Is my boyfriend being controlling? He says not. Need advice

[Rubywaterlily]

So I will preface this by saying I am neurodivergent (autism and possible adhd) so I struggle with peoples intentions massively and would say I’m probably easily manipulated and tend to overlook red flags. I was in a 4 year long emotionally abusive relationship between 2012-2016.

My current boyfriend of one year doesn’t seem to like me talking to men. I have recently started a new job after working remotely for a year, and 80% of my colleagues are male, this doesn’t bother me at all. They’ve all been kind to me and all seem fine but like I mentioned I struggle with peoples intentions sometimes so maybe I’m being naive.

ANY time I mention anyone from work, my boyfriend says they’re weird or he doesn’t like them, or he doesn’t trust them, or he thinks they fancy me. One of the lads I work with would often sit in the reception area that I work in after his shift and chat to me for an hour before his bus arrives. I didn’t think anything of it, he was waiting for his bus, he was from a different country so he’d tell me about his life back there which was interesting and it was all just normal chit chat. My boyfriend hated it and didn’t trust him and said it was odd. The lad from work ended up leaving and I found out he did have a bit of a thing for me, something I was absolutely oblivious to and would NEVER reciprocate because I have a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend just in passing and I regretted it instantly, it reaffirmed everything he thought. I didn’t say it to upset him I just said it because I was shocked, which maybe was insensitive to my boyfriend :(

But he now makes me feel uncomfortable every time I mention ANYONE from work, which is hard because I only have one female colleague I see daily and we swap shifts when I come in so I don’t spend much time with her. We recently had a massive argument, I asked him if he’d prefer if I didn’t mention anyone at work because I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

He flew off the handle saying I was accusing him of being controlling, accusing him of not letting me speak to people, accusing me of saying he was an awful person for trying to say what I can and can’t do and I honestly wasn’t trying to do that :( I just asked because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t upsetting him, sometimes my autism means things I say get taken the wrong way so I don’t know if I came across wrong :( but all I said was literally ‘Do you want me to not mention anything about my work? I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by talking about it’.

He has just reignited the argument because last night another colleague I was chatting to was talking about dr*gs being rife in the industry were in (c0ke mostly) and in jest he offered me some. I declined and said no thank you not for me and that was the end of it, the lad said I don’t blame you it’s bad for you, conversation moved on to something else. I had mentioned it to my boyfriend which again maybe I was being insensitive without realising, but he’s absolutely flew off again, saying he can’t handle men coercing me to drugs and how I don’t let him be angry at things and he might as well not say anything to me because he can’t have an opinion.

Im just feeling so deflated :( I obviously didn’t take up the offer, I don’t think the lad at work was being serious either. My partner has told me multiple times about his friend group offering him dr*gs when they’re out, and occasionally he has taken them. I’ve never said anything because although it’s not something I’d do, I can’t tell him what he can and can’t do. I’ve tried to explain myself and sent a reply apologising but I’m terrified for his reply. He often gets defensive and puts words in my mouth, and pushes me until I bite back and it’s all very stressful :(

I don’t know what else I can do other than not speak to the people at work, I’ve told him this and he again says I’m accusing him of being controlling and says he’s never told me I can’t stop speaking to them which he hasn’t ever said, but every time I do speak to them he doesn’t like it so i feel like I can’t.

AIBU? Please can someone give an outsiders opinion.

Oh OP, I'm sorry, but yes, he's controlling. I mean, think about it - not only does he not want you talking to men you work with, he has also decided that if HE thinks they are bad, you should immediately agree with him. You are not allowed to have opinions of your own. Which is bad enough in itself, but considering he doesn't know these people, is 100x worse.

Based on what you have written here, I think that you might find yourself in these situations because when people tell you things, you believe them. even if the thing they're telling you is something about which they cannot know or have no right to an opinion. This may be as a result of your ASD. It may be as a result of your upbringing. Or a combination of both.

But if someone told ME what I am supposed to think or feel, I'd tell them to go and get stuffed. They don't have to like the same people I do. They are welcome to suggest that perhaps I haven't thought about a specific aspect of things, and I'll certainly listen and consider the viewpoint. But don't tell me categorically what I should think or feel or do.

You don't have to have an argument, just tell him he is dumped.

@AttilaTheMeerkati had a very strained and volatile relationship with my dad growing up which I think has affected my relationships with men. I always seem to end up with people like this.

Look at what your learnt about relationships when you were growing up
This is where it all started - with your dad. He showed you a poor blueprint of male behaviour which your learnt from. What did your mother do here?.

It is of no coincidence that your relationships with men since have been similar. your childhood primed you into being and tacitly accepting abuse because that was all you knew from childhood. This became your norm but it does not have to be your norm forever. Abuse from men is not all you deserve.

Your current man needs to be dumped immediately. You need therapy and lots of it to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about men and relationships starting with dad. Until you do this you will be a prime target for predatory men to abuse further. Do not enter into another relationship until at least you have also completed the Freedom Programme.

@Rubywaterlily

Yes, he's controlling. Yes, you need to end the relationship immediately. Text him "I've been thinking about our relationship quite a bit lately and I have decided that it is not working for me anymore and I am ending it. I wish you the best going forward and ask that you not contact me again". Or just send the first part and block him. Bottom line, you don't owe him an explanation, it's enough that you are not happy. If you do send the message, do not engage with him, he'll only try to argue with you and you don't need that.

As far as the lad who had the crush on you, you can't control another person's feelings. You regarded him as a 'work friend' and I'm sure you treated him as such (ie no flirting or suggestive remarks), so you were doing nothing wrong.

