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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to ask him to come

33 replies

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 11:58

My ex and I reluctantly broke up last year after being together over 20 years and have 3 kids.
We simply went through a bad patch and communication broke down that neither of us understood how the other felt. He left and I was bitter about it and hurt that he began seeing someone else thinking there wasn't a reconciliation for us due to how I was reacting to him leaving, which I fully regret. He asked to return after hooking up with another woman but I was so angry that he'd quickly hooked up that I refused instead of taking my time on the decision. The hookup then lead to a pregnancy.

Throughout our entire breakup we remained on good terms after I realised I had to let go of my anger. We have both sat and discussed many times what lead to the breakdown of us and Hythe rough patch we went through. Neither of us wanted to separate but because of the kids he thought it was better so they wouldn't see coldness between us both. We both speak regularly and both still very much love each other. He says he still misses me, loves me, wants to come home but knows he will face so much backlash as he's the one who left and then got someone pregnant. I will also face backlash from friends and family but I can't help that I still very much love him.

I became really depressed after the breakup and especially since the other pregnancy and baby. It massively took a toll on me. I think if we got back together I would be able to comfortably deal with the other baby on his designated days etc. I grew up in a blended family, I think I could cope with it. What I can't cope with is my own broken family and the fact I still love this man that was part of my life and plans for so long. I don't want to face this anymore. I'd rather face the backlash and be happy on my home again than pretending I'm OK to other people when it's actually killing me. Even the thought of doing Chrismas without him is killing me, I don't even want to face Christmas!

I think he's afraid because obviously everything is new and nice with the ow and baby whereas it's more complicated with me because of him leaving and getting someone pregnant. We'd have our own issues to sort out. And I think he's afraid incase he leaves something new and good and then what if it doesn't work with me..

But I can't hang on like this anymore of hearing all this stuff but him not trying it with me and our family. I know he'll face a big backlash I understand he's worried about that but he also says the thought of me moving on kills him, that he just wants to be back in his home again with me and the kids. I've no intention of moving on, I'm clearly not coping with the breakup never mind moving on to someone new and the thought terrifies me as does the thought of him continuing on with the ow.

A massive part of me just wants to go to him and put it to him that I want to try this and that he can use that as a way to explain it all to her so his backlash isn't as big. That he can say I reached out and I want to fix things, even though I know that leaves me looking like a doormat to my own friends and family, but they don't see the state I'm in over it all, they don't know that we've been speaking the way we have been and knowing that we still massively want each other, it's just that so much has happened that's preventing it and obviously that fear in him, whereas I just want my family together again and my relationship.

Am I mad? Or do you think I just need to leave things be? He's saying all the same things, but it's the fact of what has happened that is leaving us in a rut.

OP posts:

80s · 22/11/2023 12:01

Is he a people-pleaser OP?

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:05

My ex says he just can't let go of what we have together and how much history we share and love we share and I'm the same. I really wish we'd sat and properly discussed our differences before everything else happened because we really were good together, we literally hit a shit point in a long term relationship and stopped making the effort... I think we're both completely shocked at how a year has completely changed the course of everything particularly on his side with having a new gf and baby so soon. But I know I didn't help matters by holding on to being angry with him for walking out. I'm totally kicking myself for so many things and so is he

OP posts:

PiggieWig · 22/11/2023 12:05

He needs to make a decision. He’s doing both your family and his new family a disservice by sitting on the fence.
Do you trust him?

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:09

I wouldn't say he's a people pleaser. He stands up for what he believes in wether people like or not

OP posts:

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:12

@PiggieWig I do trust him... I do obviously think ill have worries about him and her communicating over the baby but I also understand that's something that I'd have to deal with for the wee baby's sake, it's his kid at the end of the day. But I do trust what he's telling me and I do also understand he's giving up a new life for me and I have fears that he might regret it incase she's better than me

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/11/2023 12:14

People who respect you won't offer you a 'backlash', so it sounds like you're surrounded by people who don't respect you. You have tried to 'get over' your anger at a man who disrespected your boundaries. He has another relationship and a baby.

I think you need to start respecting yourself, and leave him behind.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/11/2023 12:16

You mention the word ‘backlash’ several times and how you’re worried about it. I’d stop worrying about that and think what you actually want here.

Watchkeys · 22/11/2023 12:16

I do obviously think ill have worries about him and her communicating

Do not start a relationship with someone you feel this way about. You're just buying into worry, from day 1.

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:28

@Shinyandnew1 I say backlash because we live in a small narrow minded place where everyone knows everyone else's business. People will think he's an asshole for walking out on a family, creating a new relationship and baby but then coming back to the original family. He knows that and is fearful of that because we know what this place is like. No one would have the understanding that they broke up, shit happened but they still want to be with each other. It would just give people something to talk about in the pubs abd school gates. I know it's something that would be talked about and dropped once someone's life hits the shit in this place but for him he thinks he'll be the most hated man but he can't help how he feels

OP posts:

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 22/11/2023 12:29

What a situation. You either get back with him or leave it. I would also suggest you cut all ties with him to allow you both to move on - apart from communication regarding the children

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:38

@ChilliNoodleGoodness I agree. Its most definitely a storyline you'd see being played out on a soap! But for me it's very much real life. I'm struggling a lot with it, I wish it was more clear cut. We've kept in communication because we do still clearly want one another and we were best friends. He's struggling with the thought of me moving on and I'm clearly distraught that he has actually got someone else. If there wasn't the wee innocent baby things would be more easier to comprehend but yeah I suppose he realises he has to cut one life out for another and that's where his dilemma lies, he doesn't want to cut me out, he still wants to be here but he's got this whole other thing going on in the middle

OP posts:

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 22/11/2023 12:43

If you give it a go and it doesn't work you may regret it shortly but will get over it.

