Is it inappropriate?

[MummOf5]

I've recently developed a new friendship and strong connection with the father of my daughter's boyfriend.
My daughter has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and he was severely injured in a car accident a few months ago.
Until now I'd only met his parents a few times. I reached out to the dad to offer some support while he was going through a terrible time with his son in critical condition.
One of my children was in a Paediatric Intensive Care Unit earlier this year and we almost lost her. Thankfully she recovered but it was one of the hardest and most painful experiences I've had. I wanted to be someone he could talk to knowing that I've been through a similar situation and basically just to make it easier for him in any way possible.
We started talking through WhatsApp messages and he said it helped a lot to talk about it with someone who's been there.
Anyway, we've been talking more and more over the past weeks and have developed a close friendship and strong bond/connection.
We've spoken about how much we both appreciate our chats and it's progressed further with some harmless flirty messages and plans to meet up and go for a drink or something sometime.

Is this wrong or inappropriate considering his son and my daughter are together???
I'm probably overthinking things and worrying about something that might not ever progress further than a drink and a friendship but I can't help but feel there could be some potential there.

I don't know what to do? I have no idea what my daughter would say about it if she knew which is my main concern and comes before anything I might feel towards him.

My daughter has a wonderfully close relationship with her boyfriend's dad and they have both been at the hospital every day since the accident in September.

Would it ruin my relationship with my daughter? Would she even care? Would it affect her relationship if her mum started dating her boyfriend's dad? And potentially her future father in law!?!

Help 🙏

I would avoid. If either relationship goes tits up, it makes it awkward for the other one.

I had two friends who both married sisters from the same family. It was very awkward when one couple separated due to infidelity and the other friend was left to effectively choose between taking sides with his best friend or wife.

Just be careful, he needs support in a very tough situation

Hmm, no, don't go there. Especially not while your DD's BF is still recovering.

Everyone is still mired in trauma. Especially the BF's DF. His sim has been gravely injured and has a long recovery, and regardless of the previous issues with his wife/ex, it must be extra painful to know that she's not even willing to be a support to her own son.

Step back, keep it as a supportive friendship.

Maybe one day in the future? But even that could get messy. If your DD and her BF break up, they would be forced to still see each other, or the same with you and this man if you break up and your DC get married.

Sounds to me like your daughter is encouraging this. Talk to her.

Go slowly
and if something arises you need to discuss it carefully with him and run through scenarios

and it’s really shouldn’t have to be an issue for either child if it turns into something solid

you also deserve happiness surely and so does he

It’s rare to meet people who you have a genuine bond with I think

He's a legally married man. Leave him alone. He isn't single.

The both of you are behaving inappropriately.

Also, you don't know what type of current dynamics and relationship is between he and his wife.

He also should not be pursuing anyone until he has a legal divorce and has sorted himself out, adjusted to being single for a few years...also he needs to get his son and if there are other children acclimated. He needs to handle this business first.

No, you both aren't single.
Only you are.

Separated isn't officially single.

He's probably not a good "catch", and probably was cheating throughout his marriage...

Don't become involved with legally married men..

There's billions of single available men in this world..please choose from one of them.

This sounds like a terrible idea....

It's all a tad weird. Where is his son and your daughter in this? Does he have life-changing injuries, what of their future together? If they are in for the long haulgh, then no, not appropriate. If they split in time, because, or not because of this, then maybe in future after that has happened it's possible- though I don't see how they would still not feel strange about it. I suppose it all depends how comfortable you are all together.
Would I want to flirt with someone at a time my child's life hangs in the balance? Maybe only as a distraction in the moment, but not meaningfully. So overall, limit ideas of progression to waaay down the line, when your DC's future is known.

I think there's 3 reasons to be wary

your DD's existing relationship with his son
his existing marriage - even if it's irretrievably broken down - they are still married
his vulnerability following his son's accident

Any one of these is reason to hold back, but you have a trifecta here. Continue to offer the type of support someone who has experienced something similar but pull back on the flirting

I totally agree with this. There's no reason why two adults shouldn't have a friendship which could potentially develop into a romantic relationship.

If your daughter and his son are mature they'll be thrilled for you.

What are these 'boundaries' being broken that people talk about?

I wouldn't.

They are not divorced, if you end up having a relationship with his dad, the mother's relationship with her son and your daughter may be affected.

I can't see this ending well., but I can see where you think this is all aligned for you, your daughter starts going out with this boy 4 years ago, you break up with her dad 3 years ago, god knows when they separated and from what you say she appears to be a crap mother, so you feel more strongly for his dad.

Hmmm, personally I would have reached out to the mother I think, it looks like you've been on the prowl and may have noticed him for quite a while.

Only saying what others may think.

I think if you really like him, then go for it but be aware if either couple break up it could and likely will, get very messy. So only do it if you think it's worth it. Weigh up the pros and potential cons. I'd steer clear, but equally life is short and sometimes some risks are worth it

OP, I think this man is vulnerable and you are bonding at a really traumatic time for him.

I wouldn't go near this until his son is fully recovered.

If after he is fully recovered and all is well, and your feelings continue to grow, you could mention them to your daughter.

She has more than enough going on and doesn't need the confusion of such a close new relationship being formed over a hospital bed her boyfriend is in.

This has the potential to blow up and it doing real damage to your relationship with your daughter, so I would tread with the greatest of care.

If you value your daughter you will not touch this or him while his son is unwell.

Good luck.

Don't do it. The 'friendship' seems mostly texting related anyway so likely to fizzle out naturally but it would be too weird to date your daughter's father 'in law'.

I don’t think it’s weird at all.

Life is short.

You are thinking carefully about this. I hope things work out for you.

You don’t say how old your daughter is, but why don’t you just discuss it with her?
From what you’ve said, she sounds very down to earth. She already knows everything else, I mean, about the messaging and the drinks. She might surprise you and give you her blessing — you won’t know until you ask.

No, I wouldn’t do this.

He’s legally married.
His son is critically ill.
Your daughter is in a relationship with his son and you don’t know how things may work out for them or for you.

Things may change in the future but right now he just needs support. These aren’t the foundations for a successful, long, relationship.

I'd just go very very slowly and keep your daughter honestly in the loop. If she's uncomfortable, I'd back off. Yes it could get messy if it all went wrong, but that's true of any relationship. Just bear that in mind and don't go rushing headlong into anything. Be friends and see where it goes. Life is short.

Exactly what @NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers said. You deserve happiness and you haven't gone looking, it's happened organically. Just take it slow and enjoy yourselves. We're a long time dead.