Aibu about new friends of opposite sex?

[ncforthisposting]

NC for this one but don't know if other half or I am being unreasonable. I have a hobbie that is probably a 70 / 30 split between male vs female participants.

I travel to do the hobbie sometimes and meet ppl who share this interest, make friend and have a great time.

OH is very supportive of this hobbie. However in planning a trip with a male friend, made since I met OH, to do the hobbie (just two days and one night). OH is now worrying about this and questioning it.

If I put myself in OHs position and he was off with a woman he'd met since me I'd be anxious too, but I don't want to change my plans and do feel he needs to deal with his anxiety/insecurity about this.

It's different with male friends I've known for ages but OH seems to feel differently about this newer friend.

Aibu?

My point though is that when you have been together a long time in a solid relationship it's not something that you may mind but in the early stages of a relationship it's far more natural to feel insecure.

I don't think this is a step too far. You've been open with him, and your boyfriend either trusts you, or does not. I will say however that trust must work both ways, if you would stop him going on a similar trip with a women then he is being fair.
I don't get the whole "no friends of the opposite sex" thing.

This

What's the point of a relationship without trust? All this stuff about boundaries is ultimately mistrust. Not to mention, it is quite possible for someone to cheat with someone of the same sex, so why does it make a difference whether it's someone of the same or opposite sex?
In your case OP, I think it's unfair of you to say he needs to get over it since you'd feel similar, but tbh I think in a relationship you have to trust that the other is doing what they say - just a hobby trip with a friend, whether same or opposite sex.

Yep this is the heart of it isn't it. I'd be fairly offended if DP needed "reassurance" about my social life, because that would imply he doesn't trust me to hang out with male friends without jumping into bed with them.

If you don't trust your partner not to cheat on you, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them.

My dp's "hobby" involves spending extended periods (sometimes up to 3 weeks) in a group which is always at least 50% women. The accommodation is sometimes extremely cramped and can involve sharing. If I felt I had to question him about this I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. (Our children are grown up, btw)

My dh does too, and I have no issue with it. He too ends up sharing sometimes. However I feel there are big differences between going away with a group from a hobby, and going to spend the evening and night 1 to 1 at the house of someone you've met recently and don't know that well.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone whose boundaries meant I couldn't socialise platonically with new people. I would find it absurd and controlling.

If that was their boundary then they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you either so it would be mutual.

I think when it comes to things like this the majority of people naturally put some restrictions on their friendships with people of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship. It's a social norm.

@edwardcullensotherwoman

Not to mention, it is quite possible for someone to cheat with someone of the same sex, so why does it make a difference whether it's someone of the same or opposite sex?

Even if the issue all boils down to lack of trust as you said, most people trust their partners sexual orientation unless they are given reason not to.
If the OP told her partner she was bisexual and the new friend was female then he would probably feel the same as he does now. If she's told him she's straight then even if he has some level of mistrust regarding other men he would generally trust that she's not lying about her sexual orientation.

It's absolutely not a social norm in any social circles I've been in as an adult.

You seem to be implying that bisexual people can't have any friendships at all?!

Nor mine, and I’m 51 and have moved around different countries a lot, and have friends in different places (including many years in three different parts of England).

I’ve literally only ever come across this idea that it’s normal to ‘retire’ your opposite-sex friendships when in a relationship on here.

To be honest, I see it as just one more indication that a significant proportion of Mners have some very odd ideas about friendship, and seem to struggle with ordinary friendship-related situations a lot. It would go some way to explaining why so many on here say they are lonely, if they’re automatically dismissing half the human race as potential friends, though.

@Panaa I am with you. I have lots of male friends but as they have married or entered relationships the nature of our relationship has changed. There's a shift to meeting at lunch, or a drink early evening. We don't go to galleries or day trips like we used to. I am in my 50s may be younger people are different. It's not about trust or sex it's actually that as with all friendships dynamics change.

Well it is in all I've been in.

No I didn't. I didn't say that men and women can't have friendships either, just that the majority naturally put boundaries in place so they wouldn't do overnight stays etc.

I don't have experience with bisexual relationships so I'm not sure how those couples generally handle this situation, at a guess then many would be ok with their partner having long term established friendships which seem platonic but that for new friendships boundaries are still naturally put in place

Me neither, I find that such a restrictive and depressing attitude, not to mention having misogyny at its core because you have to subscribe to negative gender stereotypes to think like this.

