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Original poster

Aibu about new friends of opposite sex?

44 replies

ncforthisposting · 20/11/2023 12:51

NC for this one but don't know if other half or I am being unreasonable. I have a hobbie that is probably a 70 / 30 split between male vs female participants.

I travel to do the hobbie sometimes and meet ppl who share this interest, make friend and have a great time.

OH is very supportive of this hobbie. However in planning a trip with a male friend, made since I met OH, to do the hobbie (just two days and one night). OH is now worrying about this and questioning it.

If I put myself in OHs position and he was off with a woman he'd met since me I'd be anxious too, but I don't want to change my plans and do feel he needs to deal with his anxiety/insecurity about this.

It's different with male friends I've known for ages but OH seems to feel differently about this newer friend.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Richie23 · 20/11/2023 14:12

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to not be listening to your husbands boundaries by saying he needs to just deal with his insecurities. You’ve said you’d be anxious if he went away with another female, so why do you then think he should just deal with it?
I guess it depends on what you think are appropriate boundaries within your relationship. Like imagine if your husband was in a different town with a woman and someone you know said they saw him with a woman having a meal. It really doesn’t take much to just plant a seed of insecurity or suspicion.
Has your husband met this man? Maybe that would help him feel more comfortable if he knows him?
My husband has a couple of female friends from before we met and he’ll occasionally meet up with them which I have no issue with. If he said he wanted to go away with a new woman who I didn’t know then it would be a big boundary overstep and I would not be happy about it at all personally.

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 14:15

Sorry, I'm with your OH here. I have absolutely no problem with my DH having female friends, old or new, but I would not be happy if he wanted to go on an overnight trip with one of them.

justalittlesnoel · 20/11/2023 14:15

I think new friends is a good thing - but I'd probably be a bit taken aback by my partner wanting to go on an overnight trip with a brand new female friend!

Personally I think for me it wouldn't be something I'd actually be fully comfortable with, and I don't think my DH would be comfortable with it the other way either.

I think your aim should be to make your OH as comfortable as you can around this if you're determined to go ahead and do it, framing it as he just needs to deal with the anxiety / insecurity perhaps isn't giving him enough credit - it's something I don't think many people would be fully signed up for!

Ilovegoldies · 20/11/2023 14:16

I have plenty of male friends that predate my OH, and he has female friends from before too. We both have a firm boundary about forging new friendships with members of the opposite sex. We just wouldn't do it. So while we happily engage with people, we would not be going out alone with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2023 14:20

Sorry, going for an overnight with a new male friend is not on.

Original poster
ncforthisposting · 20/11/2023 14:27

Ah ok this is really helpful for me. Just to be clear he's boyfriend, not husband 2 yr relationship, don't live together. But I think you are right I need to be more considerate.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/11/2023 14:40

I've made plenty of new friends (male and female) in my 10-year relationship with DP, as has he. I don't have a problem if he hangs out with them and I don't expect him to have a problem the other way round. If overnight travel is par for the course with this hobby that shouldn't be a problem either.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone whose boundaries meant I couldn't socialise platonically with new people. I would find it absurd and controlling.

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 14:47

Could the trip be part of a group? Rather than just you and one male friend?

Original poster
ncforthisposting · 20/11/2023 15:06

@gannett I think this is what I'm wrestling with. I respect that my other half might feel a bit anxious about it, but at the same time I've come out of a long marriage and set out on a new life myself and I'm now feeling I can't pursue my hobbies and interests freely in the way that I want to. I also realise that in a relationship that is in anyway serious, you do need to respect/at least consider other peoples boundaries.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 20/11/2023 15:09

You are not planning to do anything wrong and your partner has not raised any concerns so why worry? Presumably other people are involved with your hobby.

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 15:10

@LBFseBrom her partner has raised concerns.

Cherryana · 20/11/2023 15:11

Is there anyway he can join in too?
Go as a group -invite some others from your hobby?
Go for the day but not stay over?

There must a way to do your hobby and not go away on your own with your new friend?

Unless, this is highlighting to you that you would prefer to be single a bit longer?

UsingChangeofName · 20/11/2023 15:45

I agree with the first reply.

Why aren't you respecting your bf's concerns when you have admitted you would have the same concerns if the situation were reversed ?

Am also a bit puzzled by the need for you to go away with this new friend, rather than as part of a group, if it is a hobby where there are lots of you.

