How can I love bomb Autistic DD

[Sickoffamilydrama]

This is a bit of a long one

DD is 14 and autistic, dyslexic and has dyscalculia.

This week she told me she was going on a date, don't know why I didn't ask at the time she told me but realised I didn't know anything about the boy and she can be naive and is desperate to be liked.

She was at a friend's house so asked for the boy's details or a link to his social media so I could at least see what he was like, she sent me link to his Instagram and OMG.

Now might be that he's a perfectly nice boy but his social media can only be described as a road boy / gang lots of hoods down scarfs over faces, hanging around at night around shops but to top it there's a shot with a boy face hidden by an emoji and what looks like knife superimposed in his hand. Oh and a shot from the TV show Top boy with a boy pointing a gun at the screen.

So safe to say DH and I sat her down explained about how if he is into drugs/ gangs she could get caught up in it and we won't be letting her near this boy doesn't matter if she likes him or not. Which she appeared to have got and understood.

I checked her phone and he told her he loved her and she said the same, even though they have never met and only been talking a week (yes lots of red flags) when I asked her why she thought she loved him she didn't know.

We'll definitely be monitoring her phone and movements very closely (not that we don't but even more so).

Anyway she did get upset and say is she a disappointment, she went on to say all her friends are getting awards and her siblings do well at school and even her brother (8) is better at Maths than her. That her Maths and English are terrible and she needs them to do anything she wants to.

Whilst she's made huge progress especially in English unfortunately she will always struggle and she will probably never be a high achiever academically and neither does she need to be she's perfect as she is.

We told her how proud of her we are that she's brave, funny, kind, loyal, good at drama, art, cooking and very practical (can put an IKEA flat pack together).

She's said before do we love her less, which is so far from the truth.

She has been spending a lot of time in her room but I know autistic children often need time alone to decompress but maybe that was a mistake and I need to do more with her.

So I'm thinking she really needs some love bombing from us but I really am at a loss how to do it as it's hard for her to interpret people's intentions or the implications of their behaviour at times, so it needs to be obvious...I think 🤔

So I can take her for her favourite drink (she used to have a real drink obsession). Play board games and Uno with her.

I help her a lot with her homework and have thought do I practice Maths with her much more but she absolutely hates it and it feels like I'm torturing her.

How else can I make her feel as loved and as precious as she ?. Especially as she might have already started seeking it elsewhere.

Might be staying the bleeding obvious but saying to her "We love you" would probably go a very long way.

We both do everyday before she leaves for school and when she goes to bed as a minimum! Told her multiple times during our conversation as well.

I think doing the things she's interested in with her, time spent is valued more than words. Is there a hobby you could start together, even a 6/8 week course. Or start crafting together, card making/paint by numbers/jigsaws. Something that plays to her strengths.

Rudi Simone has a book called "aspergirl" which might be helpful.

https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Aspergirls.html?id=TgeeMWZ4d7YC&printsec=frontcover&source=kpreaddbutton&hl=en&newbks=1&newbksredir=0&gboemv=1&redirresc=y

She used to have a chart online for female Asperger traits and one of them used to be about relationships - the tendency to mirror someone else' attraction to you. So if they find you attractive, you then find them attractive.

There is also the danger that the relationship can become their "special interest focus" and becomes very intense.

Good idea@DNLove I picked up some leaflets about cookery courses recently and was going to book one for her but maybe we do it together or I pick a day we cook together on regularly, I used to cook with the children a lot then their lives got busier and it all stopped.

I think you have a mixed up definition of love bombing, it's a negative tactic used by abusive partners to get your defenses down before showing your true colours.

You need to just spend quality time with your daughter, doing things that make her happy.

This is going to be tricky because they are their own worst critic. I would get her to plan a 'date night ' one solo with you one solo with dad. Explain to her in genuine terms you thought she needed her space but you'd love nothing more then to spend time with her.

This.

Be interested and encouraging about the things she is interested in and it might open up a future that she's not considered before.

If academic stuff is hard, what more practical skills would interest her? Friends with children who are ND and/or have struggled with academic schoolwork have developed interests in various fields and quite a few are making careers out of them:
Cookery/Chef
Car mechanic
Dog groomer
Farming
Photography
Conservation

Maybe a weekend away together - doing something she loves or going somewhere that will be special to her? Agree cooking course is a great idea too!

Does she like clothes shopping? I'd give her a voucher to her fave clothing store and tell her to go treat herself.

Also...maybe look into young female YouTube that are healthy influences. And youtubers that teach about red flags in people.

It's going to be very important she learns how to spot abuse early on..

What about a pamper night or a movie night once a week or something? Something regular that she can look forward to?

Thanks @OrderOfTheKookaburra

Of course @GotBeef that's obvious and I already try to and have done recently but it's clearly not enough so I wanted thoughts on different things to try.

Yes @Imperfectp3rf3ction I'll see if she can think of something when I've asked what she'd like to do before she usually says I don't know, which really doesn't help!

@TheCompactPussycat yep definitely been encouraging her drama, her teacher is getting her to do LAMDA (which is drama grades).

Just thought of another thing we used to do a lot more art together so I'll add that to the list.

"Love bombing" in this context comes from a book written by Oliver James in 2012, it's only in recent years that I've seen the term adopted to describe the technique used by abusers.