Personally my criteria for a relationship is that it's an added bonus to the life I've already got, so I wouldn't be altering my friendships or freedom to make new friends and spend time with them in whatever way I please. If you're going to enter into a relationship you make a choice to trust each other and respect each other's autonomy.

Nor mine, and I’m 51 and have moved around different countries a lot, and have friends in different places (including many years in three different parts of England).

I’ve literally only ever come across this idea that it’s normal to ‘retire’ your opposite-sex friendships when in a relationship on here.

Nobody on this thread is talking about "retiring opposite-sex friendships".
This thread is about a woman going to stay overnight at the house of a man she has recently met.
A scenario that she has said she would be uncomfortable with if the situation were reversed and her boyfriend said he was going to spend the night at the house of a woman he had just met.

Like most posters, I feel her boyfriend has a point. However, that is a world away from still staying friends with friends whichever sex they are.
As @Livelifelaughter says, friendships and things you do do alter slightly, as people settle as couples, and as people mature.

Male perspective is I'd dump the OP, given its been only 2yrs, if she disrespected the boundary and went anyway.

Reason being is irrelevant to trust, albeit her relationship/behavioural history plays a role. If she's a flirt, cheated in the past, or any other red flags - then he'd be a fool to be OK with this.

Also, men have radar. I have been in situations with my partner, where she's "met a nice man" in the 5-10mins ive left her because she's very socialable or a dad on the school run, and quite often he's come across very platonic. Early on, and she's in her 30s, I've had to explain if he's exchanging texts with her regularly and it's not about something functional (eg logistics of a child play date) that there's probably a motive.

Lo and beyold, inevitably he's asked her out for a drink, the penny has dropped, and his motive was very clearly not platonic.

I suspect the boyfriend has also probably clocked your new friend has an ulterior motive, and staying overnight with you, perhaps suggesting some dinner with wine, is textbook. I suspect if you suggested to your new friend "cool, I'll bring my boyfriend." then the invite might change.

I trust my partner to shut that friendship swiftly if there is a risk. There is clearly a risk here, you're not shutting it down, the question mark is on your respect for your boyfriend and how long he'll tolerate your disrespect. I'd either introduce him to your friend if you want the friend to hang around and it's platonic, or shut it down.

We all have different needs in a relationship. A man said to me much the same as you have said that a relationship was about fitting into an existing life he had. That works if the person you are with has the same gaps and is happy in a situation where you're not putting each other first.Otherwise it's a very "my way or the high way" attitude.
Some people seem to take it as old fashioned or a sign of weakness to make compromises for each other.

Not sure if this is a reply to me as I said the thing about fitting into an existing life but I’ll respond anyway! I agree people have different needs and ideas/desires about what a relationship should look like and one way isn’t objectively more “right” or better than another. If both parties want to change aspects of their lives to facilitate a relationship and are freely and willingly doing so, that’s fine - it’s only a problem when one person is asking things of another that they’re not willing to do. Sometimes that’s just a clash of personalities or it might stray into controlling behaviour.

I don’t think that your partner should unequivocally come first all the time, though. It depends on the situation and context for me. My general approach to life is to put myself first most of the time, but obviously I’ll sometimes make concessions and compromises for my partner, as he does for me. Sometimes friends come before a partner. It’s about taking every situation on its own merits for me. Generally I don’t want or expect a relationship to stop me doing any of the things I also did as a single person, and this works for us, we live together now but both continue going and doing our things as and when we want to.

Hi, yes it was directed at your comments, but not a criticism. I agree that you need to consider each situation. But I don't think there's anything wrong in asking what you need from a relationship, it's not controlling it's open communication. I also think when you're single your single when you're in a relationship unless it's FWB or super casual you're not single, if a person really doesn't want to change an aspect of their single life then I can't genuinely see how a relationship can fit into that. I have hobbies that I do 3 evenings a week and I see friends over the weekend and do sports, I go on holidays with my friends 5 times a year, if I met someone and they had a similar life and neither of us agreed to change it wouldn't work, there wouldn't be time for a relationship to develop let alone flourish. I suppose what I am saying is that for me at least my lifestyle is what it is because I am single and when I have been in relationships some aspects changed, seeing friends less etc, I didn't resent it because being in a relationship made up for those things and added something.