Sorry.... another thread about inlaws!!

[mampam]

I've posted on here quite a while ago about my inlaws and basically how they've made mine and dh's life hell.

Will give a very brief lowdown. I've been married before and have two dc's. Dh never been married before and is an only child. We use to live next door to inlaws which was hell as mil made it perfectly clear she didn't like me, things came to a head when fil stormed into our house shouting at me and calling me names, needless to say we moved house!
We got married a few months after this, inlaws came to wedding but ignored me all day, wouldn't stand near me for the photo's or smile for any photo that I was in with them. This was very embarrassing for dh as the whole wedding party noticed and wondered what the hell was going on.
Mil's father died a couple of weeks after our wedding and she wouldn't even look at dh let alone speak to him at the funeral because I was there with him for moral support.
Dh wrote his parents a letter explaining why he doesn't want much to do with them and telling them how upset he feels about their behavour. They wrote a letter back, no apology, they just expected for things to suddenly go back to "normal".

Dh hasn't had anything to do with them since and didn't send his mother a card on mothers day, we've since had a letter from his grandmother saying things like she won't rest until her dying day unless this is all sorted out and basically blaming me for everything. There was a PS at the bottom of the letter addressed to me basically saying that dh loves me but can't I let him share some of that love with his family too.

It's as if they think that I won't let him make up with his parents and that I make his decisions for him. I have not and would never stop dh from seeing his family. All I can do is support him in what ever he decides is for the best. I'm sick to death of being blamed for corrupting their perfect son/grandson, when in fact it was the inlaws that have made our lives hell and are obviously going to continue to do so unless dh puts a stop to this once and for all. They don't seem to think dh has any right to be upset that his family treat me as if I'm some kind of leper. Its been going on for over a year now and dh and I have now idea of what to do next. Any suggestions???

How did your H leave things with them last time he spoke to them?
how are they with you on your own? do they make directly cutting remarks to your face or do they save it all for behind your back?
much sympathy here- ILs can be v problematic.

We haven't seen inlaws since dh was ignored at the funeral which was last September/October.

It all started with mil making cutting remarks to my face when no one else was around to hear her doing it. This caused an awful amount of arguments at the time between me and dh because he didn't believe that his mother would do such a thing! This then progressed into her ignoring me one minute and being my best friend the next. I once caught her hiding behind a bush in the garden hoping I hadn't seen her and all that effort just so she wouldn't have to say "hello" to me in passing!

The grandmother doesn't know the truth she has only heard MIL's version. I think maybe your dh should visit the grandmother or write to her and put her straight on a few things.

I think it really depends on how your DH feels about it...

If he feels he'd like to sort some resolution out where by he can see his parents / family... then pperhaps start with him spending some time with them alone...

But, if he's not really that bothered, I'd let it go...

Whatever you do, I wouldn't take it personally as (almost certainly) they would feel like this about anyone in his life.

Coming from a place where my brother has basically cut us from his life because he feels we don't respect his wife, I urge you to rise above this and look beyond the awful treatment the family has meted out to you...

Good for you that your DH is taking a stand, but it does reflect badly on you in that he has to make this decision... just be supportive of him as you say you are and vent your frusutration elsewhere - some people just never grow up - your MIl sounds like a classic example...

Dh feels inclined to ignore it but I think we need some kind of closer on the matter whether its dh cutting them off completely or if he would like to get back in contact with them again. I know it's about what dh wants, not what I think but I just feel that if he ignores it we're going to have to keep going through this over and over.

I don't know what else to suggest other than for him to write them a very clear letter almost with bullet points. That would reduce the tendency for them to hear what they want to and they can read it as many times as they need to to get their heads around what is actually being said. I suggest this because this seems to work with my mother - eventually. Sometimes it takes a few letters over several months but it does work in the end. We end up stating what she did that was unacceptable and the effect that had and the behaviour that is required to move on to the next stage. This sounds very patronising BUT when it's a case of get this sorted or it's family life ruined, then it has to be done in my view. Your friends wouldn't tolerate certain behaviour from you and you would be told what you'd done etc etc. Just because they're family, it doesn't give them the right to control you or treat you badly.

PutThatIn I think that your approach sounds like a really good idea and you are right just because they are family doesn't give them the right to behave like this. I will suggest this to dh but I'm not going to push him because I don't want to be seen to be making decisions for him, although as his wife do you think it is reasonable for me to want a definite end to all of this?

I think it's fine to tell him how all this affects you and that you would like closure not only for your sake but also for his as it must affect him terribly too. If he seems keen to put an end to it but seems a bit stumped, you could suggest it to him? You are also in your right to act to stop people treating you in a way that makes you unhappy and could sensitively and with your DH's 'consent' deal with it yourself but I suspect that it would add fuel to the fire. You need to work on your DH really or put it down to 'life' and move on.

