Sorry.... another thread about inlaws!!

[mampam]

I've posted on here quite a while ago about my inlaws and basically how they've made mine and dh's life hell.

Will give a very brief lowdown. I've been married before and have two dc's. Dh never been married before and is an only child. We use to live next door to inlaws which was hell as mil made it perfectly clear she didn't like me, things came to a head when fil stormed into our house shouting at me and calling me names, needless to say we moved house!
We got married a few months after this, inlaws came to wedding but ignored me all day, wouldn't stand near me for the photo's or smile for any photo that I was in with them. This was very embarrassing for dh as the whole wedding party noticed and wondered what the hell was going on.
Mil's father died a couple of weeks after our wedding and she wouldn't even look at dh let alone speak to him at the funeral because I was there with him for moral support.
Dh wrote his parents a letter explaining why he doesn't want much to do with them and telling them how upset he feels about their behavour. They wrote a letter back, no apology, they just expected for things to suddenly go back to "normal".

Dh hasn't had anything to do with them since and didn't send his mother a card on mothers day, we've since had a letter from his grandmother saying things like she won't rest until her dying day unless this is all sorted out and basically blaming me for everything. There was a PS at the bottom of the letter addressed to me basically saying that dh loves me but can't I let him share some of that love with his family too.

It's as if they think that I won't let him make up with his parents and that I make his decisions for him. I have not and would never stop dh from seeing his family. All I can do is support him in what ever he decides is for the best. I'm sick to death of being blamed for corrupting their perfect son/grandson, when in fact it was the inlaws that have made our lives hell and are obviously going to continue to do so unless dh puts a stop to this once and for all. They don't seem to think dh has any right to be upset that his family treat me as if I'm some kind of leper. Its been going on for over a year now and dh and I have now idea of what to do next. Any suggestions???

I've given up trying to rationalise their mad thinking tbh. Dh's ex is probably loving the whole situation, as it helps her to separate him from his children...

The basic mistake you made in your reasoning was to view me as part of the family - you see, dh's ex is their only sister in law, so of course they invite her. They can't invite me as I'm not their SIL, and so by extension our dds are not as valid (for want of a better word) as my stepchildren are - they seem to take the view that dh's 2 children are the only true relatives, are somehow a "better" neice/nephew because they were born first, conveniently ignoring the fact that the dds are as related to them as my stepchildren are!

They really are truly bonkers, and most of the time I am able to laugh at it dh's older brother has never even met the dds (he does live abroad so more difficult, but there have been opportunities, most notably when we offered to drive 200 miles, with dd1 aged 7 months, for lunch as they were too busy to visit us on one of hteir trips back - they still said they were too busy, so we've not bothered offering again.) Dh's younger brother refused to speak to me at all when we last stayed with them - we were there for 4 days, and he did not manage a single word - more than a little awkward, especially as at times we were the only 2 adults in a houseful of children (his 3, my 2, all under 7)

I am a great believer in people knowing, on some level, that they are behaving unaceptably. At some point, your PIL and grandPIL will all realise that they have behaved appallingly. I know this does not help you much, but can you imagine feeling how they will feel at that point? I'm not explaining this very well - it's kind of like the Christian idea of confessing all to St Peter before entering heaven - at some point your dh's family will know, and have to face up to, the shame of having treated you the way they have. They probably do know already. On that basis, it can't be too comfortable being them, can it? They can't be very happy people, to treat people around them like that.

This is the kind of way I look at it, to deal wiht the obvious bitching that goes on towards us from most of dh's family - it helps me a bit. FWIW, I'd stay right out of any further contact. Would you mind if your dh (if he wanted to) saw his family without you? This is the kind of thing I'm contemplating. If my dh's family don't want to see me, then fine, I'll stay away - it gives them less ammo to take to any bitching sessions. I have a perfect excuse in that I can claim to stay away for dd1's comfort, and if all that gives them is a way to pity me for my "difficult" daughter, then they can go right ahead, would give me pleasure to think they are gossiping about something so blatently untrue.

