I want to ask him to come

[lonelyuser00]

My ex and I reluctantly broke up last year after being together over 20 years and have 3 kids.
We simply went through a bad patch and communication broke down that neither of us understood how the other felt. He left and I was bitter about it and hurt that he began seeing someone else thinking there wasn't a reconciliation for us due to how I was reacting to him leaving, which I fully regret. He asked to return after hooking up with another woman but I was so angry that he'd quickly hooked up that I refused instead of taking my time on the decision. The hookup then lead to a pregnancy.

Throughout our entire breakup we remained on good terms after I realised I had to let go of my anger. We have both sat and discussed many times what lead to the breakdown of us and Hythe rough patch we went through. Neither of us wanted to separate but because of the kids he thought it was better so they wouldn't see coldness between us both. We both speak regularly and both still very much love each other. He says he still misses me, loves me, wants to come home but knows he will face so much backlash as he's the one who left and then got someone pregnant. I will also face backlash from friends and family but I can't help that I still very much love him.

I became really depressed after the breakup and especially since the other pregnancy and baby. It massively took a toll on me. I think if we got back together I would be able to comfortably deal with the other baby on his designated days etc. I grew up in a blended family, I think I could cope with it. What I can't cope with is my own broken family and the fact I still love this man that was part of my life and plans for so long. I don't want to face this anymore. I'd rather face the backlash and be happy on my home again than pretending I'm OK to other people when it's actually killing me. Even the thought of doing Chrismas without him is killing me, I don't even want to face Christmas!

I think he's afraid because obviously everything is new and nice with the ow and baby whereas it's more complicated with me because of him leaving and getting someone pregnant. We'd have our own issues to sort out. And I think he's afraid incase he leaves something new and good and then what if it doesn't work with me..

But I can't hang on like this anymore of hearing all this stuff but him not trying it with me and our family. I know he'll face a big backlash I understand he's worried about that but he also says the thought of me moving on kills him, that he just wants to be back in his home again with me and the kids. I've no intention of moving on, I'm clearly not coping with the breakup never mind moving on to someone new and the thought terrifies me as does the thought of him continuing on with the ow.

A massive part of me just wants to go to him and put it to him that I want to try this and that he can use that as a way to explain it all to her so his backlash isn't as big. That he can say I reached out and I want to fix things, even though I know that leaves me looking like a doormat to my own friends and family, but they don't see the state I'm in over it all, they don't know that we've been speaking the way we have been and knowing that we still massively want each other, it's just that so much has happened that's preventing it and obviously that fear in him, whereas I just want my family together again and my relationship.

Am I mad? Or do you think I just need to leave things be? He's saying all the same things, but it's the fact of what has happened that is leaving us in a rut.

If it wasn't working with just you two, it ain't gonna work with him having a baby and OW in the picture

Is your ex in a relationship with the mother of his child? Does she know you are both thinking of rekindling things?

Are you sure you're not simply feeling nostalgic for what once was? it all sounds horribly messy and potentially very unfair on another woman and child.

You've posted this before, haven't you? Aren't your own children with him quite small too?

There's nothing to stop him coming back if he wants to. At this point, ask.

But if he says no because of the other baby or what other people say, then you need to face up to it and stop excusing it - it is because he's where he wants to be but he also wants to keep you sweet and stop you from moving on.

I would advise you to walk away from this. I think you sound quite jealous and are clinging to something which he is fuelling. A friend of mine found herself in this situation and wasted years of her life with her idiot ex flitting back and too.

This would be a factor for a bit but then it would get old and everyone would move on. Only thing that matters is if you've got what it takes to see out the doubters and prove everyone wrong.

But do you? As a pp said above, have you understood what happened to undermine your relationship before? Have you got the insight to make this worth it?

TBH with you he doesn't sound much of a catch. He breaks up with you and immediately gets someone else pregnant when he already has 3 children to support.

the thought terrifies me as does the thought of him continuing on with the ow. Would you be feeling this way if he was on his own?

I don't think I met any of his needs or demands because I put myself in a black hole. You are taking all of the blame of this?

I have fears that he might regret it incase she's better than me
Why are you thinking like this?

he also says the thought of me moving on kills him
He has you right where he wants you....

My ex says he just can't let go of what we have together
He's full of it isn't he?

I can't see anything positive that you could get out of this other than a body on the sofa at night. You will be wondering when he is going to do it again. You will be wondering when he messages her about the child. As someone else said it's like he thinks he is a big prize and you are doing the pick me dance turning yourself inside out to be better for him. Do you really think it is going to be better? You don't sound like you are in the right place to cope with all of this currently.

I'm sure the thought of you moving on does kill him, because then he won't be in a position to manipulate and control you. You won't be his fall back woman.
How on earth can you go back to playing happy families?
He never gave you or your children a second thought whilst busy creating another baby with woman he hardly knew? That's not the actions of a man who wants to save his relationship.
Sounds like other woman has sussed out what a player he is and wants rid.
I' d love to know what he's telling her, probably same lame script he's giving you.
I hope both you women come to your senses and dump this loser, he's no good for either of you.

Sounds like he wants to stay with his girlfriend and their new baby but doesn’t know how to tell you this so is trying to let you down gently with excuses regarding backlash.

If he wanted to be with you he would be. How sure are you that he actually does and is not just saying it because he is a coward who won’t tell you straight.