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Original poster

Is it inappropriate?

44 replies

MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 04:06

I've recently developed a new friendship and strong connection with the father of my daughter's boyfriend.
My daughter has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and he was severely injured in a car accident a few months ago.
Until now I'd only met his parents a few times. I reached out to the dad to offer some support while he was going through a terrible time with his son in critical condition.
One of my children was in a Paediatric Intensive Care Unit earlier this year and we almost lost her. Thankfully she recovered but it was one of the hardest and most painful experiences I've had. I wanted to be someone he could talk to knowing that I've been through a similar situation and basically just to make it easier for him in any way possible.
We started talking through WhatsApp messages and he said it helped a lot to talk about it with someone who's been there.
Anyway, we've been talking more and more over the past weeks and have developed a close friendship and strong bond/connection.
We've spoken about how much we both appreciate our chats and it's progressed further with some harmless flirty messages and plans to meet up and go for a drink or something sometime.

Is this wrong or inappropriate considering his son and my daughter are together???
I'm probably overthinking things and worrying about something that might not ever progress further than a drink and a friendship but I can't help but feel there could be some potential there.

I don't know what to do? I have no idea what my daughter would say about it if she knew which is my main concern and comes before anything I might feel towards him.

My daughter has a wonderfully close relationship with her boyfriend's dad and they have both been at the hospital every day since the accident in September.

Would it ruin my relationship with my daughter? Would she even care? Would it affect her relationship if her mum started dating her boyfriend's dad? And potentially her future father in law!?!

Help 🙏

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 22/11/2023 04:18

Is the dad married? You mention “parents” plural. If so, run like the wind.

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/11/2023 04:19

Please don't, won't end well.

Firefly2009 · 22/11/2023 04:22

If he's single, it's all good.

You mentioned parents, plural, which makes it sound like he is married/partnered.

If that's the case, then run like the wind. This would be a very bad, stupid idea.

Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 04:23

The parents are still legally married but are now separated. Nothing to do with me before anyone asks. Their relationship was over a long time ago and irreconcilable.

OP posts:
Numberfish · 22/11/2023 04:25

First of all, I take it both you and the boyfriend’s dad are single?

If it was me I would have been telling my daughter about all the communications with her bf’s dad as soon as they happened. That’s her territory. She may or may not be happy about it and you follow her preferences. She is also going to be tremendously under pressure and worry but you’re only mentioning how the dad feels. I’d watch out you’re not letting a bit of attention derail your responsibilities as a parent to respect your daughter’s boundaries. Hopefully your daughter is pleased, but the longer you hide things, the more likely a potentially wonderful thing is likely to become a source of betrayal and pain.

Rollup2024 · 22/11/2023 04:28

It sounds like you would be the rebound woman. Never good to be the first one after a separation or divorce. He will be looking for an emotional crutch for a while and not caring about you. The fact you bonded over a mutual trauma does not mean you could not have a liaison and it could be fun (or turn into more), but I think you'd have to go into it willing for it to just be something short and casual So you do not get hurt.

Rollup2024 · 22/11/2023 04:29

Also the minefield with your daughter, is it worth it?

Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 04:36

I appreciate what you’re saying but I don’t think I mentioned in my post that my daughter is fully aware that me and him have been messaging. During a conversation with her I told her that it might help the dad if i reached out just to say that I know what he’s going through and if he needs to talk to someone who can understand what it’s like then I’m happy to help. I asked my daughter if it would be a good idea and if it would be Ok for me to message him. She said he would probably like to know he can talk to someone who has been through almost losing their child and she also knows we talk every day and have become close friends. He’s talked to her about how grateful he is to have her, who’s like a daughter to him, but also how much he appreciates my support.
The only thing being kept between me and him is the mild flirting. My daughter knows he wants to take me out for a drink to say a proper thank you for being there for him and she loves that we get along.

Oh and yes we are both single.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 04:43

It certainly wouldn’t be a casual bit of fun and I wouldn’t cross that line with him or anyone else without being sure it was going somewhere.

It might not ever be anything more than a friendship who knows.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 22/11/2023 04:44

Leave well alone.
Your close relationship could make things tricky for your daughter and you have years on your side.
Remain respectful to him but you need to be able to be truly impartial and on the exterior of the relationship between your daughter and her perhaps future FIL.
You don't want her to ever feel uncomfortable. She might find the friendship inappropriate and why should she have to even consider how she feels?

In another decade the situation might be very different.
Be patient and supportive of your daughter; she is your main focus here.

HappiestSleeping · 22/11/2023 05:04

You are an adult and entitled to a life of your own. There could potentially be some awkward moments, but all in I don't see any reason why not.

As children, we expect unconditional love and support from our parents, so surely children should offer their parents the same in return? (Of course I realise this doesn't always happen, but it should be the starting assumption). She should be happy you've found someone, although there may be an initial surprised reaction. Depends how you approach it with your daughter.

Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 05:29

Thank you for your comment 😊 I don’t want anyone to have the impression that I’d do anything or enter into a situation that would hurt my daughter or anyone else in either family. I have a super close relationship with my daughter and I wouldn’t want to do anything to change that. If I got the impression that she might have issues with it then of course I wouldn’t pursue it with him.
My children are always my priority and come before any relationship I have or might have.
Another reason for me being so overly cautious and questioning this or any potential relationship is because of my previous relationship with my youngest 3 children’s father. It was a 10 year relationship that I ended about 3 years ago and was very toxic in the final few years. I’ve been single ever since. I’ve had some dates in that time but not had that spark or connection with anyone that’s strong enough to make me feel like it’s worth pursuing.
I’m comfortable being single and it just being me and my children. I’m not someone who can’t be single or jumps from one relationship to another.
I don’t want to start a relationship again unless it’s something I feel is worth it.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 22/11/2023 07:51

I don't think it's a bad thing. Nothing has really happened as yet but you may want to consider the future. What happens if you were together and your respective children ended their relationship? How would that make things feel for them? Or, equally reverse that situation. How would the children feel? Just curious though, did you reach out to the Mum also for support?

gannett · 22/11/2023 07:57

I'd keep being honest with your daughter. Float the idea that this might be more than a friendship past her and see how she reacts. If she's horrified then nothing's happened anyway and it's just a hypothetical.

I suspect she'll be absolutely fine with it though - at worst mildly weirded out, which will pass once she has time to get used to the idea - and it sounds like a lovely thing to happen.

This is preferable to something happening and then you springing the surprise on her.

Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 08:13

Thanks for your comment. I have been questioning the same thing about what would happen IF that scenario happened. It’s a very big part of this thing.

I didn’t contact the mother no. This was purely because of the fact that it was his dad who was by his bedside in the hospital every day since the accident. They have the closest father/son relationship and are best friends, so knowing this made me want to offer some support for the young man who I have considered like my son since he started dating my daughter 4 years ago.
There isn’t so much of a bond or relationship with him and his mum. She actually hasn’t been around much for her son recently. She doesn’t contact anyone to ask how her son is doing in the hospital.
Until now, I’ve never had that kind of contact with either parent and didn’t even have their phone numbers. My first message to the dad was via facebook messenger.
It is also his dad who is there when my daughter is also at the hospital so that’s another reason why I made contact. I wanted to thank him for taking care of her and supporting her while she was going through hell. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
WhatYouWearing · 22/11/2023 08:16

You're both single and both adults. Yes it could get sticky but right now I think it's sweet Flowers

Dimebag10M · 22/11/2023 08:30

My uncle married his son's MIL - it ended in disaster for both his son and his wife, and also for my uncle and his wife... boundaries had been broken and was a complete mess

Daz57 · 22/11/2023 08:36

I don’t see it as a bad thing and you sound super caring and measured. You are both adults and free to have a relationship. Maybe see where it goes? It does sound beautifully romantic.

Yewdontknowme · 22/11/2023 08:54

If it goes wrong and it ends badly - that puts your daughter and her boyfriend is a
very awkward position and could destroy what sounds like a lovely stable relationship for them.

He’a trauma bonding with you through a kind of grief and it sounds like you’re looking for a new boyfriend. Do yourself, him and your kids a favour and don’t take it further.

Peachtails · 22/11/2023 16:56

I don't think it sounds like the best thing in reality, it could get very complex and messy. If I thought my mum and FIL could be am item I'd personally feel quite uncomfortable about it. Speak to your daughter though, and he to his son, and see how they feel about it.

doubleshotcappuccino · 22/11/2023 17:03

You seem very considerate of everyone's feelings and treading slowly and gently - I think go for it when you obviously have so much care for all those around you

Original poster
MummOf5 · 22/11/2023 22:11

I sound like I’m looking for a boyfriend? Do I? I’d like to make it clear that I am not and haven’t been looking for anyone or anything for the past 3 years. I’m happy with it just being me and my children. It’s hard effing work of course - single parent of 5 - but I am content. I’ve not had the time or energy to start meeting ppl (I’m not even sure where I’d meet anyone anyway!!) This is something that has happened out of nowhere and stunned me if I’m honest.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/11/2023 22:18

Tell your daughter and see how she reacts.

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 22:23

If you're 'not looking for a boyfriend' then.... why would you? I mean do you want to risk being at your kids wedding with a man you had a fumble with, years from now?

I recon you're both single so no harm but not if you're 'not looking for a boyfriend'. Or not looking to keep it a friendship. Go but be careful not to do anything 'blurry' or 'just for fun' with him that could come back to bite you on the ass.

Also, assuming you have more than his word that he and his wife are long since separated? Because you know...ppl like to lie about that stuff.

PingPowKaPowWow · 22/11/2023 22:24

Don't do it. If it ever didn't work out for your daughter and her bf and things ended on bad terms, or between you and the bf dad things ending on bad terms, then the dynamics going forward would be really awkward, as there would be no way to block. Isn't that the advice on here when relationships end badly. To block. You would essentially be removing that option from both of you, so in my opinion a relationship with the bf dad is very ill advised.