Carry on as you were doing. But this time don't read mail sent by people trying to perpeptuate the abuse. I was at your grandmothers emotional blackmail...sounded like my mother actually.... ie the ps bit. Anyway its his grandmothers choice whether to get involved or not...and she can chose how to feel, AND to realise there are two sides to every story. And if she thinks rolling out her old bones for you to feel guilty over...well you can choose not to feel guilty for protecting yourselves.

Sorry it's not all fixed.

I think you probably both need to decide for yourselves whether you'll give it another try under the assumption that apologies have been given .. see if they act any differently

I wouldn't write I'd phone grandma and thank her for her letter but tell her that you are not aware of any apologies at all. But that you'll try one last time to put it all behind you for the sake of the family

If you feel up to it I'd do it on your terms, invite them all to your house for a brunch or something ... if they are on their best behaviour then try to build from that... if there is a continuing undercurrent then say goodbye, say you've tried and leave it alone

sorry, sounds tough

silverfrog, yes your DH's family do sound as if they are all truly bonkers. I think the saddest thing about your situation is that your dd's will grow up without knowing part of their dads family. It's beyond me how adults can behave in such a manner towards each other let alone two children.

I am all for having no further contact with IL's and just letting DH get on with it if that's what he chooses. Although I feel that is playing straight into their hands but I cannot put myself up to be shot down again IYSWIM? But DH isn't prepared to even do this until we get an apology!, and he also pointed out in his letter that his parents can't expect to have a relationship with him when I'm not around and when I am to just ignore me or both of us (ie his mother at the funeral).

Ally, you are right, DH and I shouldn't feel guilty for protecting ourselves. DH did point out in his letter that FIL wouldn't tolerate someone acting this way (shouting abuse at me) towards MIL so why should he tolerate this behaviour towards me.

Twiglett, on the assumption that IL's believe they have delivered two apologies it hasn't altered their behaviour towards me. I have seen them twice this week, once in passing in the car, I was ignored and the other was in our local town and I crossed over the street to the same side as them and they turned their backs and pretended they were looking in a shop window.

If they really felt that they had truly apologised would they still be acting like this? I am so sick of the whole situation.

I agree with not putting yourself up for being shot down, and I do see what you mean about playing into their hands. I would like to think that I'd just not see BILs anymore, but that does give them scope for bitching about how rude I am for not turning up...

I like Twiglett's suggestion - one last try with grandparents involved too. If dh's parents are still rude to you/rude in anyway, then you can at least then say to the grandparents that you've tried, and it's not your fault that they don't want to move on.

There's no way I would invite them to our house. I feel like this is our sanctuary, the IL's have never been here and it's our place to escape to that they know nothing about.

When we lived next door to them they were so controlling. They made up the rules which we had to stick to but they continually changed them/the boundaries to suit themselves. They knew what time we went out, what time we got back. The walls were so thin they knew if we'd had an argument or if I'd shouted at DC's (which they would always comment on both issues). Telephone conversations would be listened in to. Our sex life became non existant because I was paranoid that they would be able to hear us. They have an enormous garden and we had a tiny one, when we were in ours, say having a glass of wine after putting dc's to bed, they would sit right next to the bordering hedge. They would think it fine to play loud music at 11.30 at night when they knew DH had to get up at 4.30 in the morning but on one instance I had a CD on in the middle of the day as I was spring cleaning so had all the windows open. I was told to turn it down. The list goes on. I could still be here tomorrow morning and not be anywhere near finished.

Another reason why I do not want them in our house (especially for discussions) is that I cannot escape if I want to. If we are somewhere else we can just get into the car and leave if needs be or when we've had enough. Anyway we don't drink the particular brand of tea that MIL will only have. Yes, she's refused to drink tea in our (previous)house before because it was not the correct brand of tea.

Think if we did meet up with them it would be a good idea if grandparents are there to witness events, although MIL very good at being nice to me in front of them. Bloody Hell, this is an impossible ridiculous situation.