Love Bombing: Reset Your Child's Emotional Thermostat https://g.co/kgs/rMjs9x

Thanks @Pinkbonbon red flags is something I've taught and talked about with the children loads, my parents where very lax and I wasn't really allowed boundaries even with them.

So boundaries and red flags that someone is bad has been talked about a lot.

But I'll definitely be revisiting those conversations and won't stop.

AHH I thought I'd heard or read about doing it with children before!

Thanks @herbygarden and @Teapot32 added to the list to try.

I'm going to go through the calendar tomorrow and specifically book days in so that nothing can get in the way. Whilst we have been doing stuff with her and her siblings and obviously taking an interest in them all. I feel like we need to do more.

I suppose it hasn't helped that over the last 6 months I've been having to work away 2-4 days a week although as I'm the main earner by a long shot there's little choice in that at present although I'll try and split the days up more. I always phone or video call the children when away.

Shit I already felt guilty and have cried a few times about leaving them so much.

After Christmas that should all settle down though.

Ask her what she wants you to do.
I also find talking in car journeys the best as you are not looking at each other so kids talk more freely.

As @Pinkbonbon has suggested, have a good look at some of the female YouTubers, they are a mine of information, in particular how they view their parents.

It's a real eye opener.
Sexual abuse is a heartbreakingly high statistic, and the earlier you educate yourself to speak clearly and frankly with her the better.

Sexual boundaries and her understanding she has 100% choice and control over her body, is so important to emphasis.

She doesn't owe anyone a relationship with her, or the right to touch her.
She needs to be talked to about her absolute right of consent, and listening to and trusting herself when it comes to physical relationships.

The youtubers speak baldly, and this is really good as sex for autistic girls has a sensory sensitive aspect which is important to acknowledge.

The more you know the better.

You sound like a fab mum.
Setting her up for monthly counselling can be a good idea, with someone kind and knowledgeable, can be a lovely safe space for her to know she has.

As she is very young I would be dropping and collecting and having some safety tracker on her phone. Make it clear to her you will stay in close contact and she is to keep her phone on at all times.

She is so young and innocent I would explain to her that her safety at all times has to be your priority.

Wishing you both well.

Thanks @billy1966 unfortunately I know all to well how easy you can get into an abusive sexual relationship having seen friends and family and as a teen myself experiencing some nasty incidents with boyfriends.

I know what you mean sensory wise, she doesn't like anyone hugging her which is really hard especially when she was crying earlier as I just want to hold her but I always respect that my need to hug her does not over ride her aversion to being hugged.

The saving grace is she doesn't go to school with him in fact she goes to school with barely a handful of boys as her school had just gone from girls to co education.

When she started really struggling in the first year of secondary and no one seemed to care that this quiet non disruptive girl was getting loads of tiks and completely withdrawing.

I basically made the mad decision even though we only had enough saved for a year to switch her to a small private school, best impulsive decision I've ever made, within less than a term she was a different girl back to her happy self. Even though we are juggling every month to pay for it!

FFS looked at her phone messages this morning, she's telling her friend she still loves him!

They haven't even met, this isn't some fairy tale 🫣

Her friend is also encouraging her to say the knife image was for Halloween no it bloody wasn't I now gang wannabes when I see them.

Safe to say I'll be arranging for DD to be busy this weekend and maybe for a few after that as well.

She tried last night to persuade me to let her see him see said he was nice on the phone, not a chance this is the time when I'm going to have to be harsh and hold the boundary.

I think you are right.
She sounds very innocent and vulnerable to manipulation so keeping her busy and occupied is a good idea, while you keep talking to her.

Perhaps google books for autistic teenage girls for her to read too, that deal with themes like relationships etc.

You sound a little overbearing. I wonder if you telling her you love her all the time has made it lose its meaning, so she now just sees it as something you say to those around you. My mother used to tell me she loved me all the time but never showed it so it became meaningless.

By banning them from seeing each other you will just make this drag on longer than it needs to be and make her see you as the enemy and get more sneaky, same if you don't give her a little privacy. Let them see each other in a controlled situation. Invite him over, take them out somewhere. Get to know him yourself rather than going on silly photos online.

My DD with ASD love "girls night" we kick dh out of bed, take the laptop up and watch chick flicks or musicals in bed. Tried pamper stuff but she doesn't like the feel of face masks etc. She loves going to the theatre but obviously cost means that's only an occasional thing. Diamond art is another good one. It's quite therapeutic just sticking little gems down.

@JellyMops nope I am not allowing my vulnerable child to meet up with a boy who thinks it's cool to look like he's in a gang and post photos of guns and knives.

She has plenty of privacy in fact she has a whole floor of the house to herself and I'd reduced looking at her phone but she's also 14.

I said I told her I loved her not that I do it every minute, I hardly think giving your child a brief love you have a good day and a kiss good night and love you before bed is overbearing.

Theatre is a good idea @fuckityfuckityfuckfuck that weirdly I hadn't thought of 🤔

I think it’s obvious what you mean with the term in this context so there’s no issue there! Just wanted to say that you sound like a brilliant mum to have thought through the layers of this situation and come to the conclusion that love is needed - not everyone would have reacted this way and it is so emotional mature I’m gobsmacked! :)