How can I love bomb Autistic DD

[Sickoffamilydrama]

This is a bit of a long one

DD is 14 and autistic, dyslexic and has dyscalculia.

This week she told me she was going on a date, don't know why I didn't ask at the time she told me but realised I didn't know anything about the boy and she can be naive and is desperate to be liked.

She was at a friend's house so asked for the boy's details or a link to his social media so I could at least see what he was like, she sent me link to his Instagram and OMG.

Now might be that he's a perfectly nice boy but his social media can only be described as a road boy / gang lots of hoods down scarfs over faces, hanging around at night around shops but to top it there's a shot with a boy face hidden by an emoji and what looks like knife superimposed in his hand. Oh and a shot from the TV show Top boy with a boy pointing a gun at the screen.

So safe to say DH and I sat her down explained about how if he is into drugs/ gangs she could get caught up in it and we won't be letting her near this boy doesn't matter if she likes him or not. Which she appeared to have got and understood.

I checked her phone and he told her he loved her and she said the same, even though they have never met and only been talking a week (yes lots of red flags) when I asked her why she thought she loved him she didn't know.

We'll definitely be monitoring her phone and movements very closely (not that we don't but even more so).

Anyway she did get upset and say is she a disappointment, she went on to say all her friends are getting awards and her siblings do well at school and even her brother (8) is better at Maths than her. That her Maths and English are terrible and she needs them to do anything she wants to.

Whilst she's made huge progress especially in English unfortunately she will always struggle and she will probably never be a high achiever academically and neither does she need to be she's perfect as she is.

We told her how proud of her we are that she's brave, funny, kind, loyal, good at drama, art, cooking and very practical (can put an IKEA flat pack together).

She's said before do we love her less, which is so far from the truth.

She has been spending a lot of time in her room but I know autistic children often need time alone to decompress but maybe that was a mistake and I need to do more with her.

So I'm thinking she really needs some love bombing from us but I really am at a loss how to do it as it's hard for her to interpret people's intentions or the implications of their behaviour at times, so it needs to be obvious...I think 🤔

So I can take her for her favourite drink (she used to have a real drink obsession). Play board games and Uno with her.

I help her a lot with her homework and have thought do I practice Maths with her much more but she absolutely hates it and it feels like I'm torturing her.

How else can I make her feel as loved and as precious as she ?. Especially as she might have already started seeking it elsewhere.

I agree with this book - if you look at it on amazing similar ones will come up too. Sarah Hendricks and Robine something (I forget) are worth looking into and following on Twitter too.

She's definitley at risk of grooming and child sexual exploitation. She just wants to belong and be accepted by peers. Finding a peer group where she fits in (art? Drama? Youth club? Aspergers girls group locally? Can you start one?) is the best way as for teens love bombing from
Their parents doesn't 'count' as much as from
Their peers

We all have love languages and this is the only way we'd feel loved if someone is giving it. So if she feels loved by spending time with you or hearing you say genuinely nice things and appreciate her often or buying her things she likes, etc, then that's what will help.

As you know her best, I'd suggest finding out what matters most to her/what she values/what makes her feel loved, then do those things. Suggestions here wouldn't matter if those things don't do that, especially for autistic people.

I have an autistic teen too (as well as being autistic myself) and I know what you're going through.

Thank you for everyone's thoughts and kind words.

Spent a bit of time with her over the last few days and will make sure I do a bit more of just sitting in her room and chatting or not as she's not a talker, it's all to easy especially when she has clubs and I've been working to not really interact.

Particularly as she is often tired from masking all day at school and can often just want to shut down, it's hard to pick the right time to just be with her without adding to her stress.

This weekend I'll keep her away from the friend that introduced her to the boy and take her out. Basically keep her busy and distracted so that she has less of an opportunity to feed the obsession.

What about a jar where you write on lots of different bits of paper all the different things you think are wonderful about her? then she can pick them out and read them when she wants. I'd avoid being too vague as if her self esteem is low she just won't believe it, so give specific examples as much as you can ie 'you are so brilliant at art I love that drawing you did of x' or 'I love your sense of humour, remember when you said x your timing was spot on and it was so funny'.

I don't have suggestions but I also have a DD with ASD, dyslexia and dyscalculia and feel for you. Mine is not a teenager yet but I can foresee these things happening to her as well. I think you're a great mum who is doing all the right things so stick to your guns!

'Umm...molly...you do see the photo where he's holding a knife right? He's a lunatic. Wake up and smell the coffee. He isn't cute. He's creepy!'

And 'You can't love someone you haven't even met. He's never even met you. He's just telling you shit he thinks you want to hear because that's what some people do just to get you to trust them. It's love bombing'.

...if she's starting to fixate on boys... ... I'd redirect it to her fave singers/actors etc maybe...eg: get her tickets to a Harry stiles concert or whoever the equivalent is for young teens atm... it'll be 'knife guy who? I'm going to a Harry styles concert in 6 weeks!'.
Distract her with 'safe' boys. Fighting against hormones is hard so.. consider working with them instead.

Make her favourite foods
just sit with her in her room - don’t force conversation but sitting in silence can be nice
do one of her interests together
maybe go pottery painting
go for walks
get her a pet

Tell her thank you for being my daughter I'm so blessed to have you. I love You is great to say and should be said often but thank you for being my child seems to mean more to my autistic kiddo with low self esteem

Just to update for anyone interested been spending more time with DD sometimes just sitting in her room but even that helps!

She was disappointed for a week she couldn't date him, then said her at school friends had all said to her she'd had a lucky escape and she didn't want to hang out with a druggie gangster, which really helped.

Unfortunately the friend that introduced them ( because she was dating his friend) has ghosted her and they've been friends for 7/8 years since primary and even when they go to different schools. But that also might be a lucky escape as she was trying to get DD to lie to me.

I actually think she's happier having had me put a boundary in place about this, I often read kids need boundaries to feel safe.

Next thing is to help her stop worrying about her looks so much.... But that's a fairly usual teenage girl problem!

Forgot to say she's also whilst hurt quite philosophical about her friend ghosting her she's said it's a shame she's letting go off a long friendship but she wants to hang around with wannabe gangster and become a druggie that her problem.

I'm not sure how much of that his heart thoughts or her school friends but either way it's helped her move past it.

And I read the Aspergirl book recommended by @OrderOfTheKookaburra some interesting insights and some things I'd already picked up on from previous reading. It is very American but then she is and is centred around her experiences, So thank you for the recommendation.