If you just let it lie You can never shake the what ifs.

No one else's judgement matters your life you only have one to live

Olika · 22/11/2023 12:49

What would be different second time around? Would those issues that you couldn't deal through as a team still be there?

Original poster

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 13:05

@Olika I'm not sure, I think we both think about that, we both know we'd really need to sit down and go through those issues. I took postnatal depression and I think that caused me to shit down a lot to what he was feeling and thinking because I was in such a bad place. I don't think I met any of his needs or demands because I put myself in a black hole. It took me a while to get through that but by then the damage was done and our communication broke down. To me it's absolutely fixable I just wish we had seen it all before he got someone else pregnant, and he feels the same. We both know what needs to be done it's just now there's an middle issue involved of someone else when ideally we should have done this before that all happened to see if we could mend things. It's just so hard because we both feel a certain way but it feels forbidden now because of the new situation

OP posts:

Daffodil18 · 22/11/2023 13:13

I think if you get back together you might hate the situation and split up again. But at least that way you won’t be wondering and will be able to move on. I would put it to him because what have you got to lose.

minmooch · 22/11/2023 14:53

Is he living with the OW?

If he is not living with her, has no relationship other than parenting responsibly his new child, then maybe it could work.

If he is in a relationship with the OW then he is being wrong to you both, lying to her as well as you.

In the second scenario I'd tell him to sling his hook.

Olika · 22/11/2023 19:31

For me there are two things to consider:
can you identify and work together through the issues that drove you apart as if you cannot/not willing to then there is point. And not as in you just talk about them but don't actually make a plan how to tackle them. If you don't actively work through them after a honeymoon period those same things will come and destroy your relationship again.
Secondly both of you need to understand that this 2nd time around is not like your first as you have now extra challenges (baby with someone else) to accommodate and there is new normal to live. What you had is gone now, but you can try to create something new. But only if both of you actively work together as a team and chooses each other day after day.

itsmylife7 · 22/11/2023 19:54

Until his child is born you'll not know how you're going to react.

The fact he chose to have unprotected sex straight after you both split ?

Zanatdy · 22/11/2023 20:00

One thing I’ve learnt is don’t live your life to please other people - if you want to try and make it work then forget what other people think

jelly79 · 22/11/2023 20:04

She isn't the OW though?

Aren't you the OW? If he is in a relationship and expecting a baby with someone else but you are considering changing your mind because you miss him.

Pretty unfair on his current partner

MsMcGonagall · 22/11/2023 20:08

Honestly OP? I would stop blaming yourself, and also stop with all the "if onlys".

HE left. HE got together with someone else. These are not small things. Also, HE is now messing with your head by telling you he has feelings/regrets secretly and behind everyone's backs, not least behind the back of his girlfriend/ mother of his new baby. What a trustworthy Prince.

Find your anger again, I say.

Tell him to stop sharing what ifs and feelings with you. These (especially as secrets) are keeping you emotionally stuck, this is a factor why you're not looking forward to Christmas etc. It stops you moving on.

Get him off your case and take some serious time for yourself.

Neodymium · 22/11/2023 20:12

The pregnancy would be a deal breaker for me. Men know how babies are made and how to prevent pregnancy. He knew what could happen and didn’t care.

I think that you are feeling grief right now. But you need to move on. It will get easier. But you need to tell him he’s made his decision and he has to live with the consequences.

also doesn’t sound like he’s left the other woman? He’s still living with her, hoping you will take him back. I assume if you don’t he’s going to stay with her. That’s unfair to her and you. If he doesn’t want to be with her, then he should move out. Whether you take him back or not shouldn’t be a factor.

Uricon2 · 22/11/2023 20:14

lonelyuser00 · 22/11/2023 12:09

I wouldn't say he's a people pleaser. He stands up for what he believes in wether people like or not

Sorry, he sounds weak and vacillating and is doing neither you or the new GF (let alone kids) any favours.

Bunnyhair · 22/11/2023 20:23

So he is actually still in a relationship with the OW while he is telling you he’s made a terrible mistake and wants you back? I wonder if she knows this. I wonder if he’s not keen on being the father of a new baby and would rather do that part time, with your support. You say he’s the one who left in the first place.

I would not have him back in these circumstances.

Mari9999 · 22/11/2023 20:49

@lonelyuser00
Your inability to cope should not be a reason to break up yet another family. The 2 of you tried and it didn't work. You are the same 2_people with no new coping skills just one of you mired in depression.

This woman did not break up your home and she is not going to be understanding or accepting of the fact that you want to try again.

Your sadness and depression is understandable, but the way to address that is through therapy not by trying to break up another relationship.

The man is being unfair to both you and his new partner by dangling himself as a carrot that will go to the lucky one. His new child is as deserving of a full-time father ad are your children. He has exactly the same relationship to that child as to the children that he has with you.

He too could benefit from some counseling or therapy.

Nothing healthy is happening in your ongoing dialogues with him.

You have done nothing to improve your life or situation since his leaving. He would not be coming back to a new or changed you. He would be coming back to a woman who has been mired in depression since his departure. He would be facing the same issues but bringing additional baggage back into the situation.

Turn your focus on fixing you and becoming independent and strong.

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