DD left out

[Melly1991]

this me being OTT?

Found out last week BIL, SIL and FIL, MIL have booked Disneyland for Xmas. Apparently this was booked about 10 months ago on a deal. Me and DH knew nothing about this.

We found out they are going away and coming back Xmas eve, very late. So they are spending the first few days before xmas in Disney.

The thing is, me and DH have a 3.5 year old. Who has never been to Disney. She loves watching the decorations and parades on the telly. SIL’s x2 kids are 6 and 8 and have been to Disney so many times. we don’t understand why we were not even asked to go?

Everytime I asked MIL what she is doing for Xmas: she doesn’t know or very shifty. I have asked so many times.

I don’t know if I’m being stupid for feeling like this but I feel sorry my little one and feel she’s been totally forgotten about and left out. Not to mention she now won’t be able to see FIL and MIL over xmas now. We had planned to go to their’s xmas eve to exchange presents and saved this day for them.

we would have loved to of gone with them and take DD.

Sorry op but I think YABU. I do get that it's falling though, so you have my sympathy.

She you have a 3 yo you think they're great but then your kids are older you realise how much they slow you down. Having to factor in more rest time, more people's needs. TBH I love big family occasions but having 3 family groups with different needs/ ideas can be really hard work wherever your going. If I was spending Disney money I'd prefer to go with my small family and potentially GP from either side but no more than that.

The secrecy is a bit off but they probably felt awkward.

Incidentally you say you were planning to go to theirs on the 24th, but they're travelling. Did you plan this together?

Anyhow, I hope you still have a lovely Christmas and aren't too hurt by this. (And a lovely trip when you do go!)

@Melly1991
So it sounds as though it is a family trip on which the in-laws have been invited. Still no sense of you being left out , so much as this being SIL and BIL's family trip.

I would not waste much time thinking about it particularly as you are financially capable of planning your own Disney trip.

I get that you're upset, but I think the biggest thing here is the secrecy.

I've been to Disney many times and taken my now 3.5 DD twice so far. Both times my parents have joined us and we've paid for their trip, it has not once occurred to me to invite my DBs and their families (we have quite big age gaps between cousins) on these trips because I see it as our family holiday with GPs as an extension. More people just adds to an already complicated holiday and I like to be able to take things at our own pace. My parents tend to go with the flow and are quite happy to take themselves off to chill for a bit if they want but you never know how other people will react within a group so I just wouldn't think about inviting others along.

By all means tell PIL that you are sad they felt they couldn't tell you about their trip but it might just be that they feel it's not their holiday to invite you on seeing as they aren't paying.

Look forward to your own trip next year. Your DD will love it 😁

@Melly1991 your DD can be the most well behaved 3 year old but her needs are still going to be different to the 6 and 8 and her being there would change both the dynamic and direction. There are already potentially 2 children wanting to go in different directions add in one even smaller and your in-laws would be pulled in different directions.

I can perfectly see why they didn’t invite you, having being multiple times they want their family to be the focus.

where they went wrong was hiding it from you, given this thread can’t you see why

And given what you have said if your DH did know and asked your Mil not to tell you can’t you see that might be because of this - how did you find out

Maybe they're actually surprising you and DD and you're going too but it's a secret

The hiding is a bit shit but other than that I don't think anyone did anything wrong. Your SIL/BIL have booked a holiday and invited and paid for his/her parents to join them.

I'm not sure why you think you're owed an invite, surely they're allowed to invite just the parents away without inviting siblings/niece too? It's their holiday, not a big family get together.

You've said about how your DD didn't have the chance to go.. so book it yourself for another time if you're so fussed about going to Disney.

In-laws regularly go on holidays with DHs siblings and their DCs, including Disney where we were left out. The simple reason is we don’t register on their radar and are never a factor in their plans. No backstory, we just don’t factor in, it’s the same with everything. In the past it upset me that our DCs were missing out but now we just get on with it and make sure we make sure our DCs are happy and don’t feel left out.

