How to end a long marriage

[NeedToLeaveButWillI]

Something happened this weekend. On the top of the numerous occasions when H let me down really badly. I always found reasons/excuses for his behaviour. I convinced myself it was me not being good enough. And let’s be honest, what I have just now is safe and secure (A bit more on this).

Whats stopping me now are logistics really.
Im disabled, unlikely to ever be able to work again. Covid made some existing conditions worse plus there might be some LC going on too. The bottom line is that I would struggle a lot on my own, just the cooking and cleaning. I’m not getting a lot from DWP. From the various websites I checked, I’ll have about £1000 to live on.
So the reality is that staying means better healthcare, better support (as in he cooks, not much else but that makes a big difference to my health) and no financial stress. Which might help me get (slowly!) better.

But I’m really struggling to look at him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget let alone forgive. There is nothing left to save really.

On the other side, I have no idea where to start.

Sorry you feel like this, but what happened?

Do you own your home or rent?

What's the housing situation? Do you own a home or have other assets of the marriage, like savings and pensions? If you divorced, you'd have a claim on the marital assets and you might get more because your position is more vulnerable.

If nothing much to divvy up, would you be eligible for social housing, possibly supported?

we own the house. There is very little mortgage left on it (less than £10k).
H has some pension worth about 50% of the house.
I have no pension.
Not a lot of savings left now.
dcs both at Uni.

We recently done some modification to the house so it’s easier for me (kitchen is all low units rather than cupboards on walls, shower).

H also owns 50% of his parents house after FIL died. But I don’t feel this should be taken as a marital asset iywsim.

I’m not going to get much help for myself even though I will need a cleaner. I have no idea how I can pay for that out of what I’ll get. Yes thats what PIP is for.. But you dint get much in the first place.

You need to speak to a solicitor, there's no substitute for experienced professional advice in your circumstances.

You need outside advice, but also being in a position where I'm unable to work, to my intense regret, I can honestly tell you that getting out of a deeply unhappy marriage was the best thing I did in a long time. Seriously. Health will never be OK, I get long term care component, and is slowly deteriorating further but it's deteriorating a lot lot more slowly than it was in the marriage.

You can ask for a social care needs assessment from social services. If you have eligible needs you may then be able to get a direct payment that can support you with daily living, inc cooking.

Please speak to a solicitor to get some advice. Also contact Citizens Advice to explore all avenues. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage before you know all of the possible financial help and support that could be available. Also, if what happened was abusive then Womens Aid would be able to support and advise you as well.

@DancesWithDucks what is the long term care component? Is it part of UC?

One of the things that really scare me is that some of the help will only be available AFTER we separate. And I have no way to know if I will be eligible or not. ESA and PIP were stressful enough to get.

But I get how being in a less stressful environment will help too.
How actually being h in control of my environment instead of always compromising is a strong positive too.

Anyone knows who I can contact ahead of time to get a picture of why’s available?
CAB is nice but they haven’t been that helpful before

@Seaoftroubles i wouldn’t call my marriage abusive.
Just him being selfish, unable to take me and my needs into account, only interested in himself really. With a big layer of emotional immaturity on the top

When a long marriage ends in divorce the starting point for splitting assets and finances is 50/50. This would include everything you both own - you cannot decide to leave things out - it would ultimately be for a court to decide if FILs house should be counted but in your case it sounds as though your needs are greater than his and this should be reflected in the financial settlement. From what you say it appears that the assets involved are quite large - about 1 1/2 houses plus his pension - this might have an impact on your entitlement to DWP benefits. You need to get expert advice.

If you have over £16K your esa will continue on a lesser amount (dependent on the amount on NI contributions you have made in your working life) then cease after a certain time.
PIP isn't means tested therefore will continue. If you have a condition that will not improve or will decline they should at some point stop doing the assessments.
I think that's correct, HTH.

Get experienced professional advice - many high street solicitors will not be experienced in complex cases like yours, and equally the cab are mostly advisors to those without assets so won't necessarily be knowledgeable about significant personal wealth.