My first instinct was for me to write a letter back to his grandmother to not only defend myself but to ask her to consider dh's feelings in this as it all seems to be about how his grandmother feels or how his parents feel about this situation. But I think you are right in that it would probably be seen as me taking control of the situation and would add fuel to their fire.

What I don't understand is that dh's grandparents were at our wedding and at his other grandads funeral and witnessed his parents behaviour yet still choose to blame it all on me.

I know that they are not my family but it still hurts that they can dislike me so much.

Has anyone else had problems like this wih their inlaws? How did you deal with it?

Mampam, do you know why they don't like you?

Also, sounds like you need the Toxic Inlaws book because yours sound as toxic as the toxic parents discussed on the other thread. Good luck. xx

Is your husband stopping contact because he doesn't like them, or because you don't? How was his relationship with them before you were on the scene?

I'm not sure why they don't like me. The night that fil stormed into our house shouting at me and calling me names, he admitted that he and mil do not like me. When dh asked why, he couldn't come up with a specific reason. Although he did say that I'd landed on my feet and should think myself lucky, I relate this to the fact that when I met dh I was a single parent, living in a council flat. I agree with him that I landed on my feet because my ex dh was a liar and a cheat and now I have got the most fantastic husband in the world. But in materialistic terms as fil probably meant, dh hasn't got a penny to rub his arse together with!!

Beanie I guess that dh has stopped contact with his parents for many different reasons. He doesn't like the way they have behaved towards me, my dc's and my family. They have upset, embarrassed and humiliated him which he feels is totally unforgivable of them. I think he feels totally let down by them. He asked his parents to give him some space for a few months and that when he was ready he would contact them, they responded to this by hounding him at every opportunity and I think he felt undermined by them that they couldn't respect his wishes. He also feels insulted that his own parents think that he is incapable of making a decision on his own. They obviously think that I'm somehow controlling him, yet it is his decision not to have anything to do with them. Dh asked fil to apologise to me after calling me names etc and he refused, if he had of apologised I know that dh would have asked me to accept the apology and let bygones be bygones. Despite the fact it wouldn't have changed my feelings towards inlaws I would have let it go because I'd do anything for my dh because I love him, it hurts him that his parents won't do the same.

write back from DH something along the lines of

Dear Grandma

Thanks for your letter. I'm sorry you're so upset by the current situation, I know how you feel we are upset too. There's nothing xxx (your name) and I would like more than to put all this behind us and have a loving warm extended family.

Unfortunately it is not up to us to make amends, all we are waiting for is an apology for the way we have been treated to date and we will forgive and forget.

The things we cannot forget without an apology include:

The night that fil stormed into our house shouting at xxx and calling her names and admitting that he and mil do not like xxx.

The belief that xxx is not good enough for me just because when we met she was a single parent living in a council flat. Her ex DH was a liar and a cheat, and yes she does feel incredibly lucky that she has landed on her feet as she thinks I am "the most fantastic husband in the world".

I am sure you can appreciate that I feel like the luckiest husband in the world to have the love of this woman.

So, we both hope you can talk some sense into 'fil' and 'mil', who both ignored me at xxx's funeral purely because my wife was at my side.

All I want is an apology and a promise to accept xx as my wife.

That's not too much to ask from my parents, is it?

Love

DH

I love your thinking twiglett. We hadn't really thought of putting it like that. I've just read it to dh and he thinks that it is really good too. Hope you don't mind him using it as a template for his letter!?

oh good .. that's what I meant it for... I do like writing complaint letters

Good luck mampam, perhaps your dh could write a similar one to his parents?

Dh has tried writing his parents a letter before, in the reply they avoided every issue raised in dh's letter and there was not even a hint of an apology.

I think it's safe to say that any letter dh writes to his grandmother will no doubt be shown to his parents. Although I doubt the letter will have any effect in regards to his parents as they haven't bothered to try and make the effort with their only child for the past year so I doubt they will start now. I just hope that it serves its purpose in that it will set his grandmother straight and get her off his case once and for all.

Hi mampam, If your ILs can't even say why they don't like you, then it sounds like they feel the way they do simply because you married their Son. They really do see it as you having "stolen" him from them and like someone else said, they probably would have been like this whoever he married. If a letter didn't work before, then I'm not sure it will now. But if your DH feels that he needs to write a letter, then let him do it. But treat it as a "line in the sand". It sounds like your ILs are the sort that will respond with some made up thing that you've done to excuse their behaviour. If that starts, I'd quit writing to them because you'll just go back and forth with written accusations.

