Is my boyfriend being controlling? He says not. Need advice

[Rubywaterlily]

So I will preface this by saying I am neurodivergent (autism and possible adhd) so I struggle with peoples intentions massively and would say I’m probably easily manipulated and tend to overlook red flags. I was in a 4 year long emotionally abusive relationship between 2012-2016.

My current boyfriend of one year doesn’t seem to like me talking to men. I have recently started a new job after working remotely for a year, and 80% of my colleagues are male, this doesn’t bother me at all. They’ve all been kind to me and all seem fine but like I mentioned I struggle with peoples intentions sometimes so maybe I’m being naive.

ANY time I mention anyone from work, my boyfriend says they’re weird or he doesn’t like them, or he doesn’t trust them, or he thinks they fancy me. One of the lads I work with would often sit in the reception area that I work in after his shift and chat to me for an hour before his bus arrives. I didn’t think anything of it, he was waiting for his bus, he was from a different country so he’d tell me about his life back there which was interesting and it was all just normal chit chat. My boyfriend hated it and didn’t trust him and said it was odd. The lad from work ended up leaving and I found out he did have a bit of a thing for me, something I was absolutely oblivious to and would NEVER reciprocate because I have a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend just in passing and I regretted it instantly, it reaffirmed everything he thought. I didn’t say it to upset him I just said it because I was shocked, which maybe was insensitive to my boyfriend :(

But he now makes me feel uncomfortable every time I mention ANYONE from work, which is hard because I only have one female colleague I see daily and we swap shifts when I come in so I don’t spend much time with her. We recently had a massive argument, I asked him if he’d prefer if I didn’t mention anyone at work because I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

He flew off the handle saying I was accusing him of being controlling, accusing him of not letting me speak to people, accusing me of saying he was an awful person for trying to say what I can and can’t do and I honestly wasn’t trying to do that :( I just asked because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t upsetting him, sometimes my autism means things I say get taken the wrong way so I don’t know if I came across wrong :( but all I said was literally ‘Do you want me to not mention anything about my work? I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by talking about it’.

He has just reignited the argument because last night another colleague I was chatting to was talking about dr*gs being rife in the industry were in (c0ke mostly) and in jest he offered me some. I declined and said no thank you not for me and that was the end of it, the lad said I don’t blame you it’s bad for you, conversation moved on to something else. I had mentioned it to my boyfriend which again maybe I was being insensitive without realising, but he’s absolutely flew off again, saying he can’t handle men coercing me to drugs and how I don’t let him be angry at things and he might as well not say anything to me because he can’t have an opinion.

Im just feeling so deflated :( I obviously didn’t take up the offer, I don’t think the lad at work was being serious either. My partner has told me multiple times about his friend group offering him dr*gs when they’re out, and occasionally he has taken them. I’ve never said anything because although it’s not something I’d do, I can’t tell him what he can and can’t do. I’ve tried to explain myself and sent a reply apologising but I’m terrified for his reply. He often gets defensive and puts words in my mouth, and pushes me until I bite back and it’s all very stressful :(

I don’t know what else I can do other than not speak to the people at work, I’ve told him this and he again says I’m accusing him of being controlling and says he’s never told me I can’t stop speaking to them which he hasn’t ever said, but every time I do speak to them he doesn’t like it so i feel like I can’t.

AIBU? Please can someone give an outsiders opinion.

@Greycottage yes there’s not much around my workplace other than a pub down the road which isn’t really somewhere younger people go it’s mostly older men, and a restaurant. I didn’t think anything of it I just thought he’d rather wait for the bus inside than stand at the bus stop or have to go to the pub alone every night.

I just thought because his bus wasn’t due for an hour he’d rather sit inside the warm reception and have a chat than wait at the bus stop in the cold/rain

Yes I would interpret someone sitting in a reception area instead of at a cold rainy bus stop for an hour as very normal and having no ulterior motive, generally. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous.

Unfortunately this sort of person like your BF can't be reasoned with and won't ever see truth/falsity, they just create their own version of events and stick to it. Very confusing to deal with that even if you don't have ASD.

Jesus. He sounded controlling two paragraphs in. Get rid asap.

@Rubywaterlily

It's NOT your fault. Let's say this chatty bloke was overtly flirty with you, you did not act on it and you gave no indication you were interested in him. You dealt with him professionally. You did nothing wrong.

I only said the above so if it happens again you might be able to recognise the signs.

Your 'D'P is out of order

@Greycottage OP didn't mention a rural location or I completely missed that

He is using your neurodivergence against you to make you second guess yourself. He targeted you deliberately primarily because of your poor boundaries and neurodivergence as well, he thinks you would readily put up with the abuse he metes out. This man is very similar to your abusive ex.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this abusive man now. For your well-being going forward you must end this relationship with him immediately . And no he is unlikely to go quietly potentially instead giving you apology flowers and making promises to change. Abusers do not change, this is who he really is.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward, this will further help you identify red flags far earlier. You are at high risk of being manipulated and or abused yet again by predatory men if you keep overlooking red flags.

