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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LC - how to find a graceful excuse?

67 replies

nc121525 · 19/11/2023 22:57

I went LC with DM a year ago - just stopped responding to direct emails and texts. Still see her a few times a year at family events and send birthday cards etc.

She knows we have a difficult relationship and we weren't high-contact before, though we'd have an occasional lunch or phone call. I don't want to discuss the LC or reasons explicitly with her, as I know it'll create drama.

Currently DM is cat-sitting for us while we're on holiday. She has messaged to ask if she can stay the night we get back and cook us supper. I really want to say "no", but can't think of a good reason.

How do I find a graceful excuse? I could ignore the email, but that'd risk her being in the house when we get back. I don't want to say explicitly "I don't want you to", as I risk a scene.

Curious how people who go LC manage this. What do you do if the person you're LC with wants to see you, but you don't feel comfortable telling them you're LC?

OP posts:
Original poster
nc121525 · 19/11/2023 22:57

(In case I sound horribly ungrateful for the cat-sitting: DF or DM do it a few times a year, they enjoy it and we have other friends we can ask, so we're grateful but it's not as though they're doing us an enormous favour.)

OP posts:
category12 · 19/11/2023 23:12

I don't think you can accept cat-sitting favours and then be all like I don't want to spend time with you.

You need to pick a lane.

If you don't need the favours, stop accepting it as it muddies the waters.

Mudflaps · 19/11/2023 23:18

Being lc does not include cat sitting.

Cumberbiatch · 19/11/2023 23:19

Tbh I think it's a bit unkind of you to accept her help with the cat but then not want anything to do with her. You're being cruelly inconsistent

Grimchmas · 19/11/2023 23:25

I'm with the others. You don't book somebody to house and cat sit for you if you are trying to be low contact with them.

One of the many reasons you don't do it is because situations like this will occur, and there isn't a reasonable way to decline. Anybody you ask to look after your cat for a week and who you trust to be unattended in your house (and who isn't a professional being paid) should be somebody who you'd enjoy having supper with.

Sockmate123 · 19/11/2023 23:32

Sorry to ask but what does LC mean?

Grimchmas · 19/11/2023 23:33

LC means low contact

2024writeanovel · 19/11/2023 23:35

It sounds like you enjoy torturing your mother. Please put her out of her misery and communicate with her.

Original poster
nc121525 · 20/11/2023 00:13

Wow OK.

No problem re the cat sitting, it's straightforward to ask someone else to do it. I have ZERO wish to take any favours from DM, believe me. I thought it was a good way to maintain some kind of a relationship without being in a frightening situation, but I do see it muddies the water.

Any advice about how to handle the immediate situation?

Also, should I tell DM I'm going LC? I don't want to "torture" her. But I know if I tell her I need to reduce contact, there will be drama and shouting, and I'll be told I'm being cruel. (I did tell my DS about the decision, and that was exactly the reaction I got from her.)

DM and I went to Relate a few years ago, I told her there I can't cope with certain behaviours, and she hasn't changed them. So what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
nc121525 · 20/11/2023 00:27

For context: DM isn't a terrible person, she's just extremely difficult to be around, gets angry a lot, and is verbally abusive. This was especially the case when I was a teenager, and I more or less left home at 15. When we're around other people she'll mostly behave OK, but in one-on-one meets, she quickly gets nastier. I think a lot of this isn't really her fault due to her history, I'd like some kind of relationship with her, but on the other hand I just really don't want to be around her alone.

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 20/11/2023 01:02

So you go LC with her but use her when it suits you? You sound absolutely delightful.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 20/11/2023 01:08

To avoid dinner can you tell her ... Lovely idea but you're getting home late after a long day traveling, having eaten on the way and don't think you'll be up to socialising or eating anything else.

Grendell · 20/11/2023 01:09

I don't see a graceful way to say, "Hey, thanks for cat-sitting, but you actually suck and I really need to maintain low contact with you, so, no, you can't make us dinner and stay over. But again thanks for helping us."

You can say, No, to her request just because you want don't want to deal with company upon your return - but don't mention the LC in the same conversation where she has just helped you out.

Never ask her to cat sit for you again. Ever. Otherwise you are just using her for services rendered when you don't even like her. That's not right.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/11/2023 01:19

You're an idiot to allow her to stay at your house for cat sitting. That is not LC!

Having done that and now not wanting to make a scene with her, say yes to her staying over, but that as you'll be tired it will be a low key evening with some takeaway and an early night. Get her to give you a firm departure time as you have "lots of things to get done the next day".

Then the next morning either go to work or get on with chores and get her to give an exact departure time.

Maddy70 · 20/11/2023 01:38

So it's ok for her to cat sit but not have a meal with? You are very unreasonable

AliceOlive · 20/11/2023 01:42

I’d just tell her you’ll be getting in late and exhausted so not a great time. Allude to doing it another time then avoid.

I thought it sounded weird at first to be low contact while also having her cat sit. But hey, we all our own weird family situations. I don’t think you are taking advantage. Just do what works for you.

GodspeedJune · 20/11/2023 01:43

I’d rather do unspeakable things to myself than ask for a favour like cat sitting from someone I’m LC with. Shudder. You really can’t use her when it suits you like this.

MiddleParking · 20/11/2023 01:43

How did she even know you’re going on holiday if you don’t reply to direct comms? Why on earth would she volunteer to watch your cat if you’ve been completely blanking her? How weird.

LizHoney · 20/11/2023 03:04

AliceOlive · 20/11/2023 01:42

I’d just tell her you’ll be getting in late and exhausted so not a great time. Allude to doing it another time then avoid.

I thought it sounded weird at first to be low contact while also having her cat sit. But hey, we all our own weird family situations. I don’t think you are taking advantage. Just do what works for you.

I agree with this on both fronts. There's a lot of pearl-clutching on here about the cat sitting, I wouldn't want to ask the family member I'm LC with for a favour, but it's not awful to do that. If she's fine with it obviously knowing you don't contact her much then that's up to her.

Certainly fine to be firm on the return from hols. Even people I really like I wouldn't want here in that situation!

crumpet · 20/11/2023 03:10

There isn’t a graceful way. Agree with the others. You can’t use her for cat sitting then behave like this. If she reaches out with emails, offering to cat sit etc, she is clearly wishing to retain contact. It feels as if you are abusing this by picking her up/dropping her as you wish. Not fair all round, whatever her behaviour.

Be LC or not, but don’t be a bad mannered user.

CurlewKate · 20/11/2023 03:12

That's not low contact.

Ladyj84 · 20/11/2023 03:38

Sorry but your happy to use as a cat sitter and go everything else. Hate users like yourself happy to see a person when convenient and they can fk off when not. Doesn't matter who you asked to cat sit tbh your using whoever does. To not give one evening of your precious time wow and not only that offered to make you tea. Yes your cruel so glad I don't have folk like this in my family!

junbean · 20/11/2023 03:43

You can't have it both ways.

Pipa42 · 20/11/2023 04:05

How sad you have this attitude to your own DM, we’ve certainly had relatives we rolled our eyes at things they did and says over the years but NC/LC was never a thing. Bit of a cheek accepting her to come over and cat sit

itsdark · 20/11/2023 04:05

If you are not paying her a fair rate for cat sitting, you are using her. I wouldn't want anyone to have a cool relationship with me but still contact me when they want a favour. Even if you have other people to do it for you, it's still a huge favour for her to go and stay at your place and cat sit.

The supper is probably a way for her to try to get closer to you. How is she meant to heal the relationship if you don't give her any time? Maybe you can do it as a thank you for cat sitting? Give and take.