Yamadori · 20/11/2023 15:52

My hobby is at least 90% male-dominated and I go to a lot of events, sometimes staying overnight beforehand as I dislike driving at the crack of dawn. I always go alone to those and definitely wouldn't lift-share or stay in the same place as anyone else. I see them all at the event and will chat or have a coffee or lunch in a group and stuff like that, but that's it.

I keep them at arm's length for the avoidance of doubt in anyone's mind.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/11/2023 16:22

I think new friends is a good thing - but I'd probably be a bit taken aback by my partner wanting to go on an overnight trip with a brand new female friend!

this

Original poster
ncforthisposting · 20/11/2023 18:27

Thanks for all the comments. I'd be travelling to where my friend lives for the meet up activity and it's too far so would be staying the night. We're not going away together, but it's all semantics. I've realised I'm trying to do all the things I'd do as a single person, whilst in a relationship. And I need to consider my BF feelings more. He is a wonderful man and I wouldn't want to hurt him by not being considerate to his needs. I may arrange a day meet up half way between us with my friend.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 20/11/2023 20:06

This ^ update, has a very different 'feel' to it from what you said in the OP - However in planning a trip with a male friend, made since I met OH, to do the hobbie

booboo24 · 21/11/2023 06:31

I completely agree with everyone saying this is a step too far, however, your latest post is a bit different to your opening one. It suggests you were travelling to see him rather than anything to do with the hobby as you're not doing to hobby now, but still going to meet him closer to home so you don't need to stay away. If I've understood that correctly then I think your boyfriend is right to be concerned and that maybe you need to be really honest with yourself about your motives for this

Livelifelaughter · 21/11/2023 08:29

I am with your bf on this one. I had a bf who had ended a long relationship. Similar to you he wanted to do more things and not feel trapped in the way he had in his long marriage. It just made me feel quite insecure in our relationship. I know you have said he's a boyfriend and you're not married but that's really the point isn't it, he might feel your not so invested, and that's absolutely fine but it could be that you in all honesty want something more casual.

WakingCliche · 21/11/2023 08:33

We have both male and female friends between us. It’s the fact it’s a new friend that feels off somehow.

Portach · 21/11/2023 08:34

gannett · 20/11/2023 14:40

I've made plenty of new friends (male and female) in my 10-year relationship with DP, as has he. I don't have a problem if he hangs out with them and I don't expect him to have a problem the other way round. If overnight travel is par for the course with this hobby that shouldn't be a problem either.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone whose boundaries meant I couldn't socialise platonically with new people. I would find it absurd and controlling.

This, exactly. A relationship with someone who couldn’t handle new friendships wouldn’t last long enough to get to the point of him being able to express his paranoia. In general, I would say that anything that requires you to restrict healthy, enjoyable, mutually-supportive friendships, regardless of how long-standing they are, is a no-go.

Portach · 21/11/2023 08:36

WakingCliche · 21/11/2023 08:33

We have both male and female friends between us. It’s the fact it’s a new friend that feels off somehow.

Why, though? All friendships start off as new.

Flowsbeneathus · 21/11/2023 08:39

ncforthisposting · 20/11/2023 18:27

Thanks for all the comments. I'd be travelling to where my friend lives for the meet up activity and it's too far so would be staying the night. We're not going away together, but it's all semantics. I've realised I'm trying to do all the things I'd do as a single person, whilst in a relationship. And I need to consider my BF feelings more. He is a wonderful man and I wouldn't want to hurt him by not being considerate to his needs. I may arrange a day meet up half way between us with my friend.

I would be ok with this for my husband. One of my hobbies has men and women traveling and doing events together. It’s just part of the hobby.

CurlewKate · 21/11/2023 08:41

My dp's "hobby" involves spending extended periods (sometimes up to 3 weeks) in a group which is always at least 50% women. The accommodation is sometimes extremely cramped and can involve sharing. If I felt I had to question him about this I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. (Our children are grown up, btw)

Flowsbeneathus · 21/11/2023 08:43

Ilovegoldies · 20/11/2023 14:16

I have plenty of male friends that predate my OH, and he has female friends from before too. We both have a firm boundary about forging new friendships with members of the opposite sex. We just wouldn't do it. So while we happily engage with people, we would not be going out alone with them.

I find this really sad.

I moved countries and I am very conscious that attitudes like these are barriers to me making friendships with men.

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