LC - how to find a graceful excuse?

[nc121525]

I went LC with DM a year ago - just stopped responding to direct emails and texts. Still see her a few times a year at family events and send birthday cards etc.

She knows we have a difficult relationship and we weren't high-contact before, though we'd have an occasional lunch or phone call. I don't want to discuss the LC or reasons explicitly with her, as I know it'll create drama.

Currently DM is cat-sitting for us while we're on holiday. She has messaged to ask if she can stay the night we get back and cook us supper. I really want to say "no", but can't think of a good reason.

How do I find a graceful excuse? I could ignore the email, but that'd risk her being in the house when we get back. I don't want to say explicitly "I don't want you to", as I risk a scene.

Curious how people who go LC manage this. What do you do if the person you're LC with wants to see you, but you don't feel comfortable telling them you're LC?

How do you expect her to change her behaviour if you continue to manipulate her into a sense of false reality whereby she feels safe in the fact that she is ‘mending’ the relationship with you but after reading your posts it could be surmised that you feel utter contempt for her? You need to tell her how she continues to make you feel. If she shouts put in consequences she understands and let her experience a cause and effect. However, if it really is as bad as you say (which btw I’m not disbelieving) then NC maybe better for your life (apart from family gatherings)but she needs to know this. She has the rest of her life to live too and at the moment you are making her live a lie. Maybe, after time a clean break from you is what she needs too. I would express to her that you are not feeling up-to company on your return and that you would appreciate it if she would return home and you will arrange a lunch with her in the future. Stop manipulating her and trying to find ways to keep her dangling on the fringes of your life like an abused pet.

You're not low contact, you're just abusing your mum by manipulating her.

For the immediate situation, perhaps claim to be going down with covid, and say you don't want to give it to her. If that'll work?

I'm not sure that you have to explicitly say to someone "I'm going low contact" but instead can do it by actions and putting in boundaries.

But you don't let them do stuff for you, cos that turns it into an AITA situation. I think that's a boundary you need to have too.

@perpetuallytired99 I agree and OP asking MN for help to ‘gracefully’ manipulate her Mum is very disturbing.

How sad that some people think that someone being "family" means that it's ok for them to abuse their family members.
People do not go LC or NC for things that you roll your eyes at. OP's posts make this quite clear.

I assume you also think it's not ok for women to leave their husbands?

In answer to OP's question - if you want to go LC, the thing to be really clear about is your boundaries. I'm not sure that you are being clear.

Your boundary seems to be "I only see you if there are other people about and not frequently" - the cat sitting negates that.

I do agree with others, this particular problem wouldn't arise if you cancelled the cat sitting. In general, the answer to "shall I cook you a meal" is simply "no thanks." That works perfectly well if you are low contact - the trouble is you are engaging in more than low contact dialogue because of the cat.

Oh dear. What a muddle

If you choose to go LC and NOT tell the person why, you DO NOT accept favours from them such as cat sitting

I have rarely heard anything more ridiculous

Regards the meal when you get back from holiday - suck it up 🙄🤣 and stop being precious

Regards telling DM re LC - if it works without telling her, then that's fine - BUT DO NOT ACCEPT FAVOURS FROM SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU ARE LC

You are getting a really hard time. I can understand why you’ve done it, you are trying to still be nice by letting her do something she likes which kind of gives you a connection and makes her feel wanted without you having to actually speak to her. You obviously feel bad about the lc so are kind of offering an olive branch? Perhaps think why you are doing it, if it’s to make you feel less bad then some work on sitting with your feelings is needed. I don’t think as others have said that you are getting a favour /using her and then being mean, I don’t think you want the favour . I think you are quite conflicted.

I think if you really need to go LC, then do so post meal. She's done you a favour, perhaps just tolerate the meal and then move low contact after she has left. Unfortunately, LC does mean not accepting favours to keep the peace. One meal may sound difficult for you, but consider it as a couple of hours max, and deal with your feelings afterwards. You could feign tiredness after the meal as an excuse to wrap things up. But in order to go LC and maintain civility you probably do need to tolerate her behaviour on this occasion for a short while.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I wasn't expecting this response re the cat sitting. Honestly, I don't need the favour (and as @TorroFerney says, don't really want it!). There are other friends who are keen to stay. I only ask DM because she seems to enjoy it.

I know I need to set clear boundaries and I will think about how to do that, and read advice on how other people who go LC have managed it. Perhaps I could write a letter.

Thanks again for the suggestions.

I don’t think you can avoid this one.

You’re LC but your mum doesn’t know you’re deliberately going LC, you’ve allowed her to cat sit (which isn’t going LC) and now she wants to stay to cook you dinner - if I were her I would think you are extremely rude and ungrateful and if she’s quick to anger then surely this is a sure fire way to rile her?

Totally think it’s acceptable for women to leave their husbands and have often read things on here where my first reply is run for the hills as their partner is clearly dreadful. However you so get people on the other extreme who bemoan their partner for being not super keen to do xyz around the house etc and is clear the poor partner is oblivious to the resentment. Adult DC who get a bee in a bonnet just because parents visit their sister more and bleat on about how they decided to go NC because of that and their parents once said something they didn’t like or rubbish like they didn’t encourage me enough after I said I wanted to be an astronaut. I do have genuine sympathy for some people but so many MNs seem to ‘divorce’ (or be advised to) their partner’s, family and friends for the most trivial of reasons these days.