I know how it feels not to be liked by your ILs- I'm in that situation too! My DH isn't an only child, but he was 28 years old and I was his 1st girlfriend when we met. The difference is that you're really lucky to have a DH that will stand up for you both and put you first. I've had 14 years of tantrums from my ILs, and after each one I've been expected by them and DH to sweep everything under the carpet (with no apologies), and act as if nothing's happened. I did that for 12 years, until my DH told me 16 months ago (in the middle of a row about a visit from his parents) that, "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family". I feel I've made a mistake marrying him and know that if we didn't have DDs, we'd be divorced now. As a result, DH now visits the ILs by himself; I've quit doing things for him when it comes to his parents now.

At the end of the day, if talking it out and letters don't work with your ILs, the important thing is that you've got each other and your children, and look on it as it being your ILs loss if they're going to be like this.

Petunia there have definitely been times when I have seriously wanted out of my relationship with dh especially when it has felt like them and dh versus me. Things came to a head one Christmas when mil had her sister to stay (sister hates me also and has made this perfectly clear). We had my parents to stay for Christmas and were invited to inlaws for boxing day drinks (we lived next door to them at this stage). To cut a long story short mil and her sister were so rude to me and my parents and made it perfectly clear that we weren't welcome. My parents who were due to stay with us another night packed their stuff and left because they felt so uncomfortable. I was crying and begging them not to leave because I felt like they were leaving me in the lions den. Dh and I went on to have a blazing row and I decided I'd had enough. When things calmed down I made it clear to dh that I couldn't carry on in a relationship where it was inlaws and dh versus me. Dh was still making all the important decisions in his life with his parents and I didn't even feel part of his life most of the time. I felt like all I was there for was to provide him with the things in life that his parents couldn't ie: sex.

Me threatening to leave, teamed with the fact that seeing with his own eyes what his mother was like was the turning point in our relationship. Now we have a fantastic relationship but I am really scared. I'm scared that if his parents do apologise to him and come back into our lives that our relationship will go down the pan again. In the January after the said Christmas I hit an all time low. I couldn't take anymore of the inlaws treating me the way they were and things were at their worst between dh and myself and I seriously considered killing myself. I don't EVER want to feel like that again. I've got 2 dcs to think about. I'm really scared that they are going to come between me and dh yet I know that if he wants to have contact with his parents then that is totally up to him and not me.

Petunia I'm sorry that your dh doesn't stand up to his parents and that you feel like you've made a mistake by marrying him. You're obviously a stronger person than I to have put up with it for so many years. Why are inlaws like this? Why do they feel that they have the right to be nasty and controlling yet feel that they are justified in doing so? I just don't get it. Are there any nice inlaws out there??

For those of you who are interested I thought I would give an update on the current situation.

DH wrote a reply to grandmothers letter in the style Twiglett suggested (thanks again Twiglett). He also said in his letter that he felt pretty insulted by them (grandparents) and his parents that they deem him incapable of making his own decisions as they seem to believe that I somehow make his decisions for him. DH dismissed this as utter nonsense along with the notion that I won't spare any of his love for his family.

DH has recieved a reply. Grandmother apologised for it seeming that DH incapable of making his own decisions however DH should "know her better than that". She's not taking sides but can't see as DH's parents can do anymore seeing as she 'knows for a fact' that his parents have "apologised twice", and that was basically it.

Obviously DH's parents haven't apologised twice otherwise he wouldn't be asking for an apology. My first reaction to this letter was to say to DH just to ignore it as it might start to get a bit petty to-ing and fro-ing letters all the time.

It has however made me slightly peeved that there's no acknowledgement of parents bad behaviour, especially that in which the grandparents have witnessed for themselves,ie at our wedding, yet parents have "apologised twice so they don't feel there's anything more they can do". Do they honestly think that DH would go to the trouble of writing a letter (was quite a few pages long) and making it clear that all his parents have to do is to make a sincere apology to make it better,if they had already apologised?

Does anyone think that DH should write a letter back or should he just leave it?

Have just seen this thread, mampam, and I do feel for you. I am in a similar situation (inlaws not liking me) but mine has the added complication factor that I am dh's second wife, and half my inlaws are saying that they wish dh had never split up with his ex, and that she is their true SIL... It is tedious, and it has got to the point where dh's brothers invite dh's ex to family occasions, and not dh & I.

In my experience, anyone who is not directly involved in the "not liking" (ie your dh's grandparents) always ends up saying that they won't take sides, and this has (in our case) always proved to be utter bolleaux. Dh's parents were just a month ago saying that they wouldn't take sides (it is dh's brothers who dislike me most, PIL appear to have come round a little), but it would make PIL very happy if we could all share a house next year on holiday (that is, us and BILs share a rented house, while all visiting PIL together) - not happening, no way. We politely declined this marvellous offer, and now PIL have cancelled their visit to us later this year (we suspect going to stay with BIL instead). Guess we're at the bottom of the popularity list at the moment then...