With your father as he was, maybe you might want to consider counseling to 'untangle' your feelings and learn ways to be stronger within yourself.

This. !

You tried to apologise and his response was to be angry with you.
I rarely say this so forthrightly - LTB

Get rid of this man who has more red flags than a Communist march. Best of luck

Gosh yes he is massively controlling. You are not the problem, he is. Get him out of your life.

Please split up, This is not a loving, respectful relationship. He is manipulating you, and using your awareness of your autism against you which is very cruel. So ok, you don’t always realise undertones of social communication but you are a decent, loyal, loving partner and that should be reciprocated.
I have never, ever, felt scared to answer my DP in case he is angry, I have never had to consider not telling him things from my daily life…a good relationship just feels cosy.
I have Aspergers btw. Trust yourself more, nobody has the right to put you down.

Your BF (hopefully ExBF soon) is paranoid, scared and controlling.
This is not your fault that you attract that type of person, but it is something that you can keep an eye out for, and beaware of the warning signs. His paranoia is not your issue to deal with and he will not learn if you stay with him.
He will never take you seriously and will control you.

Hi OP,
Yes he is controlling and jealous and he is attempting to gaslight you into feeling bad for suggesting it. Luckily you've seen through his attempts to manipulate you. Stay strong. You sound lovely and you will find a great partner who treats you as you deserve!

You sound like a kind, caring and sensitive person.
Your BF sounds controlling!

@Rubywaterlily

You need to get this controlling fool out of your life.

Otherwise you'll end up quitting your job, because he doesn't like you working with blokes, let alone talking to them. Then he'll start isolating you from your friends.....

It’s so sad you’re spending all this time analysing a shit bloke when you could be enjoying life. Dump by text, avoid men entirely until you’ve done the Freedom course and had some therapy.

The only reason to date is when you pick a high quality man, your life is enhanced and fun. If the man you pick fails to do either-dump without a moments thought.

You need to free yourself again, OP. Your soon to be ex boyfriend is a nasty piece of work.

Don't get into an argument with him. Just dump him by text or email, then block him on everything.

It's not the same as before because this time you've sensed much earlier that something isn't right and have come here to seek advice. That's progress!

He's come out with the words controlling and abusive based on your description of him - so if the cap fits? He obviously recognises the summation you gave him, and I'll bet its because its not the first time he has been called out on it.
From your end, if during general chit chat you mention you have a BF, that can help dispell any designs they may have on you if they are decent. But really, it would be wise to make yourself single.
Regarding the guy waiting for the bus, yes it served a purpose for him, and that could of been quite innocent initially, however, didn't that mean from your side that you were delaying going home yourself by talking to him, for an hour? That could of given him the impression that you were keen as you were not waiting for a bus and were there keeping him company each evening when you didn't have to wait for anything.
There could be also some needless oversharing from your end, did your BF really need to know the guy fancied you? You don't have to tell anyone chapter and verse, and sometimes it's OK not to - no harm, no foul.

He is being controlling AND he is now gaslighting you into thinking you're the one in the wrong.

I think you need to take a step back from him, OP. He is clearly aware that you struggle with people's intentions and is taking advantage of this.

Unfortunately, some men look for women they can manipulate. He has now shown you that he is one of them.

You could do so much better, OP. You deserve someone kind and considerate and certainly someone who doesn't play these bloody nasty games with you!

People with adhd have very good insight. They can’t necessarily explain why because their brain is working so quickly they don’t often understand how they get to that feeling but it is pretty accurate.

your intuition is telling you that your bf is controlling while your colleagues are fine.

trust yourself

https://www.simplywellbeing.com/insights/being-adhd/adhd-intuition/

he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t pick up on these things but I really do struggle with peoples intention.

As long as you know your own boundaries, frankly, other people's intentions are of little relevance to you, and certainly no relevance to your boyfriend.

It doesn't matter if every man who works with you secretly wants to get in your pants if you're not interested in letting them get into your pants.

Your boyfriend is controlling and aggressive, and he's trying to make you responsible for his insecurities and paranoia. Dump him, he's not a good 'un.

@Opentooffers hi, no sorry I wasn’t speaking to him after my shift, he finished earlier than me so he’d come after his shift to talk to me while waiting for his bus. I work til midnight on a reception desk so I was still in the middle of my shift when he would be sat talking to me x

Do you notice how you have answered that question about a non-event of speaking to a man, because you've already been indoctrinated into having to explain yourself?

Sorry OP but there are red flags everywhere. You are now scared to mention certain things or people! You should not be scared in relationships. Ever.

Honestly, I'd be so blunt with him about this.

"I will not apologise for chatting to my co workers - it's totally normal. Your issues with this are exactly that, your issues"

When you are safely away from him, please print out all the replies on here and post them to him so that he knows you know he is a complete dick and are supported by people from all walks of life who agree on one thing - he's a nasty pillock.

OP, in case you take anything off here seriously, really, REALLY do not do this. This poster is joking. This would lead to him banging your door down and forcing you to accept his side or re-enter the relationship, since you surely must believe him better than internet strangers and he'll convince you it's your ASD playing a part again, believing everything you're told and believing the best of people who don't even know you and are really a best of vipers out to trash your relationship for fun.

Once you've escaped from a controlling man, the last thing you should ever do is give them any openings to get their hooks into you again. Do not engage.

Your boyfriend is meant to love you and support you. This guy is jealous, insecure and trying to control you. Does he even like you?