 you will soon know your answer people get engaged for years its just a ring.

CottonC · 22/11/2023 18:14

Assuming you're both adults and didn't start dating as teens, a man knows WELL before 5 years whether he wants to commit to the woman he's with or not.

Sorry @TrashPanda22 but those years of ring talk were only buying stalling time to continue getting what he wants from you and stop you from moving on to find happiness with another man.

To him, you're "good enough" to use to date/sleep with/get emotional support etc but not to commit to. He either doesn't want to get married and commit to any woman (but happy to use them) or is waiting until he meets "the one" who he will then propose to. So many men exit super long relationships with so called "partners" then promptly propose to the woman they actually want to be with for life. No stalling then!

You're worth WAY more than this and don't accept this behaviour. End things and find a man who's excited to commit to you and marry you and not just string you along for years and years. You need to have firm boundaries otherwise you'll be like countless women wasting precious fertile years on non committal men.

Reddog1 · 22/11/2023 18:17

He’s prevaricating. After five years he knows whether he wishes to marry you or not. And if he did wish that, there would be no stopping him. If

Portach · 22/11/2023 18:19

Either ask him or ditch him.

CottonC · 22/11/2023 18:22

Also stop living together and sleeping with him. If he doesn't want to marry (that's his free choice and should be respected) he shouldn't get the key benefits of being married when you do. It's unjust for him to have his cake and eat it.

Epidote · 22/11/2023 18:53

If he wanted to marry, he had already proposed.

Sheetandsock · 22/11/2023 19:00

Well he keeps moving the goal posts, first it was I need to have a good job, then when he got that it was we need to buy a house first. In this day and age marriage is a discussion. After 5 years he knows whether he wants to marry you or not. Have a conversation, if you fear having that conversation then this might not be the best relationship. Also don't fall for the let's get engaged, my mate did this, 30 years on she is still just engaged even though they have children together.

So tell him straight to his face that you want to get married and let's set a date. That opener will tell you everything you need to know. When you want something you find a way, when you don't you find every excuse going. Time is always on the man's side, never the woman's unless you are only 21.

Itha · 22/11/2023 21:49

A lot depends what culture and subculture you’re from. In some areas it’s weird not to propose after 6 months; in the groups I know (London professionals in high paid jobs) it usually goes date for 1-3 yrs then move in for a few years, then get engaged, then marry a year or two later, and have kids a couple of years after that. Mine took nine bloody years to propose because he didn’t want to be a grown up basically.

That said, usually (and certified in my case!) the woman gets fed up of waiting and has a chat along these lines… ‘I love you, but I’m not getting any younger and I’d like to marry you within the next couple of years so we can move forward with the next chapter of our lives, if you don’t feel that way about me then fair enough, but this is me saying I’ve already waited for years and I won’t wait around forever, and basically how I feel is that if six months from now you still haven’t proposed marriage then I’ll assume you see me as a ‘just for now’ girl and don’t love me enough for more than that, and I’ll have to move on.’

AutumnNamechange · 22/11/2023 21:52

Why are there so many threads onthis exact topic lately? The last one that got pages of replies was pulled as it was a previously banned poster so I am wary whenever a similar one pops up.

OP if this is genuine: he would have proposed within the first couple of years if he was going to, if he wanted to marry you there would be no stopping him.

whichwayisup · 22/11/2023 21:59

Ffs who cares what he wants... What do you want? You want to get married so tell him that and stop waiting for a ring... It's no 1921

PaminaMozart · 22/11/2023 22:06

Sigh. Not another one...

we have discussed engagement for the past 3

What you mean is that you have raised the subject on numerous occasions and he has prevaricated, made excuses, vague promises, etc etc.

You know this is not going anywhere. You are worth more than this shit.

Walk. He may follow, run after you. Or he may not. Either way you'll be in a better position than you are now.

Peony15 · 22/11/2023 22:31

A topic being older made me realize dynamics in relationships . Men and women who want to get married will know and are ready, guess 1/2 years into relationship or even earlier. When you know you know. Most check you are long term compatible /wife/husband/parent material etc. over that time period.
Usually if they make excuses/shift goal posts/ drag it out is because you do not have ONE criteria on their must have list in order to propose.
Everybodies list is different, they might not admit to having one but everybody does. If , after 5 years they make excuses to propose etc you do not have one major criteria ( whatever it
is ) on their list. That's doesn't mean you are not the perfect DH/DW material but just not in their eyes.
One partner may only secretely want to marry someone of same social background/religion/education/aspiration/nationality/income.
Unless you know what the 1 non negotiable item on their secret list is you could be spending years wasting time waiting for proposal.

Whattodowithit88 · 23/11/2023 10:33

His stringing you along

Olika · 23/11/2023 11:16

How old are you both? Sounds like he is not ready as he wants to achieve other things before. If he is not ready then he is not ready. You cannot change this so then you need to walk away if you don't want to wait. And you shouldn't wait as you are wasting your life waiting. You could be out there meeting men who have same goals with same timeline.

Original poster
TrashPanda22 · 07/12/2023 21:53

Hi everyone sorry for not replying for. Whole i
kist needed to think about things allot. I wanted to get past our 5 year anniversary, we went out for a really nice meal I was hoping that would be the time but still no ring. I’ve hinted allot he tells me to be patient. He’s told me he wants to get married but we are currently saving for a mortgage looking to buy our house next year. I don’t know how this prevents a proposal but apparently it does. I do feel
its never going to happen and I have ast him about it more. He’s told me
he does want to marry me and there are just things he wants in place first. I think I might give it a year see what happens. This is our only flaw we do have a very very loving relationship we’re best friends this is the only thing that I can say I am unhappy with.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/12/2023 21:56

How old are you both, because that kinda gives a bit of context

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:20

It's very likely to happen over Xmas or new year I would shut up about it until 2024 and then you might want to give Valentine's Day as an ultimatum or date to be engaged by (reassure him you'll accept a cheap ring
If needs be) and if you're not by then you'll have to put off house buying with him and start working towards a flat on your own and looking for someone to marry and have children with

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:20

It's very likely to happen over Xmas or new year I would shut up about it until 2024 and then you might want to give Valentine's Day as an ultimatum or date to be engaged by (reassure him you'll accept a cheap ring
If needs be) and if you're not by then you'll have to put off house buying with him and start working towards a flat on your own and looking for someone to marry and have children with

Sorry I didn't mean shut up here - you can always vent on MN! - I meant to him. Because if he's planning a nice Xmas surprise you don't want to ruin it with nagging now

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 22:32

How old are you both?

And do you have kids, or want kids in future?

Those two things make a huge difference to the advice people will give you on this I think.

Original poster
TrashPanda22 · 08/12/2023 19:54

im 30 hes 28, i already have children from a previous relationship we dont want anymre kids were really happy as we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrashPanda22 · 08/12/2023 19:56

ive said i would accepy a harribo ring at this point lol. he wants to do everything traditional and doesnt do the proposal thing on special dates like christmas and new years he thinks its cheesey, seems no date is a good date think i will be waiting forever

OP posts:
MyNutcrackersNuts · 09/12/2023 07:15

He's 28? And you have been on at him for 3 years about marriage so it started when he was 25?
You also have children and whilst he may not want them right now he has at least another 15 years to potentially father children.
I can see why he is dithering to be honest OP.