Just because you don't need the favour of cat sitting from your mother, it doesn't mean it isn't a favour she is doing you. Sometimes I do favours for people because I want to help them out, and I don't mind, but I would if I knew they didn't really need me to take time out of my life and day that I could spend on my own needs.

I agree with the others who say you are not low contact. What could be more personal than to have her staying in your house, with your keys, your possessions and your pets? OP, theres no graceful way this time but you need to revalue your boundaries for the future. I suggest more counselling for you to help you decide how to manage a workable LC relationship.

You don't need to write a letter, that could be very hurtful for not much benefit. Just be low contact. Think about an acceptable level of contact, which will not include cat sitting, and stick to your boundaries.

I'll reserve my other thoughts but they aren't favourable I'm afraid.

Maybe she enjoys the cat sitting as a way of remaining in contact with you? She does not seem to be aware of this LC situation.
Can you put up with her for one evening and have the dinner? It does seem a kind offer from her ... even if it runs the risk of being confrontational.

As to being LC, I think you need to determine what you want out of the relationship before you write a letter. You seem to want to please her (as you thought she wanted to cat sit and so you let her do that for her enjoyment) but you also suffer with her behaviour to you. You may want to consider some counselling to explore this relationship a bit more so you are clear on what you really want to have longer term

Suck it up! its one meal, she has done you a huge favour and you are an adult who should be able to cope with this on a one off basis. and if you really are low contact then stop this nonsense with using her to do you favours and trying to dress it up as something else. Dont have a conversation with her about being low contact. most people outside of mumsnet have no idea what this is or what it means really. its a term I only hear on here. just do it. You seem like the sort of person who wants to endlessly talk about things, analyse and discuss. she doesnt.

She may enjoy cat-sitting - but I doubt she enjoys it as much as all that. And she might enjoy far more it giving her the apparent moral highground of "how can you be so horrid and reject me, your only mother, after I do so much for you?!" etc etc.

I’m in a similar situation but would never ever want my mother to cat sit for me. You don’t need to write a letter or tell her you are LC. Just don’t ask her to cat sit again . You don’t need to make a big drama of it. Just use someone else in future. I hope you do something for her to thank her for the favour?
I would say thanks so much for cat sitting but you just want to get home and sleep when you get back. Take her out for lunch to thank her
once you’re back. Two hours with her will discharge your duty and get you off the hook for a few weeks at least. Then just meet her for a coffee every so often and keep it light.

You weren’t expecting that response e.g. the cat sitting 🤦🏻‍♀️ sorry unless a dire emergency most people wouldn’t have the cheek, can you not see it’s only going to be more hurtful to your mother letting her cat sit when you hate her so much you refuse to even spend a couple of hours in her company. Plenty of MNs seem to fail to see their mother as a human being like themselves for some strange reason but just think about it. If a friend asked you to babysit for them and you did and you asked if they wanted to go out for coffee the next week but they instead were slagging you off and saying no way and your the last person they’d ever want to go for coffee with. I take it you’d be quite happy to be treated like that?? Honestly some people completely mystify me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have no problem with people going low or no contact-although many people have no idea what it means. I do have a problem though with doing it without notice. Obviously if there is clear and obvious abuse that's a different situation, but in most cases, just dumping a parent and leaving them to worry and wonder is cruel in the extreme.

Please don't write a letter to your mother saying you are going low contact with or without the reasons why. Its very juvenile, unnecessary and sure to create drama.

If you want to go 'low contact' with someone, you just reduce your contact with them and enforce those boundaries ie. not inviting them to your house, not calling them, only responding to occasional communications etc, but your boundaries need to make sense and be consistent for the other person to respect them. No point not responding to texts, calls or email but them inviting them to your house to cat sit. Its confusing, no wonder your mother has no idea how you feel about her.

I would suffer the meal in your situation as a way to offer thanks to your mother for cat sitting. Then afterwards enforce boundaries as above.

A lot of the time these people have already relegated their parents as worthless, they were perceived as only existing to fulfil a role for them in the first place, empathy doesn’t come into it

I would think the number of people that just "dump" their parents for no reason is extremely low.

The number of parents who refuse to accept or acknowledge the reason, on the other hand, is very high.

A big reason for going low contact is parents' lack of self awareness as to the hurt their behaviour causes (sounds like OP's case). This, by definition, means they are not going to understand the "why". That's their issue, not the issue of the person going no contact.

Your "clear and obvious abuse" statement is very interesting. What would you consider "clear and obvious"? An awful lot of people think that unless there is physical or sexual abuse, then the abuse doesn't count. Whereas abuse can be "death by 1000 paper cuts" - the individual things don't sound too bad.

I agree. LC or NC should never be the first option unless of course there has been significant abuse or something.

I went NC with my mother for about a year, but that was after a prolonged period of communicating what I needed from her to keep our relationship open, even a therapy session together. Unfortunately these things didn't work so I told her i'd prefer not to communicate for a while, a year later I gave her a chance over christmas and she had shown improvement as she knew I was serious and she had taken the time to reflect on where our relationship went wrong.

I don't think its important to tell someone that you are "going LC or NC" as an explicit thing but it is important to communicate your needs in advance so that when contact changes the other person has some understanding of why, and also what can be done to improve things.