I also agree with others that say it’s very difficult when groups get bigger and can understand why SIL just wants her DCs & DPs and that it may not be personal. The secrecy is shit though.

they are going with one adult child and haven’t invited the other, not to mention keeping it secret.

No, read the thread - the grandparents have been invited on a trip booked and sorted by BIL and SIL - it's not their place to invite anyone else.

They are awful, sorry. Disney is for actual children, not adults. I get entirely how you feel.

Although I can understand your upset, I think it makes more sense now you've said your BIL and SIL have paid for the trip. They perhaps invited your in-laws as part of 'their' trip to Disneyland.

So you want to have your plans, and are annoyed they have their plans?

Book a last min holiday to Lapland and rub it in their faces on social media.

The secrecy aspect sucks and would irritate me, but the dynamics of children who are 6&7, versus a 3 yr old is very different- they probably don't want to have to cater to a toddler for their holiday.

Disney is not only for children @bombastic how do you think that? Parents and grandparents have a fab time there. Seen many a young couple without children having a ball together.
We have been many many times since the early 90’s first with our children then with our gdc’s staying in onsite hotels, stayed in all the hotels, might go to the hotel pool with some of our party mid afternoon for a swim and a play about.
You are childlike when you walk through the park and hear the music, we do all the rides with each of our dgc ages 2-14 we have a fab time.

We are all booked for next summer it’ll be great seeing our children and gdc having the best time.

No it isn’t - there are loads of adults who love Disney and clearly based on the amount of time they been the BIL and SIL are as well

@morbidd they are Disney goers Lapland though lovely would not bother them!

It's just a view. Disney is for children, I understand parents taking their young children or indeed grandparents with grandchildren. A completely adult trip however is to me pretty odd!

But btw it's pretty awful to leave the youngest one out, to whom it would make the most impact. I'm with you OP. Your MIL is shifty because she's guilty

I think yabu I take it your mils dd booked disney and invited her parents along and paid. They aren't obligated to invite you its there fanily holiday. Why not go with your parents next year. The fact you only allocated Christmas eve over the Christmas period and prioritised your family says alot. I take it your inlaws had no idea of your plans for Christmas eve.

This ist though they are taking a 6 year old and a 8 year old

A 3 year old is pretty different to the older ones. She'll be more tired, want to go on different rides. I'm not actually sure why you're taking it so personally.

In my view you must have some underlying issues going on to be framing this situation as 'dd left out'.

That's madness unless there is a huge backstory. Do you feel inferior to your husband's family? Is SIL his sister and do you feel inferior with her? Or do you fear your dc isn't as special as your nieces and nephews?

I cannot fathom how a grown up mother could feel in such an envious, petty and childish way. You have your family, be responsible and book your own trips based on your own ideas and preferences. I suspect that based on how you have posted about this, your SIL is trying to keep you at an arms length. The thing to do now is to focus on your own family and not enviously look sideways to see what others are getting and you or your 'poor' dd are not getting. The thing is your dd is not be being left out, this is just not a holiday that includes your family. Probably your SIL and BIL decided to go and asked your PIL, what's wrong with that??

Envy and jealousy are rarely helpful if you continue looking at things in this way you will have a very toxic time with your in-laws, and that will be your own doing. Don't model pettiness to your innocent dd model strength and independence. I also can't imagine going to Disney with a 3 year old before christmas is the best idea.

Maybe they just didn't want a massive family holiday and just wanted their kids to have quality time with grandparents. It can be tricky on an activity holiday with too many needs/wants to accommodate.

I can see why they would do it and I don't think you should take it so personally.

I go on holiday with my parents each year and my siblings don't.

It's not a secret but I wouldn't be happy to spend that time with my siblings.

Why do you think SIL shouldn't be able to holiday with her parents?

what were you going to do with your 15 month old DD whilst away?