He's controlling you and gaslighting you. You can do better.

Be on your own now and do not enter into any relationship until at least you have completed the Freedom programme and your boundaries are a lot higher. You need time and space to heal, give yourself that time.

@2024writeanovel yes, without giving too much personal info away just in case I work close to the restaurant industry, all of the chefs seem to do it. However I don’t actually work in the restaurant itself. I work close by, and my job is very quiet some days hence having plenty time to speak to people.

Yes this is controlling. Not all men are trying to shag you. It is completely OK to have male friends and talk to male work colleagues. This boyfriend is extremely insecure possessive and controlling. You need to leave him. This is not normal.

He sounds like a huge arsehole. My DH works with women. I trust him but if he did leave me for someone in work, there's not much I could do about it. I don't make his life miserable and question his every conversation.
Your BF sounds as if he has low self-esteem. This is his problem, not yours to fix.

You shouldn't be scared to reply to him in case he is angry, that alone tells you his behaviour is not ok. You should never be scared of someone who is meant to love you.
He absolutely is controlling, he is trying to isolate you, he is repeatedly displaying sexual jealousy.
Look up attachment styles, his is definitely not secure.

I worked with victims and then perpetrators of domestic abuse for a number of years, and still do return with very high risk perps. He is emotionally abusing you and using your neurodiversity as an excuse to do so. If you were a friend of mine I'd be doing everything I could to help you get away from him.

OP, yes he is controlling, please end things with him as it won't get any better. You certainly shouldn't stop speaking to people at work just to appease him and this will soon extend into every day interactions so you will constantly have to check your behaviour. I'm afraid his jealous and possessive attitude will get worse the longer you stay together.

@Pipsquiggle thank you, I honestly don’t think he ever gave anything away that he had a bit of a thing for me when he would chat to me. It was just something he’d mentioned to the other colleagues in his department. It was mostly innocent chat about his cats, his life back in his home country and his experience living in the UK.

I think I second guess myself a lot because I know I can be naive and I don’t know whether to trust my judgement so when my boyfriend is saying how didn’t I know I feel like it’s my fault

Yeah me too.

OP you need to bin this guy off. He's no good.

@theduchessofspork I believe skimming over male colleagues offering you cocaine at work when cocaine is rife in her industry is a point I felt compelled to comment on as well as mentioning not staying with her BF. I’m sure Mumsnet censurer's like yourself take great pride in rebuking others point of view. Well done 👏

Op, you are in yet another very abusive relationship. Get rid of this man and never look back.

When I was young I was in a relationship with a man who was very jealous. I realised that I started automatically telling him things I didn't like about male colleagues before talking about them at home. Massive red flag!

Also think of it this way. Don't even waste time trying to work out if he's controlling (he is, by the way) . But really the only thing that matters here is that you're not compatible and he is making you unhappy. That's reason enough to leave.

OP you need to realise that you are again in an emotionally abusive relationship.

You don't seem to be at the stage yet of being able to tell him to get out of your life, so maybe you need to tell him that you are very sorry that you are not performing up to scratch and set him free to go find someone else.

Meanwhile, do the Freedom Programme.

I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone who gets upset and angry at hearing the mention of another man who is also a work colleague.

How on earth can you be attracted to this pathetic big baby who is also a nasty and jealous piece of work?

Show him the comments and then dump his sorry arse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat i had a very strained and volatile relationship with my dad growing up which I think has affected my relationships with men. I always seem to end up with people like this.

My first partner age 16 was similar, he didn’t let me wear certain things, speak to men, he lied about being infertile and inevitably the outcome was terrible for me and I had a very traumatic experience being very young.

The abusive relationship for four years was after that and single handedly the worst experience of my life I was destroyed as a person by that. I got out of that and was free for some years.

Im just finding it hard to believe I’ve got myself here again, I feel somewhat like I deserve it and this is normal for me. I’ve never really had a normal relationship. I don’t know why I always end up here 😞

First answer has it.

Hi lovely
You can easily turn this around, by coming in here and discussing this issue you have recognised there is a problem
I say well done you and shows you have grown in awareness since your teens

This is a massive positive and what this forum is for asking for help and opinions
Now dump his arse

"...but I really do struggle with peoples intention".

What you say here applies to how you view your boyfriend's intentions as well.

He has bad intentions. He is extremely jealous and possessive, and does not trust you. He is trying to control your interactions with other people, and no matter what you do or say, he will never be satisfied.

Please end this relationship.

Yes he is controlling. Your boyfriend saying he doesn't trust these guys who are talking to you is not your problem. In actual fact it's showing your boyfriend does not trust you, and that it totally not your problem either.

I've been there... Let myself get totally isolated for a decade before I finally got free of their controlling ways. Don't be a me.

Ditch the boyfriend. It sounds to e like he is actively using your autism against you to cover for his own insecurities and trust issues, which is bang out of order.

yes he's controlling. that is not OK. Disregard the sex of your colleagues - and think about how ridiculous it is that he doesn't like you talking to other people.