I know how you feel, being the so-called cause of a rift between your dh and his family, and I wish I could suggest a way forward, but I don't know of any. The only thing I can think of would be to try to get all parties involved together (you + dh, his parents, and his grandparents) to talk it through - you could then thrash it all through ("xxx says they think you have apologised - we didn't hear it" type conversation), but there is no way I'd want to be involved with that kind of thing with dh's family.

It is so very hard to know what to do sometimes.

silverfrog, I totally agree, it's really not nice being the 'cause' of this rift. I also find it horrible to be dis-liked so much. It has made me question myself on many an occasion, what have I done?, am I really such an awful person for them to hate me so much?,that kind of thing.

The thought of thrashing it out in the same room as all parties actually scares me sh**less. After the incident of FIL shouting at me and calling me names I suffered nightmares and have been having panic attacks ever since.

I think that we're at stale mate and I really can't see a way forward. In normal circumstances I would be all for backing down just for the sake of peace but IL's are so controlling that if we backed down they would just see it as winning and nothing would change.

I'm sorry to hear your after effects from FIL's rant - I don't blame you for not wanting to thrash it all out (there's no way I'd do it either, and there's been no direct unpleasantness in my case, just all behind our backs, and recently to dh's face)

We too are at a stalemate. We have grudgingly been invited to the latest family occasion (although full details have not yet been given, so I expect we're not really invited after all). Dh's brother said that for the last 2 occasions (the christenings of their children) we were not invited as BIL wanted his neice & nephew to go (that would be dh's children fro mhis first marriage). Why they couldn't actually go with their father mystifies us to this day (we assume BIL meant that if we were invited then dh's ex would not go and would prevent dh's children from going - and this is apparently our fault!)

I agree with you about the backing down. Dh has said that if his brothers are not prepared to accept me (and it seems they are not) then we will probably, over time, end up losing all contact. This saddens me greatly. It means that my dds will not know their cousins, and it means that dh will lose his brothers (one of whom he was very close to before we got married and spoilt all that ). this, although dh has not meant it to, a made me feel the pressure of being the "cause" of the rift even more. Dh is being really great about it, but it is still there.

In our case it all gets worse because BILs still see dh's ex and children (good in the normal scheme of things), and so dh's ex and dh's brothers & SIL get together and have a good old bitch about dh & I (we know this to be the case because of things the children have said - yes, thy involve dh's children too - and because of a particularly nasty case of chinese whispers about my dd1. She is autistic, and doing very well at the moment. I had to endure a phone call from SIL full of fake concern over my "severely handicapped" daughter (she is not severe, just delayed in all areas by 18 months or so), and also had to listen while my step daughter told me how hard it must have been for me to have a disabled child, but "at least you have dd2 now so you know what being a proper mum is like" (on gentle probing it turned out this was a quote from a conversation between her, her mum, and SIL) grrr)

I do understand how it can make you feel to be disliked in this way, but do remember that you are the normal, nice person here. DO you really care what your PIL think? If they were telling you all about the situations you have described earlier, in relation to another person - would you think "oh yes, I can see why you dislike her", or would you think "you're obviously both nutters" when they got to the bit about your FIL storming in and ranting at you? If you were not rlated to these peopple (albeit by marriage) - would you actually want to know them anyway? I find thinking along these lines helps me a bit, but dh and I do often end up wondering why we seem to be so out of step with the rest of his family (beofre coming to our senses, and revelling in the fact that we are the SANE ones! )

silverfrog your SILs and BILs sound absolutely awful. I cannot believe that DH's ex involves their children in such bitchy conversations about their father, you and their siblings. She's obviously jealous of your relationship. They are all bullies.

It sounds like BIL has got his priorities all wrong. Surely if DH's ex wouldn't go to a Christening if you guys were there, is her problem and to invite her over his own brother is utterly appalling. Did BIL not want his other nieces there also? He can't think much of your DH or his nieces.

Luckily my DH doesn't have any siblings because if he did I've no doubt that they would dislike me too. DH's aunt took a mysterious dislike to me even before she had met me.

In one way the fact that my DH is an only child somehow makes it worse. I feel sorry for him that his own parents don't seem bothered enough to want to make up with their only child.

No I don't really care what IL's think of me I'm just sick to death of DH's grandparents hounding him about the fallout and I'm sick of being so blatantly ignored. If you don't like someone that's no excuse to be as nasty as you like to them. DH isn't asking them to like me he's just asking them as his parents and out of respect for him to just be polite and civil. Is a polite "hello" really going to kill them?