One consideration I would suggest is considering whether you could both purchase adequate housing if your house was sold, remember adequate doesn't mean what you would like, more just a roof over your head that meets your disability requirements plus somewhere for him, as your children are over 18 their housing needs aren't legally considered (even though it's a concern to you). If most your settlement is used on housing you would then potentially qualify for means tested benefits, but they won't pay any housing element.

In all honesty in your position I would work through your options with the plan to leave once the children graduate, I divorced whilst my kids were at university and it was a bit awkward dealing with it all, I had lots of help from my parents storing one DD's things (the other lives with me).

I completely sympathise because my situation wasn't that dissimilar though I'm not disabled, it's hard to get out of ok situations knowing you'll be worse off than them I found though I'm so much happier now

Tbh I think I’m quite aware of what is or isn’t counted re ESA and PIP.
Assessments will carry on every 3 years fir PIP, which means there is a risk of loosing it every 3 years.
There isn’t any ongoing assessment fir ESA (I think they might check with GP every few years). That comes out of UC if I get any.
You don’t get any UC if you have more than £16k. It’s decreased if you have more than £8k.
i am not going to get much more than the £1000 I’ve mentioned :(:(

Thanks @gotomomo
im not worried about coming out worse than H
im worried about too poor to look after myself properly. I’m worried I won’t be able to afford the cleaner I need. The supplements that keep me going. The slightly more expensive food. The heating.

And I’m aware I’ll do that all on my own because I have no family in the U.K. (parents abroad, no siblings etc…)

@NeedToLeaveButWillI
Perhaps you can develop a bit more tolerance for his behavior, if you are considering staying with him only for financial benefits. That in essence means that neither of you are there for love and affection.

Understanding that may make his actions seem less selfish as you will be staying for your own selfish needs as well.

Sometimes , it helps when we realize that our motivations and behaviors are no more superior than those that we are criticizing.

I am not justifying his behavior, nor am I criticizing your reasons for staying. I just think that it is helpful when there is a completely honest look at the situation. He disappoints you, and you are in a position where you will stay with him solely for financial reasons. Again, there is no selflessness in this relationship, but accepting the realities may make it more tolerable.

Had a think @Mari9999 re ‘only staying for financial benefits’.

But that’s not that.
My fear isn’t about not been able to go away in hols, have a smaller house and eat not as ‘nice foods’.
Its about knowing that I don’t manage to prepare more than one meal a day so when I’m on my own, I’m loosing weight.
It’s knowing that I simply can’t change my bedsheets or clean the shower.

Yes money can help with all of that. But it’s not the aim or the reason iyswim.
It’s about finding a way to have a life worth living without having to watch my back all the time because H has decided to do something that is detrimental to my health (but happens to be what he wants)

@NeedToLeaveButWillI
I am sorry the" better health care, better support, and no financial stress" sounded as though you were considered staying for convenience and finances." Obviously, I misinterpreted.

It was one of the two parts of the previous long-term-disabled support payments. The other was the mobility and I missed out on it due to being so damn ill I couldn't get to the letterbox at renewal time :/ What I'm trying to say is that depending on your illness and limitations, I get how very, very hard it is to take those steps to separate, physically as well as mentally. But if you are in a deeply unhappy relationship - the world looks different once you are out.

Is there a chance that your health can improve once the serious stress you live is gone? Excess stress has such profound effects on the body.

What is the behaviour he does?
Like pp says if he is doing all the household tasks, shopping, meal provision. Cleaning the bathroom, changing your bedding (are you in separate rooms?) Can you look at it more transactionally as a relationship?

The OP said he only cooks, does almost nothing else.

Have i read it wrong? I thought the concern is she'd need a cleaner if she moved out as she wouldn't manage without him? Its about knowing that I don’t manage to prepare more than one meal a day so when I’m on my own, I’m loosing weight.
It’s knowing that I simply can’t change my bedsheets or clean the shower.